Hits & Mrs.

by Karen Stollznow

  “Get up and walk!” he commanded. “Make the devil mad!”

  The man threw away his back brace, hobbled across the stage and claimed his cancer was cured. But it wasn’t. He died two months later when his vertebra collapsed because of the strain placed on it during his “healing”.

  At another service, there was a woman suffering from uterine cancer who wanted to be healed. Jimmy Lee promised to “burn that cancer” right out of her body! But God didn’t tell Jimmy Lee that the woman was really a man. In fact, the man had followed Jimmy Lee from show to show and been cured of six different diseases in six different cities, under six different names and two different sexes.

  During his healing services, it seemed as though Jimmy Lee was receiving messages from God, but it turned out that God was Jimmy Lee’s third wife, Cindy Sue.

  “Jiiiii-mmy Lee!” she sang into the microphone. “I love you. I hope you can hear me or this show will be over real fast!”

  He was wearing an earpiece and receiving messages from her via a radio transmitter. Personal information about the crowd was collected on prayer request cards before the show and Cindy Sue was feeding names, addresses, and ailments to Jimmy Lee, which he fed back to the audience as though they were divine revelations.

  Jimmy Lee wasn’t talking to God. He was doing hot readings. His followers were born again, but Jimmy Lee treated them like they were born yesterday.

  Jimmy Lee’s tricks were exposed on national television. Videotape segments of his healings were played with an audio track of Cindy Sue’s voice as she gave him the information she’d gleaned from the audience. The public was outraged at his blatant deception. At first, Jimmy Lee claimed that the videotape was doctored and showed an actor who impersonated him. He said it was an attack by atheists, communists, and Satan-worshippers who were trying to discredit God’s work. Then he compared his ministry to a game show. “It’s just like The Price is Right.” Then he finally admitted that he used a radio device, but he said it was to communicate with his television crew. He added,

  “My wife occasionally tells me the name of a person who needs special prayer.”

  No one believed him anymore. His ministry soon declared bankruptcy and his career as an evangelical hustler was finally over.

  “I remember Jimmy Lee Mercy,” said Claudia. “Was that his real name?”

  “No,” answered Banachek. “It was a stage name. His real name was plain old James Lee Smith. There are many similarities between evangelists and psychic mediums, but there is a reason I’m bringing up the story of Jimmy Lee Mercy and his downfall. I was looking over photographs from Gil’s live shows and I think I can see an earpiece in his left ear.”

  “What?” Claudia screamed.

  She brought up some photos on her computer, zoomed in on Gil’s left ear and saw a small, shiny plastic object wedged inside. She was angry that she didn’t spot it herself.

  “I see it!” she cried. “That son-of-a-bitch!”

  “I was the one who spotted Jimmy Lee’s earpiece all those years ago, and I suspect Gil is using a similar trick,” said Banachek.

  “Hmm… We already know he asks his audience to fill out cards with their personal information,” added Claudia.

  “He has a show tomorrow night in Walnut Creek.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  Chapter 25

  Claudia sent Ana on the job with the college professor that night so she could prepare to sting Gil instead. She had only one day before attending Gil’s show in Walnut Creek and she needed to research the Jimmy Lee Mercy exposé.

  How was she going to bust Gil?

  Back in the 1980s, Banachek and his team tracked Jimmy Lee for months, attending his shows across the country and uncovering numerous scams. The most damning evidence they discovered was that Jimmy Lee was wearing a hearing aid in his left ear, but this wasn’t because he was hearing impaired. It was a high frequency receiver that allowed him to hear messages transmitted from his wife, Cindy Sue, who fed him the personal information about the audience she’d collected by subterfuge. All the while, Jimmy Lee claimed he was listening to God.

  It turned out that God’s frequency was 39.17 Megahertz.

  The technology had changed over the years. Cindy Sue Mercy carried her power source in a large handbag while Banachek and his team used a truckload of equipment to catch Jimmy Lee. They had an electronic surveillance expert who used a complicated computerized scanning system to locate the frequency used by Jimmy Lee. Today, Claudia only needed a frequency scanner app on her cell phone.

  The next night, the theater in Walnut Creek was packed with thousands of people who were bursting with excitement that the show was about to begin. But there was one person sitting in the audience who was less enthusiastic about being there. Claudia sat hidden in a balcony seat. She didn’t want to be recognized by Gil or his people so she wore a disguise. She dressed down in an oversized black velour tracksuit, which she padded out with extra layers to make it look as if she’d gained a few extra pounds. She wore blue contact lenses and a pair of horn-rimmed glasses with clear lenses. She went without any makeup or jewelry. She covered her hair with a realistic-looking brunette wig that she styled in a bun to cover her earphones. She had an earbud in her left ear only, so she could listen for signals but also hear the show in her other ear.

  Her scanner wasn’t picking up anything yet.

  Was this just a waste of time? She turned down a paying job to attend this stupid show tonight. She could be making money right now instead of chasing Gil. Had she and Banachek made a mistake in thinking Gil was wearing an earpiece? Sure, the photographs looked incriminating at first, but it was hard to tell exactly what, if anything, was in his ear. Could they have been looking at pixilation? Or could Gil have been wearing something totally innocuous in his ear, such as an earplug?

  Claudia wished she was wearing earplugs herself when hypnotic inspirational music began pulsing throughout the theater. Then she wished she had a pair of sunglasses when bright colored lights flashed across her face, making her squint. The smell of sandalwood in the air made her sneeze. She hated attending these shows.

  Gil arrived fashionably late. At 8:15pm he finally leaped out onto the stage wearing a periwinkle blue three-piece suit. He raised his arms up towards the ceiling.

  “Friends, it does my soul good to see so many folks here tonight who have their hearts open to the possibility of communicating with the beyond,” he cried.

  The audience went wild for Gil.

  There were two people on stage although the audience only saw one person.

  “My spirit guide Aunt Tillie is here on stage with me tonight,” he said.

  Then the audience went wild for Aunt Tillie.

  “You can’t see her with your physical eyes but I see her with my eyes and mind, and I feel her in my heart,” said Gil as he patted his chest. “She taught me to have faith in my inner voice so I could become the link between the spirit realms. But I’m just an instrument for the spirits. I’m much like a radio that receives messages from the dead and then transmits them to you, the living.”

  Claudia thought it was ironic that he used a radio metaphor and she laughed to herself. In her left ear she heard static as the scanner went through the bands trying to find a signal. Still nothing.

  “Friends, you were brought here tonight to receive a special message from the spirits,” said Gil. “Listen out for that message, but don’t be sad if your loved one doesn’t appear tonight. Some spirits are louder than others. In their compassion, sometimes your deceased friends and family will stand aside for someone who needs a reading more.”

  Or they’ll stand aside because Gil didn’t have insider information about them, thought Claudia.

  “Let us do a unity ritual to open the door to the spirit realm,” said Gil. “I want y’all to stand up, greet each other, and shake each other’s hands.”

  The audience members duly stood up, introduced themselves, and shook hands with thos
e people around them. Claudia felt like she was at a church service. With Gil’s pastel blue suit and his sermon-like introduction, she had to agree with Banachek’s comparison between evangelists and psychic mediums.

  “Friends, now the link between the worlds is fortified. Let’s experience something beautiful together,” Gil said to thunderous applause.

  There still wasn’t a signal on Claudia’s phone. She looked at her watch. It was now 8:30pm.

  “Why am I still here?” she mumbled to herself as she drummed her fingers on the arms of her seat impatiently.

  At that moment she thought she heard a rustling sound through her earphone.

  Then a male voice spoke.

  “Boss. This is Ted. I hope you can hear me or you’re gonna be in some deep shit, dude!”

  A bolt of electricity ran through Claudia’s entire body.

  “There’s a hot piece of ass in the first row on your right,” said Ted. “She’s the blonde wearing a red sweater. Her name is Carla.”

  Gil walked to the right of the stage.

  “My spirit guide has a message for Carla,” he said. “Who’s Carla? Is there a young lady by that name sitting here in the front row?”

  A blonde woman in a red sweater acknowledged Gil by raising her hand. He ran to her with his microphone.

  Claudia caught Gil red-handed! Ted was feeding information about the audience members straight to Gil who was repeating it like they were revelations coming to him from the spirit world. This was just like the Jimmy Lee Mercy scam all those years ago!

  “I’ve got you now, you fucking bastard,” she said through a sly grin.

  “Carla had a bun in the oven but the baby girl was stillborn,” Ted informed Gil.

  Claudia gasped. This was horrible.

  “Sister, I feel that you just suffered a loss,” said Gil softly.

  “Yes,” Carla said in a faint voice.

  “You…gave birth to a stillborn baby girl.”

  “Oh my God,” she whispered, her voice cracking with pain.

  “The baby died at 38 weeks,” added Ted.

  “You were 38 weeks pregnant and the doctors…they couldn’t find a heartbeat… Your baby girl had…passed.”

  Carla responded with a flood of tears. Gil placed his hand on her shoulder.

  “They induced her,” said Ted.

  “Throughout your labor you thought… perhaps this is just a terrible mistake.... maybe my baby will come into this world crying tears of life… but there was silence...”

  Carla could only nod through her tears.

  “She named her dead baby Violet,” said Ted.

  “My spirit guide tells me that Violet arrived safely on the other side,” Gil said. Carla’s sobs increased at the mention of her baby’s name. “Ma’am, don’t give up your faith…I see you cradling a healthy baby boy in your arms within the year…if you just believe!”

  “I believe! Thank you Gil!” Carla gushed in relief and the audience cheered.

  Gil gave her a kiss on the back of her hand but she jumped up and threw her arms around him.

  “Grr… Let me hook you up with her for a private reading and you can make that shit happen!” Ted said with an evil laugh.

  Claudia felt sickened by what she’d just seen and heard. She was appalled by Ted’s crude and callous comments. And how dare Gil promise a woman grieving for her stillborn baby that she’d give birth to a healthy boy within the year?

  “There’s an ugly chick with big tits in the second row,” Ted told Gil. “She’s sitting in the center of the room and wearing a pink shirt. Her name is Patricia.”

  “My spirit guide is bringing me here,” said Gil as he moved to the center of the room. “…Who is Patricia?”

  “That’s me!” a woman in a pink shirt yelled out as Gil rushed over with a microphone. “My name’s Patricia!” she said in a thick, nasal New Jersey accent.

  “Her husband Ian shot himself in the head five years ago. Bang!” said Ted in imitation of a gunshot sound.

  Claudia was shocked by Ted’s insensitivity as he talked about such a tragic death.

  “Sister, there’s a gentleman around you,” said Gil. “He tells me his name is Ian... He’s your husband…I sense that you lost him about five years ago,” said Gil.

  “That’s right, Gil,” she said sadly in her raspy voice.

  “He passed unexpectedly…He was here one minute, then gone the next…”

  “Yes.”

  “He… took his own life… with a gun.”

  “He did,” she said with a sniff and a throaty cough.

  “They have a ten-year-old son named Anthony,” Ted added.

  “Ian wants you to know that he’s sorry for what he did to you and Anthony.”

  “Oh, God!” she sobbed as her body was wracked with tears and a smoker’s cough.

  “I’d fucking kill myself if I was married to her too, with a voice like that, even with those big titties of hers!” joked Ted.

  Claudia shook her head in disgust.

  “Ma’am, your husband misses you but he doesn’t want to see you on the other side just yet,” said Gil. “He wants you to quit smoking immediately. Your work on earth is not done. You are here for a purpose. You need to be around to raise your son.”

  “I will quit, Gil! I promise!” she said as she placed her hand on her heart and the audience cheered.

  “Nice cold reading, Boss,” said Ted admiringly. “She sounds like a packet-a-day woman,” he observed. “Okay! Love ‘em and leave ‘em. Time to move on.”

  “Ian is whole again on the other side… He says he loves you…and goodbye, for now…” ended Gil.

  “There’s a guy nearby. His name is William,” said Ted.

  “The energy is leading me to a man named William in this same part of the room,” said Gil as he waved his hands in that general direction.

  Three hands shot up into the air.

  “I hate these common fucking names,” said Ted. “Let’s narrow it down a bit. His friends call him Bill.”

  “I feel that he goes by the nickname Bill,” said Gil.

  But only one hand went down.

  “When several people believe a message is for them I call it Psychic Confusion. I need to be certain that the message I have goes to the right person.”

  “The guy you want is the faggot in the fancy clothes,” added Ted.

  Gil approached a man with his arm raised who was wearing a houndstooth blazer, a scarf and a hat.

  “Brother, my spirit guide directed me to you,” said Gil.

  “His mother kicked the bucket in January,” Ted told him.

  “I’m sensing a January connection,” said Gil. “I feel that you lost someone close to you that month… it was… your mother…”

  Bill burst into tears.

  “Fucking mama’s boy,” said Ted unsympathetically. “She died in a car accident.”

  “I can see a terrible car accident,” said Gil. Bill nodded. “I’m getting pains in my chest…I feel suffocated… Your mother… she died in that car crash…”

  “Yes,” he sobbed.

  “He was driving,” said Ted. “He killed his own fucking mother, the asshole!”

  “She says it wasn’t your fault,” said Gil. “You are not to blame.”

  “Oh, thank you, Gil!” Bill cried.

  “The little queer is wearing one of her diamond stud earrings.”

  “You have a memento of your mother with you now…” said Gil. “I feel it’s something you’re wearing…maybe an earring?”

  “I wear one of her diamond earrings,” he confirmed between sobs. “My wife wears the other earring.” He wrapped his right arm around the attractive young woman sitting beside him.

  “That’s his wife?” Ted barked. “How did a fucking homo score a hottie like that?” he asked in outrage. “How about I stall him afterwards so you can show her what it’s like to get fucked by a real man?”

  Claudia was infuriated. Ted had no respect for th
e audience members.

  “His left arm was paralyzed in the accident,” added Ted.

  “My spirit guide tells me that you suffer from paralysis of your left arm because of the accident,” said Gil.

  “That’s right.”

  “My spirit guide wants me to lay hands on you,” said Gil. “Brother, do you believe that the spirits are able to heal you today?”

  “Yes, I do!”

  “Then stand up.”

  The man stood and Gil placed his hands above his head.

  “I want you to feel the healing coming through… Feel the healing coming through… Feel the healing…Feel it…Feel it…Feel it…NOW!” Gil shouted as the man fell down flat. Gil helped him back onto his feet. “Raise your left arm!” Gil ordered. The man raised his left arm and the audience gasped. “Open and close your hand.” He opened and closed his hand. “Let me shake that hand that used to be paralyzed!” said Gil as the men shook hands.

  “Thank you, spirits!” Gil cried.

  The audience went hysterical.

  “I don’t have any more gossip on that pussy so move on to the fatty taking up two seats on his left,” said Ted. “She’s so fat she could be a contestant on The Price Is Right.”

  Gil turned to the heavy-set woman.

  “We have a Spirit Tailgater!” he announced. “This is when a spirit associated with someone nearby takes advantage of the psychic connection and interrupts the reading,” he explained. “Sister, my spirit guide led me to you.”

  “Her name is Claudia,” said Ted. “Hey, isn’t this your ex-girlfriend?” he chuckled. “The resemblance is amazing!”

  Claudia inhaled sharply and felt her face turn red with rage.

  “I can’t stop thinking about the name… Claudia,” said Gil. “Is that your name?”

  The woman’s face lit up.

  “Yes, it is!”

  “Her father Jim died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago,” said Ted.

  “I have a message from Jim… He says… he’s sorry that he didn’t have time to say goodbye… His heart attack took him away from you too soon.”