Jingle All the Mitchell Way: A Holiday Novella

by Jennifer Foor

  Before heading into town, I considered getting the turkey my mother made and filling her in on the mess I’d made. Then I decided to keep the peace with my wife and get two smaller turkeys prepared by professionals, so she could have the presentation she dreamed of.

  Thankfully, they were open and had several birds completely cooked and ready to go. I purchased the two biggest in size and paid for them, content on knowing it was for a good cause. Amber would be thrilled, and everyone could feast never knowing what we’d gone through just to have meat on the table.

  An hour later we were in full preparation mode. The table was being set. Reese was vacuuming. Jake was crawling around with the twins on his back to keep them occupied, while Amber focused on the side dishes she’d planned on making.

  For a few seconds I stood there watching. She caught me and smiled. “Thank you for this, Jax.”

  I stepped closer, pulling her into my arms. “I told you not to worry.”

  “You set fire to the backyard. Your dad’s fryer is black. We have no grass. You still haven’t finished making your so-called stuffing balls you claim is some kind of tradition. It’s hard not to worry.”

  “We pulled it off. Look at everything. It’s perfect. As far as the balls, just leave that to me. I can make them with my eyes closed.”

  “I love you.” Her words were always welcomed.

  I brushed my lips over hers. “I think I deserve an extra special dessert tonight.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. I have something in mind.”

  Once I calmed my wife down, at least enough to get her out of my hair, I got back to work, scavenging around to prepare the second most important part of the meal. I’d managed to cook the sausage ahead of time, so shaping them together was the easy part. Fifteen minutes later they were in the oven, baking to a crispy brown hue so that everyone could stuff their mouths with my balls and be blessed with an incomprehensible burst of flavor.

  It was evident my family was going to show up with dishes they’d prepared. We’d have enough food to feed a small village, and after three or so helpings, we’d sit around comatose watching football until eventually most of us fell asleep.

  For a little while all was quiet, like the calmness before the storm. I watched the clock on the wall ticking, counting down the minutes until the house was filled with more people than it could handle.

  Chapter 6

  Jake

  Five turkeys.

  That’s how many appeared on the large kitchen counter, set up buffet style. With every single guest that entered the home, a large bird was being carried. At first it was funny, especially considering everyone had the same idea – that Amber would burn the house before she could pull off a Thanksgiving feast. Only a few of us knew about the catastrophe earlier in the day, and since it was technically Jax’s undoing, Amber wasn’t responsible.

  Along with the slew of poultry, we had plenty of scrumptious side items to surely send us into food comas after the second and third helpings. As tradition would entail, ten turkey drums would be available for what my father had renamed as the annual eye for an eye event.

  Years back, it started out as a terrible accident. My dad apparently waved his turkey leg around, smacking it right into my mother’s eye. Blinded by the natural grease, she scurried around trying to alleviate the sting, while the rest of the family observed the fiasco.

  Since that Thanksgiving, someone was always trying to get my dad back. Shenanigans were bound to happen at our family get-togethers anyway, but unlike the unexpected prank, this one would go down in history of a strategically planned attack.

  With the food ready to eat, and everyone congregating inside the warm home the time had come to bring out the surprise. With the family packing into Jax’s place like sardines, I snuck out and retrieved the large motorhome, arriving back at my brother’s house without them noticing I’d left. With my heart rapidly beating out of excitement, I laid on the horn, becoming surprised at how loud it sounded.

  One by one the family came outside, everyone waiting for an explanation.

  I opened the door and peeked out, giving them all a once over before stepping foot on the ground. Reese approached me first. “I’m not sure this a good idea. Maybe we should just take a trip instead.”

  “It’s going to work,” I said under my breath, changing my tone when it came to explaining what I had up my sleeve. My attention was on Jax and Amber, who clearly awaited an explanation. “Now that everyone is here I’d like to make an announcement.”

  Jax crossed his arms, but said the first thing on his mind. “You’re joining the traveling circus?”

  “You wish. They offered to bring me on, but I figured you’d get jealous and follow me. Then Amber would seek us out and kick our asses.”

  “Enough screwing around you two,” our mother said while her arms covered her chest to keep the chill off of her.

  “Fine. So this morning Amber got offered a part in a movie.” I felt it was necessary to add some details. “Don’t get all excited Uncle Colt. It’s not a porno. We won’t get to see her tits.”

  “Jake!” my mom was not amused, which in turn only fueled me to want to continue.

  My dad couldn’t keep his amusement at bay. He put his hand on Uncle Colt’s shoulder and gave him a playful shove. I smirked before continuing, winking at Noah as I went, who was also annoyed. “Anyway, it’s an opportunity for her to have a chance to work with some big names. Amber thinks she can’t manage the twins and take the offer. She wants to turn it down.”

  The yard filled with people giving her their opinions. It became so loud I couldn’t keep explaining.

  Amber walked toward me. Her hands were on her hips when she started talking. “Jake, why would you tell them? Jax and I made our decision. The timing is wrong.”

  “The timing is right, dear sister-in-law. With this baby here,” I tapped on the motorhome. “You’re going to be able to take the job while coming home to your kids and horny husband each night.”

  “What?” Jax came up behind her, the crowd of family members tuning in finally.

  “I’ve got a plan. After discussing it with Reese, we’ve decided to go with you. We’ll help Jax with the girls while you’re on set. We’ll do our shopping on the road, and make it back to Kentucky before Santa shows up.”

  Jax shook his head and laughed. “You and Reese want to take a road trip across the country with two small children during the holiday season? Have you lost your damn mind?”

  I felt confident. “Nope. I’m thinking about what’s best for everyone. It’s got two big bedrooms. We can set the girls up in the living room. You won’t have to haul all your shit in hotel rooms or do without. Everything will be within reach.”

  “Whose driving?”

  “Me.”

  “No, I want to drive. I’ve seen how easily you’re distracted.”

  I shook my head and noticed my mother speaking to Amber. “Sweetie, you don’t want to pass up on the opportunity. Traveling with the girls might not be ideal, but you’ll be together. They’re young enough it will be easy. You can stop and see Santa in your travels. Jake and Jax will find plenty to keep them occupied.”

  Amber rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t take much. That’s kind of what I’m afraid of.”

  “Hey, now. Jake and I will be on our best behavior.” Jax wrapped his arms around his wife, not paying any attention to the crowd of people still standing around. “This is your chance, baby. I think Jake might be onto something. I know your hours will be long, but think about coming home to us every night. We won’t have to spend a night apart, and if we’re lucky, we’ll still be able to spend Christmas with this whole crew.”

  Amber finally saw the big picture. “I can’t believe you did this, Jake. You only found out about the movie thing this morning.”

  “I know. I spent the good part of it in a sales trailer convincing some old man I was someone he could trust. I figure we’ll give it a try, and if we like it, I’ll p
roceed with the sale. For now it’s a trial commitment.”

  “In other words,” Reese added. “You can’t be reckless. We’ll have to take care of it, or Jake will be responsible.”

  “I’m already responsible, Reese. I’ve pretty much signed my name in blood to take it.” She seemed shocked I’d done something without much thought. It wasn’t a frugal choice, but well worth it if we’d get use out of it. If anything we’d use it to go back and forth to Kentucky. “Imagine driving to Kentucky and never having to stop for meals or to take a shit. I thought it would give us something to make memories in.”

  “We have a new house payment, and a wedding.”

  “What’s another sixty grand, baby?”

  I watched my parents mouths drop in shock. Reese looked as if she was going to pass out, while my brother continued to smirk from ear to ear. Knowing him, he’d neglected to hear my comment, only focusing on how he and Amber could screw in each of the rooms before Reese and I would get a chance. Kids didn’t seem to slow my brother down, not when it came to getting his wife in the sack. I couldn’t blame him. He’d been obsessed with her since day one, and I’m pretty sure she was just as smitten. Their quick nuptials didn’t reflect the struggle they both had to realize they belonged together. I think the courthouse approach was a means to an end. Besides, with Amber’s busy modeling schedule, she didn’t have time to sit down and plan a detailed event, like Reese spent most of her free time doing.

  With everyone beginning to freeze, our Aunt Savanna gathered up a bunch of the family. “Come on everyone. Let’s get a group picture before going inside. The food will be cold.”

  My dad offered another option. “Hold on. I think we need to hear Amber’s answer before we start celebrating. Don’t keep us waiting, hun. Are you going to be the first Mitchell on the big screen?”

  Amber was in the spotlight, much like she was used to. She shrugged. “I guess I can’t refuse now. I mean, it’s not every day someone risks his credit score for me to follow my dreams.”

  Everyone in the group celebrated with some kind of amused response. Jax stepped forward and took my hand, shaking it with a firm grip. “Dude, this is great. I can’t believe you did this shit.”

  “The girls might kill us after a few nights on the road.”

  “They’ll live. This means a lot to Amber and me too. I can tell it was getting to her among everything else today. Now she can focus on dinner and worry about the move afterwards.”

  “Why would she need to focus on dinner? We can feed the entire town with as many turkeys as we have in your kitchen. Tell me why you went out and bought yours again. You had to know Mom would make at least one. Seriously, bro, you can feed the homeless in at least four countries.”

  Jax got closer so nobody else could hear him. “I’d do anything to keep my wife happy. Take notes, brother. If you want the pussy, you have to work for it. I buy a bird, I get to stuff the wife later.”

  “I’ve never had to work for pussy, and I sure as hell won’t be considered someone’s bitch for it to happen.”

  “I happened to like it when she makes me her bitch. The things she can do with those long legs.” He made a sound like he’d bitten into a moist brownie and was savoring every morsel. “MmMm. You just don’t know.”

  “I’d rather not hear about the detail of your fornicating. It might make me go into the priesthood.”

  “Just wait until Reese starts popping out kids. You’ll see. Her vagina will get six times bigger, and you’ll wonder if you should stick your head up there and call out for anyone inside of it.”

  “You have a screw loose. You’re sick!”

  “Serious, dude. It’s huge. Then like magic it’s back to normal, calling out your name every time the panties come off.”

  “I’ve suddenly lost my ability to rationalize with you.”

  “Soon you’ll be struggling to find time to sleep and shit in peace. Having sex is like Christmas. You’ll see. Plus you’ll be thanking me for all the great advice.”

  “You and I clearly have different opinions of Christmas and sex. Jesus is the reason for the season. Didn’t you listen in church?”

  “Isn’t that the place where I lost my virginity? I seem to recall the girl calling out for Jesus a few times, but it was obvious she knew that wasn’t my name.” He teased.

  “There’s no hope for you.” Since I knew when his first time had taken place it was obvious he was fooling around. “Nonetheless, I’m happy to spend the holidays cramped in a motorhome, driving wherever Amber needs to be in order for your family to have a better life, screwed up or not. Maybe she can afford a high-dollar shrink for your demented mind.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Look, all puns aside, I’m doing this for you. It’s important we make it to Kentucky, but if we can’t, at least we’ll all be together. We’ll make sure the twins are visited by a big fat man in a red suit on December twenty-fifth. It will be epic and unforgettable, all thanks to their Uncle Jake.”

  Jax’s face contorted. “Did you just imply some male stranger is going to visit my twin girls on Christmas? I don’t know what you’re trying to get at, but ain’t no man in a creepy red velvet suit getting anywhere near my precious girls. I’ll cut off his balls and feed them to his mangy reindeer.”

  I cackled. “Damn. You’d cut off Santa’s balls?”

  “You bet your ass I would. I’m a dad now.”

  “You do know you’re Santa, right? You’re planning on cutting off your own balls and feeding them to magical reindeer? Have you been drinking while I was gone?”

  “It’s highly possible.”

  “Good, because I was beginning to think I lost you for a second. Just so we’re clear, Santa isn’t real.”

  Just as I said it my sister Isabella’s daughter, Sarah stood in front of me looking like I’d just killed her puppy. Her bottom lip came out, and before I could come up with an excuse as to why I’d blubbered the awful truth for her little ears to overhear, I was getting a slap in the back of my head. “Way to go, loser!” My dad exclaimed, while scooping up his granddaughter. “Don’t listen to Uncle Jake. Grandpa happens to know for a fact that Santa is real. Uncle Colt used to work for him. In fact, he’s so old he helped build his sleigh.”

  Uncle Colt, who lets just be honest, wasn’t the most comical of the bunch, shook his head and smiled, figuring on appeasing the small child instead of making a mockery of my dad’s attempt to crack on him.

  Jax shoved me toward the house. “You sure know how to fuck things up, bro.”

  If he was right then our holiday road trip was doomed for failure. All I could hope was that we’d all make it safely back in one piece, including the high dollar motorhome I’d be responsible for paying for, even if it was turned into scrap metal, or burned on the side of the road.

  Chapter 7

  Jax

  “All aboard the Love train, destination North Pole.” I said while waving the family to enter the motorhome. Ever since my brother had come up with the idea, Amber had gone into planning mode, making sure we didn’t leave a single thing we could ever need at home. I swear, if she could have packed the whole damn kitchen sink, it would have been included.

  Between her own clothes, and all the twins things, I was left with a small kitchen drawer for my shit. Did I mention the Santa suit? Yep, you read it right. She packed one of those too, claiming we might miss the opportunity to have the girls get their picture taken, as if we wouldn’t be driving through towns with Malls where some creepy old man sat around all day getting his jollies from little children who waited in line to visit him, hoping for the opportunity to ask him for something his parents would never approve of. Okay, maybe that was a little irrational. Let’s just say I didn’t have fond memories of Santa Claus. To be honest, the whole idea of him creeped me out. People allow their kids to sit on their laps. Do they not consider they could be a pedophile? Half of them probably were, getting stiffies from innocent victims while their parents took pi
ctures of the whole ordeal. Some could be scarred for life, perhaps even doing everything in their power to prevent their own children from being subdued to such blasphemy.

  Jake says I’m crazy. He thinks all kids need to experience Christmas. With Amber on his side, I’d never gotten a chance to convince either otherwise.

  So back to the Santa suit. Even though the idea was preposterous, I was going to have to suffer through it so my girls could add some pictures to the growing memory book my wife was building.

  It was a good thing the motorized home came equipped with a washer and dryer, since I’d packed a total of three full outfits, one coat, and two pair of shoes, which happened to be stored under the bathroom sink, with the twenty-four pack of biodegradable toilet paper the girls insisted they’d need.

  Amber wouldn’t be around during the day to wash the clothes, and I was certain Reese wasn’t going to offer to clean my drawers. It’s funny, to people who never knew us before, they’d swear Reese and I couldn’t have been a couple. We were opposite, and she made it known how much I normally disgusted her.

  It was hard to imagine what it would be like with the six of us forced to be together in the small motorhome for an entire month. In the days leading up to our trip, my parents speculated on which one of us would bow out first, finding a nearby airport to fly home instead of sticking it out. Amber had to be in three different places to shoot the movie; all located within the Untied States boundaries. I’m not sure how they’d planned it, but she’d be shooting the final scenes of the film first in New Orleans, followed by the majority of the movie taking place outside of Dallas Texas, finally ending up in Colorado for the last week, according to the schedule. Since Amber was a supporting character, she wouldn’t have to report unless she was scheduled that day, giving us time to spend as a family, shopping and doing what was needed for the holidays.