The Boyfriend Bylaws (Totally Fit)

by Susan Hatler

  Hi, it’s Nick. Checking to see if we’re on for Friday night. I’ll try you again tomorrow. See you.

  I glanced at Patti, wondering if she’d give me the thumbs up. Then, my phone announced message number two.

  Hello, Melanie. It’s your mother. Ron and I are leaving tomorrow and will be gone for three weeks. We’ll be hiking and camping in the mountains so we won’t have cell reception. Just wanted to let you know. Call if you get a chance. Bye.

  I hung up the phone and tossed it on the sofa chair, wondering who Ron was, how long she’d keep him around, and why my mom thought I’d call her after two years. Granted, the minute I’d heard her voice I’d wanted to dial her number, but she was the one who’d left us, not the other way around. I couldn’t just forget that.

  “My mom’s going hiking for three weeks with some guy and she wants me to call her before she goes.”

  Patti kept her eyes on the TV. “Are you going to?”

  “I don’t know.” I took a bite of pizza and chewed hard. “We haven’t spoken in almost two years.”

  “In her defense, she’s called…what? Five times or so? And, you’re the one who hasn’t called her back.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t have anything to say to her.”

  “Sure you do.” Patti turned to face me. “You have plenty to say to her, which is why you avoid calling.”

  Ugh. I did not want to avoid anything anymore, but I didn’t want to think about my mom. “Nick’s officially asked me out,” I blurted, “and I need permission to say yes. You know, rule number two and all.”

  “Ah, the Italian Stallion.” She wiggled her eyebrows.

  “Ha ha.” I let her get her kicks out while I swallowed my bite. “So, can I go out with him?”

  “No.” Patti’s voice went flat. “I already told you the ‘don’t date where you work’ rule.”

  “What?” I’d played by her Boyfriend Bylaws and she was saying no? “That was not a rule. You merely said it in passing.”

  Silence.

  I felt like smacking Patti with the pizza box, but figured that wouldn’t help me achieve my goal. Part of me wondered why I was even trying, though. Did I really want to go out with Nick? Remembering his smile, I told myself of course I did.

  “Nick is super nice.” It took all my effort to sound interested. “He has potential, really. So, per our agreement, I’m requesting permission to accept the date. Okay?”

  “No.” Patti’s voice was gruff. “At least, not yet. I have some questions first.”

  I hadn’t expected that one. “Fine.”

  “How did he ask you out?”

  I rolled my eyes. “We were talking about my dance classes and how we both liked clubs and then he asked if I was busy this weekend.”

  “I see,” she said, making me wonder what the heck she saw. “He’s a clubber.”

  “He’s not,” I said, excited to be able to say this. “Well, he hasn’t been to any clubs since he moved to Sac. I don’t know about when he lived in L.A.”

  “Doesn’t sound like you know too much about him.” She gave me a skeptical look. “Do you like him?”

  I mentally winced. Sometimes she was so insightful, it was scary. I thought about it. “He seems nice, but…” I remembered how hard it had been to keep a flowing conversation with him. “I guess I don’t know yet.”

  Patti smiled. “Then he’s not The One.”

  I picked up a pillow off the couch and smacked her with it.

  She busted up laughing, grabbed another pillow, then hit me back. “But fine, Signorina Porter. You can have one date with the Italian Studmeister. But, you’d better get to know a lot more about him if you expect permission for another date.”

  “Thanks, Patti.” I picked up a second slice of pizza. “I’ll even find out his shoe size.”

  “Definitely find out his shoe size.” Patti laughed. “By verbal means only. Boyfriend Bylaw number four. ”

  ****

  After my second aerobics class Tuesday morning, I strode toward the locker room to shower, then tensed at the familiar ring from my cell. Pressing my lips together tightly, I fumbled for the phone, and clicked the “talk” button.

  I already had three voicemails from Kaitlin and it wasn’t even ten in the morning. “Hello?”

  “Thank God I reached you.” Kaitlin’s panicked voice came through the line. “Please tell me you don’t have plans Friday night. I have a cake tasting appointment and I desperately need my maid of honor.”

  A cake emergency. Great. “Isn’t that something you’d want to do with P-p….” His name stuck in my throat. “Your, uh, fiancé?”

  “I asked him to come, but you know men.” Kaitlin laughed as if she’d said the funniest thing in the world.

  “Not really.” It was so the truth. I hadn’t anticipated Brad dumping me. And Matt, who’d once thought the world of me, now acted like touching me would be infectious.

  “So, you’ll be there?” Kaitlin sounded hopeful. “Six o’clock? I’ll treat you to dinner after. Somewhere nice.”

  “Actually, I have class at six.” I breathed a sigh of relief. Going cake tasting for Paul and Kaitlin’s wedding ranked right up there with getting a spray tan in the middle of Arco Arena. “Sorry, but I can’t get out of work. It’s a set schedule every week.”

  “No problem. I understand.” She sounded unusually agreeable. “I’ll change the appointment to seven-thirty.”

  I kept the phone to my ear and stared at the ceiling. “Are they really open that late?”

  “Meet me in front of Dreamy Delights at seven twenty-five with your taste buds ready. You’re the bestest sissy ever. Bye-bye.”

  I stared at my cell phone screen. Call ended. Argh. I bit my bottom lip, flipped the phone shut and pounded on Nick’s office door. I really did want to be a good maid of honor for Kaitlin, but how could I with my ex as the groom-to-be? The cheating ex that had been two-timing me with the bride-to-be? Maybe Nick could help me decide what to do about Paul. If there was anything to do, that is.

  “Come in.”

  I entered, finding Nick sitting at his desk staring at his computer screen. “Hi,” I said.

  “Hi.” Nick’s face lit up and he gestured to the chair across from him. “You’re just the person I wanted to see.”

  “I am?” I slid into the chair and crossed my legs slowly.

  His eyes dropped from my face to my legs. “I, uh, went by your class this morning.”

  As I was listening, my eyes floated to a name plaque on his desk that read, “Nick Zambini.” My eyes widened. In the unlikely event that things worked out between us, I’d become Melanie Zambini? Ick. “Can I ask you something first. I need a man’s opinion.”

  “Okay.” Nick eyed my legs a moment longer, then leaned back in his chair with that dimpled smile. “Shoot.”

  “I have this friend.” Not a lie. A person could be her own friend, right? “She really liked this guy.”

  Nick leaned back in his chair and laced his fingers together in his lap. “Past tense, huh?”

  “Definitely past tense.” I bit my lip. Past for me, but not my stepsister. Paul was going to be her future. Which meant he’d be my future, too. “Anyway, this guy cheated on her.”

  Nick nodded. “So, she dropped him?”

  “Well, no. She didn’t know he’d cheated until after he’d broken it off with her.”

  Nick raised his brows. “Huh.”

  “So then…” I paused, wondering what the raised brows meant. He gave me a weird look. “What?”

  He sighed. “A girl knows when her boyfriend’s strayed. Woman’s intuition and all of that. Maybe your friend didn’t want to admit it to you, but she knew.”

  As if. I shook my head. “No, she would’ve told me. Believe me.”

  “She knew.”

  “No, she didn’t,” I gritted out.

  “She. Knew.”

  He said it so confidently. My mind raced for any clues that Paul had strayed. Sure, he’
d worked late a lot, but successful men had to put in the hours. But it had been a clue. A clue I’d completely ignored. Had I been that desperate to be in a relationship?

  My chest went hollow. Yes, I had been.

  Being alone was my greatest fear. Had that made my woman’s intuition malfunction? The idea was overwhelming. How could I ever trust myself when it came to relationships again? Was I going to abide by The Boyfriend Bylaws forever? I started to hyperventilate and decided a change of subject was needed pronto. “Didn’t you say you wanted to see me about something?”

  He reached beneath his desk and pulled a white plastic bag with “Zam Bam” written in snazzy red letters outlined in black. “This is your new uniform.” He handed it to me. “It’s my cousin Peter’s new clothing line and he asked if his photographer could snap some photos of the employees later this week for ads and stuff. If you don’t mind.”

  “That’s fine.” The only thing I minded was ignoring the clues about Paul being faithful.

  I couldn’t deny it anymore. I deserved to be at the mercy of The Boyfriend Bylaws.

  “By the way…” Nick leaned forward on his elbows and looked me in the eye, “I wanted to give you a heads up. We’re changing the aerobics schedule and will only need you three days a week from now on.”

  I clamped my teeth together. “You’re cutting my schedule in half?”

  He nodded. “It just isn’t profitable for the business. I hope you understand.”

  Oh, I understood plenty. When it came to men, I had zero intuition. The guy I was about to start dating had just nixed half my income.

  I uncrossed my legs and rose from my chair, my legs wobbling as I stood. How would I make rent? “When does the new schedule come out?”

  “On Monday, but it won’t take effect for a week.”

  “Okay.” I squeezed the plastic bag and turned to the door, anxious to hurry home and throw myself under the covers.

  “Wait a sec,” he said, holding a hand in the air.

  I closed my eyes, wondering how this morning could possibly get any worse.

  “I tried to reach you last night, but didn’t hear back from you. Are you up for heading to that club you know?”

  It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I’d set the whole thing in play. The least I could do was take the guy dancing. “Sure. Friday, right?”

  “Great.” He bent toward desk, slid a pad to the center and scribbled down a phone number. “How about you give me a call and let me know the address of the club so I can meet you?”

  “All right.” I accepted the paper, our fingers touching in the exchange, but all I felt was irritation. Matt wouldn’t have met me there. Just like Matt wouldn’t have cheated on me the way Paul had. Matt would have picked me up like the gentleman he was.

  He would have been faithful.

  He would have made life yumzy.

  ****

  My phone chirped as I walked out of Nick’s office and I leaned against the wall to take Kaitlin’s fifth call of the day. “Hello?”

  “Hi, sis! I just wanted to let you know that Dreamy Delights was able to move the cake tasting to seven-thirty Friday night. They’re staying open late just for me. I kind of had to talk them into it.”

  I put a hand to my forehead, feeling a headache coming on. “Okay, but just the cake tasting, Kaitlin. No dinner. I’m supposed to go dancing with—”

  “Did you say dancing after?” Kaitlin squealed. “Is this, like, a surprise bachelorette party? Should I invite friends?”

  Bachelorette party? Oh, no way. “What? Wait—”

  “Oh, Mel! You’re the best maid of honor ever. I mean it. The best ever ever ever!”

  “Kaitlin—”

  “Gotta run and buy a new outfit. Something that’ll match a veil. Don’t get one that’s too long. And please, no tacky penises pinned to it. I’m so excited. Thanks. Love ya.”

  “Wait!” I yelled, but the perky voice had disconnected. I hit redial twice to get Kaitlin back but got sent directly to voicemail each time. No doubt Kaitlin was on the line with her sorority sisters already, telling them about the perfect bachelorette party I now had to throw. “Arrrrrgh!”

  “Tough morning?”

  My hand flew to my heart as I spun around. It was Yumzy…I mean, it was Matt. “You scared me.”

  “Scared you?” His brows rose. “You’re the one who yelled. I’m going to see Nick. My last day’s Friday and I have to fill out some paperwork.”

  “Sorry.” I told myself my heart was pounding with panic because Kaitlin’s bachelorette party loomed in my future, not because Matt was leaving. “It’s just my sister. Being her maid of honor is going to put me into cardiac arrest.”

  “Sisters can be the worst, can’t they?” He nodded sympathetically. “Mine can drive me up the wall.”

  “She’s my stepsister.” I wanted it on the record that we weren’t blood related. “She’s getting married in a month and now I have to throw her a bachelorette party Friday night even though I’m supposed to be going to The Oasis with Nick.”

  Matt frowned. “You’re going dancing with Nick?”

  His frown confused me. Could he be jealous? Wait, I’d already proven my intuition with men sucked. First Paul. Then Brad. Then Matt. Finally Nick.

  Cheated on. Dumped. Bamboozled. Salary cut in half.

  No, Matt wasn’t jealous, just curious.

  I sighed. “Yes, that’s right. I’m going dancing with Nick. And, it seems, we’ll be accompanied by a hoard of sorority girls. Wanna come?”

  CHAPTER SIX

  After consuming way too many calories on overpriced wedding cake, I arrived at The Oasis. After spending two minutes with me, Nick strode off with the club owner, Elliott Wittle. That left me with the Bachelorette party from Hell. Despite my joking invitation to Matt, I knew he wasn’t going to be coming, but I couldn’t help wishing he would.

  “I think the bride needs a shot of tequila.” A girl named Ashley shoved her face into mine, her pupils big and black underneath the strobe lights. “Maybe another round for all of us?”

  Her breath smelled like tequila and my nostrils flared.

  “I’m okay with my rum and cola still.” Kaitlin waved her glass in front of her friend, who then disappeared up to the bar. “I think Ash is a little wasted.”

  I turned to my stepsister, who looked regal in an ankle-length white veil. Was she really going to marry Paul DeWitt, the cheater? I wanted to warn her against a life with him, but didn’t she deserve what she got for stealing him from me? “You sure you don’t want another one? It is your bachelorette party.”

  “No, thanks.” She smiled and sipped through a red straw. “I’m perfect.”

  As always, Kaitlin looked perfect. She positively glowed in a camel-colored silk chiffon dress that fit seductively over her new 34 DDs. And despite the small fortune I’d spent buying Kaitlin drinks, she didn’t look even slightly buzzed. The perfection drove me crazy. Especially since one of the sorority girls had splashed their red drink on my favorite pink top, leaving a noticeable stain above my left boob.

  “Be right back.” Deciding I needed a drink even if Kaitlin didn’t, I snapped my purse shut and headed for the bar. Maybe Nick would be out of his meeting by the time I ordered.

  “Wait!” Kim, one of the sorority sisters that had been squealing all night, grabbed my arm. “The bride needs a Blowjob.”

  “Yes, a Blowjob!” A brunette named Heidi grabbed my arm and jumped up and down. Another squealer. “With lots of whipped creee-eam.”

  This reminded me of college, only I was now twenty-five and sober. What a nightmare. I wriggled out of their clutches, knowing my eardrums never would’ve handled being in a sorority.

  “Wait. I’ll come with you.” Kaitlin scooted up behind me and held my hips as we squeezed through the crowd and made our way to the bar.

  I stiffened at the contact. Why was Kaitlin acting like we were best friends? Since the day she’d invaded my home, she’d shown
me up time and time again. Now she was marrying my ex. Ten years living in Kaitlin’s shadow didn’t exactly give me the warm fuzzies toward her.

  Still, when I turned and looked into her bright-eyed face, I couldn’t help thinking: What if she hadn’t known I’d been with Paul when they’d started dating? What if Paul was a loser all on his own and Kaitlin was just an innocent victim?

  After all, I’d assumed Matt was a player, just like I’d assumed Kaitlin had known Paul was cheating on me when they’d hooked up. I’d been wrong about Matt. Maybe I was wrong about her. Shouldn’t I at least make an attempt to find out for sure before I let her marry him?

  Ignoring my guilt, I squeezed onto the last empty barstool, leaned against the bar and waved crisp green bills. “I need Blowjobs!” Despite myself, I cringed.

  “Actually, don’t tell the girls, but can you just get me a water?” Kaitlin asked, just as her headband popped off, flew back through the air, and landed in front of some guy’s feet, the end of her veil beneath his coffee brown loafers.

  “Sorry ‘bout that.” The male voice sounded so familiar that I leaned back on the stool, and peered behind Kaitlin.

  Warm brown eyes looked back at me, and my breath caught. Matt.

  I shook my head viciously, sure that the one drink I’d had earlier was making me hallucinate. It couldn’t be Matt. I leaned back further in my seat, lost my balance, and fell backward off the stool. I landed on my side with an “oof,” then rolled onto my butt and stared up at Matt and Kaitlin, who both hovered over me.