Jingle All the Mitchell Way: A Holiday Novella

by Jennifer Foor

Right before pulling into the parking lot we saw the lights of a police car getting closer.

  “Fuck! This can’t be happening.”

  “Calm down. Just play stupid. We’ll tell them we didn’t know the waste chamber was open. It’ll be fine.”

  The officer approached the vehicle at the entrance, instead of the driver’s side window. I opened the door, seeing his flashlight shining brightly in my eyes. “I need everyone in this vehicle to step outside. Bring your identification and the registration for the motorhome.”

  “There are two sleeping children in safety seats. Can they stay?” Amber inquired.

  “Yes. All adults need to vacate the vehicle.”

  The four of us stepped outside, immediately taken back by the smell of feces. The girls covered their noses, while Jax and I stood like nothing was bothering us.

  Two officers stood with flashlights, looking us up and down and checking the registration. “Do you know the fine for dumping waste?”

  “Dumping waste? No, sir.”

  “Are you aware that for three miles human waste had been leaking from your motorhome?”

  “It’s dark, officer. We weren’t aware.”

  He handed me back my information. “Are you also aware of the ban on tailgate ornaments such as the one you have on your motorhome?”

  Jax chuckled. I knew he couldn’t help it. Our dad’s dangling testicles were still on the hitch of the RV. “Sir, with all due respect. They aren’t even my balls. They’re my dad’s. He put them on as a joke.”

  Jax couldn’t contain himself. The laughing got so bad he had to explain. “I’m sorry. They really aren’t his balls though.”

  The officers looked to one another and then back to us. “Have you been drinking, Mr. Mitchell?” He asked me.

  “No, sir. I’ve been driving all day.”

  “Would you be okay with taking a sobriety test?”

  “Yeah, of course.” The officer went to his cruiser, only to come back with a device I had to blow in. Low and behold it proved I hadn’t been drinking.

  “Have you been using drugs tonight?”

  “Officer, I’m driving my family around. There are two sleeping toddlers in the RV. I wouldn’t do something so careless.”

  “Careless like spraying your shit all over the roads?” The one officer questioned.

  He shone his light on the front of the cruiser. It was covered in brown toilet paper, some stuck in the wipers.

  “Oh shit,” escaped Jax.

  “Oh shit is right. I want to know which one of you is responsible for this? Someone is getting a ticket tonight.”

  “Can’t you just fine us for the balls?” I asked.

  One officer headed back to the shit stained cruiser. I could tell he was on his computer, probably writing me up for the waste. When he returned he handed me two pieces of paper. One was a ticket for littering. The next was a ticket for the tailgate ornament. “I don’t care whose balls they belong to. Take them off, before you pull away.”

  My brother was heaving, fighting to keep the vomit from projecting out of his mouth. “You can have them, officer. Just take the testicles. Our dad doesn’t even need them.” Jax kept on. “We’re sorry for the mess. We didn’t know the valve was open. Maybe it’s broken.”

  “I suggest you get it checked out. In the meantime, I’d use the restroom elsewhere. You can pay the fines online. I’d appreciate it if you made sure the value is closed before you leave this spot. Have a good night folks.” The cop was gagging, finally hunching over to puke all over the road.

  I shoved Jax as soon as they pulled away. “Asshole. Isn’t that considered waste too? Why does he get to upchuck, but I’m not allowed to dump shit? They could have arrested me, you know.”

  “For what? How could they prove it wasn’t an accident?” He kept laughing. “Dude, did you see their car? It’s going to take them forever to clean that shit off. I wonder how many cars we got? This is epic.”

  “It’s disgusting,” Amber added. Can we go now? It smells horrible, and I’m about to get sick.” She covered her mouth and continued heaving until finally it shot out like you see on movies.

  I turned back to Jax, while holding up the tickets. “You’re helping me pay for these.”

  He was doing his best not to get sick while watching Amber. “Whatever. It’s worth the money to have this story to tell. As far as dad’s nuts. Let him pay that one.”

  “Good idea. Now, go tend to your wife. She’s in need of a rag or something. No puke allowed in the motorhome.”

  After making sure the valve was shut, and catching some fresh air so we could breathe, we found a new parking spot away from the mess and planned on resting for the night. Since the smell still hadn’t left the bathroom, we opened a window and promised to use the facilities in the building instead of the RV, at least until morning. Of course, I’d be the one who had to go to the bathroom first.

  I walked outside into the cold and headed toward the bathroom. From the second I walked inside I knew something was off. Sounds resonating from the furthest stall were not just from one person. I tried my best to pee without overthinking things. Surely it wasn’t my business what was going on in the men’s lavatory, but curiosity killed the cat. I finished what I was doing and bent down to look for feet. Sure enough, two black sets of boots were facing the same direction. I didn’t wash my hands or flush the urinal. Instead, I hauled ass back to the RV and sat in the driver’s seat, my eyes fixed on the restroom entrance. Jax came up beside me. “What’s up with you?”

  “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing. Remind me to wash my hands when I get up.”

  “Dude, what is going on? Did you murder someone? I read somewhere a rest stop was a good place to kill someone because it’s a random act.”

  “Shut up, Jax. I didn’t kill anyone. I just want to see something.”

  Nearly ten minutes later I saw two men walking out of the men’s restroom. “Holy shit! Just as I suspected. I knew they were police issued boots. Those dudes were packing fudge. Those cops that pulled us over are lovers. I heard them getting it on.”

  “What? Did you stand there and listen? Were they banging in the open?”

  “No. I saw their boots under the stall.”

  “Remind me to mail them some fudge with the ticket check.”

  I stood up to go wash my hands. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to unsee this.”

  “To each his own, Jax. Some guys prefer fudge. It’s not my cup of tea. I prefer pie.”

  “Yeah, you and me both, bro.” Jax put his hand on my shoulder. “On that note, I’m going to go find my wife. I’ve had enough entertainment for the night.”

  I found Reese in the back bunkroom reading. Her hair was down, and when I closed the privacy door she sat the book to the side and held out her arms. “I heard you talking to Jax. You were joking, right?”

  “Nope. I witnessed it. I heard it. It sounded painful.”

  “Aww, do you need a hug now? You’ve had a shitty night, huh?”

  “Literally. I hate to admit it, but Jax was right. Where does he get his information?”

  “Craigslist probably. Who knows? Jax is a weirdo. Isn’t that why we all love him?”

  “I guess. It’s kind of disturbing how he knows the most random shit. Maybe I should tell Dad to give him more responsibilities. He obviously has way too much free time on his hands.”

  Reese laughed, while offering support. “Come here. You need some loving. I’ll make it all go away.”

  I leaned forward and kissed my wife. “Now you’re talking. By the way, my dad is paying for that ticket. I’m not being held responsible for his nut sack.”

  We both laughed together at the way it came out. Even in his absence, my dad was still getting the last laugh.

  Chapter 14

  Jax

  I pressed my bare ass against the glass for the third time, my final attempt t
o be acknowledged by this particular truck driver. “What is with these guys? You know they see it.”

  “Hang on. He’s looking, Jax. He did a double take. He’s shaking his head.” Jake was egging me on. “Oh damn. He’s backing away. Nope, no honks for you. I’m beating you two to zip.”

  I pulled my pants back on, giving up on the bet I’d made with my brother. “Fine, Jake. I owe you five bucks. Apparently my ass isn’t as nice as I find it to be. Nobody appreciates it.”

  “I do, baby. You can show me later,” Amber suggested.

  On that note, I rubbed my hands together and prepared for the next task.

  “Come on girls. You know you can’t beat me or Jake in a game of five card poker. The odds are against you. Bow out now before you’re forced to be our slaves.”

  Amber and Reese looked at one another and snickered. “Just deal the cards, babe. We’re not afraid of a little competition, unlike you two. I seem to recall you losing the last time we played.”

  In my defense, we were in the privacy of our own home and not on a road trip across the country so my wife could be in her very first movie. I liked being a practical joker, but not when the odds were against me getting the last laugh.

  “Amber’s right. I’m pretty sure you were the one in your skimpies running around the front lawn and waving to the tractor trailers as they rolled by. It took you forever to get one to honk at you. I suppose they just weren’t into all you say you have to offer. I mean, it was pretty cold out, and I suppose your little thingy was difficult to see in a moving vehicle. It probably inverted.” Reese thought she had the upper hand, but messing with me would only cost her in the long run. Unlike Jake, who was predictable when it came to pranks and paybacks, I was more sly. I waited it out until the ordeal had been long forgotten, and then I’d make my move with the unsuspecting prey. It was like the time my father thought he’d gotten me good. Sure, replacing my toothpaste with Hemorrhoid cream was smooth, but as my lips and gums became numb I stayed calm, telling him it wasn’t even worth the attempt to get him back.

  After waiting a month, listening to him padding the story over and over again, I snuck in his house and added Amber’s self tanning cream to his aftershave lotion. Since I knew the process would show slowly, I asked my parents over for dinner that Sunday night. Now, anyone who knows my dad can tell you how he takes a long nap after one of my mother’s weekend breakfast feasts. He wakes up early, has his coffee while watching the news, and then eats breakfast. By the time it’s over he’s tired and falling asleep on the couch.

  My mom usually goes about her Sundays staying out of the living room since the TV is tuned to football, so she wouldn’t notice her husband’s face changing colors, not until he woke back up and sought her out.

  It was the first time she didn’t tell him what was going on. Instead of laughing and making a big deal about it, my mom walked outside and called me. Once she knew which one of her twins was the culprit, she kept it a secret until we were all sitting across the table from one another. Much to my dad’s surprise, we even snapped a few candid shots with him and his granddaughters before divulging the hysterical details.

  Then there was the time I loosened all the lug-nuts on the golf cart wheels. He climbed on one morning with his cup of coffee and pressed on the gas. Four wheels went rolling in opposite directions while hot coffee poured down the front of him.

  I wasn’t the only Mitchell boy who liked pranking either. According to my dad, Uncle Colt and Conner, it had been going on for years before we were born.

  I turned to my wife with a wide smile on my face. “I don’t plan on losing this time. You two ladies are going to be the ones running around topless outside this motorhome.” I tossed two red velvet Santa hats in their direction. “Don’t forget these when you go.”

  Reese fetched them off the table and chucked them back at me. Jake sat down beside me, shuffling the deck some more. “Let’s get started then. Boys against girls. Winner chooses the punishment.”

  “Let’s go!” I said with anticipation.

  Here’s the thing about my antics. Often I forget to consider consequences, like the fact that my wife was willing to make a mockery out of me for her own entertainment. I happened to like being the man who kept a smile on her face, except when I lost at something. If I had to cheat for the odds to be in my favor, I’d do it without regret. Nothing feels better than winning.

  Much to my utter shock, Jake was on fire. He had pocket aces the first hand, then a straight, followed by two pair. We kept a tally of which team had the most winning hands to keep things fair.

  Just when I thought we were unstoppable the girls started getting lucky. Five more hands later we’d fallen behind, and had to hear all the terrible details of what would become of us in our latest failure.

  The final hand came down to Amber and Jake. He had a flush. Then I watched Amber revealing her cards. A full house with two aces and three kings. We were done, and as my stomach knotted up, I heard the girls celebrating their victory.

  They didn’t make us do anything at first. For a while Jake and I considered it was going to be something sexual, but the night came and went without any action for either of us. That next morning, while still parked at a rest stop in the middle of Colorado, the ground covered in a bed of fresh snow, the girls finally announced our punishment. Amber tossed two pieces of fabric toward us. “Put these on.”

  Jake and I lifted the plaid cloth to reveal they were kilts.

  “Where in the hell did these come from?”

  “I found them on the set last week. Don’t worry about it. Drop your drawers and put them on.”

  Jake wasn’t having it. “Hell no. I’m not wearing a skirt.”

  “Just do it,” Reese ordered. “A bet is a bet.”

  “How long do we have to wear them?” I asked.

  “All day, babe. We have something special planned for later,” Amber said while cracking up with laughter.

  We didn’t have a choice but to obey the girls. While Jake went into the front bedroom to change, I dropped my pants and put the kilt on in front of the two women. Reese turned her head, while Amber watched my every move.

  She tossed me one of the Santa hats once I was finished. “Don’t forget this.”

  Fast forward three hours. We’d gotten back on the road and were making good timing. The mountainous views were picturesque, and for a change our twin daughters were staying occupied with an animated movie about Christmas.

  Jake sat on the passenger seat acting as my wingman, while the women remained close to the little ones.

  “Pull over here, Jax,” Amber ordered.

  I figured she felt carsick or wanted to take a picture of the landscape since it was covered in snow. Shirtless, and still wearing the kilts, Jake and I remained seated, prepared to stay there until we left again.

  “What are you waiting for?” Reese asked us.

  “What are you talking about?” Jake replied to her.

  “Get your asses up. It’s time to pay the piper.”

  “Yeah right. We’re on a main highway. I’m not getting out of the chair.”

  Amber walked right up to me carrying a decoration she’d purchased for the ranch. It was a road sign on a stick with directions on it, one being the North Pole. She shoved it closer, forcing me to take it. “Take your brother outside and let us get a picture. The faster you do it, the sooner you can take off the kilts.”

  Jake was fast on his feet, eager to finally be done with the charade. I leaned over and kissed my wife before exiting the motorhome. “Paybacks are a bitch, dear. Remember that.”

  She cackled. “All I care about is sending this picture to everyone in the family. Now, go on out there and pose for me. I’m planning on using this for our annual Christmas card.”

  With cars passing by, we both stepped outside, our boots the only things keeping our feet from frostbite. The cold air whipped over my exposed body, my nipples hardening as tiny shards of snow smacked agains
t it. I pulled the Santa hat down over my ears, ignoring the slew of cars honking as they blew by.

  Then I looked at my brother, suffering the same fate. He didn’t have to explain how awful it was, and I certainly didn’t have to read his mind.

  “Okay, guys. Stick the pole in the ground and pretend you’re peeing.”

  I turned around and looked at my wife, who had her camera cocked in the air. “I hate you for this.”

  She giggled more. “If you’re good boy I’ll warm you up later, Jax.”

  It was all the incentive I needed to bend my white ass over and moon them, before posing with my brother. Amber and Reese may have gotten the last laugh, but I’d hold her to the promise of turning up the heat later, even if my pride had to go to make it happen.

  Chapter 15

  Jax

  Twenty-seven days we spent on the road, driving across country and then back home again, at least to the ranch in Kentucky. We were meant to arrive on Christmas Eve, only to show up at three a.m. Christmas morning instead. With the girls still fast asleep, Amber and I wrapped presents and stuck them under the extra large tree at Uncle Colt’s house.

  The aroma of coffee resonated from the kitchen where we discovered Aunt Van already up and preparing breakfast.

  She came over and hugged both of us. “I’m so glad you made it. Your mom and dad are going to be so happy. They were worried last night when you called and said you were going to be late. We thought you’d miss pancakes.”

  “For the past month I’ve craved your pancakes. If we had to jump on a plane to make it here, we would have. Luckily, Jake and Jax drove through the night.”

  I added. “The weather in Colorado was horrible. We had to go so slow. At one point the snow was too heavy to continue. Don’t get me started on the ghost. Every time I turned around my stuff went missing. Nobody believes me. It’s crazy.” When I noticed Amber giving me the stink-eye, I decided to let it go. “It’s good to see you, Aunt Van.”

  “I’ve got all the pictures back from the wedding for everyone to look through today. They turned out beautiful. I got some good ones of your mom and dad. I even snapped a few of your performance.”