Shaxoa's Gift

by Gladden, DelSheree

  Finally, my exhausted mother excused herself. She held back her regret at leaving me behind, but I knew she understood why I needed to stay. Sophia had left soon after our talk in the kitchen to check on little Josiah Black, who had been down with a respiratory infection for the past few days. I sat at the kitchen table, unsure of what to do with myself. The soft thud of Lina Crowe’s crutches pulled me from my chair.

  “Mrs. Crowe,” I exclaimed, “what are you doing? You’re not supposed to be walking around.” I hurried to her side. She took my arm with a smile and I helped her to the table.

  “Contrary to what Sophia may think, she is not my mother,” Lina said. “I’m fine walking around a little bit.” Her smile was warm, but her eyes were still red and swollen from crying. She was worried about her son, too.

  “You really don’t mind if I stay here for a little while?” I asked.

  “Of course not. I’ll be glad for the company, actually.” Smiling, she said, “Sophia can get a little bossy.”

  “Really, I’ve never noticed,” I said with a laugh. It felt good to smile, even if it was at a joke said only to make me laugh.

  “It will be good to have you here,” Lina said seriously. “I know he’ll be back.” Her eyes darted away, and I wondered how sure she really was.

  “Do you?”

  Lina’s eyes fell back on me, her lip quivering. “I wasn’t at first,” she admitted. “When I spoke to him in his room, I had the feeling he was about to do something very dangerous. When he said he couldn’t live without you, he really meant it. I think he was going to…I don’t know what exactly, but I knew it wasn’t good.”

  Her hand slipped gently into mine as a dread-filled numbness spread through me. She thought Uriah was going to…Taking a deep breath, Lina squeezed my fingers tightly. “I tried to say something to him that would change his mind. I tried to tell him that no matter what happened, he was strong enough to make it through this, but he just looked at me and said ‘I don’t know if I believe that.’ I know it was wrong of Quaile to lie to Uriah, but whatever she said to him before he left, she kept him from doing whatever he’d been planning. I just want him to come home safe.”

  “So do I,” I said. I was shocked, listening to her words. Would Uriah really try to hurt himself? He had always been so strong. What had he been through in the past few days to drive him to such a desperate point? Quaile undoubtedly had the answers I wanted, but she had said I had to do this on my own. Even still…I had tried calling her after dinner. It rang and rang with no answer. The only other person who really knew what had happened was Cole, and he wouldn’t be back until tomorrow night at the earliest. Frustration welled inside me once again. The unanswered questions were almost as bad as being trapped.

  Brushing her tears away, Lina attempted to smile through her worries. “It will be good to have you here. We can remind each other of Uriah and help one another through this. Uriah thinks I’m stronger than he is, but I’m not strong enough to go through this again. I’m glad you’re staying with me, because I need someone to help me while he’s gone. I can’t bear to lose him too.”

  Pulled from my seat, I rushed to her side. I kneeled next to her. Lina wrapped me in her arms. We sat there, crying for all the pain and confusion we could do nothing to solve. Eventually the tears ran out. We sat together for a few more minutes, neither of us wanting to be alone.

  The soft creak of the front door opening pulled me out of Lina’s embrace. Rubbing my eyes, I stood, ignoring the pain in my legs from kneeling so long. Uriah’s mother dried her eyes as well. Her quiet smile was a little stronger now. “Thank you,” she whispered. I could only nod. I needed her support even more than she needed mine.

  “Lina Crowe, I told you to stay in bed,” Sophia said. Her mouth turned down at the sight of us. “How is your leg ever going to heal if you don’t sit down and rest once in a while?”

  I couldn’t help but smile. Sophia could always be counted on to offer her opinion. The problem was, she was almost always right. “I’ll help you back to your bed, Mrs. Crowe,” I said.

  “Claire, please don’t call me Mrs. Crowe. I’ve told you a dozen times it makes me sound like an old lady,” she complained.

  Uriah’s mother had been asking me to call her Lina for the past year and a half. I felt strange talking to her like a friend from school, but a friend was exactly what I needed. What I really wanted to call her was “Mom,” and I held fast to the hope that one day I would be part of her family. “I’ll try not to,” I said.

  She was still sleeping in the living room. She had stayed on the couch after she was injured so she could be near the fire, and have easier access to the kitchen and bathroom. Plus, I had the suspicion it made it easier for Sophia to keep an eye on her. Lina’s walk was slow and shuffling, but she seemed determined to make it back to the couch with as little help as possible.

  “What are you two even doing up? It’s after midnight,” Sophia said.

  I glanced at the clock on the fireplace mantel and was surprised to see that she was right. I didn’t realize how quickly time had passed. Suddenly, I did feel tired. I wondered where Uriah was. Was he already asleep? Was he as scared as I was? Even though I wanted him near me, I hoped he was safe, and that whatever he was doing would bring him back to me.

  “Now where are you going to sleep? Sophia asked me.

  “Oh, um, I don’t know,” I said. I knew where I wanted to sleep, Uriah’s bed, but I was afraid to ask. Normally, I wasn’t allowed to spend much time in Uriah’s room. I knew his room, his bed, would hold his familiar scent, and I was aching to be surrounded by it.

  “Why don’t you take Uriah’s room?” Lina said. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

  “Thank you,” I said with tears in my eyes. Slipping into a pair of pajamas and crawling into Uriah’s bed was exactly what I needed. I stepped away, eager to wrap myself in Uriah’s scent. A sudden thought made me pause. “I don’t even have any clothes or a toothbrush.”

  “I have a few extra toothbrushes in the bathroom,” Lina said. “Sophia, would you mind getting her one?” With a quick nod, Sophia left the room. “Sophia can take you by your house tomorrow so you can get whatever you need.”

  “Thank you,” I said again.

  Sophia was back quickly, a brand new toothbrush in her hand. “Now both of you had better get to bed,” Sophia said.

  Hugging both women appreciatively, I walked slowly back to Uriah’s bedroom. Getting some of my questions answered had proven an effective distraction, but that reprieve couldn’t last forever. Finally left alone with my unbearable thoughts and feelings, I hesitated. Ever since Daniel had been ushered away, I had been fighting the strange compulsion to run after him. Intent on finding answers, the feelings had been pushed to the back of my mind, a dull throbbing.

  Standing in the hallway with no other distractions, the pull of the bond came rushing back full force. The shock nearly forced me to my knees. Gripping the door frame, I closed my eyes, taking deep steadying breaths. For a few seconds that seemed to help, but out of the darkness came Daniel’s familiar, smiling face.

  His expression watched me, smiling with such pure devotion. But it can’t possibly be real, I thought to myself. There was no reason behind our love. Even though I had dreamed about him for years, not knowing who he was, they were only dreams. They weren’t real. “I can’t fall in love with a dream,” I said defiantly. The darkness, of course, had no reply. A sob broke out of me and I fell against the doorframe for support. I tried to force Daniel away, to bring Uriah to me instead, but I just couldn’t seem to push him out of my mind.

  Snapping my eyes open, desperate to get rid of his image, I was finally free of Daniel’s face, but the desire to flee Uriah’s quiet home threatened to break me. Gritting my teeth so hard my jaw began to ache, I forced myself to release the doorframe. Taking a single step forward, I felt my resolve strengthen, even if only by the smallest degree.

  It was only a few more steps to r
each Uriah’s room, but the struggle to get there was exhausting. Every second, I was forced to battle feelings for Daniel and my desire to reach the shelter of Uriah’s bed. Sweat beaded on my forehead and tears ran down my cheeks. When I finally stepped into the room, I felt like I had truly triumphed over the Twin Soul bond.

  Surrounded by Uriah’s belongings, I felt Daniel slip away enough to allow me to think clearly again. With as much time as Uriah and I had spent together, I had actually spent very little time in his bedroom. While his parents loved me, they were strict about us staying in the common areas of the house. Standing among Uriah’s favorite books and possessions made me feel closer to him.

  Sitting at his desk, I drank in the details of the room, even the scents and sounds that surrounded me. My brother’s room was never anything short of a disaster area, but while Uriah’s was not exactly spotless, it was neat and ordered. CD’s were arranged on a shelf above his desk, ranging from his most to least favorite. Five of the first eight cases held albums I had given him over the past year and a half.

  I smiled thinking of my own CD collection. My top favorites were gifts from Uriah as well. I considered slipping his Coldplay CD into the stereo, but my chest tightened at the thought. The music I truly wanted to hear was not on any CD, but in Uriah’s voice. The simple song was a lullaby he sang to me when life seemed too overwhelming for me to face. He didn’t actually write the lullaby, but it seemed to capture his love for me as if it had come straight from his heart.

  Once I had asked him what the name of the lullaby was, but he didn’t know. It was a song his maternal grandmother had sung to him as a child. The lyrics spoke of love and devotion so pure and right that they always calmed any fear or anger I had. The song was meant to be sung by a parent, to a child, but with a few simple alterations, Uriah had changed it into a love song meant only for me.

  I wondered if Uriah knew how badly I needed that reassurance as I sat in his room. I had faith that wherever he had gone and whatever he was doing, he was doing it for me, for us, but I needed him so badly. I felt so divided, and I was terrified that I was not strong enough to hold myself together without Uriah’s strong arms around me.

  Reluctantly, I pushed the lullaby to the back of my thoughts and glanced around for something else to occupy my mind. Searching the desk, I realized that his laptop computer was still sitting there. Being responsible for running the ranch now that his father was gone, Uriah had decided to enroll in online courses instead of leaving San Juan Pueblo for college. As a graduation gift, my mother, Cole, and I had gotten him the computer so he could keep up with his classes more easily.

  A subtle pulse of fear ran through me. What did it mean that he left it behind? Had he given up on any kind of future for himself like his mother suggested, or did it mean he planned on coming back and taking classes. Did he believe he would succeed at whatever he was doing? Would we ever be together again? Maybe it didn’t mean anything. He ran off so quickly, planning to leave me behind and then promising he would be back. Maybe he didn’t even think about the laptop. I was just so desperate for any kind of hint or reassurance that I was probably searching for clues where there weren’t any to be found. I wished Uriah was here to explain everything. I felt lost without him.

  Turning away from the desk, I moved to Uriah’s bookshelf. He and his father had made the shelf together. Unlike anything Cole had ever attempted to make with my father, it was very well made. None of the four shelves sagged in the least and every corner was perfectly square. Scanning the titles of the books, I remembered many of them. Great Expectations and The Iliad were stuffed behind another row of books.

  Neither book had been Uriah’s cup of tea, or mine for that matter. Uriah had loved reading The Odyssey, but had found the endless political intrigue of The Iliad a bit harder to get through. As for Great Expectations, I don’t think anyone in either of our classes understood the point of that book. I wondered, if I read it again, whether I would understand it any better now. Pushing the book back into its place, I decided I didn’t care enough to test the theory.

  Many of the classics were present on Uriah’s shelves, but so were his favorite type of books. Uriah loved mysteries. His collection ranged from Hardy Boys, his favorite books as a young boy, to the much thicker novels of John Grisham and Tom Clancy. I was more partial to Jane Austen and Emily Bronte, but after much coaxing, Uriah and I had begun trading a few of our favorites with each other. We found ourselves actually enjoying them quite a bit.

  On the very bottom shelf was a photo album the size of a large hardback book. Touching the faux leather exterior, I gently pulled the book onto my lap. It was our book. Our memories. My fingers trembled as I started to open the front cover. The desire for Daniel swept over me as if it knew I was trying to defeat it. Forcing my hand to open the book, I blinked in relief when Uriah’s smiling face stared up at me.

  An irrational fear that the photos would have been stolen away, just as my memories were being pushed deeper into my mind, had me expecting to see only blank pages. But there they were. The first few pages were of a school trip we had gone on to tour Las Alamos National Labs. I think everyone had been expecting something a little more exciting or dangerous than what was really there, but the trip had still been a lot of fun.

  The next few pages held pictures of Uriah and me riding through the desert hills on our horses. Closing my eyes, I remembered the many afternoons we had spent together riding and exploring. Every once in a while Cole would join us, or our friends from school like Tyler and Lana, but most of the time it was just the two of us, building memories in the bluffs and valleys of the New Mexican desert.

  Coming out of my reverie, I turned each page of the photo album slowly, remembering every picture, every kiss, embrace, or special moment that went along with each one. I wrapped myself in the comforting blanket of my memories, promising myself that I would be strong enough to keep my love for Uriah. He was out fighting, in whatever way he could, and I would do no less. I would fight however hard I had to in order to hold onto my memories. Uriah was worth more than anything I might be forced to give up.

  Finally coming to the end of the book, I was reluctant to put it down, but my eyes were starting to close on their own by then. Setting the album on Uriah’s bed, I trudged back to the desk for the toothbrush I had left there. The tiny bathroom was really much too small for everything that had been squeezed into it, but it was better than wandering through the house to the larger main bathroom.

  Standing in front of the mirror, I caught a glimpse of myself for the first time since waking up. I was shocked at my appearance. My hair needed to be brushed very badly, and my face was red and swollen. Picking a small brush up off the counter, I slowly ran the brush through my hair.

  The methodical motion was calming. It reminded me of the way Uriah liked to run his fingers through my hair. He always told me how much he loved the color of my eyes and hair, and I knew he meant it, but I sometimes teased him that he only liked the color because it was different from the other pueblo girls’ hair, velvet brown instead of pure black.

  After splashing some water on my face, I started to brush my teeth. Even the toothpaste made me think of Uriah. The spicy mint flavor made me miss his kisses desperately. My eyes started to burn with tears, but I did not want to cry again. I had to be strong. I rinsed my mouth and splashed cold water on my face again. I turned the light off and stepped back into his room and considered my clothes. I was grateful, though a little embarrassed, that someone had taken off the ceremonial Tewa dress I had been wearing when I collapsed, but I really did not want to sleep in my jeans.

  Walking over to Uriah’s closet, I ran my hands along his hanging clothes. I picked out a long t-shirt and held it to my face. Breathing in the scent of it, I could picture him wearing the shirt. Quickly, I threw off my own clothes and pulled the shirt over my head. It wasn’t what I really wanted, but it would have to do.

  Climbing into Uriah’s bed, I folded my arms ar
ound the photo album. My heavy eyelids closed, but my mind was not ready for sleep. Lying in my own house at night, I had imagined many times what it would feel like to lay in Uriah’s bed. I had never pictured myself there without Uriah lying right next to me, his strong arms encircling me. The emptiness of the bed filled me, and the tears I had been holding back came rushing out.

  I cried, terrified of what the future would bring. Thoughts of Daniel kept creeping into my mind, but I forced them away, screaming into the pillow when memories of Uriah seemed too hard to find. I battled against the pain and fear I felt. All I wanted was to have Uriah back with me, to have him wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything would be alright. My body shook from desperation and the fight to think of only Uriah.

  Slowly exhaustion overrode the fear and pain, and even the ever present pull toward Daniel. My mind fell, thankfully, into oblivion.

  5: Too Far Away

  The summer sun was hot, even just after dawn. Talon’s furry body complimented the heat on my face. His head was resting on my shoulder with his eyes still closed peacefully. I knew there were other animals keeping watch, and I was sure Talon was grateful for the chance to rest. Even with me driving at a slower pace than usual, Talon was still exhausted from running for so long.

  Not wanting to disturbed my friend, I laid under the pink and orange desert sky, watching two falcons dart back and forth. My thoughts were not on the birds, however, but on Claire and the Hano Shaxoa. I had no name for the woman, but I doubted that she would be hard to find. Even in San Juan, if residents knew no one else, they knew who the Shaxoa was, and they stayed away from her. I doubted it would be any different in Hano.

  My fingers slid beneath my shirt and brought out the leather necklace Quaile had given me. The symbol hanging from the thin strip of leather represented the shaman’s authority. The outer rim of the weaving held colors and designs specific to San Juan Pueblo. I knew Quaile had been speaking honestly when she said the Hano shaman would help me if I showed her the token.