Beyond the Wide Wall: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 2)

by Michael James Ploof

  “As I said, time will tell.”

  “Thank you,” said Murland. He stuck out his left hand for Sir Eldrick, and the knight pulled him to his feet.

  “You sure you’re ready for the road?” Sir Eldrick asked, patting his shoulder.

  “Ready as I’ll ever be. Besides, I’m excited to try out the new wand.”

  “Spoken like a true wizard. Come on, Murland the High.”

  Murland smiled at the title and pocketed his new wand.

  Outside, Brannon, Gibrig, and Willow stood beside the strangest reptiles Murland had ever seen. There were six of them in all. They resembled raptors, but were longer, and walked on all fours, and their teeth were blunt rather than razor sharp. They looked to weigh at least a thousand pounds each, for their wide, toeless feet sunk nearly a foot in the soft, wet ground.

  “New mounts?” he said, glancing back at Chastity.

  “These are avaceratops,” she said, walking over and petting one on the snout. “They are delightful creatures. I saved these from an anaconda that had killed their mother. They hatched right there in my house.”

  “They’re amazing.”

  Murland mounted his avaceratops and found that Packy was gliding overhead. The day was hot and sticky, with a hazy sky and a weight to the air.

  Chastity was the last to mount her beast. “Come, new friends, let me show you the beauty of my swamp. For we have nearly a hundred miles before us, and there are many wonders to behold. I am friendly with many of the families of animals in the forest, but there are those who have chosen not to be my friend, and are friends to no one. Keep your eyes open, and do not divert from my trail.”

  “Lead the way, fair Chastity!” said Sir Eldrick with gusto.

  She slapped the reins of her avaceratops, and the beast lumbered west through the high grass. The going was slow, but it was steady, for the mounts with their thick, strong legs and wide feet traversed the swamp easily. Even when the water became deep they continued, easily floating and swimming through the water, leaving the companions safe and dry high upon their backs.

  Murland spent his time with one eye on the swamp and one eye on his spell book. He held the wand of Kazam in his left hand, trying to get used to it. He didn’t doubt that he could use the wand with his left, but he knew that he would not be half as accurate. While flipping through his spell book, he found an incantation that was used for healing, but he was dismayed to discover how impossibly intricate it seemed. This type of magic was for high wizards, and though Sir Eldrick had called him by the honorary title, Murland had years, decades even, before he could call himself a high wizard.

  The deeper they went into the swamp, the larger and more diverse the creatures became. There were more breeds of dinosaurs here than Willow said she even knew existed. Some had necks so long that they could eat the leaves from the tops of the trees. These dinosaurs, Princess Chastity called diplodocus. She also pointed out winged beasts with no feathers, called pterodactyls, and vicious-looking creatures called torvosaurus.

  “Don’t worry about them,” Chastity ensured them all. “They don’t want any trouble from a herd of avaceratops.”

  Gibrig marveled at all the amazing creatures, saying that he wished Snorts was here to see them all.

  “I bet the dinosaurs wish he was here as well,” said Brannon, laughing.

  “That’s not nice,” said Gibrig.

  The lumbering mounts brought them many miles by nightfall, and though they were not known for their speed, the avaceratops kept at a steady pace and required no rest. They trudged through the swamps, content to drink as they lumbered or rip a tuft of grass from the patchy areas, grazing as they went.

  By the time Princess Chastity led them to the high bluff overlooking the wider expanse of flat wetland to the west, the companions were all quite hungry.

  They set about the task of making camp with practiced efficiency, and soon a fire was burning at the top of the hill and a cook pot was hanging above it. The hill provided them with a panoramic view of the wider world, and the mounts sat in a circle around the camp, their large bodies offering shelter from the growing wind.

  When the food was ready, they all sat around the fire, eating and listening to the princess speak about the Fallacetine that she remembered. She spoke of the many wars that had plagued the land, and even the initial attack by Drak’Noir.

  “I remember when the Wide Wall was built, well, I should say that I remember when it was finished. The wizards were there,” she said, looking to Murland. “They performed such beautiful spells, and set wards of protection that rippled through the wall like a drop of water on a placid pond.”

  “What is it like?” Murland asked. “I mean being so…having seen so many years.”

  “It is both bitter and sweet I suppose. I have seen many great things in my time. Though I have spent most of my life looking like a hag, I never truly felt like one. I don’t know if it was part of the witch’s curse, but I kept my wits all those years, and my memory has never failed me.”

  “Wasn’t it lonely in the swamp for so long?” Gibrig asked.

  The princess smiled and pet the beast she was leaning up against. “I had companions.”

  “I had a good friend in Fire Swamp,” said Willow. “Her name was Dingleberry. I sure miss that little shit.”

  “That is perhaps the hardest part of living so long,” said Chastity. “Outliving everything and everyone you love. This swamp has become my constant companion. The creatures, the trees, the plants, they come and go like the seasons, but the swamp stays the same. I will surely miss this place.”

  Murland took the first watch that night, ensuring Sir Eldrick that he was fit. He sat on the back of one of the sleeping avaceratops looking east, the way they had come. He thought of Princess Caressa, and the kiss that she had given him the last time he saw her. It had been only a few weeks ago, but Murland had changed so much since then. He had set out as a bumbling wizard apprentice who couldn’t cast a single spell, and now he had repaired the wand of Kazam with magic. His hand might well be useless for the rest of his life, but at that moment he felt that it was worth it. For the first time in his life he was good at something, and he couldn’t have been happier.

  Chapter 23

  Where in the World is Kazimir Rimizak?

  Aldous put his hand on the crystal ball and closed his eyes. He thought of Kazimir and brought up an image of the Most High Wizard in his mind. Kazimir came together in his thoughts, and Aldous projected the image to the crystal ball.

  “Kazimir, I summon thee,” said Aldous with authority.

  Nothing happened.

  “Kazimir, I summon thee,” he said again.

  Finally, Kazimir answered. “Sorry, but I cannot come to my crystal ball right now. But if you leave your name and title after the beep, I might get back to you…BEEP!”

  “Kazimir, this is Aldous Hinckley, Headmaster of Kazam College of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am currently stationed at the Wide Wall’s center gate. You must contact me at your earliest convenience. I have news regarding Murland. He has—”

  “BEEP!” came Kazimir’s voice, and the connection was lost.

  “Damn it!” Aldous tried again to contact Kazimir, but this time a bland female voice said, “The crystal ball that you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please disconnect and try to summon again later.”

  Aldous angrily swiped his hand over the crystal ball to end the summons. He would have to reach Kazimir another way.

  Undeterred, he squared on his crystal ball once again, but this time, he enacted a scrying spell. The polychrome mist inside the orb began to churn, and an aerial view of Fallacetine was produced.

  “Where in the world is Kazimir, the Most High Wizard?” Aldous asked the globe.

  The view of the world focused in on King’s Crossing, then jerked suddenly toward Magestra. Just as quickly, the view moved to the Swamp of Doom. It continued in this manner for ten minutes before settling on a location just east
of the Wall.

  Aldous perked up, growing excited as the view zoomed in. It settled on a small farm, and focused in quickly, getting personally close to the backside of a cow as it plopped a large patty on the grass.

  “Sneaky bastard,” he said to himself, ending the spell. “He’s got a masking spell at work. Well, we’ll see about that.”

  Aldous rolled up the sleeves of his robe and retrieved his five-foot tall water pipe. Fashioned from the horn of a thousand-year-old unicorn, the pipe was one of the most powerful in the world. He packed a large bowl of wizard leaf, tamping it off with his finger, and produced a small flame at the end of his hooked thumb. The pipe gurgled and began to glow, and Aldous’s chest expanded slowly. Soon his lungs were full, and slowly, taking care not to cough, he let out a cloud of shimmering blue and green smoke.

  His mind exploded with energy and rushing thoughts. His imagination went wild. The mystical geography of the universe was known to him for a split second. However, rather than dive into that never-ending mystery, he focused on the spell that would break through Kazimir’s shielding ward. Bellowing the words, he placed his hand on the crystal ball, which burst to life at his touch and exploded with the colors of the rainbow.

  “Where in the world is Kazimir, the Most High Wizard?”

  The view of Fallacetine was created once more, the blue ocean and green land coalescing together for a brief moment, but then breaking apart from one another to create the coastlines and mountains, prairies, lakes and oceans.

  Aldous poured his intent, his energy, and his magic into the spell, overcoming Kazimir’s shielding ward, but only after two hours of intense magical physiography and the unwinding of hundreds of spell webs meant to mislead scrying witches and wizards. When the view finally centered in on Kazimir’s location, Aldous was taken aback.

  “The Twisted Tower,” he said to himself as he stumbled back from the crystal ball and fell into his chair, exhausted and drenched with sweat. “But what would Kazimir be doing…Jonathan!” he yelled to his apprentice.

  “Jonathan!” he said again a few seconds later, annoyed that the lad was not nearby and ready to serve him.

  “I am here, Headmaster,” said the lad as he came skidding around the corner, looking as though he had been sleeping.

  Aldous looked to the clock on his desk. Had he been at it so long?

  Seeing that it was indeed two o’clock in the morning, Aldous reconsidered his options. It was past his bedtime, and he loathed to be up past his bedtime. He would miss coffee, and chess with High Wizard Fracco…

  “To hell with it!” he suddenly blurted.

  “Headmaster?”

  “What? Oh, right, I was just thinking that these old bones just might have one last quest left in them. Get dressed, we’re going on an adventure.”

  “An adventure, Headmaster?”

  “Yes, an adventure.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “You and I, my young apprentice, are going to the Twisted Tower.”

  Jonathan straightened at the mention of the dreaded spire.

  “Yes, that is more like it,” said Aldous. “Get your wits about you. I do not know what it is that Kazimir is doing there, but there may be danger. Prepare the griffin. For tonight we ride!”

  ***

  Two hours later, Aldous and Jonathan came out of the dimensional portal with a great WHOOSH. The griffin gave a squawk—it had always hated going through portals. Aldous steered the griffin to fly a circle around the Twisted Tower, and he peered at the lone window and light beyond. There was a figure standing in the window, looking out, and Aldous thought that he saw a wizard’s hat.

  “Kazimir the Most High!” he bellowed against the wind. “I have come to speak with you about something of great importance.”

  No reply was forthcoming.

  Aldous steered the griffin toward the base of the tower and landed in front of a large metal door. Jonathan dismounted first, nervously holding his wand in his right hand.

  “Never draw your wand unless you plan to use it,” Aldous reminded him, and he climbed down as well.

  “All due respect, Headmaster, but I do plan on using it. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

  “Let your mind be calm, my young apprentice. For fear is indeed the mind killer. Let your training take over.”

  Just then the door opened with a grating creak, and dull light spilled out into the night. Kazimir stood in the doorway, wearing what looked to be a dirty cook’s apron.

  “Kazimir?” Aldous called, stepping forward cautiously.

  “Headmaster Hinckley. What brings you here?”

  Aldous offered Jonathan a staying hand and walked to meet the Most High Wizard. “I was about to ask you the same thing.” He looked up at the spire wearily and then back at Kazimir’s apron. “Have you been…feeding an infant?”

  “My business here is none of your concern,” Kazimir said evenly.

  “Is it not? What of the dark lord? What of the second coming? Tell me that you have not been recruited by Zuul.”

  Kazimir gave a laugh. “Me? Recruited by Zuul? Wizard, please. Tell me now, why have you sought me out?”

  “Young Murland Kadabra has mended the wand that was broken.”

  “Has he now?”

  “Yes, and you know what that means. He will defeat Zuul after the second coming.”

  Kazimir studied him. At length, he grinned. “That will not be necessary. For I have already defeated Zuul. Come, let me show you.”

  “You have defeated Zuul?”

  Kazimir nodded.

  Aldous glanced back at Jonathan. “Stay put. I’ll be back shortly.”

  “Yes, Headmaster,” said Jonathan, eyeing Kazimir with the same suspicion that Aldous himself felt.

  “Please,” Aldous told Kazimir. “Lead the way.”

  Kazimir led him to an elevator just inside the antechamber. Beside it, a short hunchback with one drooping eye glanced up at them.

  “Top floor,” Kazimir told the small man.

  Aldous joined him in the elevator, and the door slowly slid shut. They spoke not a word to each other as the lift shook and rumbled up the many floors. With a ding, it stopped, and the door opened once more. An identical hunchback was there waiting, and Aldous wondered if indeed it was the same one.

  “Just this way,” said Kazimir.

  “You have kept the corpse?”

  “Corpse?”

  “Well, yes, you said that you defeated him. Surely you killed him,” said Aldous.

  Kazimir grinned and pushed open two tall double doors leading to a large stone room. Aldous could see the lone window across the way. He stepped into the room, and his eyes instantly trained on the infant in a high chair in the corner. There was food smeared all over the child’s face, and he had beady glowing red eyes. Aldous dartingly searched the room, but found only book shelves full of black leather-bound tomes and a table full of wizarding paraphernalia.

  Aldous looked to the infant with growing dread. “Please, my foolish friend, tell me that this isn’t the Dark Lord reborn.”

  “I. Am. Zuul!” cried the baby, who looked to be no more than a year old.

  “Fret not, my brother in magic, for I have subdued the little terror. He is no threat to us now.”

  “He is no threat?” said Aldous, dubiously. “Are you mad? He is responsible for the deaths of millions, the fall of entire kingdoms, and the extinction of countless creatures and peoples. And you say that he is no threat?”

  “Zuul,” said Kazimir loudly. “Who do you serve?”

  “I serve you, master,” said baby Zuul, though he spat the words.

  “He is bound by the language of magic to obey me,” said Kazimir.

  “When did Kazimir the Most High trade good sense for insanity?” said Aldous.

  “Don’t be a cliché,” said Kazimir. “Surely you see the academic benefits of studying him.”

  “This is unacceptable,” said Aldous, taking a step back. “He mu
st be destroyed.”

  “No. He will not be destroyed. Not yet. For I am not through with him.”

  “This is not for you to decide.”

  “Oh? But it is for you to decide?”

  Aldous let out a sigh, hoping to get through to the man. “Kazimir Rimizak, I have known you for two centuries. You have done things that I have not always agreed with, but this…You must see that this is wrong. You cannot control Zuul. For if he is to be your servant, then what does that make you? Master of the Dark Lord? I beseech you, Kazimir. Do not continue down this path.”

  “What would you have me do? Give up this opportunity to learn from the most powerful sorcerer that Fallacetine has ever known? You are a fool. Just like the rest of that floating college of sellouts.”

  “Please, Kazimir. Let us retrieve Murland while you still have control over Zuul. Bring the lad here, and we can end this once and for all.” Aldous held out his hand, offering it to Kazimir.

  Kazimir looked to the offered hand and shook his head with disappointment.

  Suddenly, his wand was in his hand and a spell was erupting from it. Aldous slammed his staff down on the stone in the same moment, and a globe of energy encased him. Kazimir’s spell, a black, writhing ball of darkness that had been meant to kill, crashed against the shield in a shower of sparks.

  Kazimir raised the wand, waving like a maestro, and began reciting intricate lines of magical text. To Aldous’s horror, he felt his shield beginning to unravel. He dared not strike back, but worked frantically to keep up with his assailant, barking back at him with reinforcement spells. The globe of energy surrounding him sparked and crackled. Intricate webs of magic appeared and disappeared as the two high wizards battled for dominance.

  Aldous felt himself becoming taxed quickly, and he realized that he needed to change tactics, for at this pace, his shield would be gone in seconds. He glanced at Zuul, knowing that no matter what happened to himself, the Dark Lord needed to die. With a burst of energy and willpower, he shot through his own shield with his wand, bellowing, “Ego vocabo rex serpentium!”