Hits & Mrs.

by Karen Stollznow

  Claudia hadn’t seen her friend in years and it was a happy reunion.

  They toasted Gil’s downfall with glasses of sangria.

  “First of all, nice job busting Gil Godsend!” Banachek praised her, as their server brought over a plate of plantains with black beans and sour cream. “I’m very proud of you. I couldn’t have done a better job myself.”

  “Thank you,” she blushed. She was flattered to hear this from her hero. “Your support was far more valuable than you’ll ever know. It really got me through this.”

  “I was happy to help,” he said. “I only wish I could have seen the look on Gil’s face when he realized he was busted.”

  “I imagine it was similar to Jimmy Lee Mercy’s expression when you busted him!” Claudia said with a smile. Then the smile disappeared from her face. “You know, it was really strange. At first I had a lot of public support for what I did but within a few days people turned on a dime. They went from attacking Gil and praising me to attacking me and defending him.”

  “That’s what I wanted to talk with you about,” Banachek said grimly.

  The salsa song ended and the din in the room died down. He looked to the floor and shook his head. The atmosphere suddenly turned dark and ominous. Claudia looked around the room and whereas before she noticed the upbeat colors and bright lights, now the macabre décor leaped out at her instead, the evil eyes, black candles, and skulls.

  She felt uneasy.

  “Okay…” she said hesitantly.

  “When I told you about the Reverend Doctor Jimmy Lee Mercy I never got to finish the story,” he said. “After Jimmy Lee was exposed as a fraud, he made a comeback.” Banachek leaned back into his chair and sighed heavily. The music started again, but now it was more somber. “Well, he never really made a comeback because he never really left…”

  Banachek and his team had uncovered a shocking tale of trickery and deceit on the part of the Reverend Doctor Jimmy Lee Mercy who had used his religious authority to mislead millions of people. His followers believed that he received divine revelations from God during his faith healing services. It turned out that he wasn’t hearing the voice of God; he was hearing the voice of his wife who passed on personal information about members of the audience. Jimmy Lee was exposed as a con artist on national television and his ministry went bankrupt.

  After Jimmy Lee was revealed to be a charlatan he fled the country. He lay low for a year or so, but he was eventually tracked down to South America like he was a Nazi criminal in hiding at the end of World War II. He settled down in Noiva do Cordeiro, a remote farming village in the south-east of Brazil that was known for its sweet tangerines, banana plantations, and bougainvillea plants. Soon the village also became known for healing. It was God’s will that Jimmy Lee begin faith healing again.

  He grew his hair long, he grew a beard, and he donned a linen suit in white, the color of spirituality, truth, and purity. Jimmy Lee Mercy transformed into Diego de Deus, or James of God, and he founded the Casa de Amor, a spiritual healing sanctuary.

  His fame spread quickly.

  James of God was believed to be a modern day Jesus who could cure everything from cancer to blindness, although he was very humble about his gift.

  “I do not cure anybody,” he said. “I am merely an instrument in God’s divine hands,” he said with a slight southern accent.

  From around the world, thousands of people made pilgrimages to the Casa de Amor every week to be healed. The steady stream of visitors also dressed in white clothing as they waited for hours or even days to be received by James of God. During the healing session, he prayed as he stroked his hands down the person’s body, casting out the evil spirits causing the disease. He became known as The Stroker for this healing technique.

  James of God was said to heal a million people every year. He didn’t charge a fee for his services, although he welcomed donations. He also prescribed an obscure herb to every person he saw. Fortunately, this herbal remedy was available from his sanctuary.

  James of God’s time in Brazil wasn’t without scrutiny. He was ordered to stop his activities by the Roman Catholic Church, but he argued they had no authority over him, only God did. On several occasions he was arrested for practicing without a medical license, but he argued that he wasn’t a medical doctor, he was a spiritual healer, and they had no authority over him, only God did.

  Following the deaths of several of his acolytes, the herbal remedy was tested and found to contain Psilocybe Mexicana, the hallucinogenic mushroom.

  Then James of God was accused of molesting one of his patients. He performed spiritual surgery on a woman’s breasts although she suffered from a brain tumor. It seemed as though he always stroked the breasts of his female patients regardless of what ailed them.

  Noiva do Cordeiro was infamous for having a disproportionate population of women, and they all needed healing. Mercy fathered four children during his time in the village, and each child to a different mother. It was here that he met his fifth wife, Maria Susana, who was thirty years his junior.

  Ten years later, Jimmy Lee Mercy left Brazil. He had been the subject of too many scandals during his time there, and besides, he couldn’t watch The Young and the Restless and Brazilian supermarkets didn’t stock cheese in a can. He resurfaced in the United States and founded Mercy Ministries in Sebastopol, California. He ditched the bumpkin-sounding Jimmy Lee in favor of the more sophisticated Reverend Doctor James Mercy. He cut his hair short, shaved off his beard, dumped his white clothes and started wearing fine suits. He was a little greyer although he was still as handsome and charismatic as ever.

  He was born again.

  Then he began to resurrect his career.

  Mercy was soon back to his old tricks, but with a new twist. He began peddling “miracle spring water” during early morning and late night broadcasts on popular cable TV programs. He claimed the miracle water was drawn from a spring in Japan, near the site of the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster. Miraculously, animals and people who drank from the spring were spared radiation sickness. He told his audience that drinking the water would provide miraculous protection from sickness for them too, and also eliminate their debts, repel curses, and attract blessings from God.

  “This miracle spring water is a spiritual detox for your soul,” he promised.

  In their droves, people sent in their hard-earned money and gave testimonials of the water’s power, even though it was tested independently and shown to be tap water.

  With his success in merchandizing god, Mercy branched out into holy relics. He began selling blessed coins, holy crosses, hallowed anointing oil, miraculous rings, sacred shoe liners, divine Dead Sea salt, and prayer handkerchiefs impregnated with Mercy’s sanctified sweat. He said that he mopped his brow personally with each piece.

  “I give these gifts free to anyone seeking the love of Christ!” he said.

  Sure, they were free to receive, but to unlock their miraculous powers you had to donate money to Mercy first.

  “Give, and it will be given to you (Luke 6:38),” he added.

  Once people donated money they didn’t receive their miracles, but they did receive numerous solicitation letters requesting more money.

  The divine Dead Sea salt was tested independently and proven to be table salt instead, but this didn’t affect sales because you can’t test scientifically for God’s glory.

  Then Mercy Ministries turned commercial and produced a line of holy grocery items.

  “Jesus should be in your heart! Jesus should be in your mind and your thoughts! And now, with my line of food products, Jesus can be in your stomach too,” he said.

  He sold a selection of breads, bagels, pastries, and tortillas under the label Our Daily Bread. There was a range of breakfast foods and cereals, catering to different denominations, including Pope Tarts, Lord Loops, Second Coming Crunch, Cruci-Chex, Raisin’ the Dead Bran, Special ✝, Pro Life, and Prayer Puffs. They manufactured laundry detergent, dishwash
ing liquid, soap and other cleaning supplies to wash away your stains, and your sins. They even had a line of personal care items, such as deodorant, feminine products, and Blood of Christ-flavored toothpaste. His foray into groceries ended when it was discovered that Khrist Krispies contained Psilocybe Mexicana, the hallucinogenic mushroom.

  With the advent of the Internet, Mercy decided he would corner the online religious market. His new mission, Virtually God Ministries, was the first to offer live interactive prayer, chat room confessionals and on demand sermons.

  “Now you can sleep in on Sunday mornings and praise the Lord in your pajamas!” he said.

  Doing away with the prayer request box, Mercy Ministries accepted online prayer requests, promising that a virtual congregation of millions would pray for each request until it was fulfilled, for a small fee. Mercy Ministries was also the first organization to offer instant ordination. This became so popular that they began to sell other titles, including exorcist, archbishop, cardinal, and even sainthoods for people who were dead or alive.

  “Because you deserve a sainthood,” he said.

  Mercy preached that if you believe in God, you have to believe in Satan too.

  “Not believing in the devil won’t protect you from him,” he warned.

  He believed that the devil was actively at work in the world. For Mercy, there was a demon lurking around every corner. Sickness, poverty, relationship problems, and bad luck were all curses caused by demons.

  “Everyone is possessed by the devil!” he cried.

  Everybody was possessed by the devil, except Mercy, of course. He claimed to be the world’s leading exorcist and that he had dealt with more demons than anyone on the planet. To cast out the demons that attack and destroy Christians, Mercy offered exorcisms in person, on the phone, or online. He also starred in Devil of a Job, a reality TV series about his work.

  The number one spiritual enemy that Mercy encountered was Jezebel, the evil spirit responsible for lust, sexual addiction, and pornography. He made it his personal mission to save people working in the sex industry.

  “God’s desire is that we stay pure and use our bodies as tools for His use and glory,” he said.

  He started XXX Ministries, a Christian outreach program based in Las Vegas, to give sex workers the opportunity to receive salvation and eternal life. Mercy encouraged them to turn away from their sinful lifestyles and turn to God. He taught that Jesus loved them, despite their morally depraved and disgraceful lifestyle. He also founded the Bibles for Bimbos scheme, in which Mercy personally distributed Bibles to sex workers on the streets, and in strip clubs and brothels across the country.

  This is how he met his sixth wife, Sue.

  Jimmy Lee Mercy went from one scam to the next.

  If there was anything miraculous about him it was his ability to reinvent himself.

  “In the end, our exposé of Jimmy Lee Mercy was nothing but a temporary setback to his career,” said Banachek.

  “But you destroyed him at the time!” Claudia cried.

  “Only for a little while,” he said. “You see, Jimmy Lee was never a faith healer. He was always a con artist. He’s very good at being a con artist too, so naturally he was going to go back to it. What else would he do? He wasn’t going to turn over a new leaf and suddenly become a firefighter or a volunteer with the Red Cross.”

  Claudia was so outraged that she had to order a coconut flan for dessert.

  “How did Jimmy Lee develop a cult of personality all over again?” she asked. “How did his followers get past his crooked past?”

  Banachek poured them both another glass of sangria.

  “There’s no one answer,” he said. “Jimmy Lee fled to a different part of the world where no one knew about his history and he reinvented himself there. By the time he returned to the States many people had forgotten about him and what he did, while the media has a short attention span. The true believers had their fingers in their ears the whole time. They never believed he did anything wrong in the first place. Other people simply forgave him. He’s a man of God, they thought. He’s trying to redeem himself. Some of his followers were isolated from the story in the first place. They watch The 700 Club but not the news or late night talk shows and so they never heard about his downfall. Then Jimmy Lee also acquired a whole new generation of followers who didn’t know he had a shady past.”

  “Surely this story isn’t typical,” Claudia said. “He just got lucky, right?”

  Banachek shook his head.

  “Unfortunately, Jimmy Lee Mercy isn’t the only one,” he said. “Dishonest evangelists, healers, and psychic mediums; all of these charlatans follow a formula. They make their fortunes deceiving their followers. Sooner or later, they’re exposed for being frauds. They lay low for a while and then they rise again like phoenix from the ashes. They can’t lose. When we knock down their walls they rebuild them. No matter how badly they’re exposed, they always bounce back and usually bigger than before. Decades later, Jimmy Lee Mercy is still going strong. He’s worth more than ever. If anything, his fall helped to boost his career. He once said, “You can’t make a comeback without taking a fall”.”

  Claudia was silent as she thought about all of this for a while.

  “Are you warning me that this is what will happen with Gil too?” she asked.

  Banachek nodded. “Psychics are predictable.”

  Claudia could already see signs of this happening, without Gil having to do anything. Had he planned his own fall? That would be just like him. It seemed as though he was going to lay low for a time and make a comeback, just like Jimmy Lee Mercy.

  Gil Godsend seemed infallible.

  She signed in frustration.

  “When will this end?” she asked.

  “This is an end,” said Banachek. “But the moment that something ends, something else begins.”

  “So, should I just get off the merry-go-round right now? Should I quit while I’m behind?”

  “Not at all,” he said. “Your work is very important. You’ve helped many people over the years. You change minds with what you do, but you’ll never be able to change everyone’s mind.”

  Claudia ordered another coconut flan and Banachek poured them both another glass of sangria.

  Chapter 37

  Claudia arrived at work, made herself a cup of coffee and sat down in her office to catch up on the news. The story of the day was that popular TV psychic Celeste Stone, Gil’s former sugar mama, was facing criminal charges for defrauding the wife of a politician who had come to her seeking spiritual advice. Stone convinced the woman that her husband’s affair with his intern was caused by a 200-year-old curse that required an expensive cleansing ritual, and then another one, and then another one. Stone told her victim that harm would come to her and her family if she didn’t keep paying up. She bilked the woman of almost a million dollars.

  This was the third famous psychic who had been exposed by the media in as many months. Since Claudia busted Gil Godsend it seemed the tables were finally turning on psychics. Maybe Banachek was wrong this time?

  When Claudia got home from work that evening she was too tired to cook dinner so she made herself a bowl of Raisin Bran.

  “Raisin’ the Dead Bran,” she said to herself with a laugh, thinking of Jimmy Lee Mercy’s line of breakfast cereals. She was about to take a mouthful when her phone rang. It was obviously an overseas number and it looked somewhat familiar, but she couldn’t place it. She was going to let the call go to voicemail but her curiosity got the better of her.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, Claudia,” said a deep voice that sent a bolt of electricity through her body.

  It was Gil.

  “Well, if it isn’t Gil Godsend,” she said through a little smile that she tried to hide. “Why are you calling me?”

  “Is that any way to greet your former fiancé?” he said with mock surprise. “It’s been six months since I last saw you and I’ve been waiting patiently
for your call.”

  “A real psychic would know that I was never going to call.”

  “Oh, I predicted I was going to receive a call,” he said. “I just didn’t know it would be from Nurse Nicole thanking me for the bunch of roses.”

  Claudia chuckled.

  “Where are you?” she asked.

  “I’m calling from beneath a coconut tree on a beach in Caye Caulker. I’m laying on the sparkling white sand, staring at the emerald waters, and feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin,” he teased, knowing that it was the rainy season in the San Francisco Bay Area.

  Claudia remembered the phone number Gil wrote on the card with the flowers. She had traced it to Belize.

  “So…that’s in Belize?” she asked.

  Okay, he wasn’t in South America like Jimmy Lee Mercy, he was in Central America, but that was close enough.

  “It’s an island off the coast of Belize in the Caribbean Sea,” he said precisely. “It was formerly known as British Honduras until 1973. Belize remained a British colony until September 21, 1981 when it gained independence. Then…”

  “…Skip the history lecture,” she said with a yawn. “What do you want?”

  “I want you to move here to live with me,” he said frankly. “But I’ll settle for a visit from you.”

  “A coconut must have fallen on your head,” she said with a shake of her head. “I can’t visit you. I’m seeing someone.”

  “Oh, I know all about your boyfriend, Steve Irwin,” he said dismissively. “But do you? Do you know that he once received a fine for possession of cannabis?

  “Um…No, I didn’t. So what? Anyway, you can’t talk. You had a cocaine addiction!”

  “Yes, but I didn’t get caught.”

  “Not getting caught doesn’t mean you’re not guilty.”

  “My point is that you don’t know Jeremy very well.”

  “Why, Gil, you sound jealous!”

  “Of course I’m jealous,” he said matter-of-factly. “But that’s not why I’m saying this. I’m worried about you and I want what’s best for you. Before Jeremy makes that transfer to his San Francisco office and the two of you move in together, you need to ask yourself, how well do you really know him?”