by Mary Wood
Megan’s cottage stood on the road running along the top of the lane where the farm cottages and Issy’s cottage were. I must stop thinking of it as Issy’s; it is Jack and Cissy’s now.
There were no houses opposite, as Megan was on what was termed the front row, and the pub was the only building on the side of the road where the lane emerged. With the hedges cut back as they were at the moment, she had a full view over it and behind the pub, so she could see the comings and goings in the lane. The lane was a nicer place to live than where she was, though she knew she was luckier than those who lived behind her.
The layout gave the impression that the farm labourers were up above the miners. The farm labourers’ cottages were bigger, too, with a parlour and a scullery as well as a back porch covering the coalhouse, and they each had their own closet. They were only joined to one other cottage, whereas the miners’ cottages were in back-to-back rows, with some twenty or so in a row. And, to Megan’s disgust, they had only one closet between two cottages, and that backed onto the one belonging to the row behind. It was a regular thing to be sitting out there and have your neighbour from the back row doing his business in the lav that backed onto yours. Worst of all, they always wanted to carry on a conversation whilst they did it! She knew she’d never get used to it, and always tried to time her visit when there would be no one around to join her.
Keeping the closet clean, she found, was a task that only she took on. Mrs Braithwaite, who lived next door, laughed at her for this, and only yesterday had said, ‘Eeh, lass, it’ll only get dirty again, thou knows. Specially when me man comes home and does his business. You’ll never keep it clean. I should give up, like the rest of us!’ But Megan knew she wouldn’t, as much as it sickened her stomach to scrub and swill it out every day. She’d never give up trying to keep it clean, between the times the cart came and it was emptied.
When she opened the door, there was a look of joy on Cissy’s face. It brightened her out of her thoughts, though of late she wasn’t at her best in the mornings. Not since she’d taken to emptying her belly into the bucket as soon as her feet touched the floor.
‘You look happy, Ciss. Come in, love. I needn’t ask if everything’s all right with you. I can see as it is.’
‘Aye, it is. I’ve missed me bleeding. I think as I’m going to have a babby, Megan! Oh, I’m so happy.’
‘Ha! You won’t be in a week or so, not when you’re reaching for the bucket like me every few minutes!’
‘You mean . . . ? Megan!’
Cissy was round the table and holding her in a hug that felt good – so good that she nearly let the tears come. They’d been needing a release for weeks, but she swallowed them back and tried to hook onto some of Cissy’s happiness.
‘You never said! When . . . I mean, when did you miss yours?’
‘I haven’t seen owt since I were wed and . . . and it were some weeks afore that when I last seen it.’
‘You’ll have tongues wagging if your babby comes early, Megan lass!’ Cissy giggled. ‘You must have caught first off. By, Jack’ll be jealous of Bert. He thinks as he’s the best stud in the town for getting me took so quick.’
‘Ciss! You sound just like your mam. We’ll not be at missing her with you around. If you were in the convent as I were brought up in, you’d have your mouth washed out with soap.’
They both started giggling then, and somehow Megan didn’t feel quite so alone. She and Ciss would go through their pregnancies together.
It wasn’t that Bert didn’t try; he just had no understanding of such things. He’d not ever been around women before and . . . well, it was his way. His temper! He did try to keep it under control, and he was always sorry. Anyroad, it was mostly her fault when he snapped.
‘Is sommat up, Megan?’
‘No. I were in me thoughts, that’s all. We’ll be reet, won’t we, Ciss? We’ll get through it, eh?’
‘What is it, Megan? Is there sommat you’re not telling of? We said as we’d tell each other, and we said as we’d see Hattie if we needed help. Does you need . . . ? God! What’s that on your arm? Megan, I’ve never seen the like of such a big bruise. How did that happen?’
‘It’s nowt. I – I banged meself. I’m always at banging meself. Thou knows how clumsy I am. I were like a pincushion at work.’ She swallowed hard. The tears were going to come. Damn! She couldn’t stop them.
‘Eeh, Megan love.’
She sat down on the fireside chair. Cissy sat on the arm and leaned over her and held her close. Megan could no longer control her sobs as they racked her body.
‘He didn’t mean to. It were me. Thou knows how I get ’is ’eckles up. I’ve always done it. I rub him up the wrong way. I should learn. You told me of it afore, you remember?’
‘Aye, I did, but it doesn’t give him leave to hurt you. It isn’t right, Megan. He can’t have things his own way all the time. You’ve to have your say an’ all.’
‘It’s not just that. I – I’m not much good at . . . well, thou knows.’
‘It probably isn’t your fault, love. He’s the man. He should be patient and be on with teaching you. Jack—’
‘It’s all right. I’ll be reet. Don’t – don’t let’s talk on it. It were only the once. Let’s put kettle on, eh? We should be at celebrating!’
‘Aye. It’ll turn out. How about we do go and see Hattie, though? She’ll have some tips for us. Because though I’m at being happy, I don’t feel as I have it right as yet. I’m still at trying.’
Megan doubted Cissy was telling the truth, but loved her for what she knew she was trying to do. ‘I think a trip to see Hattie is just what we need, and she must be dying to hear all our news.’
‘Let’s go tomorrow then. Only . . . well, Jack doesn’t know owt of Hattie, as I’ve not been at telling him of her. That sounds bad, doesn’t it?’
‘No, I understand. I haven’t told Bert of her either, so we’re in same boat. Let’s just say as we’ve some shopping to do, on account of our conditions. That should satisfy them and stop them being curious. Mind, I can’t be going until after eleven. I can’t leave me bucket until then.’
They were giggling again, and Megan was glad for it. She’d had a fear in her of Cissy and Jack finding out about how Bert was when he lost his temper. They’d want to try and help her, which mustn’t happen. It would only make things worse. She hoped Cissy would just take it as something that had only happened the once; and besides, Bert had said as he’d never do it again. Oh, she knew he’d said that the first time, but she believed he meant it this time. He was in such a state afterwards, and so loving towards her.
Doing as Hattie had suggested on their trip to visit her – relaxing and letting it happen, then gradually taking more of an active part – made Bert much happier when they coupled. Over the next few months it made a difference to his mood and to how he viewed Megan’s feelings for him. It’d pleased her, too. It wasn’t what she would call ‘wonderful’, but it wasn’t without some pleasure for her. The trouble was, it was getting more difficult and uncomfortable to take him. Her pregnancy had caused her to swell so much that she was now like a barrel.
As she dipped doorsteps of bread into hot fat for his breakfast, she could still feel the pain he’d put her through during the night. He’d wanted her to turn her back towards him. They’d done it a few times in that position since she’d got bigger, and she’d liked it, but with the babby so low it had hurt. Hattie had told her how to use her hand, and she’d suggested doing that instead from now on. Bert had liked it as part of their love-making, but he wasn’t for it being all he had. She’d ended up in tears after taking a clout as well as the pain of him forcing himself into her.
He hadn’t spoken to her while she’d been cooking his breakfast, and neither did he speak while he ate it. She decided to leave things, and got on with putting up his snap tin. She wasn’t for saying anything if he didn’t. But then, as he pulled on his boots, he said, ‘Are thee all right, Megan?’
>
‘Aye. We’ve to talk, though, Bert. I’m not for going through what happened last night again. I’m not saying as I’ll leave you wanting, but there’s other ways.’
‘I know. We’ll talk on it, but it seems as it isn’t reet having a wife as you can’t use. I can do the other meself if I want to, and you’ve two months to go as yet.’
‘So you “use” me, then? It’s for your pleasure only, is it? Not to show me your love or owt.’
‘Don’t go twisting me words, Megan. You’re good at that. I just can’t see me getting by for two months having nothing. And besides, you’ll not be ready for a few weeks after babby’s born, either.’
‘Well, you’ll just have to go calling on Lillian then, won’t you? I’m sure as she’ll be willing to let you use her. Because I’m telling you, Bert Armitage, I’m not for it. Not until babby’s born.’
‘Aye, I might just do that. Like you say, she’ll be willing. She’s always hanging around me. She showed willing afore you decided you wanted me, and it were good an’ all. And it weren’t given under sufferance, either!’
The door slammed behind him. Megan sat down. What had she done? If anybody should be accused of ‘using’ anyone, it was her. Hadn’t she used Bert because she’d nowhere else to go? He might have been happy with Lillian. It seems they had been at it, and he’d liked it, but what if he went off with Lillian now? What then? The cottage was in his name. Could he chuck her out? No, he’d not do that. He’d be an outcast amongst his own. It wasn’t done. Oh, having a bit on the side would be accepted – some would even put him on a pedestal for it – but would she be able to stand the shame? No. She knew she wouldn’t. She’d just have to let Bert have his way. She would have to bear the pain and pretend it was good. It was the only way.
Megan looked anxiously at the clock as she waited for Bert to come home from his shift. He was late. He was never late. He’d often go out again for a walk or, if it was later, to the pub, but never until after he’d been home and eaten his meal and had a swill. Thoughts of what had gone on between them that morning had made her mind up to say she was sorry and to tell him she’d try harder. But now it was four o’clock, and he’d been due back before three. Was he with Lillian? Had he taken what she’d said as leave to do it? Oh God!
She looked out of the window again. Lillian walked by with a smile. Was it a satisfied smile? One that said, ‘I’ve got your man’?
Bert came in just after, looking sheepish. Her temper flared, and she shot at him, ‘Did you do as you said then?’
‘What was that?’
‘I saw Lillian go by just now, looking like she’d been made happy.’
‘What yer talking of? I haven’t been near her. But I tell you sommat, Megan: I will if you keep on.’
‘Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it? So where have you been then?’
‘Oh, I’m not to be trusted now, am I not? Some marriage this is turning out to be. No having what’s me right to have, no trust. And I’d like to bet as me dinner isn’t on, either! By, I took sommat on when I took up with you, Megan Armitage!’
He came towards her, his anger rising with every step. ‘So, you want to know where I’ve been, eh?’
‘No, Bert. It . . . it’s all right. I was just on with worrying about you.’
‘You bloody wasn’t! You thought as I was with Lillian Cole, didn’t you?’
He pushed her in the chest with each word, until she had her back to the table edge. ‘Don’t, Bert. Don’t get all worked up. I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry, is it? Thou knows, if anybody’s bloody sorry it’s me for taking you on. You bitch!’
His fist dug into her stomach with such force that she crumpled to the floor.
‘And that’s where you bloody belong an’ all. You’re nowt but a cock-teasing bitch! I’m off. I’m going to see if I can find Lillian and see what she’s got for me.’
Megan thought the pain would never stop. It caused every part of her body to cramp and a wetness to seep between her legs. Oh God! The babby! No. It’s too soon! No. No . . . She tried to sit up, but couldn’t move. Waves of pain took all her strength. Panic rose in her. It couldn’t happen. Not here on a stone floor, and her all on her own. Her babby would die! ‘Help. Help me. Oh God! Someone help me!’
The door opened. ‘Oh, Megan lass, what’s to do? Is babby coming?’
‘I – I think so, Mrs Braithwaite. Oh! Help me, please help me . . .’
‘Can you get up if I give you a hand? You need to be on your bed, love.’
‘No – no, don’t move me. Oh – oh, it’s coming . . . IT’S COMING!’
‘I’ll fetch Gertie. Hang on. I’ll not be a mo.’
‘Don’t leave.’
A deep despair engulfed Megan as the door shut behind Mrs Braithwaite, but it didn’t last long, as an urge she couldn’t stop took her and a pain more intense than any she’d suffered before made her push down with all her strength. The babby slid from her onto the cold floor.
Gertie Ardbuckle and Mrs Braithwaite came in just at that moment. ‘Eeh, Megan love!’ Gertie moved swiftly, grabbing a towel off the fire surround and wrapping it around the little form. ‘Get water from kettle into that bowl, Bertha. Come on, move yourself! We’ve to act quickly.’
Bertha Braithwaite did as she was bid, as she did for all the instructions Gertie called out. Megan dared not ask any questions as they worked. It was as if time had frozen. Suddenly there was a mighty yell from the babby and Gertie said, ‘It’s a boy, lass. And he’s reet bonny. You must’ve been at getting your dates wrong. He’s a good size for an early one. I’d say he’s on five to six pounds.’
With the relief that came with the cry of her babby, her body started to shake and, through chattering teeth, she asked, ‘Is he all right, Gertie? There’s nowt wrong with him, is there?’
‘No. He’s perfect. He’s a might sleepy, but then little ones are.’ She cut off there and shouted at Bertha, ‘Put him down on the settle, Bertha, and run upstairs and get the bedding. We’ve to get Megan warmed. She’s on with the ague. Don’t worry, Megan lass. It’s a thing as happens, especially when babby comes quickly like that. We’re to get you warm and get sommat hot into you. You’ll be fine.’
Megan didn’t think she’d ever be fine again. She couldn’t keep a limb still, and drinking the hot tea Bertha had made for her wasn’t easy. Gradually she felt her body steadying.
‘Right, that’s good, lass. Now, we need to get you cleaned up and get you to your bed. You need a good rest.’
Megan found she couldn’t speak as they washed her down and helped her into her nightgown, securing a clean rag between her legs. Weariness flooded over her and it took all her strength to get up the stairs. Gertie walked behind her, steadying her with her hand. Once in her bed, Bertha passed her son to her. As she took him and held him close, Gertie said, ‘He’ll take some raising at first, on account that he’ll not be able to take much food all at once. He’ll be at your breast near on every hour of the day and night. You’ve your work cut out, lass.’
She just nodded her reply. It was a strange feeling – a strange but wonderful feeling – to be holding her child. She couldn’t believe it, and neither could she take her eyes from him. A love she’d never felt for anyone in the whole of her life took her over.
‘There! It was worth all the pain, I’d say, wouldn’t you, lass?’
‘Aye, I would, Gertie. And thanks. And you, Bertha. I’d not have known what to do without you.’
‘Go on with you. Anyroad, I’m to go now. I’ve to call at the corner shop, which is where I were going when Bertha stopped me. I’ve nowt for Gary’s tea on the go yet, but before I go, tell us what you’re going to call him. Then I can have the full story for anybody as I see on me travels.’
‘I don’t know. I’d not thought about it, as I thought I’d ages to go. I’ll see what Bert thinks.’
‘Is he on shift?’ Gertie asked.
‘No. He . . . he went for a walk.’
‘Don’t be on with worrying, love. I told Mr Braithwaite to be going after him as soon as I’d got Gertie to come. He said as he would when he’d finished his dinner. Bloody men!’ tutted Bertha.
Gertie chuckled, but Megan didn’t smile. All she could think was, Please, God, don’t let Bert be found with Lillian. The shame of it would be too much to bear.
‘Megan! Megan . . .’ The sound of Cissy calling from downstairs stopped any further thoughts or worries. The bedroom door burst open. ‘Oh, Megan, I’ve just heard. I were in the village and I saw Mr Braithwaite. Oh, love! Babby’s here then? What is it? Are you all right? Oh, let me see!’
‘I’ll leave you to it. She’s fine, Ciss, and so is the babby, so don’t be fussing. Happen she could do with another brew – one as she can enjoy this time. I’ll see you later, lassies.’
‘Aye, and I’ll be off an’ all. I’ve to do me pots. I’ll look in tomorrow after Mr Braithwaite’s off on his shift.’
‘Thanks, Gert. Thanks. Thanks, Mrs Braithwaite. Thanks for all as you’ve done. I’ll see you both right.’
Bert was back within the hour. She didn’t ask him where he’d been. He sat down on the end of the bed, holding his head in his hands. Cissy had left when he’d come in. Megan tried to soothe him. ‘Don’t take on, Bert. I shouldn’t have said what I did. Things’ll be better for us now babby’s born. You’ll see.’
‘Oh, lass. I never wanted to be one as knocked you about. You’ve to stop getting at me, thou knows. You make me that mad at times.’
‘Aye, I know. I were for saying sorry when you got home, but you coming in late set me off with imagining things, and me mouth ran off with me.’
‘Well, I knew as you were spirited when I took you on. I haven’t been with Lillian, thou knows. I missed cage as come up, and got on a later one. First time as that’s happened to me. And just now I went for a walk up Mire Hill. I were on me own. Anyroad, I’d better be at getting me swill and then I can have a look at the babby.’