by Sienna Parks
“No! I know this man. He’s strong. I can bring him back. I know I can. I have to.”
My eyesight is clouded by tears. It’s too late. I couldn’t save him now, even if I was in an operating room, never mind being in the middle of a field. But, I can’t make myself stop. I don’t want to call time of death on Maddox’s dad. I’ve broken his heart once in my life, and this will destroy him.
“Stop, A.B. He’s gone.” Maddox’s voice is thick with unshed tears. I ignore him; I can’t lose another patient that I care about. My arms are agony from putting all my strength and all my energy into trying to make Bobby’s heart beat again. It’s not until Pops’ speaks – barely a whisper, but deafening.
“Annabeth. You did everything you could. He’s gone. Please, stop. It’s over. My boy is gone.” With that, my hands just… stop. I stare into the serene face of death, broken and overwhelmed with guilt.
I lean over and kiss Bobby’s forehead. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Hale. I won’t forget what you told me. I promise.” I slump to the ground beside him, the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins, gone in an instant. I look at my watch, the words choking me as they pass my lips “Time of death – 3:56 p.m.”
The paramedics quickly take over, moving Bobby into the ambulance, before calling the coroner. No matter how many times I’ve seen people die as a doctor, I will never get used to it. What made him who he was, isn’t there anymore – if anything, it only confirms to me that each and every one of us have a soul that passes on. That unseen element of human beings – the part that lets us love and be loved.
When the rise and fall of a person’s chest ceases, it’s as if they physically transform. It’s something most of us don’t even think about, or notice – the everyday miracle of our lungs contracting and expanding, supplying our bodies with the oxygen we need. The absence of that imperceptible movement we make 23,000 times a day, becomes the focus of our thoughts and emotions. It’s a moment that burns itself into your brain – a reminder that we are all going to die one day.
Maddox has his arms around Pops; his grandfather now silent, his tears dried up, his soul shattered into a million pieces. I pull myself together and grab my bag. “Can I check you over, Pops? Or I can have one of the paramedics do it if you’d rather?”
“I don’t need checking. I’m healthy as a horse. A cruelty rather than a gift at this point. No man should outlive his son.”
“She’s right, Pops. Let’s get you up to the house and checked out.” Maddox turns his attention to me.
“If you don’t mind taking a look at him… I would appreciate it.”
“Of course.”
We walk in silence, past the ambulance, and I sense their reluctance to leave Bobby behind. It’s a natural reaction for family members, and in this case – I feel the same way. Today started out like any other. I saw mundane patients all morning, wishing someone would have an illness more serious than a common cold. I could never have anticipated this. A wave of guilt washes over me, crashing into my chest. For days, I’ve been replaying my last encounter with Maddox, over and over in my mind… and the conversation I had with Bobby. He asked me not to hurt his son.
As we approach the house, Jax and Rae appear in the doorway. I watch as Maddox steels himself the moment he sets eyes on Rae. Her eyes are filled with tears, and she is anxious to get to her daddy. Kids are more intuitive than we give them credit for, and it’s clear she knows something is wrong.
“Daddy!” She runs into his arms, and his resolve crumbles. He drops to his knees, clutching his baby girl in his arms.
“It’s okay, Sunshine.”
“Why is Docor A.B. here?” Our eyes meet, and my heart sinks. I quickly move to Pops’ side.
“Let’s get you inside.” Jax comes to my aid, wrapping his arm around Pops, guiding him up the steps and into the house. As I follow closely behind, I hear Maddox – his voice barely recognizable.
“Come sit on the swing with your daddy for a minute. I need to talk to you.”
“Daddy, I don’t wike it when you wook sad.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” The crack in his voice is my undoing.
“Jax. I need a minute. Can you get Pops a glass of water and I’ll be right back?”
I may have been gone a long time, but he still knows me better than most. I still remember where the restroom is in this old house – muscle memory, the only thing propelling me forward right now. I stagger into the small half-bath, locking the door before sinking to the floor in a flood of tears. I don’t think I can do this again.
I came back to town to get away from the loss of a patient… among other things. I had been treating her for two years, and her family adopted me as one of their own. I thought losing her on the table was the worst I could feel as a doctor. Telling her mom and dad that she didn’t make it almost broke me, but this? This is by far the most horrific day of my career, and it pales in comparison to how Maddox and Pops must be feeling. Seeing all hope fade from their eyes as I tried in vain to save Bobby… was like watching a part of them die, too.
I sob in silence, willing myself to toughen up. I need to make sure Pops is okay. He could go into shock. No parent should witness the death of their child, no matter how old they are. I drag myself up and twist the creaky faucet, splashing some cold water on my face in a vain attempt to mask the redness of my eyes. I grab the towel, acutely aware that it smells like Maddox – a mix of clean laundry and cologne – the same one he wore in high school. It gives me a brief moment of comfort before returning to the living room.
The rest of the evening goes by in a blur. After checking on Pops and giving him something to help him sleep, I dealt with the coroner, trying in a small way to alleviate some of the responsibilities on Maddox. Jax and I worked together to ensure everyone that needed to be informed of Bobby’s sudden passing was told; and that everyone who came to the house to offer condolences didn’t disturb Pops or Rae. It took Maddox a few hours to calm her, rocking her back and forth in her room; cradling her with such unfiltered love. Eventually, they both succumbed to their grief, falling asleep held tight in each other’s arms; their cheeks still wet with tears.
I stand in the doorway, staring in awe at the boy I once knew. He has become an incredible man – so much more than I ever expected. I believed he was the rodeo playboy he was purported to be – I guess I wanted to believe it. It was easier to think he had become a player, rather than that he found a woman he vowed to love, honor, and cherish above all others. A woman who gave him something I never could. As I lose myself in thought, Jax appears at my side.
“How you holding up?”
“Look at them.”
“Pretty amazing, right?”
“That’s what real soulmates look like. She’s a tremendous little girl.”
“She’s been through a lot. This will be difficult – her and Bobby were so close.”
“Really?”
“He was like a different man when Rae was born. He was all the things he could never find it in his heart to be for Mad.” Rae stirs, curling closer to her daddy’s chest. “Let’s go into the living room; everyone has gone. It’s just us, and I think there are a few things we need to discuss.” I take one last glance, my heart full as I memorize the planes of their faces, perfectly content.
“Did you call Rae’s mom? Where is she? No one talks about her.”
“Maddox didn’t tell you?”
“The last time I saw him, we had a fight. We haven’t really had a proper conversation since I got back. He doesn’t want to let me explain.”
“Can you blame him? You broke him, A.B. He was never the same after you left. None of us were. He breezed out of town at the first chance he got, and avoided this town like the plague.”
I slump into the couch, my body exhausted from the events of today. “Why did he come back?”
“He met Sam – Rae’s mom – on the circuit. They were just dating, having some fun, and then she fell pregnant. You know Ma
ddox. He wanted to do the right thing, and he didn’t want to be an absent father. He knew what it felt like growing up with a dad who wasn’t engaged in his life. So… they got married and initially he brought her here and went back to the circuit. It was apparent even before Rae was born, that Sam wasn’t going to be able to cope with living here on her own for any length of time, to let him travel and pursue his dreams.”
“Oh my God. I had no idea.”
“From the moment she was born, Maddox has been here, for every feeding, diaper change, and nap. He was never bitter about having to give up riding, and he gave it his best shot with Sam, but he knew they weren’t right for each other.”
“So, what happened? Where is she now?”
“She left the house to set up for the town fair two years ago and never came home. They haven’t heard from her since.”
My heart breaks for the sweet little girl down the hall. “How could she leave them? Her own daughter.”
“I honestly don’t know, A.B. Why did you leave Maddox?”
“I…”
“Actually, I don’t want to know right now. Today has been hard enough. This family has lost so much. God, I can’t imagine how Pops is going to get through this. And Rae…” His eyes fill with tears. “It was torture keeping her in here today; knowing there was nothing I could do to help you guys.”
“I can tell you without a doubt, you did more for Maddox than you could imagine. It would have destroyed him even more if Rae had seen her granddaddy like that.” I move to comfort him, finding solace in the arms of an old friend. “I’m sorry, Jax… for everything.” He squeezes me a little tighter.
“I’m glad you’re here.” We sit for long minutes, taking stock of what matters most. People aren’t expendable, and I hate that I made everyone who means anything to me feel that way when I left. Footsteps echo down the hall.
“Am I interrupting something?” I turn to see Maddox glaring at me.
Jax is quick to jump in. “Just getting a hug from my long-lost sister. How is Rae?”
“Sleeping. She doesn’t understand what’s going on, but she’s upset because her granddaddy isn’t here. I can’t believe he’s gone.” His face softens, the realization kicking in – causing a physical pain in my chest.
“Are you hungry? The whole town brought food. I can warm you a plate?”
“Why are you still here?” I can feel my walls crumbling.
“Give her a break, Mad. Today was rough, and she did everything she could. She’s been checking on Pops and corralling half the town through this house to make sure Rae wasn’t disturbed. I couldn’t have coped without her.”
He turns to me, pain radiating from every pore. “Thank you for everything you did today. I know you went above and beyond to try and save my dad. No one could have done more. Truth is, it was too late by the time I got to him. I’m just glad I was with him in his final moments. The thought of him lying in that field… alone… after what I said to him this mornin’.” He grabs a beer from the counter, wipes his eyes, and heads out the back door.
Jax moves to follow him, but the sound of Rae calling out stops him in his tracks.
“Go and settle her. I got this.” He looks at me with a questioning frown.
“You two haven’t been able to have a civil conversation since you got back.”
“Jax, I’m a doctor. I understand when family members blame themselves, and replay anything left unsaid. Please, let me do something useful. I won’t upset him. I give you my word.” Rae continues to cry out, and I know she needs him. “Go – she needs you. She doesn’t know me, Jax. She just lost her granddaddy. She needs family.” With that, he disappears down the hall.
I grab a beer, taking a long, cold swig of liquid courage before heading out to find Maddox. He’s sitting on the back steps, head in his hands, the empty beer bottle smashed against his dad’s old rocking chair. I tentatively sit down beside him, holding out my beer as a peace offering. “You need this more than I do.” His eyes are tired, his blank stare heart-breaking to witness.
“Cheers.” He throws it back like a glass of water, flipping the bottle out into the dark night. “Why did you come? I was a dick to you the other night.”
“I’m a doctor, Mad. And no matter what has happened between us, or how careless I may have been with your heart all those years ago – your dad was family to me. You all are, and I would never let anything get in the way of helping you if you need me.”
“I needed you back then.” I reach out to offer comfort, support… an apology. I don’t know what I can do that would make it better.
“I’m so sorry… for hurting you all those years ago… for… everything.” I can’t bring myself to mention his dad. If there was one thing I could have done for Maddox in his lifetime, it would have been to save Bobby. His deep exhale as I rub my hand up his back has my insides screaming to move closer, and I feel so guilty I can’t breathe. He just lost his dad, and all I want to do is lose myself in his arms – to try to block out the nightmares I know are coming in the solitude of my bedroom.
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Do what?”
“Be your friend. I’ve hated you for so long. I’ve spun so many scenarios to explain why you left, and I finally got to a point where I could live my life. Me and Rae against the world. I’m only just finding my way, you know?”
“I don’t want to disrupt your life, or do anything to hurt Rae.”
“Losing him…” He struggles to continue and all I want to do is kiss him as he wrings his hands through his hair, just like he did when he was seventeen. “It’s too much, A.B. Pops, Rae, the ranch – it’s all on me now, and I can’t risk messing that up. All he ever wanted was to build a legacy with this ranch – something that could be passed down through the generations. I fought him every step of the way. Do you understand? I can’t go back there… with you.”
I slowly remove my hand from his broad, taut shoulders, putting some distance between us. “I understand. I need you to know that your dad was proud of you, Mad.”
“Can we just… not talk about him right now. My mind is racing with everything I need to do. I have to find his will, organize the funeral… Pops… fuck, he is never going to get over seeing that today, A.B. And Rae – I told her that granddaddy went to be with the angels, but she doesn’t understand. She thinks he’ll be back in a few days.”
“She’s a resilient little girl. I don’t know her that well, but I can already see your strength in her.”
He turns to examine me, looking for an answer of some sort. “Who told you about Sam?”
“I didn’t go looking for gossip, Mad. You have to know that.”
“Yes. I’m well aware you wanted zero knowledge of me after you left.”
“That’s not true.”
“Who told you?”
“Jax told me earlier today. He was just concerned about you and Rae. He loves you guys, and he’s devastated right now. You should go and talk to him. I think it was as hard for him to stay in the house with Rae and do nothing, as it was for us to be in that field.”
His body relaxes, an imperceptible movement that changes his entire demeanor. “Fuck. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been here for Rae.” He hesitates. “I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here with me. That’s not easy for me to admit, but there is no one else that could have or should have been next to me today. You really…” His hand brushes against mine and I can’t bear it – a knife to my already broken heart.
“It’s my job.”
“Sure… that’s what I mean. Thanks for staying and helping Jax deal with everything at the house. I appreciate it.” His eyes find mine, and I can’t bring myself to look away. So much that will be left unsaid between us. I can’t expect him to dredge all of this up again now; it would be selfish of me to even try.
“It’s getting late. I better go and let you rest. It’s been a hard day and your family needs you.
Promise me you’ll look after yourself. Rest, eat, take time to process.”
“I’ll let you know the arrangements.”
“Thank you. I’d like to pay my respects. Your dad meant a lot to me, and he wasn’t pleased with me the last time I spoke to him.”
“Yeah. I get that.”
“Jax has my number – you can text me the details.”
“Okay.”
It takes all of my willpower to stand up and walk away. I don’t want to leave him… not today. But this isn’t about me. It’s about him, Rae, and Pops. The best thing I can do for all three of them is to keep my distance. “Let me know if you need anything, or if there is anything I can do to help. Tell Jax I said Thanks. He’s a good friend – I’m glad y’all have stayed close.”
He’s lost in thought, staring out into the field, his eyes fixed on the tractor – marking the spot where a heart stopped beating, and many hearts where broken.
The house is quiet as I find my bag and step back out into the warmth of a muggy Texas summer. As I drive back to my house, the gravity of today hits me square in the chest, ripping an anguished sob from my throat as I struggle to breathe. I pull my truck to the side of the road, aware that I’m hyperventilating. I give in to every emotion I’ve been holding back today. The pain that took hold the day I decided to come back to Kingsbury Falls. I scream to the gods, pleading for a chance to go back and fix my mistakes.
Bobby spent so much of his life being bitter, and taking it out on everyone around him, but I always believed he was truly brokenhearted. He never got over Mad’s mom leaving, and today I realized how sad that really is. Life is fleeting. Death does not discriminate. And I’m making the same mistakes he did, and I don’t know how to change them.
I have thought about Maddox every day since I left all those years ago. I have loved him through every relationship I’ve attempted. I’ve yearned for his touch more than any accolade my career could afford me. In a shroud of darkness, I let myself cry tears of utter despair. Grief racks my body; coursing through every fiber of my being. For the man I couldn’t save, for the life I could have had, and the man I never will.