by Mary Wood
‘It’s all right, Harry love.’ Hattie covered his hands with hers. ‘Come and sit down again. We need to talk some.’
As he sat down, Harry said, ‘I’m sorry, Hattie. I didn’t ever mean to declare me love for you. I was going to hold it inside me forever. I didn’t mean to give you anything more to worry over. Don’t think on it. I can go back to how things were.’
‘I don’t want you to do that, Harry. I – I’m a bit unsure of me feelings as yet, with everything as has happened, but I do feel sommat for you. And it’s more than I were used to having. I just don’t know if it’s . . . well, it might be because you are a salve to me.’
‘I can wait, Hattie. Patience is a thing as I’ve been trained to. I’ll be at helping you, though, love. I’ve not just come because of the letter. I’ve left Lord Greystone’s service. I couldn’t carry on, knowing what he’d done to you and the part I’d played in it through my loyalty to him.’
‘But what are you going to do?’
‘I’ve a mind to start up a business of me own – a cobbler’s and barber’s shop. Ha! I’ve even a name for it. I’m going to call it “Harry’s End to End”.’
Hattie laughed with him at this, and their joined laughter stirred something inside her. She’d always liked Harry.
‘Laughing apart, I think as I could make a go of it. I’m skilled in both of them trades and I reckon that if one is slack at one time, then the other will compensate and I’ll make a nice little living. Enough! Aye, well, that’s for later.’
‘Well, we’re on with the same idea. Starting a shop, that is.’ Hattie told Harry of her own and Megan’s plan.
‘It sounds grand, love. I’ve always worried over Megan. She deserved better than she got. I know I didn’t see much of her, but I liked her and her mate. Poor Cissy. It don’t bear thinking on. Such a pretty lass.’ Harry shook his head. ‘I’ve never forgot time as I met her. She sort of got to you.’
‘Aye, she were special. And you’re right, Megan does deserve better.’
‘You do, too, Hattie. What’re you going to do about the house and . . . and, well, this other business of yours?’
‘I’m not for keeping the house, as it has too many memories. It’s in me just to tell Arthur what he can do with his gift, but I’ve to think on. If I sold it, I could get out of game as I’m in. I’ve wanted to, this good while. I even have someone willing to take it on, but after I lost Arthur, I pulled out of the deal and were at hoping as me venture with Megan would be a way out sometime in the future. But now, though I feel as Arthur is giving me a final payment for me services and it don’t sit right, I’d be a fool not to take this chance.’
‘In this future you’re planning, do you ever think a time will come when you could consider me – well, you know?’
‘Are you honestly saying as you’d take me on, knowing of everything? Because I’ve a past as you’d have to live with, Harry.’
‘I know you have, and it’s never stopped me loving you. I don’t know how it was that you came to be a . . . well, you know what I mean, but I can bet it wasn’t of your choosing. In my reckoning you’ve paid the price, lass. You’ve suffered more than most.’
‘Aye, and you’re right, this life weren’t of me choosing. I will tell you of it one day, but I’ve a lot to think about at the moment. Let’s just say as Arthur’s not the first lord to have ruined me life.’
‘Don’t think on it as ruined, Hattie. What are you: thirty? No more than that, I’m sure. You have most of your life to live yet.’
‘You should know it’s rude to ask a lass her age, Harry! But you’re reet, I am on thirty. And what you say as to me having a lot of me life left to live is true. It’s just that at this moment in time I can’t see forward without Arthur and all we had together, but I will. I’ll take you up on your offer of being patient with me, cos I’ve a need in me to make sure as what I feel for you isn’t clouded by the circumstances I’ve been brought to. I don’t want you to be just someone as fills a gap in me. That wouldn’t be fair.’
Harry just nodded, and Hattie thought her life was going to be more bearable for having him with her. She felt hopeful about the future, but for Harry’s sake she’d take it steady.
35
The Pity of It All
Megan froze, her hand motionless over the pot of stew she’d been stirring. She held herself stiff and unyielding.
‘Oh, aye. It’s like that, is it? You can’t even bear me to touch you now.’
‘No, Bert. I . . . you made me jump. You took me unawares. I’m sorry.’ She made an effort and turned round to face him. He’d not approached her in this manner for some time. His need was usually satisfied by rolling on her and pounding away until his finish, and then turning over and sleeping. Or after a beating. He still had that sick trait, and beating her always aroused him. But to show a simple affectionate gesture like coming up behind her and stroking her was something he’d not done for an age, and it had shocked her.
‘Aye, well, you don’t give me any encouragement, thou knows.’
‘Maybe I would, if you didn’t treat me like you do, Bert. You’ve never been reet with me. It isn’t just a clout on a Friday night with you, is it?’
‘Oh, here we go. You have to bring that up, don’t you? You have to get me going. By, Megan, you’ve a lot to answer for. You’ve made me what I never wanted to be. And yet, knowing what riles me don’t stop you, does it?’
‘Things could’ve been different, Bert. We started off all right, and when things began to go badly, there were times as it still could’ve been sorted. I’ve not wanted to live like we do. I’ve not wanted to be beaten from pillar to post, despite your thinking I like it. What you did just now were a nice thing – sommat as should be natural between husband and wife, but instead it were sommat as I never expected. And that’s what caused me to stiffen.’
‘Well, then, perhaps I should do more of it, eh?’
Bert pulled her roughly to him. His hands cupped her bottom, and she felt the hardness of him dig into her. This didn’t worry her, even though coupling with Bert was the last thing she needed, but she’d not deny him. She’d do anything to keep the peace and get through these last weeks.
‘Oh, Megan. We’ll make a fresh start, eh? Come on, let’s go upstairs. Lad’s out playing; he’ll not bother us.’
The kiss he gave her was a gentle one and, despite everything, it aroused something in her – something she longed for. A loving. It wouldn’t hurt to respond, and that she was able to surprised her. But then, it’d been so long since she’d had anything like this, and she was a normal woman, wasn’t she? She wasn’t the nothing that Bert had made her feel she was, and even Jack had shown her attention of late. Thinking of Jack made her respond with more passion.
‘By, Megan, lass. Come on.’
She giggled at him. ‘In broad daylight? Bert Armitage, what’s come over you?’ She was enjoying herself. ‘Go on up, then. I’ll just see to stew so it don’t burn. I’ll not be a mo.’
Bert kissed her again. ‘Eeh, lass. Don’t be long.’
It only took a minute for Megan to see to the stew, and within no time she had her cap in place. How was it that she could feel like this? Here she was plotting to leave Bert, and yet she was all roused up by him and for the first time in years wanted to take him to her! Well, she’d not dwell on it. Just let it happen. It might be nice to take a happy memory with her.
The shock she’d felt at Bert touching her was nothing to what she experienced when she reached their bedroom. Bert was hopping about on one foot, anger burning on his face.
‘I’ve just caught me bloody toe on that fucking loose floorboard! I’ve a good mind to rip it up and have done with it. I think I bloody will an’ all.’
She held her breath as he bent down. Oh God! No . . . no!
‘Leave it now, Bert. We’ve sommat better to be getting on with.’
‘Aye, and that’s a wonder an’ all. What’s made you so eager of a sudden?
You’ve wanted nowt to do with me for years. You’ve bloody needed it beating out of you for me to get owt other than a quick release. I haven’t forgot that, thou knows.’ He sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed his toe. ‘I’ve a bloody splinter. Fuck it!’
She held back the retort that came to her. She had to handle this right. Somehow she had to get Bert out of this mood and his attention off the floorboard. It didn’t bear thinking about what he’d do if she didn’t, and he found what she had hidden there.
‘I’ll get a bowl of water and you can soak your toe. It’ll make it easier to get the splinter out. And, Bert, you’re right about the other and I’m sorry. Like you said, let’s make a fresh start. You’ve brought it about, with you being nice to me and touching me, like, so don’t let’s miss the chance, eh?’
He didn’t answer. His expression hadn’t softened. She ran from the room and down the stairs. When she came back Bert was having a go at the floorboard.
‘Here, Bert. Leave that. Come on, get your foot in here. You don’t want it to fester. I’ll put rug over the floorboard from my side of the bed. I can make another one.’
‘That won’t fix it. It’ll still stick up.’
In her desperation she emitted a crudeness that wasn’t in her nature. ‘Aye, but YOU won’t, by the time you’ve sorted it. Are you going to let me down, now you have me going then, Bert Armitage?’
‘Ha, Megan Armitage! I never thought to see the day! Bugger the splinter. Come here.’
She made herself laugh with him and went into his arms. It wasn’t unwelcome to her. Her shock at him discovering the loose floorboard had, for a moment, made her forget her feelings of arousal, and Bert’s anger had brought her back to reality. But, as he kissed her, the longing rose in her again and she found she did have a need in her for the loving he was offering her.
‘Eeh, lass. Let’s take it slow, eh? It’s always over quick because I’ve not felt welcome, but with you being willing – well, we can have some fun, eh?’
‘Aye, we can.’ She could say no more. Bert’s kisses were gentle and loving, and his hands were giving her pleasure. Deep inside she felt a response of the kind she’d only ever felt once before. It was a long time ago, when she first learned from Hattie to lie back, let it happen and then to try to take a more active part. Not that she knew what it was her body wanted, only that she’d never reached it and that the wanting of it had always left her feeling unfulfilled.
Bert was in her now, his movements slow and his kisses deep. The feelings in her built and built, demanding to be released. She arched her back, thrusting herself towards him, wanting him deeper and deeper inside her and wanting him to go faster and thrust harder. She knew something was going to happen – something wonderful. She wanted it. She must have it! But then Bert cried out and his body stiffened. Oh God! Not yet! It hadn’t happened. It was so near . . . no! No . . .
‘Aw, Megan . . . Megan lass. By, that were grand.’
He rolled off her and surprised her again by holding her to him, when he usually just turned over when he was done.
‘Thanks, lass.’ He kissed her hair. ‘It could always be like that, thou knows. It were as good as what you’ve given me after I’ve beaten you. I’ve never wanted to beat you, Megan. I’d seen so much of it and been the brunt of it, and I used to vow as I’d never treat me own wife like that. It’s just as sommat snaps in me. It won’t again, I promise.’
His words and his loving hold lulled her, but the throbbing ache she still felt clouded her better judgement. She put her lips to his, and as he responded she deepened the kiss. Her body wanted more. Taking his hand, she placed it between her thighs.
Bert pulled his lips from hers. ‘What’s up? What’re you doing? Wasn’t I enough for you? After all we’ve just done and all as I’ve said, you have to bloody throw it in me face, don’t you? You’re a bastard, Megan. A fucking bastard!’ He turned away from her.
‘No, Bert!’ Megan grabbed his arm. ‘I . . . it were lovely. I didn’t want it to end. You’ve often took me a second time. It were so good I wanted to feel it again.’
‘It weren’t enough for you, you mean. Get out of it. Go on. I’ve had me belly full of you.’
Was that a sob she’d heard? Oh God! What had she done? The feeling that had fuelled her action was gone and she couldn’t bring it to mind now. And yet it’d been so strong.
‘I’m sorry, Bert. I’m so sorry.’
The words were heartfelt. She was apologizing for bringing him to this – for being the wrong person for him, and for all the beatings she’d taken. It wasn’t that she had deserved them or provoked them, but she knew now that she’d not helped him in any way to overcome his anger. Most of all she was apologizing for not having loved him enough and for losing whatever love she did once have for him without even putting up a fight to keep it. She’d known he was the wrong one for her. He hadn’t.
She swung her legs out of the bed. They were so heavy they felt like two sacks of coal. Her whole body was heavy. Heavy with her guilt. It was a good thing she was going. Maybe then Bert’s troubled soul could find some peace.
If in the future she did well from her business, she’d make sure he was all right. She’d save up to pay for a divorce, so that he was free to find happiness with someone else – someone who didn’t rile him. Suddenly she wanted that for him, and wanted it for herself, too. Freedom. Freedom to find happiness. It wasn’t much to ask, was it?
As she put her feet to the floor she caught sight of the floorboard, shocked to see it sticking up at an angle. Bert must have got further at prising it up than she’d thought. Her heart thudded against her chest. For all her new way of thinking about Bert, she’d not be able to deal with him finding her money and her locket. Most of all her locket!
What should she do? If she tried to put the board back down and he heard her, he’d start again. As it was, he only needed an excuse – and the floorboard would give him one. Could she get her hand in without making a noise and remove the wrap of money and the envelope containing her locket? She’d have to try.
Every board squeaked as she crept towards it. Why had she never noticed the noise the floorboards made before?
‘Where’re you going? You said as you’re sorry and now you’re trying to get away from me.’
This shocked her. There was a change in Bert and he sounded distressed. ‘I thought as I’d let you sleep. I’ve to see to getting dinner done. And I am sorry, Bert. I wouldn’t intentionally have spoiled what we did. It were like I said, it were best as we’ve ever had and I didn’t want it to end. I’ve a lot to learn still. Many a time you’ve done it again, and I didn’t realize as you couldn’t always.’
‘It were with it being so good, it sapped everything from me.’
‘Aye, it were good. Well, I’ve to get on. You get an hour afore you’ve to get ready for work. I’ll go and put your snap up and have stew ready for you.’
‘Just stay until I’m asleep. I’m afraid of losing you, Megan.’
She couldn’t speak. He was afraid of losing her? Then why? Why? Why had he done all he could to drive her away? She couldn’t cope with this new Bert. What had happened? Had he found out she was leaving? No, it couldn’t be that. He’d have knocked two bells out of her if he’d found that out. Whatever it was, his manner made her want to comply, so she got back into bed and pulled the covers over her.
Bert reached out for her and pulled her to snuggle into the back of him. Oh God! That this change should come now! What should I do? What should I do?
She lay cuddled up to his warm body. It felt good. This was how it should always have been. Instead she’d spent the whole of her married life lying on the other side of the bed, afraid to move in case she disturbed him. If she did, he could wake up angry and lay into her, or be aroused and pound her with his body, seeking his own release, with no thought for hers. And she did have needs, but no, she’d not think on that. She didn’t want to wake up the feeling again.
&nb
sp; Although she was more comfortable and soothed than she’d ever been, her mind wouldn’t rest. The loose floorboard, and the consequences of Bert finding what it hid, roused a fear in her that kept her alert. She willed Bert to fall asleep. He was capable of slipping into a deep sleep in a short time, then waking refreshed after only having an hour or so. Please, God, let that happen now.
His snoring told her he’d dozed off. She took her arm from around him, fear tightening her throat. Should she roll over and lie for a moment, to check if he noticed? It seemed to be the only choice she had. If he woke, she could say she had pins and needles and had had to move.
Nothing happened. She lay with her bottom touching his for what seemed like an age. He’d not noticed her moving. As she edged herself towards the other side of the bed, Bert snorted. There was an irritation in the sound. Her body froze.
His breathing became steady again. She inched away from him. Please let her find the boards that didn’t squeak!
She’d done it! Her hand was under the board. She could feel the money, and slowly she pulled it out. She could hardly breathe. As it inched towards her, she kept her head high so that she could see any movement Bert made. Now for the locket.
Just as it came into sight, Bert moved.
‘Megan?’
She was lost. She’d nowhere to put the money or the locket.
‘I – I’m just dressing. You go back off. I’ll give you a call in plenty of time.’
‘Aye, all reet, lass.’
He turned back into the position he’d been in. She looked around, hoping an idea would come to her. Her eyes rested on her clothes on the bottom of the bed. She’d have to put the money and the locket on the floor while she dressed.