by S. N. Garza
∞ Ten years ago…
“Mom! For once! Please stand up for me! It’s a night where all seniors stay at the high school. Our last bye before adult hood! What’s so wrong with that?”
I looked from my mother who was scared shitless of displeasing her husband, to my father whose face was beginning to get redder.
“She doesn’t make the decisions in this house, Adelaide Claudette. You wanna scamper around all night with boys? Playing a little tease and whore for them? If it’s an all-night affair? What do you plan to sleep in? You’re going to get naked, and change there?”
“It would be in the girl’s locker room. No boys are allowed. It’s only one night. I never get to do anything! Why can’t you be reasonable?!”
The next thing I knew, I was in the living room corner, holding my flaming red cheek.
“You dare you talk back to me? Peggy, get dinner started. I need to speak to Adelaide alone.”
I looked to where my mother stood, looking at me as if I was nothing. A pebble in her shoe. “Mother! Why can’t you love me, and protect me? You know what he’s been doing to me! Help me for once in your life!”
Void of any emotion, she whispered, “You were a mistake.”
“NOW!” My father screamed and she scurried out of the room.
A mistake?
“Yes. You were a mistake. When your mother came here on that mission trip during that disaster almost thirty years ago, she wasn’t with me. She was seeing this chump from her home town. She got stupid enough to get herself knocked up. I felt sorry for her and thought she was pretty enough that if she wanted, being a preacher’s son, I would offer my hand so she wouldn’t go to hell, burning in fiery ash for being a whore and spreading her legs before she married. I would have preferred a son of course, but we got landed with you. You are beautiful, just as she was at that age. You’ve been living in this house for free. Maybe that should change.”
“I don’t understand. Free? What you’ve been making me do to you? All those disgusting, vile things? What has does that have to do anything with me going to project graduation? Every senior will be there. I just want to have some fun.”
“Fun? So, you lust after the boys in school, just as your mother did with that chump?”
“NO! Of course not!”
“Are you so sure? You’re awfully adamant about going to this overnight party.”
“It’s at school. There’s nothing wrong with that. Teachers will be there. Parents! Even the principal. There’s gonna be games, prizes, food! I’m going! You can’t stop me. For once, let me have fun! You say you’re a man of God, but all you do is bully and hurt and torture the ones you’re supposed to love and protect. You’re a monster. I hate you.”
I covered my face as he tried punching it, and he ended up missing and landing the punch on my shoulder. He then starting kicking. He pulled me to stand-up by my hair, and shoved me against the wall as he got real close behind me.
“You really wanna go to this ‘party’? Hmm. You’re not my daughter, it really wouldn’t be the same as if you actually shared my blood. I should make sure you’re not going to give something to the little boys sniffing around you. We wouldn’t want you to end up like you’re whore mother, would we? I’m going to make sure you remember what your consequences will be.”
Oh. My. God. This isn’t happening to me, I thought.
He pressed his front against my back. My dress was long, but the material was loose and thin. I felt his penis against my behind and he rubbed himself against me.
“Just like your mother. You’ll do as I say. When I say. No buts,” he leaned in close to my ear and whispered, “Unless I’m poking this one,” and his hand rubbed and squeezed my backside, as his manhood rubbed against me. “No excuses. You understand? Oh, and you try telling anyone? I’ll make sure no one believes you. I’m a pastor remember? A man of faith and God. Everyone in this town looks up to me. You’re nothing, but a whore’s mistake.”
Then a palm pressed against my breast, and he squeezed me roughly as his hand descended towards my pelvic area. No. This is happening to me. He already made me do shameful, vile things, I wasn’t going to let him take something that wasn’t his. I took a deep breath, quieted the sobs and reared back my head and slammed it into his head.
“Argh! You little bitch.” I started running towards the front when he grabbed ahold of my arm and I took what strength I had, and whipped a punch to his face. My knuckles hurt something bad. When he let go, I grabbed my little purse and sweater from the table in the foyer, and I ran out the door.
The first part of that evening, I remembered walking around. Trying not to be noticed. The back hand to my face wasn’t so hard that it would leave a bruise. There was only a little redness to my face but that could be excused for the sun shining so bright on a hot summer day.
∞
I turned back to face my every waking nightmare. “You don’t scare me. You’re nothing, but a sick, perverted pedophile. You know what God does to men like that?” His face was getting redder. There was a sheen of sweat at the temple of his forehead. “He burns them. Straight to hell. But don’t worry. I forgive you, because I’m supposed to. I’m not afraid of you. Not anymore. You can’t hurt me.”
I turned and walked out that back door. I didn’t need to justify my life to this man. He was nothing to me. Not my father. Not my pastor. Not anyone, but a bad memory. When I got the script ‘Never Forget’ on one wrist and ‘Always Forgive’ on the other, I got it in mind just for this. Never to forget my past, but learn to always forgive those who trespass against me.
I started walking towards the vehicles when I saw Courtland, JR, his mom and dad, along with a few townsfolk talking around the BBQ pit, laughing and having a good time. Courtland looked up and our eyes caught, faltering my steps. I knew he saw the terror in my eyes and I knew my body was shaking uncontrollably. He started walking towards me when I shook my head ‘no’ frantically.
I needed to leave. Right this instant, before I did something that would ruin the lives of every person in this town.
He froze, looking at me with concern and all the love I knew he felt for me. Why couldn’t I say it back? He told me he loved me. I knew he was waiting for me to say it back to him the other night. I even opened my mouth to say it, but-something stopped me. I felt trapped. Instead of speaking a word, I broke down. In unconceivable sobs. Gut wrenching to the core, letting it all out sobs. I wrapped myself around Courtland in that moment. For that alone, I trusted him more than anyone else. Even more than Gram. (She never knew what Geoff did to me that summer, or that he beat and raped my mother whenever it pleased him to do so, she is she had? She would probably commit murder).
Courtland had opened up in a way I never thought he would. Telling me about his mother. About his youth before Joe, and how Joe basically rescued him from himself. It was that trust he gave me, to see he trusted me with the worst of himself.
Could I do that? Could I tell him everything that happened to me and he still love me? Or was I too dirty? Too damaged? To unclean?
His back stood straight and that got JR’s attention. I saw JR asking Courtland something and they all looked my way. Gram was furiously making her way towards me. She saw I was at my limit. I never told her an ounce of my life before coming to Georgia. I had nightmares. Times where I woke up screaming and clawing at myself. She told me if I couldn’t tell her, to try and get help. I was seventeen and I wanted to lash out, but I did take her advice, eventually. She always said I could trust her. I knew I could. I did. But some things, weren’t meant for a good persons ears. Gram was everything kind and sweet in this world. A little New York rebel, wrapped up in a Georgia Peaches world.
Gram rubbed my shoulder and said, “Look there baby-girl.”
Even as JR, his family and Courtland were making their way towards me, they all faded when I knew what I was going to face. Publically. I turned and our eyes met. His with malicious hateful intent, mine with a strength t
hat was fading.
I saw him standing outside the door with my mother. He was looking at me with controlled rage, but also with lust. I was sick to my stomach already.
“Baby-girl? Do not let him get to you. Did you say your peace?”
“I think so.” I whispered.
“Did you get what you needed to say out?”
“Not really, but I’ll be okay.”
“Shug, no you won’t. There might be dozens of people here, but that man needs to know how badly he hurt you. Before I do something, like run him over with the car.”
“Gram?! How did-
“Those nightmares? One of the times I stayed in your bedroom, to see if I could calm you? You kept saying, ‘please daddy stop. That hurts daddy. Why me daddy? Please leave me alone tonight.’ And Adelaide? It took every ounce of strength I had, not to come here and kill that sick son of a bitch with my bare hands. You go tell him how wrong he was. You be strong. You are stronger than that man. God will take care of him when it’s his due. You did nothing wrong. You’re about to do, nothing wrong.”
Geoff was walking towards a few townsfolk and something suddenly came over me. Gram was right. I didn’t deserve what happened to me. I didn’t do anything wrong. My nerves were shot and I was on my last bit of strength when I clinched my fists, let the mad take over and I marched right up to him.
“Pastor Hunter?”
He turned and smiled his fake ‘can I help you’ smile, when I swung back and let go with everything I had. I felt something crack in my hand, but seeing his nose bleed, gave me more pleasure than thinking about the pain in my hand.
“I’m turning you in.”
“How dare you Adelaide Claudette Hunter!” Someone in the background called out.
The town’s people were rallying against me and supporting my father. Uncle Chet came between us and looked from him to me with questions burning in his gaze.
I could feel the heat of Courtland standing behind me. He didn’t touch me and I was glad for that. I don’t think I could say what I was about to say, if he was trying to give me comfort.
“Turn him in for what, Addy?”
I couldn’t look Uncle Chet in the eyes. Even though they had different colored eyes, their faces were the same and I just couldn’t bring myself to hate the face standing between my enemy, and me.
“Ten years ago, that night when I got arrested for trespassing with Courtland? Actually before that-as a girl, he beat me. When I turned sixteen, he-,” I couldn’t say it. I already felt the vomit chasing my throat, ready to come up. I took a deep breath, swallowed and continued, “Made me do things to him. But that night, he told me I wasn’t his blood daughter and I should pay for living in his house for nothing. Not with money, or chores either.” I could hear Aunt Maggie’s gasp ringing out loud, along with several others. I didn’t know if they believed me or not, but I knew the truth. The way Uncle Chet’s eyes were hardening, I hoped he was believing me. JR scooted closer to my side. I knew could always count on him. “Then when he came and picked me up from the courthouse, he forced himself on me and almost every day for the rest of that summer. Remember he never wanted me to have a job, but I had to make money somehow. I had to get away. I paid for it every time I got home from work that summer. With my body. I don’t care if none of you believe me. I know what happened to me should have never happened. It’s the truth as I’m standing before you now.”
I looked at Aunt Maggie, and she was sobbing into JR’s arms. “I am so sorry for ruining your birthday BBQ. It was rude and I know the timing of this is highly inappropriate, but it’s done. I apologize.” I shifted my eyes to my uncle, but I couldn’t look at him straight on. I focused on the house behind him when I spoke to him. “I never could look you straight in the eye, Uncle Chet. I am so sorry. I can’t. At least, not right now. You were very kind to me. Once since I turned sixteen, I just couldn’t look at you without seeing him and I was too ashamed to-“
“Don’t. You don’t ever apologize to me. Or anyone.”
I nodded my head. “I’m gonna go. I can’t-
I turned, and bumped straight into Courtland. His fists were clinched tight. His eyes were burning with rage and to my surprise, tears. His jaw was tense when he looked at the man that everyone thought was my father. I knew the need he had to rip into something. To make Geoffrey Hunter hurt, like he hurt me. Then, his eyes turned to look right into mine.
“This is why I can’t be with you Courtland. We are just worlds apart and I can’t get over all the bad shit that happened to me. I can’t-”, my voice was breaking and I was ready to cry again. I needed out of here, like now. “I’m sorry,” I closed my eyes tightly, releasing the tears that begged to be set free, then opened them to see Courtland shaking his head franticly, whispering ‘don’t say it’, but I had to. “Sorry, but I can’t love you back.”
Then I ran like the coward I was. The shame. The guilt. All the ugliness of my youth bled into my present and I knew would eventually drown out my future. I hopped into the passenger side seat, with my Gram at the wheel.
I told her, “Let’s go home.”
It was the hardest choice I’ve ever made in my life. Walking away from the best thing that ever happened to me. My miracle, but I couldn’t drag him down with me. He deserved so much better than what I had to offer.
Sighing, Gram whispered, “Are you sure about that baby-girl? Look.”
I looked up and saw Courtland in front of the car. Hands and arms opened wide, pleading for me to come to him. Eyes wide with tears strolling down his face, and his head shaking no. Begging me not to leave him. Begging me to take a risk. Take a chance. Begging me to love him like he loved me. Tears were falling from my eyes and he became blurry. I shook my head slowly, feeling my body writhe with this heart ripping agony.
But I just-didn’t have it in me.
I looked at Gram and said with a voice that came stronger than I thought, “Yes. Let’s go home.” Then I laid my head against the window and closed my eyes, shutting out the world. My whole word. My Courtland.
Twenty-Three
Courtland
Even with open arms, she still left me. It was a big move for me. She was the only woman I told ‘I love you’ to. Hell, any person. I hoped that she would say it back.
The words she just so easily said hardened the heart I was trying to give her. I felt the tears threatening to fall from my eyes, and for once, I wanted them to.
The fact Geoff wasn’t even her father was one shocker. The fact that he beat her was another. Molesting her?
During my time in the Marines, I saw some wicked shit and was put in dangerous situations. I could stay hard-core, mission over emotion. Get the job done. Move on. Not knowing that I left her here to endure and suffer under the hands of a monster? Made me sick to my stomach. The Marine in me wanted to set aside the emotion of failure and deal with the problem I just walked away from behind me. Deal with something tangible. Like killing Geoff Hunter. When Adelaide shut me out of her life, saying she couldn’t love me back and driving away from me, made me think I was so easily duped.
Who could fall in love in so easily as a week? Ha. I’m such a fucking idiot. A week of awesome sex, and perfect company. And she was hiding this, all this time. All those years of pain and anger, just shelved away. It must be really funny for her to know I splayed my feelings like a pussy so easily, and not get anything in return.
Fuck this. I’ll deal with my stupidity later. Just because she didn’t love me back didn’t mean I don’t care about her, and what happened to her when she was younger. I set the emotion back. Let the boiling rage rise to the fore and I made my way back to set it right with the one man who had no idea what pain really was.
Geoff Hunter was a dead man walking.
Thoughts of murder ran through my mind and I knew I couldn’t kill him without going to jail for murder. Honestly? This time around, I didn’t care.
Deep down Adelaide was still that hurt, alone, abused and used
seventeen year old girl who didn’t know love and had no idea how to love. That was the only excuse I could come up with to keep my heart from falling into a black abyss.
Looking up, I found the crowd of town people disappear, except a few too-interest spectators, going to their cars to leave and Chet slamming his fists in Geoff’s face and giving him a piece of his mind.
“All my life. I thought I knew you Geoffrey. My own fucking twin. Beating his wife and child. Then taking innocence away from the sweetest angel we’ve had in this family. God I thought that shit died with dad. Beating on his wife. You were so deceptive, weren’t you? Pastor and man of faith, but as soon as those doors close you became a monster. Just like him. I knew she was different after that stupid ass arrest. Hell, even after she turned sixteen, but I didn’t want to pry. She wasn’t my daughter to protect. I thought if I prayed enough, maybe she would go to Maggie. Thinking it was a girl problem. We’ve been so fucking blind.”
All the while he was saying this he was laying down blow after blow to his twin brother’s face with tears streaming down his face.
“Chet.” Maggie was calling out to him. “Chet! Stop, he’s done for.”
“The hell he’s not, mother. I’m next.” JR was red faced, his body tense with rage and his eyes burning with tears for his cousin.
“JR, no, you’re not,” turning she yelled out Chet’s name. “CHET ALEXANDER! STOP THIS NOW! YOUR SON!”
That made him stop. It sure as hell wouldn’t stop me. Chet stood, with bloody hands and Geoff’s face practically busted and broken. The guests must’ve laid about a hundred calls to the cops, because all we started hearing was a symphony of sirens. Looking towards the dirt road of the driveway, about two dozen police cars were lighting up and throwing gravel as they made their way to us.
“Dad, Addy was my cousin. Practically my sister. I deserve to protect what’s mine too don’t I?” JR was trying to get past his father to the bleeding man on the grass floor.
“No, son. He’s not worth it. Just stay by your mother.”