Tiger Takes the Big Apple

by David P. Reiter

  But as the noise died down they could see Mick shaking his head. ‘Too little, too late,’ he repeated.

  ‘It isn’t!’ Tiger insisted, hopping up and down. ‘Do the Abell 2218s want to go down in Inter-Galactic history as a force that exterminated a beautiful planet just when its life-forms had decided to make a new start?’

  Even as Tiger spoke, Mick was shape shifting back into his true robotic form, even taller and more frightening than his companions.

  ‘History is written by the winners,’ Mick said, metallically. ‘To battle stations now, and may the best force win!’

  He and the other robots turned, and slowly made their way back toward the gangplank.

  ‘Wait!’ called the President. ‘Isn’t there anything we can do to convince you we are serious about this?’

  Mick didn’t even bother to turn. ‘No,’ he said. ‘We have our orders. Prepare to die!’

  ‘United we stand!’ the President called after him, with Madonna at his side raising her fist into the air. ‘We will fight you to the last breath!’

  ‘YES!’ cried Tiger, doing his best to make a fist of his paw, giving up, and yowling all the louder. ‘To the last cat-breath!’

  ‘And crow-breath,’ cawed Syd.

  ‘And lizard-breath,’ added Wanda.

  ‘And camel-breath,’ said Number 12, farting loudly with his exertion.

  But there was no reply from the robots, not a word, not a signal, nothing, as they shuffled up the plank and into the starship, which shot away into a trembling black night that soon was filled with stars again, and one lonely planet about to meet its fate.

  in which Project Earth-mend

  is in the balance

  As soon as Mick’s starship was out of sight, the President and the ambassadors dove for their phones. There was so much shouting and even screaming going on, that they had to spread out away from the picnic table, to be heard by those they were calling.

  The Project Earth-mend team stood in an awkward circle, staring at each other.

  ‘What’ll we do?’ said Tiger.

  ‘If they all go off on their own,’ said Wanda, ‘without a coordinated defense, we’re doomed. We might as well get ready to step into the inferno.’

  Tiger had no idea what an inferno was, but he was pretty sure it wouldn’t be a pleasant place.

  ‘Do something!’ Number 12 urged Tark.

  Tark let them go on for a while before, with a sweep of his toe, he did something that scrambled the microwave signal.

  The ambassadors were enraged, saying nasty things about their phone companies. The Russian ambassador was so angry that he threw his phone on the ground and stomped on it until parts spurted everywhere.

  The President was the first to catch on. ‘You’ve cut us off, haven’t you, Tark?’

  ‘It was the only way of getting your attention,’ Tark confessed as the ambassadors gathered around. ‘We must act, but we must act as one.’

  ‘Easy for you to say,’ said the United Kingdom ambassador. ‘We each have our own air force, army and navy, and none of us have a way to talk to each other since all communications are encrypted.’

  ‘Not anymore,’ said Tark. ‘From now on, you will truly be a United Nations!’

  A holograph console appeared before them, with one master voice-activated field, and several smaller fields that translated words as Tark spoke into French, Chinese, Russian, Spanish, German and Hebrew.

  ‘Hello, Planet Earth!’ Tark called.

  Instantly, the fields filled with words in the different languages.

  ‘Very clever,’ said the Chinese ambassador. ‘But how do our people receive the messages if you’ve scrambled our microwave signals?’

  Tark smiled. ‘Microwaves are so twenty-first century. Electro-waves are much faster, almost the speed of light in fact.’

  ‘That’s fine for sending,’ said the Russian ambassador, ‘but we have no receivers at the other end.’

  ‘That’s the beauty of this technology,’ said Tark. ‘It seeks out the closest receiver and embeds an electro-wave node in it. Instant communication!’

  ‘Better not spell it out too clearly,’ warned the President, ‘or our Chinese friends will clone it!’ Then, quickly he added, ‘That was a joke, Mr Ambassador. Just a joke?’

  ‘It is magnificent, Tark,’ said the French ambassador. ‘But we must have a message to send. How will we defend the Earth?’

  ‘Wait!’ cried Tiger. ‘Aren’t you forgetting something?’

  All of them looked confused, even Tark.

  ‘The whole point of the Project was to make you humans understand that we animals have as much at stake in what happens on Earth as you do. We want to be involved. Must be involved!’

  ‘Nicely put, Tiger,’ said Wanda. ‘You’re pretty clever – for an Introduced Species.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ said Tiger. ‘I thought we’d finished with that Introduced Species nonsense when I became a Member.’

  Wanda narrowed her eyes. ‘You’ll always be an Introduced Species, Tiger. But at the top of my list.’

  Rocky shuffled up between them. ‘Just give us the message, and we’ll get it out there. It may not be at the speed of light, but if the Raccoon Channel works, why fix it?’

  ‘What about the pigeons?’ asked Syd. ‘They’re in the Project. And the falcons – don’t forget the peregrines. Their network is like greased lightning!’

  ‘I’m a few steps ahead of you,’ said Tark. ‘Each Project member species already has their own node. What we send, they’ll receive, too.’

  ‘OK,’ said the President. ‘But first and foremost we have to have a plan. How will we stop the attack, or counter it once it’s begun?’

  ‘They are few, and we are many,’ said Tark. ‘More importantly, we are determined. And we are fighting for our very existence!’

  ‘Nicely put, Tark,’ said Wanda. ‘You said we, as if you are one of us.’

  ‘He is one of us,’ said Tiger. ‘As one Introduced Species to another, I move that we make Tark an honorary Earthling.’

  Tark’s skin turned slightly red. ‘It may be the shortest honor on record if we don’t win this. Here’s the plan…’

  Tiger was left in charge of the holograph console. Less than an hour later, the first reports were coming in.

  ‘It’s from the Sperm Whale Alliance advance sentries,’ he said. ‘Dozens of starships cruising over the Atlantic, heading due west.’

  ‘Into American airspace,’ said the President. ‘We need to scramble some jets, pronto, Tark.’

  ‘We can take them from behind,’ said the United Kingdom ambassador. ‘Iceland Command is fueled and ready to go. Just give us the word!’

  ‘OK,’ said Tark. ‘Off they go. But no shooting. We don’t want to be the ones who fire the first shot. Buzz them. Impress them with your speed, but NO SHOOTING.’

  The United Kingdom ambassador rushed over to Tiger and dictated the message. Almost as quickly as it went, the reply came back.

  ‘We’re on their case, Mr Ambassador. Missiles at the ready.’

  ‘NO SHOOTING!’ cried the ambassador. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘Roger,’ came the reply.

  ‘Can we see what’s going on out there?’ asked the President.

  ‘Of course,’ said Tark, swiping another section of the console, revealing a widescreen display. ‘I’m afraid it’s only 3D, but the Griffon program had a few cuts to their budget. The next version will be 4D holographic.’

  ‘That’ll do,’ said Number 12. ‘Those special glasses make me dizzy anyway!’

  Tiger thought the Abell 2218 starships were like overgrown watermelons – not that he was all that keen on fruit – with their ends pulled out. Dozens of UK Harrier jets were in tight formation just behind them, until Tark gave the signal and they began to dive and buzz around the bigger ships like pesky insects. The starships broke out of formation, and one even tried to pursue the closest jet. It was faster than the jet, and bore down on
it with astonishing speed. Tiger had to close his eyes before the collision, but the jet swerved away at the last minute.

  ‘The Abells didn’t fire,’ said Clint, looking over Tiger’s shoulder. ‘Why not?’

  ‘It’s the soft underbelly of this robot species,’ said Tark. ‘Once they’re programmed to do a single task, in this case destroy the Earth, they have to go on manual pilot override to deal with the unexpected. Mick will have his hands full, lucky for us.’

  ‘Urgent message coming in from Sea Eagle Central!’ Tiger cried. ‘That’s back home in Australia,’ he added.

  They all gathered around the console as it zoomed in on a huge nest-like structure where several sea eagles were intently glued to screens of their own.

  ‘Check this out,’ one of them said to Tiger.

  ‘What are we looking at?’ asked Tiger.

  ‘We’re about 50 kilometers from Uluru,’ said the eagle, tilting his monitor so they could see The Rock in the distance. ‘I have no idea what they think they’ll find out here!’

  The eagle angled the monitor so they could see a pair of starships hovering over the desert. Just then, one of them plunged straight into the ground, with a huge plume of smoke and dust rising from the impact.

  ‘Yippee!’ shouted Madonna. ‘Chalk up one for the good guys!’

  ‘Did it crash?’ said the President. ‘Or did the Aussies shoot it down?’

  ‘Afraid not,’ said the eagle. ‘From what our scout is reporting, it seems to be drilling.’

  The second starship also plunged to earth but not before they could see a huge drill bit extending out of its nose.

  ‘Ah ha,’ said Tark. ‘I know what they’re up to. Very nasty of Mick!’

  ‘What?’ said Tiger. ‘What are they doing?’

  ‘Your planet has a molten core, right?’ said Tark.

  The ambassadors nodded as one.

  ‘These starships will drill into it, releasing eruptions of lava. End of story for Australia!’

  ‘Oh, no,’ said Number 12. ‘My beautiful desert – gone!’

  ‘Not necessarily,’ Tark said, sending signals of his own from the console. ‘They didn’t count on our Bat Brigades!’

  Within minutes, huge clouds of bats came into sight on the eagles’ monitor. Soon they were circling over the two yawning holes in the ground into which the starships were drilling.

  ‘What can they do?’ said the President. ‘They’re just bats.’

  Tiger smiled. ‘Not just bats, Mr President. They’re Aussie bats and we’ve signed up billions to the Project!’

  ‘Look,’ cried Wanda. ‘They’re dropping something into the holes. What is it?’

  ‘It’s what you call poo,’ said Tark proudly. ‘They’ve been saving it up for weeks now. Ever met a constipated bat? He’s one mean critter!’

  The ambassadors watched amazed as billions of dung bombs were dropped by wave after wave of bats. Finally, what had been gaping holes were now topped by mounds of poo. The bats circled for a while and then disappeared over the horizon.

  ‘Mission accomplished,’ the eagle declared. ‘Give the sun a few hours and that pile of poo will be hard as concrete.’

  ‘And the starships?’ said the President. ‘Any sign of them?’

  ‘Dead as dinosaurs,’ the eagle said with glee. ‘Over and out Mission Control.’

  ‘Over and out!’ Tiger replied.

  They barely had time to do High-Fives all around before the console lit up again.

  ‘It’s Boneapart,’ cried Tiger. ‘You know, as in Killer Whale Taxis?’

  ‘How could I forget?’ said Number 12. ‘I still get sea-sick every time I remember that terrible ride down to Jonah’s Resort!’

  ‘That was fun!’ Wanda said. ‘Especially when he let me steer on the way back!’

  ‘What’s he saying?’ asked Tark.

  Tiger twisted a knob to turn up the volume.

  ‘Greetings to all at Project Earth-mend,’ the bubbly voice was saying. ‘We have confirmed that at least six starships have plunged into the South Pacific and are drilling into the sea floor. But no problem – the Southern Rights are onto them.’

  ‘Have you got any vision for us, Boneapart?’ called Tark.

  ‘Just my iPhone 3 on Skype,’ Boneapart bubbled back. ‘Will that do?’

  ‘Well, show us what you’ve got,’ Tark urged.

  There was nothing at first but cloudy water, but, as the KW Taxi approached the first starship, they could see a tag-team of at least six Southern Right Whales surrounding the starship. Every time the ship tried to drill, three whales would attack it with their flippers, spinning the ship against the direction of the drill, so it got nowhere. Then, the other team would do the same, but in the opposite direction. When the drill finally failed, all six whales came down on the starship with all their weight until it was stuck in the sea floor at a ninety degree bend to the drill bit. Streams of bubbles were escaping from the starship.

  ‘Great stuff!’ Tark said to Boneapart. ‘Pass on our thanks to the Southern Rights.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Boneapart replied. ‘Once we’ve rusted out those meanie robots, we’ll have a new chain of resorts for Jonah’s!’

  There was another round of High-Fives, and even the Russian ambassador joined in, giving the President a big bear hug.

  ‘All well and good,’ said the President, ‘but what about that fleet of ships heading our way? How will we save The Big Apple?’

  Tark’s expression darkened. ‘We’ve done our bit, Mr President. Time to send in the Marines?’

  The President laughed in spite of the gravity of the situation. ‘That’s just an expression, Tark. It’s the Air Force we want now.’

  Tiger shifted to one side. ‘Take it away, Mr President.’

  The President leaned toward the console but then hesitated. ‘Once I give the order, there’s no turning back. This could be the end of the world as we know it. Or just simply the end – of everything.’

  Madonna came up and squeezed his hand. ‘I’m sure Michelle would do this if she was here,’ she said. ‘We’re all behind you, Mr President. Be brave!’

  The President nodded then leaned down again. ‘Cheyenne Control, this is your Commander-in-Chief. Come in, Cheyenne Control.’

  ‘We read you, Mr President,’ came the reply.

  ‘Code Red,’ said the President, hoarsely. ‘At the first sign of aggression on the enemy’s part, tell our commanders to pull out all the stops. The Big Apple depends on them.’

  ‘Roger, Mr President. Code Red is activated… now!’

  The console scanned the oceanfront, revealing dozens of warships at the ready as the first wave of starships approached, with the British and now the French Mirage jets still nipping at their heels but hardly slowing their progress.

  Within sight of the Statue of Liberty, all the starships save one stopped.

  ‘It must be Mick’s,’ guessed Tiger, though he didn’t really have a clue.

  Seconds later, the starship let off a massive burst of laser beams, toppling a skyscraper close to the shore like a matchstick.

  And so it was on. The front line of battleships let loose a round of missiles, each of which struck its mark. The struck starships exploded, with their wreckage plunging into the ocean.

  The ambassadors cheered, shaking the President’s hand, but then the grim reality came to the fore. As quickly as the hit starships dropped, they were replaced by a next wave, and then the wave after that. There were just too many of them. Before they could be hit, the starships were sending off more deadly laser beams, each of them striking their mark, with buildings crumbling and people running for their lives in the streets. Not just people, either. Pigeons were scattering everywhere, and at ground level Tiger could even see packs of rats coming out of the sewers, sniffing the air, and then dashing off every which way.

  He was tempted to say I told you so, but he felt sorry for the rats. They were, after all, just trying to survive like every
one else.

  Some of the struck starships made such massive waves on impact that they swamped the warships or even hit them directly as they came down. Tiger and the others watched helplessly as the ships sank. But then, just as all seemed lost, hundreds of sailors bobbed up to the surface, some of them on the backs of dolphins that had come to the rescue.

  ‘Look!’ said Tiger, pointing at the far edge of the screen and then zooming in. Dozens of helicopters and smaller ships were heading out from the harbor.

  ‘Help is on the way,’ the President declared. ‘If only those brave men and women can stay out of the line of fire!’

  Meanwhile, the first starships had cruised over the Statue of Liberty and were now above the Island of Manhattan. The American, British and French jets were still weaving in and out, buzzing them, but were holding their fire.

  ‘We can’t afford to shoot at them now,’ said the President. ‘If we bring them down, thousands will die below in the city.’

  The Russian and Chinese ambassadors came up on either side of the President, and the Russian even clutched the President’s shoulder.

  ‘My friend,’ the Russian said. ‘My people are in solidarity with your people on this very tragic day for one of the great cities of the world.’

  ‘Ours, too,’ said the Chinese ambassador, shaking his head. ‘Tragic. I always dreamed of taking a holiday in New York and going to your Broadway plays.’

  The French and United Kingdom ambassadors came up, too.

  ‘It goes without saying, mate,’ said the United Kingdom ambassador. ‘Right to the end, if it comes to that.’

  ‘And the French people as well,’ said the French ambassador. ‘I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but at times like this, please remember that you have had no stronger ally.’

  ‘Except the British people,’ the United Kingdom ambassador said quickly. ‘Through thick and thin!’

  ‘If I may remind the ambassador,’ the French one replied, ‘of the Revolutionary War, which was fought against the British with the help of the French?’