Angel of Mine

by Jessica Louise

  A worried look passes over her face and she starts talking to her feet in a mumble so quick I can hardly understand her. “It’s not what you think. I was following Alex here and my car died and I was walking and I heard this noise and…”

  Am I hearing all this right? Cutting her off, I try to make sense of what she is saying and encourage her to get to the point. “You followed Alex? Wait, that doesn’t even matter. Stop stalling Ally. Why. Are. Your. Hands. Bleeding?” I stress each word, hoping she understands. I want to know and I want to know now. I’m sick of her putting her safety on the back burner. I’m still holding on to her wrists and not letting go until I find out what’s wrong. I’m determined to get to the bottom of this.

  “On the way here, there was a man in an alleyway; he’d been shot.” My heart rate picks up and my eyes widen in alarm.

  “Oh God, please tell me you didn’t.”

  I scan her hands again and then the rest of her for bullet wounds as she goes on. “No, I didn’t do what you think. I knew I couldn’t get to you if I was dying in an alleyway. I called him an ambulance. Like I said, I’m fine.”

  I’m still not convinced though. “Why is there blood all over your hands? Did you try?”

  “It was on the phone he passed to me to talk to the ambulance officers.” Her voice trails off as she says this and I realize she is staring at my arm. The arm I had a cannula in when I got here, and the vein collapsed causing a nasty bruise. Busted. Shit. Taking a deep breath, I try to think quickly on my feet of how to get out of this.

  She starts barraging me with questions before I get the chance to say anything though. “It’s not a family member is it? It’s you. Why do you have bruises on your arm? What’s going on? Are you hurt? Are you sick?”

  I feel the warmth from her hands start to course through me just before they start to glow faintly. I drop them like hotcakes. “No, Ally. Just walk away. You are not helping me. I won’t let you.” Backing up a few steps, I try to ask her politely to leave. “I think it’s best if you just go Ally. It’s not safe for you here.”

  Her stubborn streak comes out, and she raises her voice and steps closer towards me again. “I’m not leaving. Tell me what’s wrong. I’m going to help, and I’m not giving you a choice.”

  The only way my panicked brain can think of to get her out of here is to offend her and get her away as soon as possible. “Ally, this was never serious. You need to leave; you’re not welcome here. This is for me, and my family to deal with. I want you to go.” The lie burns like acid as it comes out of my mouth. Her face twists in anger and determination.

  “Stop denying your heart.” She is screaming at me now. “Whatever it is, we can overcome it. Let me in. Let me help,” she implores with me, but she can never help me. Never. I won’t allow it. At the same time, I can’t let her go on without telling her just how much she means to me.

  My eyes lock in on hers. “I love you more than anyone else ever will. Can’t you see that? I dream about you at night, and I think about you first thing in the morning. I. Love. You. I love you like breathing. How can I stop? This is why I need you to leave. Please leave for me.”

  As I wipe away the single tear rolling down her face, she leans in close and pleads a whisper in my ear, “Let me love you.” My heart feels like it’s in a vice as I shake my head. I run my hand down her face, memorizing every beautiful inch of it and bend down to place a kiss on her forehead.

  “I will always love you Ally, but you can’t stay. It’s better this way, trust me.”

  With great difficulty, I turn and leave her with tears of sorrow silently cascading down her face. I leave my heart right there with her and keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. I briefly notice Alex’s puzzled face as he helps guide me away, and I don’t miss the look of sympathy he gives Ally either. I just have to keep telling myself, it is better this way.

  “I don’t get it. Why didn’t you just tell her? She was so upset. Were you trying to protect her feelings? Cause I could already see her heart breaking right there in front of you. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but jeez, she deserves to know Theo.” It’s later that night, and Alex and I sit down to have a heart to heart. He had waited for Mum and Dad to leave the room for dinner, and then dove right in with his opinion.

  “You don’t understand. There are reasons I don’t want her to know. It will just make things worse. Trust me Alex and leave this alone.”

  Flustered, he throws his hands up in the air. “Fine.” If he had more information he would understand why I want it this way but I can’t tell him. The less people that know, the safer Ally is. It’s not that I don’t trust my brother, but he might accidentally slip up when he doesn’t mean to. “I’m gonna go grab something from the candy machine. You want anything?”

  “Yeah, get me a Mars bar.”

  No doubt still annoyed at my vague explanation, he nods and leaves the room.

  Shivering in the cold, I glare at the candy machine and jingle the few coins sitting at the bottom of my pocket. My stomach is rumbling, the hard bench seat I’m perched on is giving me a numb bum, and even worse is the cold cement wall of the building where I lean. I’m so uncomfortable and it seems like I’ve been waiting out here in the dark for hours.

  The parking meter probably ran out a long time ago and no doubt, my mum is worried sick, especially since she can’t get a hold of me. Half expecting her to show up here to look for me, I slink back up against the wall and continue to wait.

  Finally, I see him appear. His head hangs low to his chest and he looks all doom and gloom as he walks out the double glass doors and into the night. As soon as he is near enough I pounce. “Alex, hi. Can I talk to you a minute please?” He stops dead in his tracks staring up at me.

  Shock registers all over his face and he turns, gazing longingly back to the safety of the waiting room as though he might make an attempt to escape at any given moment. He must feel loyalty towards his brother after what went down earlier and not want the guilt talking to me will bring.

  “Please Alex,” I implore. “I think I might be able to help Theo, but I need to know what’s going on.” He looks pissed off all of a sudden. His eyes have formed into slits and his arms are firmly folded across his chest. I assume it’s because he thinks I am giving him false hope.

  “How? How do you think you can possibly help Ally?” He spits out. How can he possibly understand without me going ahead and showing him? He will think I’m crazy if I try to explain.

  Deciding that actions speak louder than words, I pull my keys out of my pocket, they have a pocketknife on them that Mum keeps in case of emergencies. I’ve always laughed at her because she fancies herself as the female version of MacGyver, but she insists with the way we always find ourselves in strange situations it’s best to be prepared in whatever ways we can. I’m not laughing at her now, that’s for sure. “Do you trust me Alex?”

  He looks back and forth between the keys and me suspiciously. “Are we going on a drive somewhere?”

  “No, my car broke down a couple of blocks away. I actually stumbled across you guys here by accident trying to find a pay phone.” Then before he has the chance to realize what’s happening, I flick the blade of the pocketknife open. It catches his eye briefly as it glints in the light from the overhead fluorescents, and then I slash it across his lower leg. No way would he have let me do that if I were polite enough to ask first.

  Quick as a flash he jumps back, “Far out, you crazy bitch. What on earth do you think you’re doing?” Holding his hands up in a defensive mode, he waits for my answer cautiously.

  Throwing the knife to the ground to prove I’m no longer a threat, I state simply “Trust me, for Theo’s sake.” He goes to say something else. The words are stuck in his throat as he notices the unmistakable glow coming off my hands. I crouch down and slowly inch closer towards him.

  Somewhere in the background, I hear his sharp intake of breath as I bathe in the warm glow that comes of h
ealing someone. My eyes are closed and a smile splays across my face for those few split seconds before the stinging hits me across my leg, and I wince.

  Opening my eyes, all that I see left on Alex’s leg is a few drops of blood trickling down onto his sock. Lifting the leg of my pants so he can get the full effect of exactly what has just occurred, I rise to meet his confused face.

  He has the usual wide eyes of course, but something else is in them that I don’t usually see as a response to my gift. Hope. Hope is prominent in his eyes.

  “How?” He can’t find any more words and just looks at me, waiting for answers. His hands have dropped back by his side, and he is in a relaxed stance, he is no longer afraid.

  “Let me know how I can help Theo. Tell me what’s wrong with him.” His questions can wait. Theo is behind one of those windows lighting up this monstrosity of a building and he is in pain.

  Seeing Alex’s brain ticking over, I push again for answers, taking advantage of his confused state. I need to know how I can help as soon as I can. I want to get Alex’s word he will help, no matter what. “Come on Alex, the sooner you tell me, the sooner I can help.”

  His head tilts to the side as though he is contemplating something before he speaks. “Theo was trying to protect you by staying away, wasn’t he? How does this work?” He motions in between my hands and his leg.

  “After you tell me what’s wrong, then I can take the time to explain. Right now I need to know what’s wrong so I can make him better.” He eyes me suspiciously.

  “You take whatever you heal? You want to take what’s wrong with Theo?” Without waiting for my answer, he backs up. “No way, there is no way Theo could live with that. I’m sorry Ally but no. This discussion is over.” He doesn’t sound certain though, and I bet that after he has time to think about what I’m offering, I can talk him around. Surely, he would want help for his brother if he could get it?

  “Come inside and get your leg cleaned up and I will give you some money for a cab ride home.” He turns and walks back in the building, heading straight for the nurse’s desk that has at least three people behind it. I guess there will be no more convincing him tonight.

  I’m silent while my leg is cleaned up, and then gratefully take the cab money Alex offers so I can get home. The old leather cab seats are ripped and smell like stale take out, but it’s better than walking home or having to call Mum and explain. I allow myself to feel gloomy and mope on the trip home, but this is far from over. I will find a way to help him.

  When Alex finally walks back in the room, his eyes are unfocused and he looks a million miles away. “Alex, Alex, Earth to Alex,” I tease.

  He chews on his lip nervously and gives me his attention, “Umm yeah, what’s up man?”

  He looks agitated, and I wonder what has him so troubled since he left the room only sixty short minutes ago. Motioning to his empty hands with a nod of my head, I query, “Where’s the goods? I’m hankering for a Mars bar here.”

  Before a round of chemo, the doctors actually encourage you to eat an abundance of fatty foods, such as chips and chocolate. They like you to pack the weight on because during the treatment, you tend to lose quite a bit of it due to mass amounts of vomiting and loss of appetite. While my taste buds still work and before my gums start to bleed and my throat feels like I swallowed a billion razor blades, I plan to take full advantage of enjoying all my favourite chocolates.

  “Damn, I forgot, sorry Theo.”

  He still looks distracted, and it peaks my curiosity. “Where have you been this whole time? Didn’t you leave with the sole purpose of just ducking out to the candy machine out front?”

  “Oh. Ahh.” He looks around the room as he thinks of something to say, making it really obvious he’s about to lie. “The bathroom,” he concludes.

  My eyebrows rise into my hairline. “For an entire hour?” He bites on his thumbnail just before he replies, his tell that he is about to spew more garbage out of his mouth.

  “I was taking a dump man. Leave me alone.” Not a chance. If this is about him being upset that the leukaemia is back, I won’t drop the subject. I refuse to let him feel this way. This cancer is not going to ruin both our lives.

  Alex has gone above and beyond in the past by being the bone marrow donor for me a couple of years back. He has been there every step of the way and missed countless days of school on my account. I won’t allow him to bottle his feelings up and let thoughts about my cancer consume him. He needs to live a normal life, for the both of us.

  “Okay spill it Alex. What’s wrong? I want an honest answer, no messing around.” I move to stand in front of him, my head held high with a stance that says ‘I mean business.’ He sighs then matches my stance, and I know it’s truth time.

  “I know,” he exclaims.

  “Good.” It’s about time he figures out I can always tell when he’s lying. “So out with it already; I’m waiting.”

  “I know,” is all he has to say for himself, again.

  My voice starts to rise. Frustration is getting the better of me. “I know you know. It’s great you are going to be honest with me now. So tell me what it is that’s bothering you.”

  Gripping me by the shoulders, he shakes me slightly. “No, you’re misunderstanding me. Pay a-tten-tion,” he enunciates each syllable of the word slowly, drawing it out so that there is no way I will miss that what he is about to say is significant. “I know. I know about Ally.”

  My pupils dilate in surprise as I stutter, “Wha… what exactly do you know?” How does he know? Possibilities start racing through my mind.

  “She wants to help you.”

  Shaking my head furiously I snap back, “No. No way. Absolutely not. Do you realize what that would mean for her?” My eyes flare with anger, and I swear steam is going to come out of my nose at any moment now.

  Here I was assuming I was going to have to give Alex a talk about living his life happily, and not letting my cancer consume him, but instead, I find myself defending why Ally shouldn’t help me. The motion is absurd. There are people out there who will want to take advantage of her talent and the thought makes me sick.

  Clenching and unclenching my fists, I walk away a few paces to calm down and regroup. He must have followed me across the room because I hear his voice right behind me. “You’re trying to protect her.”

  Not knowing if it’s a question or a statement but annoyed none the less, I lash back, “You don’t say.”

  When I turn around, I know he can see the torture I feel written all over my face, but I need to get this out before I let the anguish consume me. “Watching her suffer in my place would be horrific. It would be a crime to let her help. I can’t bear to see any harm come to her; the thought is pure agony.” My words come out strangled, so I take a deep breath and continue to voice my concerns. “What happens if I’m not around anymore to look out for her Alex? Her mother kept her hidden for most of her life so that no one discovers her secret. All she has is her mum who is always at work. She has no one else.”

  Not being able to hold back another second, my chest heaves and I shake with despair as I start to break down. It takes a solid five minutes until I am unable to regain composure. Alex pulls me in for a full hug. None of those half man hugs here. We’re used to showing emotion within these walls. He pats me on the back and pulls away to look me in the eyes, “I’ll watch over her Theo.”

  Sobering up after a few minutes, I become curious as to what he thought about Ally’s trick with the flower. “So, it’s pretty cool to watch her heal when it’s something as harmless as a dehydrated flower eh? She is amazing, don’t you think?”

  Alex scratches the back of his head looking bewildered, “Flower?”

  “Yeah, you know when she showed you what she can do?” At my words, he looks down at his feet nervously and scratches the back of his head even harder.

  “Umm I don’t quite know how to say this, but there was no flower mate. Crazy bitch pulled a knife on me.”
He chuckles and points to his leg.

  Residue of blood is there, and I don’t see what’s so funny. Shoving him hard, I yell, “What the fuck man? Where is she? You left her? Is she okay?”

  Holding his hand up to stop me from going in for the kill, he tells me what I need to know. “Calm your farm Bro. It was just a scratch for a little show and tell. No biggie. I got the nurse downstairs to put a bandage on her and gave her some money for a cab home.”

  What? Wait a damn minute, “A cab? You sent her off in a cab late at night on her own?” Rushing to my phone, I pick it up and dial Ally’s number. It goes straight to voice mail.

  Luckily, we are in a hospital with lots of doctors at the ready for my stupid brother’s sake because I’m about to attempt to murder him. My hands shake with how mad I am. “Why on earth did she need to take a cab anyway? Didn’t she say earlier that she followed you in her mum’s car?”

  “Apparently it broke down about a block away. She stumbled across the hospital on her way to find a pay phone and found us instead.”

  Payphone? Oh, I see. All the pieces of the puzzle are coming together now. That’s why she didn’t answer her cell. Either she didn’t have it with her, or the battery died. Figuring this out does not bring comfort though. “If she saw us here hours ago and her car is broken down, how did she get home and back here again so quickly?” As soon as the words have left my mouth, I realize that she never left. She has been sitting around the hospital for hours, most likely cold, tired and hungry just so she could get a chance to help me. “Never mind. I just worked it out.”

  Letting out a huff of air, I instruct Alex, “Go find her for me man, and let me know she got home safe.” Wasting no time at all, he just nods his head and is out the door.

  A few minutes later Mum walks in the room, “Hey honey, I got you a Mars bar, your favourite.” I try my best to smile appreciatively, but I think it comes across more like a grimace. My appetite is no longer here.