by Mary Wood
‘Bert Armitage, you can go and fish! I’ll not wed you so as I can be your skivvy. If I do say as I’ll wed you, then you can clean up the cottage before I step foot in it.’
‘Oh! So it’s a possibility, then?’
‘I told you. I’m thinking on.’
‘You liked it when I kissed you, though, so that says sommat.’
‘Aye, I’ve feeling towards you.’
‘Do you love me, Megan?’
The question shocked her. He’d never spoken of loving. She had only one way of dealing with it. ‘Do you love me, Bert?’
He was quiet for a moment, then looked into her eyes and said, ‘Aye, I do, Megan. I have done for a while.’
‘I – I’m thinking me feeling for you is love. I think of you a lot and I – yes, I think I do love you, Bert.’ And she knew she did. Not the searing, painful kind of love she had for Jack, but what she felt was a love of sorts. She wasn’t cheating him by saying it, and she’d liked the feeling when he’d kissed her. Maybe they’d go along all right together. If only she could keep her feeling for Jack where it was – deep inside of her – and if she could live without her dream.
‘Well, I’m glad to hear it. But, thou knows, I’ve no give in me, on how I want it to be. If I take you on, you’re to be a proper wife and no less.’
‘I told you, that’s what I’ve to think on. And I need time. I’ll give you me answer when I come home next, I promise.’
‘Aye, well, I might have taken up with someone else by then.’
‘You can if you like. It won’t hurt me none!’
His move was quick. He took hold of her arm and pulled her to him, his fingers bruising her flesh. His eyes were dark, deeply dark, and his body shook. A fear trembled through her, then he loosened his grip and smiled down at her.
Confusion clouded her; she couldn’t figure out what had happened as his mouth came crushing down on hers. He sucked her lips into his mouth and held her so close she could feel every part of him, even – oh God! Sensations she couldn’t control rushed through her body. She knew if he tried to go further again, she’d not want to stop him. Was this love? Was this enough? Could she give up her dream for it?
18
Unwelcome Feelings
Jack finished brushing the hindquarters of the grey mare he’d been grooming. ‘There you go, Karinda-lass. You’re more than ready for your sire.’
‘She is looking rather well, Fellam. I think Charing-lad will be a good match for her. You know he sired Finny-boy, the best runner on the flats there has ever been, don’t you? I’m hoping he and Karinda can produce something just as special.’
Jack hadn’t noticed Mrs Harvey coming into the stable. He felt unnerved, and wondered how long she’d been watching him. He nodded and touched his cap. She came closer and took the horse’s rein from him. Stroking its mane, she spoke softly to the horse, ‘Good girl. You know I’m relying on you, don’t you?’
Karinda shook her mane and whinnied. ‘Ha! She understands everything I say to her.’ Handing him back the rein, she surprised him by abruptly changing the subject. ‘How are your wedding plans going, Fellam? Has Henry cleared out the barn for you yet?’
‘He was working on it this morning, Ma’am. I think he’ll have it ready in time. He tells me it’s a job he’s done on many occasions, and as Cook dresses it up reet nice.’
‘She does. I’ve always been amazed at how it looks when she and the others have decorated it. They have different garlands and drapes and cushions for each occasion, all hand-made. They work magic on what is, after all, just a barn with bales of hay around it. And besides that, they bake for days, making delicious pies and cakes. I hope you have a really good time and everything goes well for you.’
‘Thank you, Ma’am. I’m sure as it will. And I’m grateful for all as you’ve done for me and Ciss.’
‘Not at all! It’s a tradition. Mr Harvey’s father started it. All the wedding receptions of the farm and household workers are held in the barn, and the spring and autumn barn dances and summer fete. Though we haven’t had any of those since . . . Anyway, your wedding will get us going once more. It’s about time there was music and celebrations on the estate again.’
To hide the embarrassment of the nearness of her, Jack fiddled with the horse’s rein. Laura Harvey had made him feel uncomfortable a few times of late, standing too close and even touching his arm on occasions.
Her jacket brushed him. There was nowhere he could move to.
‘And did you know, Fellam, there is also a tradition around these parts that the mistress of the house has the first dance with the bridegroom?’
She was laughing at him. She knew he felt uncomfortable. The opening of the stable door saved the moment, as her attention was drawn elsewhere. ‘Ah, Ardbuckle. Keep Charing-lad out there. It is too confined in here. If he has a problem mounting her, he could end up hurting both himself and Karinda. Take Karinda outside, Fellam.’
With this she’d moved away, and he could breathe again. He caught Gary’s eye, and saw the usual teasing grin and knowing raise of the eyebrow. Gary hadn’t missed Laura Harvey’s obvious fancy for him, and used the fact to have a laugh at his expense. He thought about what had been said and hoped to God he was right in thinking she was only teasing about the dance. He knew it was tradition for the gentry of the manor to come to the wedding do, but only for half an hour or so and not to join in – she wouldn’t change that, would she?
Concentrating on helping Charing-lad mount Karinda eased Jack’s mind as he gave his attention to what could be a tricky task. As a rule, the job didn’t take long once the stallion was inside the mare, but the eagerness and anticipation of the horse to achieve this could overexcite him and waste the sperm. Guiding and helping him was a business that allowed no time for chatter or to think of anything else until the job was done. The first experience he’d had in this stables had been a source of embarrassment to him. He’d found it unusual to have a female boss as it was, but to have her around and helping with this particular task had unnerved him. It had been her matter-of-fact way of tackling it that had helped him to get used to it.
‘Well, let’s hope she takes. Ardbuckle, get Charing-lad into the box and take him back to Smythe’s. We don’t want him trying again. Smythe’s may have another filly lined up for him later today. Well done, both of you.’
As she walked away, Gary winked at Jack and said in a low voice, ‘She were forgetting who were to mount who, I reckon, Jack. I’d say you’re in with a chance there.’
‘Don’t talk like that, Gary! I’ll have none of it. Get about your business!’
It wasn’t how he usually took Gary’s teasing, and the lad looked taken aback, but the anger inside of him – not at the lad, as he had meant nothing more than to have a bit of banter, but at Laura Harvey – had sharpened his tongue. She’d no right putting him in such a position. She was his boss and was taking advantage of the fact. It wasn’t unknown, he knew that. Such things went on, but even though she was a beauty, he wanted none of it. Besides, she knew he was to be wed soon.
He thought about Cissy. He had a need in him, and he knew this was letting Laura Harvey get under his skin. And with the wedding only days away, his anticipation made his need more intense. He couldn’t wait to make Cissy his wife. He’d cope better with how Laura Harvey acted around him then, and when she saw she wasn’t having an effect on him, she’d be more likely to back off. Well, he hoped so . . .
‘Eeh, Megan. I can’t believe it! Ten days. Only ten days!’
‘Aye, I know, and if you say it once more, I’ll not finish your gown for you.’
‘What’s wrong, Megan? Every time I mention me wedding you sound like you don’t want to hear of it.’
‘I’m sorry, love. I’m just worrying. Everything is going to be different.’
‘Aye, that part does spoil me happiness some, but . . .’
‘No, I’m being selfish. Of course things change. They have to. I’ll be re
et. I’ll see you every few weeks and I’ll get used to it. I will.’
‘You haven’t thought on saying yes to Bert, then?’
‘No, I haven’t me mind straight on Bert as yet. I’ve a feeling in me for him, but anyroad, as I said, I’ll be reet. I’ll stay on here a while and keep on with me saving and see how things go.’
‘Bert’s not for waiting for you, thou knows. I told you afore about that Lillian Cole. Well, it seems me mam’s seen them together a couple of times and they weren’t just talking, neither! Mind, Lilly would have done all the running.’
‘Well, if he finds someone else, he does. I won’t cry over it.’
‘Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t want you missing out. That’s the only reason I tell you. That Lilly’s a pest where men are concerned. She’s had a go at getting Gary Ardbuckle from Jenny afore now. Mam says Jenny moved that quick when she realized, and now she and Gary are to get engaged. She says as Gert’s over the moon, now it’s all settled. And Gert’s for living with them an’ all. Not like me mam. I wish me mam’d think on. I don’t want her living so far away.’
‘It’s only York. It’s no different to you being here and her in Breckton!’ The sharpness of her tone made Megan feel ashamed, so she changed it to jokiness. ‘It’s a good position she has with them priests, thou knows, Ciss. It’ll suit her, looking after three men. By, she’ll knock them into shape, if I know Issy.’
‘Aye, you’re reet there. But why doesn’t she want to stop with me and Jack?’
‘She’s told you. She thinks as you’ll have a better start without her, and I think she’s right. If she stays on, she’s afraid as any advice she gives could come to be looked on as her interfering. And that could lead to a bad feeling. Anyroad, she’s looking forward to the change, and she’ll have every third weekend off and come and stay with you. And I reckon as that’ll be plenty!’
‘Oh, Megan! What a thing to say, even if you are right.’
‘Aye, I know. She’d skin me if she heard!’
They giggled at this and Megan felt better. She’d covered up her surliness and hadn’t given away the reason for it. She gave her attention back to her work, but her thoughts didn’t rest and she didn’t feel better in them.
Her mind went to the wedding gown. Madame had allowed her to work on the making of it in the evenings after they had finished here. She’d also let her use the workrooms and the machines. She’d only to finish the bow at the back, and then every painful stitch would be done. Though she’d still to get on with her own frock! She couldn’t bear to think about it, nor how it would be to be in the position of bridesmaid and have to watch Jack promise to love and honour Cissy for the rest of his life! Oh, Jack. Would she ever get rid of this feeling she had for him? This longing, this . . . ‘Oh, damn!’
‘Megan Tattler! Was that you swearing? Oh, what . . . ? You’re crying! Megan, what is it?’
‘No, no, I’m not. I – it were the giggling, Ciss, honest. It made me eyes water, then because I couldn’t see proper, I stuck meself with me needle.’
‘Was it me going on about Bert?’
‘Well, aye, it were a bit of that,’ she lied. ‘I were shocked to hear as he’d taken up with someone. He said as he’d give me some time to think about it. Oh, I don’t know. I’m in a reet tizzy inside. I just don’t know what to do. Everything is settled for you, Ciss, and I’m glad, I am, but I just don’t know how things will work out for me. If I go for Bert – that’s if he still wants me – he’s made it clear as I’m to go on his terms. He’s a proud man. He talks of me stopping at home and having young ’uns and him providing for us.’
‘That’s been worrying me an’ all, Megan. Thou knows – well, having young ’uns – I don’t know exactly what happens . . .’
A dread settled in Megan. She knew, of course, what Cissy was referring to, but the last thing she wanted to talk about was her and Jack coming together. Not in that way, she didn’t. ‘Is that what’s behind you not wanting your mam to go?’
‘Aye, some.’
‘Hasn’t Jack tried owt on?’ Oh God! I don’t want to know!
‘Aye, he’s – thou knows – touched me, but . . .’
‘It’ll be reet, love, don’t worry. Jack’ll take care of you. I knows of what happens, but it isn’t easy to tell of and it sounds bad. Mind, Hattie tells me it isn’t. She says if the man loves you, and you love him, then it’s – well, she says it’s wonderful. Though it might hurt a bit first time.’
‘But what is it? Tell me, Megan.’
‘I can’t, love. I haven’t words as’d sound right, but just to say as Jack – well, Jack will put sommat in you. His . . .’
‘Oh! Is that why it – it sort of grows? Only I’ve felt it against me when we kiss and that.’
The agony in Megan increased, and her heart thumped in her throat. What did it feel like to be held by Jack? To feel him wanting more than kisses; to feel him kissing . . . No! She must stop this. She must change the subject before the tears came again. ‘Aye, that’s it, love. Now, talk of sommat else, eh? You’re embarrassing me. I don’t want to know what you get up to. And don’t be telling me after, either. It’s for you and Jack to know, and that’s that!’
Cissy looked red in the face and put her head down, seeming to concentrate on her work. She had a look of rejection about her that caused Megan to feel ashamed again. Cissy needed her, and all she could do was snap at her. It was as if she’d to punish her because Jack had chosen her. And it wasn’t Cissy’s fault. She reached out and took her hand. ‘I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean it. Of course I’ll always be here for you. If it – well, when it happens, if it don’t go right or owt, you can talk to me. I don’t know much, but I can ask Hattie for advice and she’ll help. Now, what you’re best doing is to think on about Jack. That’ll help you to be less worried. Do you think as he’s not going to be careful with you? He will be. And men seem to know how to go on, so he’ll be at teaching you an’ all. Come on now. It’s your wedding you should be looking forward to, not your funeral!’
A sudden clapping of hands made them jump. Madame Marie had come into the workroom and stood looking around at them. She had an air of sadness about her, and the usual stiff way she held herself was gone. Megan felt uneasy and she saw that Cissy did, too.
‘Girls, I have something to say. I’m afraid the garments you are working on are the last. I have to close the business. I—’
‘Close! But . . .’
‘Yes, Miss Tatt— Megan. I’m sorry. I cannot avoid it. I’ll be honest with you all. I just about managed to keep going through the war, largely thanks to how hard you all worked. I thank you for that. But the lean times that followed, and the continuing worry over the predicted recession, is making it impossible for me to continue. I know you are not altogether knowledgeable about current affairs, but things are not good for businesses at the moment, and I am not capable of fighting through a recession. The cutters and pattern-makers have already been given notice earlier today and will be gone by the end of the week. You girls in here will be kept on for a further week. Miss . . . Megan, when you have done the trimming on that frock, you can work on finishing Miss Gr— Cecelia’s wedding gown, and your own gown. I want you to be able to finish them in time. The cutters will help. That’s all I have to say. I’m very sorry.’
She turned and almost ran back into her office.
During the silence that followed, Megan wasn’t sure what part had shocked her more: being told they were all out of work or hearing Madame using her own and Cissy’s first names!
Gradually the chatter started up again. Some in the room seemed happy to be escaping, but Megan wasn’t. With a realization that put a sick feeling in her belly, she knew her choices were gone. She’d only one path that she could follow. Her life had suddenly been mapped out for her and the feeling that this evoked wasn’t welcome.
19
Megan’s Choice
A disappointment settled in Megan as they left the
station, even though she knew she shouldn’t have expected Bert to be there. He’d be in the pub with that Lillian Cole, if he wasn’t on his shift.
‘Are you all right with that box, Ciss?’
‘Aye, Jack should be along. Oh, Megan, I can’t wait for him to see me in me gown! And you look lovely in yours an’ all. How you got them both finished I’ll never know. I’ll not ever be able to thank you enough.’
‘Just make sure as Jack don’t see it before the day! It’s unlucky, that, thou knows.’
‘I’ll not let him. Or more to the point, me mam won’t.’
‘Aye, you’re reet there. She’s got him lodgings at the pub from Thursday, hasn’t she? There’s not a chance you’ll see him after that until you walk up the aisle.’
‘Well, it’ll not be so bad. We’ll be back at work till Friday. Oh, I wish we hadn’t to go back. There doesn’t seem much point now, does there?’
‘No, but it’ll make the time pass and we do have a duty to Madame, so it’s only right that we go back and help her to pack everything up.’
‘What’re you going to do after, Megan? Have you thought about it?’
‘Aye. I’m going to see if Bert’s still for me, and if he isn’t, I’m going to go round the mills and see if I can get set on and get some board and lodgings for meself.’
‘So it’s you as is after me now, is it?’ A gruff male voice interrupted their discussion. ‘Well, I’ve not been for waiting round for thee, thou knows.’
‘Oh, Bert! You made me jump. Sneaking up on me like that!’
He’d no time to retort before Cissy jumped in. ‘Hello, Bert. Have you seen Jack?’
‘Aye, he were just coming down the road. D’you need a hand? I’ll help you.’
‘No, ta. I’ll wait for Jack. Put that box down here with mine, Megan, and leave them to Jack to carry. You go with Bert. I’ll be reet.’