Beyond the Wide Wall: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 2)

by Michael James Ploof

  ***

  “I have agreed to let you come along,” said McArgh, eyeing Valkimir sidelong. “But you are to speak not a word. I’ll handle this.”

  “As you wish, Captain,” said Valkimir, adjusting his bra with annoyance. McArgh had agreed to let him act as her guard, but she had insisted that he disguise himself as a female, since she had no male crewmen on her ship. The princess had applied make-up and teased his hair up in the latest fashion, and two coconuts had been stuffed into the bra. A short skirt and high boots had been added, along with a loose-fitting white blouse.

  Valkimir held the mast of the small rowboat as four women brought them to the Rager, which sat anchored between King Therod’s Revenge and the Wraith. A rope ladder was dropped as the rowboat approached, and McArgh deftly climbed up to the deck with Valkimir close behind. They were greeted by armed pirates, who leveled swords and crossbows on them and guided them to the captain’s quarters.

  As he followed McArgh, Valkimir took a quick count of the pirates; there were thirty, and he knew that at least that many were below deck, manning the many cannons aimed at the Iron Fist. If the other two ships had as many pirates, Valkimir assumed that they faced at least one hundred and eighty of the vicious seamen.

  He prayed that McArgh knew what she was doing.

  The door to the captain’s quarters flew open as they approached, and a tall man with a long, curling black mustache grinned at them both.

  “Ah, Captain McArgh, it is good to see you again,” said the man, who wore a captain’s hat with one long peacock feather sticking out of the top.

  “Blackstash,” said McArgh as the man extended his hand for her to enter.

  Two other captains were seated at a lavish sofa on the left side of the room. The back wall was almost entirely glass, and a large oak desk sat before it. To the right was a small bar and library.

  “Drink?” said Blackstash.

  “Rum,” said McArgh, and she moved to the seating area. Aside from the sofa, there were three sitting chairs, likely pillaged from one lord’s castle or another. She sat, and Valkimir stood beside her, silently watching the other three captains’ guards.

  “Fine day for a sea battle, ain’t it?” said one of the other captains. He was dressed all in black leather, with long, braided red hair and a smooth face. He looked no more than twenty.

  “Ginger Kidd,” McArgh said with obvious disdain. She looked to the third captain. “Daniels.”

  “Captain Daniels,” said the man, who looked to be the eldest of the three, with silver hair and the bulbous, red nose of a professional drunk.

  Blackstash returned with the rum and handed it to McArgh, who took a small vial from her side purse and sprinkled white powder into the cup. When there was no reaction from the liquor, she tossed it back.

  “I must say that I am insulted,” said Blackstash. “You think that I would poison you during a parlay?”

  “Don’t be,” said McArgh, sitting back in the chair. “I would poison you in a heartbeat.”

  The men gave a hearty laugh and tossed back their drinks as well.

  “Now tell me why you have surrounded my ship. Surely you do not all want to die today,” she said, glancing around the room as though bored.

  “Feisty as ever,” noted Captain Kidd.

  “We have been informed that you carry a precious cargo,” said Blackstash, watching her closely and twirling the right side of his mustache.

  Valkimir stood staring at the other three guards, whose hands were never far from their sheaths. One of them, a man with half his teeth left and more scars on his face than wrinkles, licked his lips repeatedly, eyeing Valkimir up and down.

  He decided that if it came to a fight, the disgusting pirate would be the first to die.

  “I always carry precious cargo,” said McArgh.

  “Sources tell us that you travel with the one and only Princess Caressa,” said Captain Daniels. He looked like a man who liked to get to the point.

  “Sources? What are your sources?”

  Valkimir wondered the same thing. They had not docked anywhere or come across any other ships since boarding McArgh’s, but somehow word had gotten out to these three. He hadn’t noticed any pigeons going out, but then again, if it was done in secret, he wouldn’t have seen anything.

  “Reliable sources,” was all that Blackstash would confess.

  “And what if I do have the princess on board? What of it?”

  “We want a cut of the ransom. That is all,” said Captain Daniels.

  “I am heading west, you moron. Magestra is east of here. If I had the princess on board, why would I be going the wrong way to ransom her?”

  “I do not assume to understand women.”

  “We know that you have her,” said Captain Blackstash. “And we propose a four-way split.”

  “That is funny,” said McArgh. “For I have not come here to negotiate your terms, but mine. Let us pass west unmolested, and I shall let you all live.”

  The men all burst into laughter, all but the scar-faced guard, who was busy blowing Valkimir kisses.

  “McArgh,” said Blackstash, slapping his leg. “We are all aware of your reputation, but you are outnumbered three to one.”

  “Not to mention outmanned,” said Captain Kidd with a snicker.

  “And you know that your sorceress cannot stand up to our wizards,” Captain Daniels added.

  “Those are my terms. You have a half hour to comply,” said McArgh, rising abruptly and heading toward the door.

  “You cannot be serious, woman,” said Blackstash.

  McArgh gave him no reply, but marched out of the captain’s quarters. Valkimir was surprised by the abrupt departure, and wondered if indeed they would get off the ship alive. The pirates eyed them dangerously as they passed, but none attacked. He glanced back and saw the three captains emerging from the room.

  He waited for one of them to order the attack, but no such order came.

  Once in the rowboat, Valkimir leaned toward McArgh and whispered, “What is your plan?”

  She glanced back at the ship with a smirk. “Watch and learn, elf. Watch and learn.”

  Once they were back on their ship, McArgh went straight to her sorceress. “Are you prepared, Ravenwing?”

  “Don’t insult me,” said the black-haired woman, whose eyes were like that of a snake’s.

  McArgh grinned and turned to her second in command. “Have the sisters returned?”

  “Not yet,” said the woman.

  “Who are the sisters? What’s going on? What happened during the meeting?” Princess Caressa demanded.

  “We attack in five minutes,” said McArgh, eyeing the three ships.

  “Attack? Are you mad?”

  “It is either that or hand you over to them. Would you rather I do that?”

  Caressa shook her head.

  “Good, then put on your big-girl panties and get ready for a fight.”

  “But what was the point in goin’ over there if ye was just gonna attack anyhow?” Hagus asked.

  “To give the mermaid sisters time to tangle all the anchors together. And to plant a queen bee on the ship,” said McArgh.

  “Smart,” said Valkimir.

  “Queen bee?” said Wendel, biting the ends of his fingers.

  “They have returned,” said McArgh’s second, and the captain hurried over to portside as the mermaids splashed up on deck.

  “Well?”

  “It is done,” said one of them as she dried off her tail and legs began to form.

  “Excellent,” said McArgh. “Prepare the cannons.”

  Chapter 12

  Smoke on the Water

  “Release the bees!”

  The crate beside Caressa was opened, and to her surprise, thousands of bees the size of her thumb erupted from it. They swarmed there on the deck but did not attack, instead, they seemed to all come to agreement somehow, and as one, shot like an arrow toward the Rager.

  Men began to s
cream and cry out in horror as the bees swarmed the ship, angrily trying to free their queen.

  McArgh gave a laugh and unsheathed her curved sword. “Fire forward cannons!”

  Six explosions followed, and the streaking projectiles slammed into the front of the Rager. The pirate captains responded quickly, however, and spells zipped across the water, one from each of the ships’ wizards.

  Ravenwing pulled her wand and shot one, two, three counter spells at the glowing missiles. Her counterattack worked, and each of the three spells was knocked off course and fizzled into the ocean.

  “Fire!” McArgh ordered the cannons, and she told the helmswoman to turn hard port. “Get some wind in those sails. Starboard cannons on my mark!”

  The three pirate ships had dropped sails as well, and the wizards could be seen filling them with conjured wind, but as the anchors were pulled up, they came out of the water hopelessly tangled, and pulled the ships toward each other.

  Chaos ensued, and the wizards and cannon men on the three ships were ordered to fire at will. But the Iron Fist was already circling them and riddling the ships with cannon fire as they passed. The wizards worked furiously to deflect the cannon balls, which gave Ravenwing the opening that she needed. The Rager was in the most trouble, for the bees had been of the killer blight variety, and so Ravenwing gathered her magic in clawed hands with long, curling black fingernails and unleashed a devastating spell. A glowing orb of black writhing magic hit the energy shield that the Rager’s wizard had scrambled to erect, but too late. The spell hit the front of the ship, expanded into a globe ten feet wide, and suddenly disappeared.

  Princess Caressa looked on expectantly, wondering why there had been no explosion, and then she saw that the globe had taken with it a large chunk of the hull, which was now taking on water through the ten-foot-wide ocean-level hole.

  “I want the other two ships intact,” McArgh ordered Ravenwing. “To the Wraith! Prepare to board!” she told the crew.

  The women cheered, and Caressa found herself giddy with anticipation. She had never been in an actual battle before, though it was true that she had trained extensively with some of Magestra’s most proficient swordsmen.

  Valkimir and Hagus prepared to board, climbing up the masts and taking hold of the many ropes ready to ferry the crew across the expanse. Dingleberry unsheathed her needle and flew into Wendel’s skull, which caused him to go cross-eyed, but seemed to give him some courage.

  Caressa stayed on deck, ready with the other women to rush across the planks that were being prepared. The ship gained speed with the help of Ravenwing’s conjured wind, and the helmswoman aimed the figurehead—a ten-foot-long iron fist—at the starboard side of the Wraith. The Rager was sinking fast and pulling the two ships down with it, and even though the pirates hurried to disengage the chains holding the anchors, the tangled rigging kept the three ships tied together and unable to sail.

  The figurehead slammed into the side of the Wraith from an angle, tearing a fifteen-foot gash in the hull as the Iron Fist came amidships. The planks were lowered, and the lady pirates rushed across under the cover of a crossbow volley. Others swung across on their ropes, including Valkimir and Hagus.

  “Fire starboard cannons!” Captain Blackstash of the Rager screamed.

  There was an explosion, but Ravenwing had enchanted the portside hull, and the Rager’s cannons bounced off the enchantment, crashing back into the guns they had come from.

  Fire flared from below the plank as Caressa hurried across. Her heart was pounding, death was being dealt all around her, but never had she felt so alive. She had spent countless hours with Murland playing out such imaginary pirate battles, and with child-like glee, she dove into the fray, sword raised high.

  A volley of crossbow bolts hit the enemy pirates as the women of the Iron Fist charged into the ranks. Caressa was right there in the front, and she swung at the closest pirate, who ducked and stabbed forward with his saber. She barely had time to block the blow before a fist hit her in the chin, dropping her to the deck like a sack of potatoes.

  The pirate lifted his sword for the killing blow as Caressa watched through teary vision. But then suddenly Valkimir was there, swinging down from on high and impaling the pirate with his curved elven blade.

  Caressa had never seen the elf in action, but she quickly discovered why he claimed to be the greatest warrior in all of Halala. He spun around his enemies like a whirlwind, hacking, slashing, and blocking with such grace and speed that the princess was left awed. Indeed, Valkimir made every enemy he went against look foolish, and she thought that surely he could win the fight by himself.

  Inspired by his fighting prowess, Caressa pulled herself up and, more cautiously this time, joined the attack. McArgh and her crew were quickly overtaking the pirates. The ship was tipped sideways, caught up with the rigging of the other ships as it was, and giving the women the advantage of fighting from higher ground.

  Hagus landed on a pirate in front of Caressa, and clubbed him in the head twice with his shovel before growling and leaping at another. Caressa tried to zero in on an opponent, but they were already engaged in combat, and she felt it unfair to stab them in the back.

  Just then someone grabbed her by the shoulder. Caressa whirled around, bringing her sword in a wide sweep, but her wrist was caught by an iron grip. To her relief, she saw that it was Captain McArgh.

  “These scoundrels won’t hesitate to kill you for a moment, and if you are captured, they will have their way with you. One after another. So, either get in the fight, or go back to the ship!”

  A pirate charged, and McArgh released Caressa, side-stepped the stabbing sword, and slashed his back as he passed—heading straight for Caressa. She stuck out her blade instinctively as he fell upon her. There was an “Oof!” and a groan as her blade sunk deep, and warmth spilled over her hand. The dying man stared into her eyes with a look of surprise before sliding off her blade and onto the deck.

  Caressa tore her eyes away from his blank stare and met McArgh’s gaze. The captain nodded and turned to join the fight once more.

  Her hands were shaking. She felt her heart might explode. Caressa didn’t know whether to cheer or cry. She thought to turn back to the ship as McArgh has said, but then she saw a pirate clubbing to death one of the women, and something came alive inside her, something primal and terrible.

  She let out a war cry and charged the enemy as he brought back his club. He saw her at the last minute and brought the bludgeon around to take her in the head, but she ducked and slashed his armpit, causing him to cry out and drop the weapon. He produced a dagger in the other hand in a flash, but Caressa was the quicker, and stabbed him through. Another pirate broke through the line and charged Caressa, forcing her to spin away or else be eviscerated. She leapt up onto a barrel beside the main mast and hacked down on him as he stabbed at her with his saber. Her strikes were quick, but the enemy was more powerful, and he sent her blade out wider with every strike. When he thought that he had an opening, he stabbed forward at her legs, but Caressa hopped quickly and came down on the blade, trapping it on the barrel. The pirate yanked, but the princess’s blade was already coming down. With a cry of alarm, he released his sword and jerked backward. He was too late, however, and the tip of Caressa’s sword cut his face from forehead to chin. He backpedaled, holding his face as blood flowed down into his dirty shirt. Caressa leapt down and began to pursue him, but being that he was unarmed and behind enemy lines, he swiftly turned and leapt from the ship into the ocean.

  Caressa hurried to the aid of the fallen women, and began pulling them back toward the plank, where others were ferrying them across. Ravenwing walked through the smoke billowing between the two ships, cloak flapping like the wings of her namesake and wand glowing bright green. Her eyes glowed the same emerald green, and as they swept across the ship and found Caressa, she felt consumed by fear and awe.

  “Get down,” she said in a voice both commanding and sure.

 
; Caressa wasted not a moment to wonder, and dropped to the deck. She felt a sword whoosh over her head. There was a flash from the wand, and when Caressa looked again, a pirate was smoldering on the deck behind her.

  “Thank you,” said Caressa, picking herself up.

  Ravenwing said not a word, but leapt into the air and changed into a bird. She gave a squawk and flew to the next ship in line.

  Wendel came charging through the smoke just then, his skull aglow with Dingleberry’s blue light. He swung his sword haphazardly as he charged through the line, putting at risk not only the enemy pirates, but the ladies of the Iron Fist as well. The women let him pass through, and the maniacal skeleton disappeared into the enemy line.

  Caressa thought to go after him, but then suddenly his skull flew through the air and landed on the deck beside her.

  “Ah, ah, ah!” he screamed over and over.

  Caressa picked up the skull, and to her relief, found a dizzied Dingleberry sitting inside.

  “You alright?” Caressa asked the sprite.

  “Does it look like I’m alright?” said Wendel. “I’ve been decapitated!”

  “Stupid skeleton,” said Dingleberry, flying out of his mouth and dusting herself off. “Why-why you charge in like cray-cray lunatic?”

  “Where’s my body?” said Wendel, but rather than answer, Caressa stuffed the skull in a sack and joined the battle once more with Dingleberry at her side.

  A half hour after the battle began, it ended. The pirates were lined up on the deck of the Iron Fist, including the three captains and the only surviving wizard.

  The Rager had sunk, and the Wraith was taking on water quickly. However, King Therod’s Revenge was still seaworthy. Her captain, Daniels, stood a little prouder than his peers, staring unblinkingly and unforgivingly at McArgh as she came to stand before the men.

  “Whatever am I going to do with you three?” said the big woman, clucking her tongue.

  “We are your prisoners,” said Captain Blackstash. “To do with as you see fit.”

  She cocked a brow at the man. “Don’t get any fresh ideas, Stinkstash.”