Hits & Mrs.

by Karen Stollznow

  “He knew the names and causes of death of people’s loved ones, and he pretended that he suffered their symptoms,” she said. “He even knew that the young daughter of one woman had committed suicide.”

  “That’s not something he’d want to be wrong about,” said Banachek.

  “That’s not something he could be wrong about,” she said. “The audience members were asked to fill out cards with their personal information. Our seats were allocated so he knew exactly who was sitting where in the room…”

  “Aha! That old trick!”

  “I pretended to be a lonely widow hoping to connect with my deceased husband, and guess what? I received an invitation to go backstage for a private reading and I came face-to-face with Gil himself!”

  “He should have seen it coming,” said Banachek.

  “That’s what I said to him!” she laughed.

  Claudia told Banachek about the P-Pass she received during the cheesy meditation, her encounter with the sleazy bodyguard, the lavish after party in the green room, and the weird Mini-Gil who led her to a room for a “private reading”.

  “And there was a bed in the room.”

  “Hmm…that sounds like a few magicians I know,” he said. “But were you able to resist Gil’s charms?” he asked with a laugh.

  Claudia paused.

  It was a long, guilty pause. She recalled the look on Gil’s face when he saw her again, and that annoying little flutter she felt in her chest when she saw him. She thought about how handsome he looked in his suit and that stupid green tie. She was reminded of their playful taunts, his incessant flirting, and how he enjoyed watching her cringe when he spoke about their past together. But Gil had changed. When she knew him as a young man in his early 20s he was a charming ladies man. Now he was a womanizer.

  Then she remembered their passionate embrace, or whatever that was.

  That should never have happened.

  “Claudia? Are you still there?”

  “Yes!” she finally answered. “Of course I resisted his charms! Don’t be ridiculous!” she said with a nervous little laugh.

  “Okay,” he said. “I was worried we’d been disconnected.”

  If Banachek heard the guilt in her voice he was far too much of a gentleman to say so.

  “So, what did you say to Gil?” he asked.

  “I put him on notice,” said Claudia. “I told him that I knew what he was up to and that I’m going to do all I can to expose his scams to the public.”

  “I bet he didn’t take too kindly to that threat.”

  “He didn’t. He said I’m wasting my time attacking people’s beliefs because it will only make them defensive.”

  “He’s right,” admitted Banachek. “It might sound counterintuitive, but you should take his advice. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, as the saying goes. Skeptics have a lot to learn from religious and spiritual groups about how to build community.”

  “Skeptics think they’re right about everything,” she said bitterly.

  “Both sides should listen to each other more,” he said, ever the diplomat.

  “You’re right,” she sighed.

  She felt like she was banging her head against a brick wall.

  “For years I tried to bring Gil down but nothing ever worked. He always came out smelling like a rose while I ended up looking like a fool. I just don’t know where to go from here,” she said.

  “Then I’m glad I called,” said Banachek. “You’ve confronted Gil privately and now I think it’s time that you confront him publicly. I have some contacts. Let me see what I can do to help.”

  “Thank you,” she said in relief.

  What would she do without Banachek’s support?

  At that moment a bowl of unidentifiable meat was delivered to his table. Banachek had accidentally ordered the feijoada instead of the fruit.

  “I’d better go now,” he said. “I thought I’d asked for the bowl of fresh fruit but I think I see a pig’s ear. My Portuguese isn’t too good.”

  She laughed.

  “Bye, Banachek.”

  Claudia hung up the phone and took her purchases to the counter. The sales assistant looked disapprovingly at her selection of drab black underpants.

  “This design is available in other colors too,” she said. “We have some pretty pastels for spring, while white is always a good staple.”

  Claudia blushed as she remembered Gil’s “message” from Aunt Flo. How did he know her period had started? It must have been a guess, or some sort of sick trick.

  But every now and then, he did something that made her wonder…

  “No thanks,” she replied. “ I’ll stick with these for now…”

  Chapter 17

  As part of his nationwide tour, Gil made an appearance on The Julie Davenport Show, hosted by the former model and actress. She was previously the host of Jules!; a daytime tabloid TV show that had its heyday in the 2000s. The line-up was a seemingly endless supply of Ku Klux Klan Grand Dragons, strippers, satanic ritual abuse victims, and people who believed they’d seen Elvis alive.

  The show became particularly infamous for its controversial high-rating episodes, Bigfoot is the Father of my Baby and My Wedding Day Became My Exorcism. Following years of tacky topics, dysfunctional guests, and violent in-studio fights, Julie’s audience became jaded, and so did her producers. Her talk show was on the cutting block until it was successfully rebranded as a self-help program, with a fondness for new age gurus and psychic prognosticators, like Gil.

  Julie’s jaunty theme song began and the host bounced out into the audience, alternatively hugging and high-fiving her excited fans. She wore a tailored black skirt suit with a pop of hot pink to match her lipstick, which was a simple outfit carefully chosen by her personal color analyst and wardrobe team during a meeting disproportionately long for the task.

  Julie stood on the set with her signature in pink lights above her head.

  “Today I have a special treat for you…our guest is the world renown psychic medium Gil Godsend!”

  Gil emerged to thunderous applause, gave Julie an overly familiar hug and a kiss, and sank into a leather couch. He adjusted his pose slightly so that the camera could catch the gleam of his sapphire cufflinks. They matched the color of his eyes, and he’d chosen them with no-less care than Julie’s image consultants.

  “Hello everyone. Thank you for having me, Julie,” Gil said suggestively as he threw her a knowing look.

  “I…I mean we, always enjoy having you, Gil. I’m lucky enough to be able to call Gil my personal psychic and I’ve had many private readings with him over the years,” she said as she shot him back a knowing look. “Gil has just published his latest book Messages From The Other Side, and he’s agreed to “connect with spirits”, as he puts it, for us today. Y’all know a lot about me already, so let’s choose someone from the audience for a reading. Who’s dying to hear from a spirit?”

  She laughed excessively and the crowd cheered.

  “As I say in my book,” said Gil, “there are many deceased family members and friends who are anxious to pass on messages to their loved ones, so it’s not up to me to decide who is read.”

  He stood up and walked to the front of the stage.

  “My spirit guides tells me to start here,” he said, pointing to the right of the audience. “I’m picking up an “R” name. It could be Rose, Rosie, or Rosemary.”

  Several hands shot up.

  “This lady passed recently,” he added, which narrowed the field to a few hopeful faces. Gil raced into the audience towards a woman in the third row. She wore a bright orange sweater and a bad perm that made her look like a poodle. He touched her shoulder gently, “You just lost your mother, dear…”

  “Yes,” she answered, “My Mom was Rosemary. Her friends called her Rosie.”

  Gil took her hand.

  “I sense that your relationship with Mom wasn’t always perfect, and there were times when the two of you clas
hed. She’s saying something about a friend she disapproved of when you were a teenager,” he said.

  “My best friend Melanie?” she said in surprise.

  “That’s her. Mom believed that Melanie encouraged you to get into trouble in school and do all kinds of rebellious things.”

  “That’s right!” she said in amazement. “Melanie and I were caught smoking various things, a few times in school. We used to skip classes and go to the mall. We even got matching tattoos on our lower backs. Mom was horrified! She couldn’t believe I got a tramp stamp,” she chuckled, as the audience laughed along with her.

  “But what Mom didn’t know was that the trouble-maker was often you,” Gil revealed. “You masterminded many of the schemes, but Mom always blamed Melanie.”

  “Oh my God! That’s so true!” she admitted. “I was the bad influence. I put my poor mother through a lot...”

  “That was a long time ago. You and Mom eventually grew close over the years, to the point that she wasn’t only your mother, but also your best friend,” Gil said.

  “Yes,” she agreed with a sad smile as treasured memories of shopping, cooking, and conversations with her mother flashed through her head.

  “I feel there’s a part of Mom that’s physically close to you right now,” he said. “You’re wearing something she wore. Perhaps a wedding band that belonged to her.”

  “I am,” she confirmed as she twisted the well-worn ring around her finger. “It originally belonged to my grandmother. The very moment Mom died I slipped the ring off her finger and slid it straight onto mine, so it didn’t get cold. I’ve worn it ever since and I never take it off,” she said as tears trickled down her cheeks.

  “That ring will always contain her energy and be a protective amulet for you,” Gil added.

  Then he looked puzzled.

  “Mom says something about a butterfly…”

  The woman thought about this for a second.

  “Oh yeah! I saw a butterfly in the garden yesterday. A beautiful blue butterfly.”

  “That butterfly was Mom’s spirit trying to get your attention,” Gil explained.

  “Oh my God!” she gasped. “It fluttered around me in the yard and even landed on my hand. Blue was Mom’s favorite color too!”

  “Seeing a butterfly will always be a sign that she is around,” he said. “Now, Mom has a final message for you. She says she loves you, and that she’s always watching over you. Motherhood is a bond that survives even death...”

  Gil ended his reading to thunderous applause. He gave a warm hug to the woman, and to her delight, he planted a kiss on her rosy cheek.

  She was always a fan of Gil Godsend, but now she was a fanatic.

  Julie’s show was no longer considered trash TV, but she was not averse to injecting some conflict and confrontation into each episode.

  “Thank you for that heartwarming reading, Gil,” she raved. “And now we have a little surprise for you,” she said with a wicked glint in her eye.

  “I sense you’re about to introduce someone from my past…” he smiled calmly.

  “Oh, you’re good,” she purred. “Yes! We have your arch nemesis in the audience…Ms. Claudia Cox!”

  Gil smiled gleefully.

  The camera zoomed in on Claudia who was lost deep within the crowd. She was pissed off that she was relegated to being a member of the audience, while Gil, the supposed “expert”, was high up on stage beside the host.

  “Claudia is a professional skeptic who has spent many years trying to debunk Gil Godsend and other psychics,” Julie said.

  The applause for Claudia was far less enthusiastic than it had been for Gil. There were even a few slow claps. Nobody likes a skeptic.

  “A bit of healthy skepticism is a good thing, and I used to be a cynic myself…until I met Gil,” Julie gushed. “But you, Claudia, have made an entire career out of believing in nothing!”

  “Skeptics aren’t cynics,” Claudia corrected her. “Well, they shouldn’t be. Good skeptics say, ‘Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brain falls out’,” she laughed. Alone.

  “You just witnessed Gil’s incredible psychic reading of a total stranger,” Julie enthused. “So, how do you explain that?” she challenged her.

  “Psychic abilities can be explained as parlor tricks,” she replied. “Mr. Godsend just used a technique known as cold reading. This involves reading a person’s body language, analyzing the way they dress and the jewelry they wear, and making guesses and vague statements that apply to everybody.”

  “So you’re saying Gil fooled the lady in the audience?” Julie pressed her.

  “I think he fished for information which he then fed back to her. This gave the appearance that it was coming from some mysterious source,” Claudia explained. “But she was the one who supplied him with all of the specific details he needed to seem convincing.”

  Gil sat back in his seat comfortably and allowed his fans to defend him.

  The woman in the orange sweater was outraged by the accusations made against the handsome young man onstage that had given her such an accurate reading, and a lovely kiss. Julie darted to her with a microphone in hand.

  “Gil is no phony!” she cried indignantly. “He knew my mother’s name and her nickname. He knew that my best friend from high school was Melanie, and that I have a tattoo! He also knew that I’m wearing my grandmother’s wedding ring, and that Mom’s favorite color was blue! There’s no way he could have known these things if he wasn’t in contact with my mother!”

  “You told him these things!” Claudia argued.

  “I did not! My mom did!” she insisted with furious tears, to the strenuous applause of the audience.

  “Perhaps I can demonstrate one of my other psychic abilities to try and impress Ms. Cox?” Gil offered.

  “Whaddaya think, guys?” Julie asked the audience who responded eagerly. “You heard ‘em, Gil! Go for it!”

  “I’m going to do a demonstration of remote viewing,” he said, as he scoped out the audience looking for a subject. “The lady wearing the bright yellow scarf in the second row. Please join me up here.”

  The woman clamored to get up on stage with him.

  “I’m getting that your name has a “c” in it…” Gil said.

  “Yes! I’m Christie!” she replied.

  “Thank you, Christie. Remote viewing is the ability to see a person, place, object, or event remotely, that is, across distance or time. We all have this ability; mine is just more developed than that of most people. In fact, remote viewing is recognized as a scientific field. The U.S. government even funded a multi-million dollar research program into the phenomenon.” He turned to Christie. “What I want you to do is to take me home with you in your mind…”

  “I think there are many women in the audience doing that right now!” quipped Julie.

  Gil and the audience laughed.

  “Right now, I want to go home with Christie. I want to see her street, and the inside and outside of her house. I’ll describe what I see and she’ll verify everything that I’m seeing.” He grabbed Christie’s hand and held it tightly. “Are you ready?”

  “Yes,” she said as her hand began to sweat at his touch. She’d had a crush on Gil for many years.

  Gil closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead in concentration.

  “Christie, I’m going down the street towards your home. Okay, I’m seeing palm trees and a “For Sale” sign in a front yard.”

  “That’s right!” she yelped in excitement. “My street is lined with palm trees and one of my neighbors is selling his house.”

  “Good. Christie, I’m outside of your home. I see a brown-colored house that’s two stories high. There is a garage to one side. I see trees in the front yard.”

  “Yes, that’s my house! It’s painted a cream-color and we have a two-car garage. We have several oak trees in the front yard,” Christie confirmed.

  As Gil remote viewed Claudia busily scribbled notes for her rebutt
al.

  “Now, Christie, I’m walking up to your house slowly,” he said. “There’s something strange about the path or lawn leading up to your house…”

  “Yes. The roots of one of the oak trees have grown under the path, so the slabs of concrete have cracked. We need to cut down the tree and get the concrete repaved,” she said.

  Gil held his hand up to his ear.

  “Now I’m hearing something as I approach the house. It’s a bell or a tinkling noise. I also hearing a dog barking in the distance,” he said.

  “That’s right! We have wind chimes hanging in our backyard that make a tinkling noise in the breeze. And our neighbor’s dogs bark and howl all day and night. We’ve had to file a formal complaint to Animal Care,” she added.

  “That’s good, Christie. I see something else outside… As I approach the front door there’s some sort of aquatic animal. It might be a fish or a dolphin,” Gil said.

  “Wow!” she cried. “I have a dolphin door knocker!”

  “Very good. Now, Christie, I want you to open the front door and enter your home… Okay, I’m walking down a short hallway. I see the kitchen to the right. I see a living room to the left with polished wooden floors…and I see stairs ahead.”

  “We have a hallway leading to the kitchen and living room, which is carpeted. There are stairs ahead leading to the upstairs bedrooms.”

  “Look around you in the living room.” He paused. “I’m seeing a statue. It could be wooden or brass. It seems to have some kind of religious or spiritual significance.”

  “Yes! I have a jade statue of Buddha on the mantelpiece!” she said excitedly.

  Gil gave an exhausted exhale, signaling that he had finished his remote viewing session.

  “Thank you so much, Christie,” he said. “Can I get a round of applause for her?”

  The audience went wild. It was clear whose side they were on.

  “Claudia,” Julie sniffed. “Are you gonna tell me that was cool reading too?”

  “Cold reading,” she corrected the host. “And yes, it was. “For Sale” signs, garages, trees, wind chimes, and barking dogs are all common sights and sounds in any neighborhood.”