No Surrender

by Sara Arden

  “If that’s how you want it, but I’m going to tell you what I want. I want to see your face when I wake up in the morning. I want to hold you when we go to bed at night. I want to have more babies with you. When we’re old, I want to be surrounded by our grandchildren.”

  “But what if we don’t get old?” It was more than a question; it was a dissection of her heart on her sleeve.

  “Maybe we won’t, but for me, I’d rather spend the time I do have loving you.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “Don’t I?” he asked softly. “Don’t I just? Maybe I wasn’t in love with Lynnie anymore, but I still loved her. I still lost her.”

  Her shoulders slumped. “I know that. I guess I just forget sometimes. I’m caught up in my own feelings.” She shrugged. “My own fears.”

  He just wanted to fix this for her, but he didn’t know how.

  He wanted to fix it for himself, too.

  There was part of him that couldn’t believe this was real. He was going to be a father. He was going to have a family with Kentucky.

  This was everything he’d never known he wanted.

  Thinking of it that way made it sound like less, as if it were somehow insignificant. But it was more. It was a dream he hadn’t known how to dream.

  With Lynnie, he’d just assumed these things were part of their future. The yard, the dog, two kids and a quiet, normal life.

  The idea of those things had started to strangle him, a garrote pulling ever tighter around his neck.

  With Kentucky, it was a golden future.

  For a moment, he wondered if maybe he’d been wrong. What if she’d started to feel like a life with him was like that same garrote tightening around her neck?

  The very idea that he could make her feel that way was an anomaly. Perhaps that was what she’d really been feeling all along, not this strange fear of loss.

  He put his fork down, got up and began putting his food in plastic containers.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “I’m giving you some space. You asked me for it, but I haven’t given it to you. Not really.”

  She stopped eating and stared at him. “I don’t understand.”

  “I went into this with an agenda. I thought if I could just get you to see how happy we could be together, you’d change your mind. If I could prove to you that I could be a good partner, you’d move in with me. Not just for the sake of the baby, but for me. Because you love me. I said I wouldn’t push, but I did anyway.”

  “What changed your mind?” she asked, her face carefully neutral.

  “I was thinking about how I felt with Lynnie and the future we’d planned together in those last days. The way it felt like a noose around my neck. I’d never want to be that for you. So I’m going to go. I’m going to give you that space I promised.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  “I’d still like you to keep me posted about doctor’s appointments and other decisions. Maybe you can choose a house that you like and we could look at it soon. But otherwise, I’m not going to bother you.”

  He didn’t wait for her answer, but instead walked out the door without looking behind him.

  Because if he looked back, he’d never find the willpower to leave.

  So he walked to Eddie’s for a beer.

  He found himself a nice dark corner and sat alone with his lager and all the things he didn’t want to feel.

  Sean thought about getting good and drunk but knew that wouldn’t help anything. He watched the people in the bar and thought about what their lives must be like. If any of them wished they’d done things differently.

  Like Old Man Pike. They called him Old Man as if that were actually his first name. He’d been a fixture at Eddie’s bar since Sean’s father was a kid, he was sure.

  His wife had left him for his brother and he’d never been the same since. Never held a job since. Never did anything but drink up his Social Security check.

  He didn’t want himself or Kentucky to end up that way, so bitter that the only thing that could salve their wounds was crawling into the bottom of a bottle.

  He’d done everything he had to try to make things easier on them both.

  But maybe being with him wouldn’t be easier for her. Maybe he was wrong about her and being able to handle the kind of work he did, the kind of life he offered her.

  As much as it sucked and as much as he claimed he didn’t want to sacrifice himself, he’d do it. Because he wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to follow all of her dreams and catch them in her net, even if it meant not being with him.

  Love wasn’t selfish. It was kind; it was generous. It wasn’t about holding on; it was about letting go.

  That revelation slapped him in the face with a wet towel. He’d been trying to hold on much too tightly.

  She knew how he felt about her and the baby. Knew what he wanted. If she wanted it, too, she’d come to him.

  If she didn’t, it would wreck him, but he didn’t want her unless she came to him of her own free will. Came to him because she wanted a life with him, the life he’d offered and was capable of giving her.

  He knew that she might well not want that. She’d said she couldn’t stand the idea of not knowing where he was, of knowing that he was in dangerous situations. That was asking a lot of her, especially with all she’d been through.

  He took another drink of his lager, trying to stop his head from spinning with all the reasons she had to say no.

  17

  KENTUCKY HAD TO finish Betty.

  She couldn’t explain exactly why, but it was something that had to happen. There wasn’t much left to do. She took one more bite of her food before saving it for another meal. She wasn’t really hungry anyway.

  She hadn’t bothered to take off her coveralls before coming inside to eat, so she headed back down to the shop.

  All that was left was to attach the chrome fender.

  She’d put it off for such a long time. What was she waiting for?

  And then she knew. She was waiting to know what she truly wanted to do with her freedom. Part of her had been waiting for her conscious mind to realize what freedom actually meant to her.

  It wasn’t Betty.

  She was ready to let go of that crutch.

  As she positioned the fender in place and secured it, she realized she was ready to let go of Betty, too.

  It was strangely freeing.

  Like shedding twenty pounds off her shoulders.

  She looked at Betty, and for a moment, she wished Sean were there to see it. This had been so important to her and she wanted to share it with him.

  It occurred to her that if she accepted his offer, this was how things would be. He wouldn’t be here when she needed him.

  She shook the thought out of her head and continued to survey her work until the garage buzzer rang and she went to see who it was.

  Billy Doniphan stood outside with a small box with yellow wrapping, smiling sweetly. She opened the door.

  “Hey, pretty lady.”

  “Hi, Billy. What can I do for you?” She’d just run a diagnostic on his truck, but she was sure that he was trying for more time with her rather than actually needing any kind of service to his truck.

  “I brought you a little present for the baby.”

  “I guess I’d better let you in, then, huh?” She smiled at him and opened the door. “How’d you know I was pregnant?”

  “A town like this? Everyone knows.” He handed her the small package when he stepped inside.

  “Thank you,” she said, accepting the gift.

  “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but it’s Dryden’s baby, isn’t it?”

  Kentucky narrowed her eyes.

  “I don’t mean any disrespect.” Billy held up his hands, as if that could ward off her glare.

  “I guess everyone in this town knows my business anyway. Yes, it’s Sean’s.” Her right hand went protectively to her stomach.
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  “Is he doing right by you?”

  Billy thought he was going to look out for her. She supposed that was nice, even though it wasn’t something she’d asked for or wanted. “Yeah, he’s helping as much as I’ll let him.”

  “Remember what I said about other people in the world?” He looked down but seemed to force himself to meet her gaze straight on. “About me.”

  She nodded.

  “I don’t care that you’re pregnant with another man’s child. I’d be a good partner to you. A good father. I know you don’t want to hear that right now, but later. When you’re alone and you need someone. I hope you think about me.”

  It rankled her that he automatically assumed Sean wouldn’t stand by her. She knew he thought he was saying the right things, but he couldn’t have been more wrong.

  “Billy, I don’t want to be with someone just so I’m not alone.”

  “You might change your mind after the baby comes. It’s hard work raising a child all by yourself.”

  As if she didn’t know that. As if she didn’t understand what hard was. She knew what she was getting into. “I won’t be by myself. Sean will be a good father.”

  “Is he going to marry you?” The way he posed the question suggested he already knew the answer and didn’t like it.

  “It’s not 1867, Billy. I don’t need to be married for any other reason but that I’m in love. I have my own business that does okay. I have insurance. I have a roof over my head. I have friends. My life is actually pretty close to perfect.” Although that was a lie. It wasn’t anywhere near perfect, but with enough work, maybe she could get there. Everything else she’d said was true.

  “There’s a way things are still done in small towns. You want to move to Kansas City, maybe you’d be okay. But here? It was a stretch for these people to bring their cars to you because you’re a woman. Now you’re an unmarried single mother.”

  She knew he was just trying to be helpful, but he was really starting to piss her off. “How does that affect my ability to fix a car?”

  “You know it doesn’t. But it affects the people who live here.”

  “Then I guess they can take their cars elsewhere. Into the city, where they don’t know anything about the mechanic, who can take them for a ride and charge them twice what the work is worth, and contribute to his sinful ways, too. Me, I’m just going to be a mother. Those other guys? Who knows what they’re into, but hey, whatever.” She hated how defensive and angry she sounded.

  But what right did they have to judge her?

  “Kentucky Lee, you know I’m just telling you the truth of it.”

  She sighed. “I know, Billy.” She searched for the right words to say.

  “It’s not like it would be a hardship for me. I’m not offering trying to be self-sacrificing. I’d be honored if you’d give me a chance.”

  Something settled in her chest, heavy but warm. “I’m afraid no one has a chance but Sean. I’ve loved him since we were kids.”

  Fear of losing him and all.

  “I understand.” He nodded slowly.

  “I’m sorry, Billy.”

  “I’m not. I hope you get your happy ending with him. Because the way you feel about him is the way I’ve always felt about you.”

  She didn’t know what to say. The revelation startled her. She didn’t know why, since he’d always been trying to ask her out and she’d always said no. But he kept coming back to the well even though it was always dry.

  He didn’t wait for a response from her. “Open the present.”

  She smiled at him and pulled off the slick yellow paper. Inside was the tiniest pair of soft sole tennis-style shoes with teddy bears stitched into the side.

  Kentucky hugged him. “These are so cute. I love them. It’s the first gift the baby’s gotten.”

  “I’m glad you like ’em. I’m gonna go now.”

  “Hey…” she began.

  “What?”

  She wanted to say something meaningful, but she didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. So all she said was “Thanks.”

  “Anytime.” Billy left and he didn’t look back.

  She didn’t know why she found that to be so significant, but it was somehow. It was about looking forward to the future. Not being stuck in the past.

  And not being afraid.

  She’d never let it control her before, so why was she going to start now?

  Why would she keep hold of a shadow idea when she could have it for real? Sean said he loved her, and he’d never lied to her before. So why shouldn’t she take that at face value?

  Why would she turn her back on the life she’d dreamed of just because deep down, she thought she still didn’t deserve it?

  That was crazy.

  This was everything she’d ever wanted.

  She texted Sean.

  Want to go look at houses tomorrow?

  Pleasant Grove? he responded immediately.

  Yeah. There’s a yellow one with an embossed driveway I’m kind of in love with.

  It was the feature of the local realty flyer. All glossy and perfect on the front page. It was the kind of house she’d seen in magazines.

  If she saw it in person and she loved it, they were going to buy it and she was going to tell Sean if he still wanted her, he was stuck.

  I’ll call the real estate agent.

  I’ll pick you up at ten.

  Excitement and anticipation were like dark knots in her stomach. When Sean left, it had seemed as if something had been broken. She could only hope that she could fix it.

  Although he wasn’t the type to give up without a fight. She had confidence that he meant what he said: he was giving her the space she needed.

  It was true—she’d needed that distance, if only for a moment, to realize what she really wanted, why she was afraid of it and how to get it. Pushing her was like pushing a mule. It never got anyone anything until she was damn good and ready.

  Even herself, it seemed.

  She’d wanted to say yes and had kept trying to push her brain to do what her heart wanted, but it had its own timeline.

  Kentucky went back upstairs to her little apartment and looked at the house again. It was everything she was afraid to want, much like a real future with Sean.

  What in the world would they do with four bedrooms?

  The secret voice in her head that had kept getting louder as the days passed said that they’d fill them with children. The idea of that warmed her from the inside out, a blooming of joy like the petals of a flower unfurling through her veins.

  It was just a little bit scary that she could imagine his boots by hers next to the door.

  This was real and she was going to grab it with both hands.

  She had to talk to Lynnie.

  Last time she went, she’d talked to Eric. Almost as though Lynnie had sent him. But this…this was just for her and Lynnie.

  How crazy was she that she was going to the cemetery in the middle of the night? Probably certifiable, but it couldn’t wait.

  She hopped in Betty and drove the few miles to the cemetery and to Lynnie’s grave.

  As she wandered up the manicured walkway, she wasn’t filled with grief and fear. That wasn’t to say that she didn’t still miss Lynnie with her whole heart—she did. She always would.

  But this was more of a goodbye and a request for her blessing.

  She sat down cross-legged in front of the headstone. “Hey, Lynnie. Things are a little different since the last time we talked.”

  Her eyes stung a bit, but it wasn’t with the same intensity as before. “I finished Betty. I brought her.” She motioned over to the car. “I don’t know why I think you can hear me, but there’s something inside me that’s just really certain you can.”

  She exhaled.

  “Our baby is a girl. I haven’t had an ultrasound yet, but I just know. I feel it. Her name is Anna Lynnette. I hope you’ll watch over her the same way you watched over all of us when you were here
. And I love him, Lynnie. I love him so much that it’s terrifying.”

  Kentucky looked around the cemetery, not really searching for anything in the landscape but more for the rest of the words within herself.

  “Last time I was here I was so afraid it was debilitating. But you and I both know that was no way to live. So now I’m about to jump again and it’s possible there’s nothing to catch me. I mean, I guess that’s always possible.” She shrugged. “I think losing Sean would kill me, but if I don’t leap with him, I’ll lose him anyway, right? Better to take what I can have and drink it all down. Just like anything else in life.”

  She took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling for a long moment as a certain peace settled over her.

  “I’m here to ask for your blessing. I know that you’d want us to keep living, to be happy. But I wanted to ask you out loud. I wanted to come here and speak the words. Fling them out into the universe.”

  For Kentucky, it was as if something clicked into place. Something right. Something that told her everything was going to be okay.

  She was sure that it was just her imagination, but for the briefest instant, she thought she could smell Lynnie’s perfume on the slight rustling breeze.

  18

  SEAN WASN’T SURE what had changed Kentucky’s mind about looking for a house.

  He guessed that changed wasn’t really the word, but what had motivated her to say she was ready to go look.

  He wasn’t going to assume that since he’d given her space, she was suddenly ready to set up house. He’d just try to be grateful that she’d agree to cohabitation and he’d be able to see his child whenever he wanted.

  The roar of the Harley outside signaled that she’d arrived.

  He came out of the motel and she took off her helmet. “Hey.”

  It was a simple greeting, but it seemed to be more than that. Maybe it was the way she smiled. Or maybe it was just that they were going to look at a house to buy together. But something seemed different.

  “Did you get in touch with the Realtor?”

  “Yeah. I thought maybe you might want to get breakfast at Maudie’s first. So I told her to meet us at Pleasant Grove at eleven thirty.”