Murky Pond

by T. L. Haddix

  Warren nodded. “Yeah, she—wait.” He stared at his brother, then he swallowed. “You know?”

  “That it’s Lily? We suspected. The timing fit, then and now. What do you plan to do?”

  He shoved his hands in his hair. “I don’t know. Honest to God, I don’t know. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but once it did, I can’t find it within myself to regret it. At the same time, I wish I could undo it. What a fricking mess. Ben and Ainsley would kill me if they knew. I feel like I’ve betrayed them, betrayed you.”

  “Nah, I wouldn’t go that far,” Caleb told him. “I don’t know how upset they’d be either. They think a lot of you. Of course, she is their only daughter.”

  Warren cursed and gave him a quick, soft punch to the arm when Caleb laughed. “I don’t want to get involved again, Cal. I’m too afraid.”

  Caleb laid his hand on Warren’s shoulder, shaking gently with a reassuring squeeze. “You said it yourself. You’re already involved, and that’s why you’re fighting this so hard. I know you have feelings for Lily. That’s plain to see to anyone who watches the two of you. You’re bonded, have been for years, never mind the single night you had with her.”

  “I’m thinking about leaving the farm. I’ve had the casual offer of a job out in Arizona.” Hearing the words spoken aloud, even though he’d been the one to say them, was jarring. Not just for Warren either, if the way Caleb was staring at him was any indication.

  “I thought you loved your job.”

  His cheeks heated. “I do. But it might be better for everyone if Lily and I aren’t around each other.”

  Caleb huffed. “Oh, sure. That makes perfect sense. Leave the job you love, the people you love, your family, your home, move fifteen hundred miles away to a God-forsaken place—your words from when you were out there a couple of years back, remember, not mine—just so you don’t have to explore the possibility of falling in love again.”

  Warren glared at his feet. “It isn’t the love I’m afraid of. It’s the losing.” As to the rest, hearing the case Caleb had laid out did make Warren sound rather ridiculous.

  “Look, you’re an adult, and an admirably responsible one these days. You have to make your own decisions, your own choices. But I think it’d be a crying shame to see you spend the rest of your life alone because things didn’t work out the first time you tried.”

  “Didn’t work out?” Warren was incredulous. “Cal, she died.”

  Caleb’s tone wasn’t unsympathetic. “I know. And no amount of wishing or praying or swearing at God is going to change that. Sometimes, I wish you hadn’t met her, because maybe then you’d be able to have a normal life. I hate myself for thinking that, but it’s the truth. She never would have wanted you to end up alone.”

  “It’s easy for you to sit there and say that.” Warren’s voice was rough. “If you lost Brooke, do you really think you’d ever remarry?”

  To his surprise, his brother gave a sad smile. “I used to think I wouldn’t. The idea of it is so foreign, so abhorrent, it hurts to think about. But she and I have talked about it as we’ve gotten older, and while neither of us is going to rush out and find a second spouse, we’ve both given the other strict orders not to crawl in the grave. Brooke says I can give her three years of grief. I told her I wanted four.” His grin was lopsided, and he shrugged. “If I’m not here to love her and protect her, I don’t want that woman to spend years, possibly decades, alone with just my memory, Warren. I want her to be able to laugh and have joy in her life and have fun, damn it. There’s too much love inside her to lock it up and waste it on a dried-up corpse in a box.”

  For a few minutes, they didn’t speak, didn’t look at each other. They let the silence carry his words. They were powerful words, and as Caleb had said, they hurt to think about.

  “I hope to God you two are chasing each other around on your walkers when you’re a hundred,” Warren told him.

  “So do I.” Caleb nudged him, then stood. “Just think about things. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. What does Lily have to say about all this?”

  Warren sighed and joined him as they started walking toward home. “I didn’t let her say much when I saw her. I tried to call her and talk to her last year after it happened, but she ran. It was a shock for both of us, totally unplanned. I guess I had a lot of anger about that—hurt feelings, ego, whatever. So I pretty well let her have it when I saw her again.” He didn’t mention the kiss, not willing to get into that aspect of things with his brother. “I probably owe her an apology.”

  “I hear she likes daisies.” Caleb winked at him when Warren laughed.

  Every year for her birthday, since the name debacle when they’d first met, Warren had gotten her a huge pot of daisies. Yes, there’d also been a couple of times he’d needed to say he was sorry, and he’d used the flowers then too. She’d planted them around her caboose, something he liked to tease her about.

  “I might have to plant a whole field of them to make up for this.” He sighed. “Assuming that’s even the direction things should go. I don’t know. Maybe I should let the mess take care of itself for a little while, see what happens. What is it you and Brooke always tried to teach me—if you don’t know what to do, maybe you shouldn’t do anything?”

  “In some cases, yes. Listen to your instincts, but don’t let things fester. Like I said, you two are bonded. You’re almost what I’d call best friends, and I’d hate to see you lose that if you don’t have to, even if nothing comes of the other. Whatever the case, we’ll be here for you if you need us.”

  Warren smiled and patted his brother’s arm. “I know. And I love you for it, but don’t repeat that.”

  Caleb pulled him into a headlock and knuckled his hair softly. “Back at you, kid.”

  One thing was certain, Warren thought, as he hit the road a little while later. His brother had given him a hell of a lot to think about.

  Chapter Eleven

  Despite the fact that she wasn’t a morning person, and early morning feedings and turn-outs weren’t her job anymore, Monday morning found Lily in barn three, trying to coax a very reluctant horse into forgiving her.

  “Come on, Rocky Horse. Don’t do this to me.” She rested her head on her arms, which were crossed on the top of his stall door, and made clicking noises with her tongue.

  Knute Rockne was one of the farm’s long-time residents, a retired thoroughbred, and Lily’s horse. She’d fallen in love with him the first time she’d seen him when she was six, and he with her. She was unable to say his name properly, so he quickly became Rocky, and Rocky he’d stayed.

  Now, he had his backside turned toward her. To emphasize his displeasure, he flicked his tail three times and stomped his front foot.

  Lily sighed. “I’m sorry, Rocky. I had to go. It was my job, and I thought you understood that. You had Mom and Dad and Warren and Mickey. I know they doted on you while I was gone.”

  To anyone who wasn’t a horse person, and possibly some who were, her words would have sounded ridiculous. They’d have insisted horses couldn’t understand English, that they were just animals with no concept of the world outside sleeping, eating, and running around. Lily didn’t buy that for an instant. She’d seen too much that proved the opposite. Plus, she knew Rocky was super smart, almost scarily so. He’d never shunned her for long when she’d been away before. Oh, he might pout and make her work a little harder than usual to get his affection back if she’d been gone for a few weeks, but he always came around. This time, he didn’t want a thing to do with her, and it had been nearly a week.

  “I brought you a banana.”

  That garnered her a snort and a shake of his head, but no more. Feeling utterly dejected and rejected, Lily could have cried. She was terribly worried about Molly, who still hadn’t told her what was wrong, and then there was the situation with Warren. To have Rocky so mad at her only
made her feel like an overloaded camel whose back was one straw away from breaking.

  When she heard footsteps, she glanced around to see Warren approaching. Freshly shaven, his brown hair dark and damp from the shower, eyes a little slumberous, the man was too delicious for words. That just increased her consternation, and she scowled.

  “Is he still ignoring you?” He stopped beside her and called Rocky.

  The horse whirled around, ears perked, and trotted over so Warren could scratch behind his jaw.

  “Why am I not surprised?” she asked ruefully. Rocky didn’t so much as look at her, for all the world acting as if she wasn’t there. “I’m persona non grata here. I might as well give up.”

  Warren gave a little shake of his head, his lips lifting at the corners. “He’ll come around. He adores you.” He glanced at her. “You have a minute?”

  She picked at the stem of the banana. “I guess. What’s up?”

  “Not here.” He inclined his head toward the double doors at the end of the barn.

  “Okay.” A private conversation, yay. This is bound to be fun. Lily started after him, making it just a few steps before a sharp, indignant whinny sounded from behind them. She stopped, hands on her hips, and glowered at Rocky, who had his head out of his stall and was watching them with avid curiosity. “You just want the banana.”

  He shook his head slowly, then lifted his chin a couple of times as though to gesture her close.

  Warren chuckled behind her. “Bring him along if he’ll come.”

  “Oh, he’ll come along if he wants this.” She tossed Warren the banana and went back for the horse, relieved when he didn’t withdraw into his stall. “You big lug, come on.”

  Warren was grinning at them as she snapped a lead rope onto Rocky’s halter. The horse followed her as docilely as if he’d not just spent the last fifteen minutes ignoring her.

  “He’s showing off for you, you know,” she told Warren as they cleared the barn and moved to the side of the path that led to the barn’s small corral. “He’d not have a thing to do with me if you weren’t here.”

  “Nah, he’s made his point. He missed you.”

  “I missed him. I hated that I didn’t get back more often, but it just didn’t work out. You have to know I wasn’t ignoring you, silly.” She grimaced as she patted the horse’s shoulder, her face flushing as Warren sent her a pointed look.

  “No, that was me.” He handed the banana over. “I owe you an apology for the way I acted the other day. I was out of line in a number of ways. I’m sorry.”

  Lily studied him as she gave the fruit to Rocky. Remorse was easy to read on Warren’s face. “I don’t know. I rather think I’m the one who owes you the apology.” She ducked her head as Rocky snorted, his soft lips and nose snuffling her hand. “I shouldn’t have run the way I did, and I did ignore you. I am sorry for that.”

  The quiet moment drew out into silence that threatened to stretch into awkwardness.

  Warren exhaled noisily. “I don’t like how things have become between us.”

  Lily’s breath caught in her throat, but she didn’t think he heard it. “I don’t either. Where do we go from here though?”

  Warren walked over to the fence, and he shrugged. “I don’t know. We were friends, I thought.” He looked over his shoulder at her, his face guarded. “I’d like to think we can be again.”

  Using the horse nosing into her pockets as an excuse to look away, she swallowed her disappointment. “Maybe.”

  “I mean, we can’t pretend it never happened. But in the scope of things, of you and me, you know. We’re more than just that one night. Right?”

  She wanted to argue that what happened might have just been one night, but it wasn’t unimportant, especially considering the rest of their relationship which really was so much more, or so she’d thought. Pride kept her quiet. “I guess.”

  Warren was watching her closely, and when she lifted her eyes to meet his, they locked. Time slowed as they stared at each other. There was so much she wanted to say, so much she couldn’t dare put into words. For just an instant, she felt as if Warren wanted to say more as well. But his phone gave a soft chime, and the moment was shattered.

  “I should take Rocky out,” she said hurriedly as he checked his phone. “I’ll see you around.”

  Lips pinched, he nodded. “Okay. Are you working today? Here, I mean?”

  She looked back at the barn. “No. Molly’s in for a few days and… I just came down to check on Rocky.”

  He nodded and tapped his phone. “Okay. I have to go find Mickey. See you.”

  For a full minute after he’d gone, she stood there stroking Rocky’s neck. “Maybe I’ll run away from home, and this time, I’ll take you and Molly with me,” she whispered. She leaned into the horse, closing her eyes on a rough sigh. “How did I manage to mess things up so badly, Rocky?”

  The horse didn’t have an answer for her, but he seemed to understand her distress. He nickered at her, nudging her with his nose.

  “What do you say we go for a ride, big guy? Molly won’t be up for a while, and I could use the fresh air.”

  Decision made, she walked him around and back inside, where she set to saddling him. A few minutes later, she ran into Mickey on her way out of the barn.

  “Look at you two! Are you going to let him run, Lily?”

  She smiled. “Yes, and he’s going to let me fly. We should be back in a couple of hours at the outside.”

  She tipped her head at him and gently nudged Rocky’s sides with her heels. As they cleared the busy barns and the corrals, the noise faded. The peaceful morning started to seep into her mind, and the rhythm of the horse’s movements as he cantered worked its way into her bones, familiar and soothing.

  “I just wish you could heal my heart as much as you help heal my soul, but I know that’s something I have to work on all by myself,” she whispered as she leaned over his neck, giving him his lead. And she held on as they flew.

  Chapter Twelve

  Every time Warren talked to Lily, he seemed to make things worse. Their stilted conversation played and replayed in his head all morning like a bad movie. By eleven o’clock, he was beating himself up so harshly, he was almost ready to seek her out and beg for her forgiveness.

  His words, verbal stupidity that slipped out from God knew where, had hurt her. Hell, they’d hurt him. But the more he tried to figure out what to say, the worse it sounded. He could have hugged Mickey for buzzing him when he did. Now, as Warren went through the list of supplies he needed to order for the farm, he cursed that timing and the cowardice that had encouraged him to use the excuse to run.

  “You look pensive,” a soft voice said from behind him.

  Warren turned, a genuine smile forming. “Hey, Doc. I heard you were in town. How are things?”

  Molly Campbell laughed and hugged him. The redhead barely came up to his chin, but her small size hid a wealth of strength. She’d gone to school at the University of Kentucky in Lexington, staying at the farm for a good portion of the time while she was studying to become a nurse practitioner, and Warren had come to think of her almost as a little sister or at least a dear cousin.

  “You know I’m not a doctor, silly man. And things are… going. How about you?” She kept an arm around his waist, smiling up at him.

  He couldn’t tell if she knew about him and Lily or not, and he wasn’t about to ask. “Things are going. You look tired. Have they been working you hard?” She did look as though she’d not been sleeping much, and a pang of concern hit him.

  “It’s not an easy job.” She patted his back and let him go, sipping the iced coffee she held. “I guess I slept the morning away. Ben said Lily gave up on me and came back down here to work after her ride. Have you seen her?”

  He glanced at the clipboard he’d been making notes on, his hands tighten
ing. “Not since this morning. Rocky finally forgave her for leaving him for so long.”

  “Mm, good. How about you?” Molly’s question was casual as she wandered over to fiddle with a lead hanging on the wall.

  Warren swallowed. “Excuse me?”

  “Have you forgiven her?” The look Molly leveled on him nearly had him squirming.

  “You know about us then, about what happened? She told you?”

  When her eyes grew huge, he realized she hadn’t. The sisterly slap that came, swatting fast at his arm, made him grimace but it didn’t hurt at all.

  “There’s an ‘us’ between you? What the hell, Warren? When did that happen? Just how much of an ‘us’ is there? I knew something was going on! She’s been too mopey, even though I couldn’t pry anything out of her. What did you do?” Her eyes were narrowed, her foot was tapping, and anyone with half a brain could tell she wasn’t giving up until she got information.

  He still tried. “Any chance we could talk about something else? The weather, politics, books you’ve read?”

  When she crossed her arms with a huff, he groaned and moved to lean against the wall. They were in the thankfully empty storage barn, and as he tried to figure out what in the world to say, the soft cooing of the mourning doves that nested in the eaves outside reached him.

  “We made a mistake, okay?” he admitted quietly. “I ruined everything. We did, I guess.”

  Molly came nearer to him, arms still crossed, and she tilted her head. “You slept together?”

  He nodded, looking at his feet. “Once. And she left.”

  “Lily left you?”

  His scowl came fast. “Yeah. What, you think I’m the one who ran? No.”

  If the fact that she was laughing softly was any indication, his fierce expression wasn’t intimidating her one bit. Her words, however, were well-aimed missiles. “Oh, Warren Sullivan, you crafty bastard. You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”