Paul Jenning's Weirdest Stories
Page 1
ALSO BY PAUL JENNINGS
Unreal!
Unbelievable!
Quirky Tails
Uncanny!
Unbearable!
Unmentionable!
Undone!
Uncovered!
Unseen!
Tongue-Tied!
Paul Jennings’ Funniest Stories
The Cabbage Patch series
(illustrated by Craig Smith)
The Gizmo series
(illustrated by Keith McEwan)
The Singenpoo series
(illustrated by Keith McEwan)
Wicked! (series) and Deadly! (series)
(with Morris Gleitzman)
Duck for Cover
Freeze a Crowd
Spooner or Later
Spit it Out
(with Terry Denton and Ted Greenwood)
Round the Twist
Sucked In…
(illustrated by Terry Denton)
For adults
The Reading Bug
… and how you can help your child to catch it.
For beginners
The Rascal series
Novel
How Hedley Hopkins Did a Dare…
More information about Paul and his books can be found at www.pauljennings.com.au and www.puffin.com.au
PAUL JENNINGS’
VIKING
an imprint of
PENGUIN BOOKS
VIKING
Published by the Penguin Group
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Individual stories Copyright © Lockley Lodge Pty Ltd
First published by Penguin Books Australia Ltd
The Strap-Box Flyer from Unreal!, 1985
Snookle, The Busker, Souperman and Pink Bow-Tie from Unbelievable!, 1987
Greensleeves, On the Bottom, Frozen Stiff, Mousechap and Cracking Up from Uncanny!, 1988
Only Gilt from Unbearable, 1990
The Mouth Organ, Ice Maiden and Birdman from Unmentionable!, 1991
Noseweed, Thought Full, What a Woman and Wake Up to Yourself from Undone!, 1991
Round the Bend from Unseen!, 1998
Lennie Lighthouse, Spot the Dog and Hailstone Bugs from Tongue Tied!, 2002
This collection published by Penguin Group (Australia)
a division of Pearson Australia Group, 2006
This collection Copyright © Lockley Lodge Pty Ltd, 2006
Illustrations Copyright © Bob Lea, 2006
The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted
All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright ownerand the above publisher of this book.
www.penguin.com.au
ISBN: 978-1-74-228305-0
Lennie Lighthouse
Tonsil Eye ’Tis
Noseweed
The Mouth Organ
Greensleeves
On the Bottom
Snookle
Thought Full
What a Woman
No is Yes
The Busker
Ice Maiden
Only Gilt
Frozen Stiff
Round the Bend
Spot the Dog
Mousechap
Hailstone Bugs
The Strap Box Flyer
Souperman
Santa Claws
Cracking Up
Pink Bow-Tie
Unhappily Ever After
Wake Up to Yourself
Birdman
Lennie was catching moths.
With his mouth.
Boy it was funny. There he was, standing next to the river in the dark forest, with moths circling around his head. He looked like a little streetlight on a warm summer’s night.
‘Are you laughing, Ritcho?’ he growled.
‘No,’ I said. ‘Of course not. Haven’t I kept your secret all these years? Aren’t I your best mate? Would I laugh? Would I?’
I tried to choke back my chuckles. Every time he opened his mouth a bright yellow light flickered out from behind his lips.
‘I told you to bring a torch,’ he said.
‘We don’t need one when we’ve got you,’ I answered.
Suddenly a moth flew into his mouth and he began to splutter and cough. I just couldn’t help letting out a laugh.
‘Right,’ said Lennie. ‘You’ve had it.’ He snapped his mouth closed and shut off the light. The forest was black and quiet. I couldn’t see a thing.
‘Where are ya, Lighthouse?’ I said.
I soon found out. Lennie grabbed me around the neck from behind and pulled me down to the ground. We rolled and struggled and wrestled on the damp grass. It was a sort of half-serious fight. Half meaning it and half fun.
‘Don’t call me Lighthouse,’ he growled from behind his flashing teeth.
I managed to roll him over and shoved his arm up behind his back.
‘I’ve called you Lighthouse for years,’ I said.
Lennie spat out some dirt. ‘Yeah, but one day someone is going to find out why.’
‘Nah,’ I said, easing up on my grip. ‘Not as long as you keep your mouth shut.’
I started to laugh again. It was a good joke. Quick as a flash Lennie squirmed around and was on top of me. He sat on my chest and pinned my elbows down with his knees.
‘Promise,’ he said.
‘No way, Lighthouse,’ I said. ‘I can’t change. And neither can you. Face it. You’re the only person in the world who has teeth that shine in the dark.’
‘Right,’ said Lennie. ‘You asked for it.’
He put his face down close to mine and bared his bright, bright teeth. The strong ray of light glared right into my pupils. I shut my eyes but the beam was so strong I could see it through my eyelids. It was like looking into the sun.
‘Torture,’ I yelled. ‘That’s not fair.’
‘Promise,’ he grunted, ‘not to call me Lighthouse ever again.’
‘Okay, okay,’ I yelled. ‘Just let me up.’
We both scrambled to our feet.
‘Let’s go,’ I said. ‘The fish have gone off the bite.’ We walked over to the river and wound in our fishing lines. I didn’t think I should ask Lennie to catch any more moths for bait. Not that night anyway.
We walked silently towards home. Lennie lived with me and my gran. We were more like brothers than
mates. He could take a joke so I decided to stir him up a bit more.
‘Hey, Lighthouse,’ I said. ‘I had my fingers crossed when I made that promise. So it doesn’t count.’
‘You ratbag,’ he yelled.
We laughed like crazy devils as he chased me through the inky bush towards home.
2
I should probably start at the beginning. And tell you the whole story about Lennie. Some of it I know because I was there. But the early bit I heard from a nurse many years later. She knew Lennie when he first showed up at the babies’ home. This was some time ago. In the days when they still had orphanages.
It was late at night and all was quiet. Ten little babies were fast asleep in their cots. There were only two people looking after them. A nurse with kind eyes and a very wise matron.
‘What’s that?’ said the nurse, peering out into the darkness. ‘I can see something down by the gate.’
‘And I think I know what it is,’ said Matron.
The nurse went outside. A few minutes later she came back pushing a pram.
Matron pulled back the blankets and peered inside. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Isn’t she beautiful?’
‘I think it’s a boy,’ said the nurse. ‘Can’t be more than a day old.’
‘Look, there’s something else,’ said Matron. She pulled out the wooden figure of a carved monkey. It was about as big as a milk carton and highly polished. The monkey had a mischievous expression on its face. Matron turned it upside down. On the bottom were written two words, For Lennie.
‘Well, we know what to call him,’ said Matron. ‘But I guess we’ll never find out who the mother is.’
The nurse took the monkey and felt over it with her fingers. ‘I’ve seen one of these before,’ she said. ‘I think they have secret drawers to hide things in.’ She looked and looked but found nothing. ‘No,’ she said. ‘I must have been mistaken.’
Just then the baby began to whimper.
‘He’s hungry,’ said Matron. She rushed off to warm up a bottle of baby’s milk. Lennie opened his eyes.
Matron hurried back and pushed the teat between Lennie’s lips. He sucked away happily at the milk. Soon there was none left. Matron began to gently pull the teat out of his mouth.
Chomp.
‘Aagh,’ screamed Matron. She jumped backwards and fell off her chair.
‘What?’ yelled the nurse.
‘He’s bitten off the teat.’ She held up the bottle and the nurse gasped. The tip of the rubber teat had been completely sliced off. Little Lennie spat out a chewy bit of rubber and the tip of the teat bounced across the floor.
Lennie began to cry. They both stared at him in amazement.
‘It can’t be,’ said Matron.
‘He’s only a day old,’ said the nurse. ‘And he’s got … he’s got …’
‘Teeth,’ yelled Matron. ‘Whopping big teeth. In all my years as a nurse I have never seen a newborn baby with teeth that size.’
3
Well, everybody in the babies’ home loved Lennie. The nurses thought he was a bit strange with his huge teeth. They seemed to be too big for his mouth. And what with his small baby’s head he looked a little bit like a horse when he laughed.
And he laughed a fair bit.
Until adoption time.
People who wanted to adopt new babies would come to the babies’ home. And check out all the tiny tots to see if they liked them.
The first people to come pulled up in a really flash car.
‘We want a lovely baby,’ said the woman with a cold smile.
‘All our babies are lovely,’ said the nurse.
Little Lennie smiled.
‘Oh,’ said the woman staring into the bassinet in shock. ‘Look at those huge teeth. He’ll never do. What else have you got?’
‘Nothing,’ said Matron. ‘I don’t think any of our babies would suit you.’
After that Lennie seemed to take a dislike to everyone who came in to adopt a baby. It was like his feelings were hurt.
There was the butcher’s wife. She tickled Lennie under the chin.
‘Cootchie coo, cootchie coo,’ she said.
Suddenly she screamed out.
‘Ow.’
Lennie had bitten her finger. Hard. She and her husband moved on without a word.
After that, people were warned to keep their hands out of Lennie’s cot.
Time after time people would look at Lennie. Some wanted to take him home. Until he opened his mouth and showed those huge, huge teeth.
One young couple, a pilot and her husband, actually took Lennie home, even though he didn’t seem to like them very much. They brought him back the next morning.
‘Look,’ said the pilot. ‘He’s totally wrecked it.’
Everyone stared down at the cane bassinet. Lennie had ripped it to pieces with his giant teeth.
‘His teeth will seem smaller as his head grows,’ said Matron. ‘Give him another chance.’
‘No way,’ said the pilot’s husband. ‘We don’t want Jack the Ripper.’
From then on Lennie rejected every person who wanted to adopt him. He chewed up dummies and spat them out. He chomped on wooden toys until only splinters were left. He bared his teeth and growled. He ripped blankets to shreds. He snapped like a dog at every person who came to look at him. The only toy he didn’t bite was the wooden monkey.
He loved Matron. And he loved the nurse. But he could tell when people thought he was strange. And he gave them a hard time.
In the end he was three years old and still in the babies’ home. No one had adopted him.
‘It will be too late soon,’ said Matron. ‘Most people want newborn babies.’
Then one day Matron brought Alan and Shirley Dobson to see Lennie. ‘I think we might have found the right parents,’ she said happily. The nurse looked up and grinned.
She went and fetched Lennie and led him into the room by the hand. He looked at Shirley and gave a low growl, showing his teeth. Then he stared at Alan and gave an enormous grin.
‘He’s lovely,’ said Alan. ‘Just what we wanted.’ He was peering down at little Lennie with a big smile. And an even bigger set of teeth. They were enormous. They were gigantic. The biggest teeth in the world.
Lennie opened his arms and tottered towards Alan. Then he stared lovingly at Shirley. She had normal teeth. But anyone could see that she loved Lennie already.
‘Lubbly Lady,’ said little Lennie. He had found some new parents at last.
He was adopted.
4
Lennie came to live on a farm next to me and Gran. It was way up in the mountains, miles from anywhere. There were no other neighbours, just the two farms. Actually, you could hardly call ours a farm. We had one cow and two pet sheep. Which was just as well because Gran had to get around on a walking frame and I had to do all the jobs.
The Dobsons were our neighbours. So Lennie and I grew up together. Sometimes he would stay the night. Or I would go over to his place. We were great mates. We made tree-huts, chased the sheep and went exploring.
Then, when we were both about five years old and ready to go to school, something happened. Something strange. Shirley and Alan said I wasn’t allowed to see Lennie at night. Even worse, they wouldn’t let him come and sleep over with me. Lennie had to stay inside after dark.
In the evenings I would sit looking sadly down the hill to his place. I used to love those sleep-overs. Sometimes, when the Dobsons’ house was dark, I would see a strange yellow light flickering behind the curtains.
Lennie and I both started school in the same year. Every day at half-past seven we waited for the school bus down by Gran’s gate. It was forty kilometres to the school in Bairnsdale.
‘Why can’t ya come out after dark, Lennie?’ I used to ask.
‘Not allowed to say,’ said Lennie.
That’s how it went on for years and years. Until we were both eleven years old. Poor old Lennie. We could muck around all we liked in the day, but
at night he always had to be home. He wasn’t allowed to have much fun at all. He never went on school camps. For some reason he couldn’t even go to the movies in Bairnsdale.
During the day everything was okay. We could run around the bush. Build our tree-huts. Fish. Muck around. But never after dark.
Then it happened. Lennie decided to tell me his secret.
‘Leave your window open tonight, Ritcho,’ he said. ‘I’m coming over.’
I sat up waiting and waiting. No Lennie. Not a sign of him. I lay on the bed reading a book but I couldn’t concentrate. Finally, around about midnight, Lennie climbed through the window.
‘Well?’ I said.
‘I’m going to tell you a secret,’ he said. ‘But you have to promise never to tell anyone. Never.’
‘You know me, mate,’ I said. ‘Would I let you down?’
He looked at me for quite a while. Then he said, ‘Get a load of this.’
He walked over to the door and turned off the light.
All was dark.
‘So?’ I said.
Lennie suddenly opened his mouth. A huge beam of light flared out. His teeth shone like the headlights of a string of cars in a leaking tunnel. My eyes widened with shock. Then I started to laugh. I just couldn’t help myself. It was so funny. Teeth that shone in the dark. I fell onto the bed shaking with laughter. I grabbed my sides, trying to stop the ache.
‘It’s not funny,’ said Lennie.
I wiped away the tears and managed to control myself. ‘What’s happened to ya?’ I yelled. ‘Luminous toothpaste? Glowing paint? What, what, what?’
‘Nah. Nothing like that,’ said Lennie.
The room danced with shadows as he spoke. It was like being in a disco where flickering lights spatter the dancers with crazy colours. Weird.
‘What then?’ I squealed.
‘They just grew,’ said Lennie. ‘When my first teeth fell out, the new ones glowed in the dark. Mum and Dad say I have to keep it a secret. They don’t want anyone to know.’
I sat on the bed just thinking for a bit. I had to be careful what I said. Not too serious, not too light-hearted. I wanted to make him feel good.
Finally I said, ‘I wish I had them.’
‘You’re crazy,’ he said.
‘No,’ I said. ‘Think about it. You could be famous. You could make big money. Be on TV. In the papers. You could go on the stage. There’s big bucks in it. I can just see it. Lennie the Lighthouse, the man with the magic mouth.’