The Unforgettable What's His Name

by Paul Jennings

  A trail of poo ran down the road. Monkeys drop poo when they are frightened so there was plenty for me to follow.

  The trail went for about a kilometre along the road and then turned off onto an old railway line that ran through the forest.

  I could see that the poo was starting to dry out. I had to hurry.

  The railway line wound further and further into the forest. After about half an hour I reached the end of the monkey poo trail. It stopped at a ramshackle old building. An abandoned railway station.

  Grey, buckled planks clung desperately to the walls. The rusted tin roof was bent and filled with holes. Some of the windows were broken and the rest were covered in cobwebs. All the doors were gone.

  I peered in. Everything was quiet. And dark. ‘It’s me,’ I whispered. ‘Don’t be afraid, I’ve come to help you.’

  I heard a squeaking noise. The squeaking turned to squealing. And then to hissing and spitting. The monkeys were scared of me. They seemed to have forgotten who I was.

  A big monkey appeared at the door with arms swinging. His teeth were bared. It was the boss monkey – The Big Pee. He didn’t remember me either – or maybe he did. I backed away. He was a powerful creature.

  I took a step back towards the doorway. Before I could get any closer a small shape appeared out of the gloom. It was Banana Boy. He recognised me and stepped out onto the tracks.

  ‘Hello, little fellow,’ I said. ‘I am here to help you.’

  He looked tired and weak.

  I reached into my backpack and took out the banana. I held it out to him.

  He took one step forward. Then another. He reached out one trembling hand. He took the banana and started to peel it.

  Suddenly The Big Pee grabbed the banana and swallowed it greedily. Then he disappeared back into the station, followed by Banana Boy.

  I decided to go inside and talk to them. I tiptoed in. It was dark and at first I couldn’t see anything. Then little pinpricks of light began to twinkle like distant stars above my head. Eyes. A hundred eyes were blinking at me from above.

  Slowly my eyes adjusted to the light. The monkeys were all sitting in the rafters, looking down.

  ‘Come on,’ I said. ‘You have to get out of here. Follow me.’

  There was more nervous chattering. They were not going to budge.

  Right then I saw it. Falling slowly like a leaf dropping from a tree. Before I could move, it settled on my arm.

  ‘Aargh,’ I shrieked.

  A huge huntsman spider scampered over my hand.

  I started to pant. I went cold. Then hot. It was like I was drowning. I couldn’t get enough air.

  Everything changed. The world appeared strange. I could see both sides of me without turning my head. I could see back, front and above. What was going on? What, what, what?

  The monkeys were screeching in terror from their perch in the rafters.

  Then I realised.

  I had changed.

  I had long black hairy legs. Eight of them.

  I was a copy.

  Of the spider.

  Oh, please, please, get me back to normal. Help. Anyone. Please.

  I was a spider as big as a goat. The monkeys were squealing and yelping above. Some ran out onto the railway line.

  I walked around on my eight hairy legs. I could move quite quickly.

  Everything seemed unreal. The world was crazy.

  I started to do what spiders do after they fall.

  I began to climb up the wall. I stopped at a high window. There were a lot of dead blowflies on the windowsill. They were all on their backs with their legs pointing up to the ceiling. A couple were still buzzing.

  I didn’t want to do it. But I was part boy and part spider. I just couldn’t help it. My inner spider got the better of me.

  I grabbed a dead fly with my front pincers and shoved it into my mouth. Then another, and another. I couldn’t help myself. The flies were crunchy. Like potato chips. Quite tasty actually. Not as good as Burp Bombs. But not bad.

  I crawled up to the rafters. And then went a little higher. I reached the ceiling and began to move across it. Upside down.

  Now I was looking down on the monkeys. They were terrified. The noise was incredible. They sounded like the squealing brakes of a hundred trains.

  The boy part of me was telling me what to do. I had to get the monkeys back to the zoo.

  I reared back with my front legs in the air. I waved them. My legs spoke louder than words.

  ‘I am coming to get you, monkeys.’ That’s what my legs were saying.

  The monkeys dropped to the floor. They landed in a squirming heap. In a flash they were scampering down the railway track with me after them. They were fast and so was I. It’s amazing how quickly you can go with eight legs.

  They were like a mob of sheep fleeing from the devil. One thing I knew about sheep was how they could break into groups and scatter if you chased them. Thank goodness the railway line was like a road keeping them together.

  We belted down the track. On and on and on. The tribe followed The Big Pee but were finding it hard to keep up with him.

  I kept chasing the monkeys and they kept running. After a long time they reached the road. I could see that they weren’t sure what to do.

  At that very moment I heard a sound. A welcome sound. I recognised the spluttering noise of Maggot’s motorbike.

  The fear fell from me. Just knowing that he was coming made me feel safe.

  I felt myself begin to change. My extra legs vanished. I only had two. But they were both hairy.

  The hairs began to vanish from my left leg. And then my right leg. It was working. Yes, two knobbly boy’s knees.

  I was me again. It was weird but I was kind of getting used to this now.

  Maggot screeched to a stop and took off his helmet. The monkeys scrambled into the trees above.

  ‘What’s that?’ I said. I pointed to something that looked like a rocket fixed to the side of his dented bike. The rocket thing had one wheel and a seat inside. And, and … it was full of bananas.

  ‘A sidecar,’ shouted Maggot with a big grin. ‘My sidecar.’

  ‘How did you find us?’ I yelled.

  Maggot tapped his nose. ‘Followed the trail from the fruit stall,’ he said.

  At that moment another wonderful sound filled the air.

  The noise was like a rushing stream. The stream became a river. The river became a thundering waterfall.

  We both looked up as thirty motorbikes came to a stop.

  It was The Chief and Shark and Metal Mouth. And the rest of the bikie gang.

  Thirty rough, tough, wonderful bearded bikies. They were led by Maggot’s beloved Granny.

  I couldn’t believe it. Help had arrived.

  Maggot handed me a helmet and patted the seat behind him. I climbed up and put my arms around his waist.

  Maggot grabbed a banana and chucked it where the monkeys could see it. The monkeys fell like rain from the trees. They screeched and fought over one banana.

  He nodded at the sidecar. ‘One banana at a time,’ he said. ‘Take it easy.’

  I grinned. Maggot had a plan. A good one.

  He waved and the bikies moved into position. They made two long lines with a passage between them. Granny took up the lead point at the front. Maggot fell in between the two rumbling rows of bikes.

  Maggot pointed the way.

  ‘To the zoo,’ he yelled.

  As we started to move, I reached over into the sidecar and grabbed a banana. I threw it out behind us. The monkeys sniffed. They looked. And then they came.

  A squealing mob of monkeys scampered between the two lines of bikes. They ran behind the sidecar. I threw the bananas high in the air. Each one was grabbed and gobbled. Some monkeys took flying leaps like footballers going up for a mark.

  It was working. The monkeys were following us. Maggot was a genius. I wasn’t afraid. I was on top of the world.

  We made our way along
the main road and headed for the zoo. It was a fantastic sight. Me and Maggot, followed by a tribe of squabbling monkeys. And on each side a row of bikes stopped them from escaping. Right at the back I saw poor little Banana Boy all on his own. He wasn’t getting any.

  I threw the next banana straight to him. A powerful, strong throw. It bounced at his feet. He quickly grabbed the banana, peeled it and ate it before I could blink.

  As we headed towards town I started to get nervous. People would be watching us. Every eye would be looking. The thing I had always hated.

  ‘Relax,’ I said to myself. ‘Relax.’

  I knew that if I got nervous anything could happen.

  Just the thought of all those people staring sent a shiver down my spine.

  Finally we reached the edge of town. There was no sign of the zookeepers or the police. They were probably off in the bush somewhere. Following the wrong trail.

  But hundreds of people lined the road and looked down from windows. They had heard we were coming. I saw the cameraman pointing his lens straight at me. And next to him was the woman with the microphone.

  What if I turned into something while the world was watching? What if I turned into a banana? Was that possible? What if a monkey grabbed me and peeled me? And ate me?

  There would be no coming back from that. I might end up as a small piece of monkey poo on the side of the road.

  All of these thoughts swirled around in my head. But the thing that worried me most was the thought of the whole world looking at me.

  I could sense the hot-and-cold feelings beginning to seep into my body.

  I had to do something. Maggot slowed as we reached the crowd.

  And gave me my chance.

  I jumped off the bike and scampered behind some kids from school. No one even noticed me. Once again, I was What’s His Name. I was safe.

  Maggot was riding his bike but there was no one with him to throw out bananas from the sidecar. Some of the tribe were starting to fall behind.

  Right at that very moment, a figure jumped onto the sidecar.

  It was a monkey. Banana Boy. He grabbed a banana. But he didn’t eat it. He threw it into the air. Then another and another. He was taking my place. Feeding the mob. The banana pile was growing slowly.

  I fell in behind the crowd as they followed the bikes and the monkeys into the zoo.

  Many of the other animals stopped to look as Maggot led the way. The crowd was quiet. Even the other animals seemed to be holding their breath.

  Finally the bikies reached the monkey pen. They switched off their engines and formed two silent rows leading up to the gate. No one wanted to frighten the monkeys right at the last minute. The zoo staff held fingers up to their lips. They knew that one wrong move would send the monkeys into meltdown.

  The gate of the monkey pen hung open. There were hardly any bananas left. Oh, no. Banana Boy would never get them inside.

  He threw a few more to the smallest monkeys. And then – oh, what? – there was only one banana left.

  He waved it at the tribe from his perch on the sidecar. He was teasing them. Tempting them. He hopped down and ran through the gate holding the last banana high above his head.

  The mob followed. They ran after him. In the blink of an eye the tribe swept into the pen. They were all inside except one monkey – The Big Pee. He spat and hissed and didn’t want to go. The tribe turned and looked at him. That’s when I realised. He was telling them that he was the boss. He wasn’t coming in. They had to come back to him.

  Banana Boy gave a loud wail and waved the banana. The Big Pee screeched back. This went on for about twenty screeches. The monkeys’ heads swivelled like people watching a tennis match.

  Banana Boy stopped screeching and peeled the banana. He placed it at the gate. He gave one more screech and then all was still.

  It was a test of will. If the boss took the banana he would not be the leader anymore.

  Slowly, slowly, The Big Pee hopped into the pen. He grabbed the banana and gobbled it.

  Banana Boy threw back his head and gave a mighty howl as Maggot closed the gate.

  Banana Boy was the new boss. Yay. Maggot had pulled it off.

  Maggot and the bikies were all surrounded by a crowd of cheering people. A girl ran out and stood next to Maggot. She put her arm around his neck and held out her phone. She was taking a selfie. I couldn’t believe it. It was Gertag.

  The cameraman and his helper saw what was going on and came over to talk to her. Gertag was going to be on TV.

  Maggot spotted me hiding up the back and came over.

  ‘Come on, mate,’ he said. ‘You’re the hero here. Take a bow.’

  I didn’t want to take a bow. But I didn’t want Gertag to take one, either.

  ‘You posed with Gertag,’ I said. He looked puzzled.

  I shouldn’t have been jealous. Maggot wasn’t just friendly to me. He was nice to everyone. But it made me wonder. Where did I belong? Who was my tribe? I had to know.

  I thought about my father again. Okay, he wasn’t a hero like Maggot. But he would be like me. He was scared of spiders too. Maybe he even blended in when things got scary.

  I started to push my way through the crowd. ‘Where are you going?’ said Maggot.

  ‘To the park. I need to think things through,’ I said.

  ‘I’ll see you at dinner,’ he said.

  I had forgotten about that. Why had Mum invited him to tea?

  My heart grew cold. I knew they were going to talk me into seeing a doctor. Or a counsellor. No one had actually seen me change into something else. No one believed it. Including Mum and Maggot.

  I had to find my dad. He would believe me.

  ‘Yeah, see you tonight, Maggot,’ I said.

  I went home first, and put supplies in my backpack. Then I headed off towards the park.

  It was past lunchtime and I was feeling hungry as I passed the two stone boys.

  Two? The missing statue was back. Spouting water out of its mouth. They must have taken it away to fix it up. And now it was back.

  The two statues were real. But one of them looked more real than the other. It was creepy. As if it was looking at me. I hurried on by and sat down on a park bench.

  There was a row of bushes trimmed into shapes. There was a bush cut like a big ball. And another one exactly the same next to it. I started jogging towards it. But by the time I got there I found only one bush. This was weird. Where had the other bush gone?

  Far off I saw two large dogs. Both the same. Exactly the same. Black with white snouts and white tails.

  ‘Hey,’ I yelled. The two dogs stopped, looked and then disappeared into the bushes. Only one ran out.

  A few minutes later there was a rustling in the trees overhead.

  Two identical possums were staring down at me. The world was going crazy. Two statues, two bushes, two dogs and two possums.

  It was a weird puzzle, but I had others to solve. All I could think about was finding my dad. I wanted him to come home. But he could be anywhere. And no one except Mum seemed to know where he was. And she wasn’t telling.

  I decided to go and look for him. Even if he was in Darwin. Or Tassie.

  But no one would let a boy go on a plane. Or drive a car. Or ask questions about missing persons.

  That was when I got an idea. A brilliant idea.

  What if I was a man?

  If I was a man I could go wherever I liked and do whatever I liked. I could even put a notice on Facebook. Or something like that.

  What if, instead of trying not to change into something else, I did the opposite?

  Could I copy something or someone on purpose? What if I made myself a man?

  It was a good idea. But there was a problem.

  I couldn’t just sit next to a man on a bus and turn into a copy of him. He would freak out. I would probably get locked up.

  I needed to practise on something else first.

  That was when I heard barking.

&
nbsp; ‘Woof, woof, woof.’

  It was Sandy. He ran over to me and started jumping up. He loved me.

  Just the thing. I could practise on him. If I could copy a dog, I could copy a person. Perfect.

  I gave Sandy a few pats. Then I bent down and spoke to him.

  ‘Sandy, boy,’ I said. ‘How would you like a friend? Someone just like yourself?’

  I sat down on the park bench and held Sandy by the collar. Then I closed my eyes.

  ‘Change,’ I said to myself. ‘Change into a dog.’ I gave it everything I had. It was like trying to lift a train. That’s how hard it was for my brain.

  I thought about Sandy. Nothing but Sandy. Sweat ran down my face. I started to tingle all over.

  I looked down at myself. Nothing. Just ordinary legs. Ordinary boy’s pants and jumper. Ordinary boy’s hands and fingers.

  Busting my boiler wasn’t working. I needed to try something else.

  Why didn’t I do the opposite again? Maybe it would work for copying something. On purpose. Without being scared.

  ‘Relax,’ I said. ‘Relax. Think of how much fun it would be to be a dog for a while.’

  If I was a dog I wouldn’t have to go to school. I would get pats on the head from a kind master. I could take a leak against a tree and no one would care. A warm glow started to wash over me.

  Something was happening. I was changing. I was doing it on purpose.

  I opened my eyes and looked down. Sandy was staring up at me with big eyes. He suddenly gave a yelp and pulled himself away. He ran squealing across the park.

  I opened my mouth to call him back. But no words came.

  ‘Woof, woof, woof,’ I said.

  I couldn’t believe it. I was barking.

  And I could see my own nose. I had a long snout with a rubbery bit on the end of it. I held my hands up to my face. It was all hairy.

  Then I looked at my body and felt my head. What? Oh, no, no, no.

  No, no, no, no, no. I had a boy’s body and a dog’s head. A dog with no ears. Just holes where they should be.