Paul Jenning's Weirdest Stories

by Paul Jennings

  Jarrod stopped and picked up the shining box.

  ‘Give that back,’ Sally yelled through the pain. She could feel a tear trying to escape and desperately tried to hold it back.

  The boy just stood there gloating with his eyes. Then he shoved the box into his pocket. ‘I knew you couldn’t stand the pace,’ he said. ‘What a woman.’

  He turned and trotted away.

  ‘My box,’ shrieked Sally. ‘Give it back.’

  But the only answer was a laugh that followed Jarrod around a tree and out of sight.

  6

  Sally managed to stand. But the pain in her ankle was terrible. She started to hobble on. All the boys passed her. Every one.

  By the time she got back they were all waiting at the finish line. Drinking from cans and fooling around. ‘Sally-What-A-Woman is last again,’ yelled Jarrod.

  ‘Weak.’

  ‘Pathetic.’

  The insults came thick and fast until Mr Rickets put a stop to it. ‘Sally has done well for a girl,’ he said.

  Sally winced at his words. Oh, how she wanted to show those males. They thought they were so tough. All of them. She felt a blind fury rising up inside her. A black cloud of anger misted her eyes.

  ‘He stole my box,’ she yelled.

  ‘I only carried it back for her,’ lied Jarrod. ‘After she pretended to fall over. She is so weak.’

  More than anything in the world Sally wanted to show those boys that she wasn’t weak. Just once. But her luck seemed to have run out. If only she could get her box back.

  Jarrod started to fiddle around with the letters on top of the box. Suddenly the letter S moved.

  And a little lid sprang up.

  Everyone crowded over to look. Jarrod peered inside. ‘There’s something ins–’ he started to say.

  He never finished his sentence. He went pale in the face. His skin turned sweaty. He looked as if he was going to faint. His mouth opened and closed like a goldfish. And then he did faint. Out like a light.

  All the boys crowded round the box where it had dropped onto the grass. One by one they turned pale. And collapsed.

  Mr Rickets ran over. He grabbed the box, turned grey, and staggered a few steps. Then he fainted too.

  Sally ran over and picked up the box. She peered inside. She stared at the males – all unconscious on the grass. Every one of them had fainted. Mr Rickets lay there with his eyes rolled back. They all looked so ridiculous.

  Suddenly Sally didn’t care about the race. Or coming first. Or being the only girl in the school.

  She smiled to herself. Never again would anyone at this school say to her, ‘What a woman’ in quite the same way.

  And in that moment she knew that toughness had nothing to do with muscles. And winning had nothing to do with luck.

  She put one foot on Jarrod Olsen’s chest. ‘What a bunch of weakies,’ she said to herself. ‘Anyone would think they had never seen a toe before.’

  The question is: did the girl kill her own father? Some say yes and some say no.

  Linda doesn’t look like a murderess.

  She walks calmly up the steps of the high school stage. She shakes the mayor’s hand and receives her award. Top of the school. She moves over to the microphone to make her speech of acceptance. She is seventeen, beautiful and in love. Her words are delicate, musical crystals falling upon receptive ears. The crowd rewards her clarity with loud applause but it passes her by. She is seeking a face among the visitors in the front row. She finds what she is looking for and her eyes meet those of a young man. They both smile.

  He knows the answer.

  1

  ‘It’s finally finished,’ said Doctor Scrape. ‘After fourteen years of research it is finished.’ He tapped the thick manuscript on the table. ‘And you, Ralph, will be the first to see the results.’

  They were sitting in the lounge watching the sun lower itself once more into the grave of another day.

  Ralph didn’t seem quite sure what to say. He was unsure of himself. In the end he came out with, ‘Fourteen years is a lot of work. What’s it all about?’

  Dr Scrape stroked his pointed little beard and leaned across the coffee table. ‘Tell me,’ he said, ‘as a layman, how did you learn to speak? How did you learn the words and grammar of the English language?’

  ‘Give us a go,’ said Ralph good naturedly. ‘I haven’t had an education like you. I haven’t been to university. I didn’t even finish high school. I don’t know about stuff like that. You’re the one with all the brains. You tell me. How did I learn to speak?’

  When Ralph said, ‘You’re the one with all the brains,’ Dr Scrape smiled to himself and nodded wisely. ‘Have a guess then,’ he insisted.

  ‘My mother. My mother taught me to talk.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘My father then.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then who?’ asked Ralph with a tinge of annoyance.

  ‘Nobody taught you,’ exclaimed Dr Scrape. ‘Nobody teaches children to talk. They just learn it by listening. If the baby is in China it will learn Chinese because that’s what it hears. If you get a new-born Chinese baby and bring it here it will learn to speak English not Chinese. Just by listening to those around it.’

  ‘What’s that got to do with your re–?’ began Ralph.

  But he stopped. Dr Scrape’s daughter entered the room with a tray. She was a delicate, pale girl of about fourteen. Her face reminded Ralph of a porcelain doll. He was struck by both her beauty and her shyness.

  ‘This is my daughter, Linda,’ said Dr Scrape with a flourish.

  ‘G’day,’ said Ralph awkwardly.

  ‘And this is Mr Pickering.’

  She made no reply at first but simply stood there staring at him as if he were a creature from another planet. He felt like some exotic animal in the zoo which was of total fascination to someone on the other side of the bars.

  Dr Scrape frowned and the girl suddenly remembered her manners.

  ‘How do you do?’ she said awkwardly. ‘Would you like some coffee?’

  ‘Thanks a lot,’ said Ralph.

  ‘White or black?’

  ‘Black, thanks.’

  Linda raised an eyebrow at her father. ‘The usual for me,’ he said with a smirk. Ralph Pickering watched as Linda poured two cups of tea and put milk into both of them. She looked up, smiled and handed him one of the cups.

  ‘Thanks a lot,’ he said again.

  ‘Salt?’ she asked, proffering a bowl filled with white crystals.

  Ralph looked at the bowl with a red face. He felt uncomfortable in this elegant house. He didn’t know the right way to act. He didn’t have the right manners. He didn’t know why he had been asked in for a cup of coffee. He was just the apprentice plumber here to fix the drains. He looked down at his grubby overalls and mud-encrusted shoes.

  ‘Er, eh?’ said Ralph.

  ‘Salt?’ she asked again, holding out the bowl.

  Ralph shook his head with embarrassment. Did they really have salt in their tea? He sipped from the delicate china cup. He liked coffee, black and with sugar, in a nice big mug. Somehow he had ended up with white tea, no sugar and a fragile cup which rattled in his big hands.

  He had the feeling, though, that Linda had not meant to embarrass him. If there was any malevolence it came from Dr Scrape who was grinning hugely at Ralph’s discomfort.

  Ralph Pickering scratched his head with his broken fingernails.

  The young girl looked at her watch. ‘Will you be staying for breakfast?’ she asked Ralph kindly. ‘We are having roast pork. It’s nearly washed.’

  ‘N, n, no thanks,’ he stumbled. ‘My mum is expecting me home for tea. I couldn’t stay the night.’ He noticed a puzzled expression on her face and she shook her head as if not quite understanding him. The oddest feeling came over him that she thought he was a bit mad.

  Ralph moved as if to stand up.

  ‘Don’t go yet,’ said Dr Scrape. ‘I haven’t finis
hed telling you about my research. Although you have already seen some of it.’ He nodded towards his daughter who had gone into the kitchen and could be heard preparing the pork for the evening meal. ‘Now where were we?’ he went on. ‘Ah yes. About learning to speak. So you see, my dear boy, we learn to speak just from hearing those around us talking.’ He was waving his hands around as if delivering a lecture to a large audience. His eyes lit up with excitement. ‘But ask yourself this. What if a child was born and never heard anyone speak except on the television? Never ever saw a real human being, only the television? Would the television do just as well as live people? Could they learn to talk then?’

  He paused, not really expecting Ralph to say anything. Then he answered his own question. ‘No one knows,’ he exclaimed, thrusting a finger into the air. ‘It’s never been done.’

  ‘It would be cruel,’ said Ralph, suddenly forgetting his shyness. ‘You couldn’t bring up a child who had never heard anyone speak. It’d be a dirty trick. That’s why it’s never been done.’

  ‘Right,’ yelled Dr Scrape. His little beard was waggling away as he spoke. ‘So I did the next best thing. I never let her hear anybody speak except me.’ He nodded towards the kitchen.

  ‘You mean …’ began Ralph.

  ‘Yes, yes. Linda. My daughter. She has never heard anyone in the world speak except me. You are the first person apart from me she has ever spoken to.’

  ‘You mean she has never been to school?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Or kindergarten?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Or shopping or to the beach?’

  ‘No, she’s never been out of this house.’

  ‘But why?’ asked Ralph angrily. ‘What for?’

  ‘It’s an experiment, boy. She has learned a lot of words incorrectly. Just by listening to me use the wrong words. All without a single lesson. I call “up” “down” and “down” “up”. I call “sugar” “salt”. “Yes” is “no” and “no” is “yes”. It’s been going on ever since she was a baby. I have taught her thousands of words incorrectly. She thinks that room in there is called the laundry,’ he yelled, pointing to the kitchen. ‘I have let her watch television every day and all day but it makes no difference. She can’t get it right.’

  He picked up a spoon and chuckled. ‘She calls this a carpet. And this,’ he said, holding up a fork, ‘she calls a chicken. Even when she sees a chicken on television she doesn’t wake up. She doesn’t change. She doesn’t notice it. It proves my hypothesis: point that is,’ he added for the benefit of Ralph whom he considered to be an idiot. ‘So you see, I have made a big breakthrough. I have proved that humans can’t learn to speak properly from listening to television. Real people are needed.’

  ‘You know something,’ said Ralph slowly. ‘If this is true, if you have really taught the poor kid all the wrong words …’

  Dr Scrape interrupted. ‘Of course it’s true. Of course it’s true.’ He took out a worn exercise book and flipped over the pages. ‘Here they are. Over two thousand words – all learned incorrectly. Usually the opposites. Whenever I talk with Linda I use these words. She doesn’t know the difference. Dog is cat, tree is lamp post, ant is elephant and just for fun girl is boy – she calls herself a boy although of course she knows she is the opposite sex to you. She would call you a girl.’ He gave a low, devilish laugh.

  Ralph’s anger had completely swamped his shyness and his feeling of awkwardness caused by the splendour of the mansion. ‘You are a dirty mongrel,’ he said quietly. ‘The poor thing has never met another person but you – and what a low specimen you are. And you’ve mixed her all up. How is she going to get on in the real world?’

  ‘You mean in on the real world, not on in the real world,’ he smirked. Then he began to laugh. He thought it was a great joke. ‘You’ll have to get used to it,’ he said. ‘When you talk to her you’ll have to get used to everything being back to front.’

  ‘What’s it got to do with me?’

  ‘Why, I want you to try her out. Talk to her. See how she goes. Before I give my paper and show her to the world I want to make sure that it lasts. That she won’t break down and start speaking correctly with strangers. I want you to be the first test. I want a common working man … boy,’ he corrected. ‘One who can’t pull any linguistic tricks.’

  ‘Leave me out of it,’ said Ralph forcefully. ‘I don’t want any part of it. It’s cruel and, and,’ he searched around for a word. ‘Rotten,’ he spat out.

  Scrape grabbed his arm and spun him around. He was dribbling with false sincerity. ‘But if you really care, if you really care about her you will try to help. Go on,’ he said, pushing Ralph towards the kitchen. ‘Tell her what a despicable creature I am. Tell her the difference between salt and sugar. Set her straight. That’s the least you can do. Or don’t you care at all?’ he narrowed his eyes.

  Ralph pushed him off and strode towards the kitchen. Then he stopped and addressed Scrape who had been following enthusiastically. ‘You don’t come then. I talk to her alone. Just me and her.’

  The little man stroked his beard thoughtfully. ‘A good idea,’ he said finally. ‘A good idea. They will want an independent trial. They might think I am signalling her. A good thought, boy. But I will be close by. I will be in here, in the library. She calls it the toilet,’ he added gleefully. Then he burst into a sleazy cackle.

  Ralph gave him a look of disgust and then turned and pushed into the kitchen.

  Linda turned around from where she was washing the dishes and took several steps backwards. Her face was even paler than before. Ralph understood now that she was frightened of him. Finally, however, she summoned up her courage and stepped forward, holding out her hand. ‘Goodbye,’ she said in a shaking voice.

  ‘Goodbye?’ queried Ralph. ‘You want me to go?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, shaking her head as she spoke.

  Ralph took her outstretched hand and shook it. It was not a handshake that said goodbye. It was warm and welcoming.

  ‘Is this really the first time you have been alone with another person other than him?’ asked Ralph, nodding towards the library.

  ‘Don’t call him a person,’ she said with a hint of annoyance. ‘We don’t let persons in the laundry. Only animals are allowed here. The cats have kennels in the river.’

  ‘You’ve got everything back to front,’ said Ralph incredulously. ‘All your words are mixed up.’

  ‘Front to back,’ she corrected, staring at him with a puzzled face. ‘And you are the one with everything mixed down. You talk strangely. Are you drunk? I have heard that women behave strangely when they are drunk.’

  Ralph’s head began to spin. He couldn’t take it all in. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He remembered Dr Scrape’s words, Dog is cat, tree is lamp post, ant is elephant, and just for fun, boy is girl.’ Linda was looking at him as if he was mad. He walked over to the sink and picked up a fork. ‘What’s this?’ he said, waving it around excitedly.

  ‘A chicken, of course,’ she answered. Ralph could see by her look that she thought he was the one with the crazy speech.

  ‘And what lays eggs and goes cluck, cluck?’ He flapped his arms like wings as he said it.

  The girl smiled with amusement. ‘A fork. Haven’t you ever seen a fork scratching for bananas?’

  Ralph hung his head in his hands. ‘Oh no,’ he groaned. ‘The swine has really mucked you up. You have got everything back to front – front to back. They don’t dig for bananas. They dig for worms.’ He stared at her with pity-filled eyes. She was completely confused. She was also the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He bit his knuckles and thought over the situation carefully. ‘Man’ was ‘woman’. ‘Boy’ was ‘girl’. ‘Ceiling’ was ‘floor’. But some words were right. ‘Him’ and ‘her’ were both correct. Suddenly he turned and ran from the room. He returned a second later holding Dr Scrape’s exercise book. He flicked wildly through the pages, groaning and shaking his head as he read
.

  The girl looked frightened. She held her head up like a deer sniffing the wind. ‘That glass must not be read,’ she whispered, looking nervously towards the library. ‘None of the glasses in the toilet can be read either.’

  He ignored her fear. ‘Now,’ he said to himself ‘Let’s try again.’ He held the exercise book open in one hand for reference. Then he said slowly, ‘Have you ever spoken to a girl like me before?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Linda shaking her head.

  Ralph sighed and then tried again. He held up the fork. ‘Is this a chicken?’

  ‘No,’ she said nodding her head. Ralph could see that she was regarding him with a mixture of fear, amusement and, yes, he would say, affection. Despite her bewilderment over what she considered to be his strange speech, she liked him.

  Suddenly the enormity of the crime that had been worked on this girl overwhelmed Ralph. He was filled with anger and pity. And disgust with Dr Scrape. Linda had never been to school. Never spoken to another person. Never been to the movies or a disco. For fourteen years she had spoken only to that monster Scrape. She had been a prisoner in this house. She had never been touched by another person … never been kissed.

  Their eyes met for an instant but the exchange was put to flight by the sound of coughing coming from the library.

  ‘Quick,’ said Ralph. ‘There isn’t much time. I want you to nod for “yes” and shake your head for “no” – drat, I mean the other way around.’ He consulted the exercise book. ‘I mean nod your head for “no” and shake your head for “yes”.’ He looked again at the book. The words were alphabetically listed. He couldn’t be sure that she understood. What if the word for head was foot? Or the word for shake was dance, or something worse?

  Linda paused and then nodded.

  He tried again. ‘Have you ever spoken to another animal except him?’ he said, jerking a contemptuous thumb in the direction of the library.

  She shook her head sadly. It was true then. Scrape’s story was true.

  ‘Would you like to?’ he asked slowly, after finding that ‘like’ was not listed in the book.