Not Quickly Broken

by Cronk, LN

  I turned around and sat down on the top step. I stared at a giant spruce tree that was standing in the corner of their yard and waited.

  And waited.

  And waited.

  Eventually I heard the door open behind me and I turned around and looked at Charlotte.

  She looked at me and didn’t say anything.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “Hi,” she answered quietly. When I didn’t say anything else she asked, “Do you want to come in?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. She stepped out onto the porch and after a moment she sat down on the other end of the top step.

  We sat there together in silence for quite a while. I continued staring at the spruce tree. Finally I turned my head and looked at her.

  “Chase came by yesterday,” I said.

  She looked back at me now, obviously confused.

  I waited for a moment and then went on. “He was home when my dad died.”

  “He was?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Dad shot himself in the basement. Chase heard it.”

  “Oh!” Charlotte gasped. She instinctively brought her hand to her mouth, then she lowered it to say, “I’m so sorry, Jordan.”

  I nodded again.

  “Chase panicked,” I continued. “He went down there and found my dad and he got blood all over himself and he thought the police would think he did it and–”

  “Why would the police think that?”

  “He’d already been in trouble with the police for some other stuff and he was afraid they’d think he was lying and . . .” I shrugged.

  “But . . . but it would have been so easy for the police to figure out if he was telling the truth!”

  “I know,” I said, “and he knows too – now. But at the time, he was just . . . he was really scared.”

  “What happened?”

  “He cleaned everything up and put my dad’s body in the trunk of the car and drove it up to the lake and let it roll down an old boat ramp. Then he hitched a ride home.”

  She was staring at me with her mouth agape.

  “He didn’t tell anyone?”

  I shook my head. “He told Tanner eventually, but by then he was afraid he’d really be in trouble for destroying evidence and everything and Tanner figured if nobody had found out about it by then, maybe it was just better to leave well enough alone.”

  “But then somebody found the car,” she said, quietly. I nodded.

  “If Chase had it all to do over again,” I went on, staring out into the yard again, “he would’ve done things differently. He was just . . . he was just really scared. He didn’t have time to think it through and he dug himself into such a hole that later he didn’t know how to get out of it.

  “He didn’t mean to do anything wrong,” I said carefully, looking back at her. “He just panicked.”

  “I get it,” she said.

  I continued looking at her for a long moment.

  “That’s what happened to you, isn’t it?” I finally asked quietly.

  She looked at me questioningly and then said in a small voice, “What do you mean?”

  “When you found out you were pregnant,” I said, “you were scared, weren’t you?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “And you just panicked, so you lied to me,” I went on. “And pretty soon you’d dug yourself into such a hole that you didn’t know how to get out of it.”

  Tears sprung into her eyes, but she still didn’t say anything.

  “Is that what happened?” I asked.

  A tear rolled down her cheek and she nodded. I nodded back at her and then looked away one more time.

  “Last night,” I said, not looking at her, “I was thinking about how you and Chase did pretty much the same exact thing, and I started wondering why I was so mad at you, but I wasn’t mad at him at all.”

  I glanced at her. She was looking at me intently.

  “Do you want to know what I finally figured out?” I asked when she still didn’t say anything.

  “What?”

  “It was because you hurt me,” I explained. “I couldn’t forgive you because you hurt me.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

  “I didn’t come over here for an apology.”

  She wiped a tear away.

  “Do you remember what I promised you right before you told me?” I asked. I glanced at her, but she didn’t answer. “I promised you that you could tell me anything. I promised you that I’d always be there for you.” I gave her a humorless laugh and looked away. “That promise lasted about two seconds, didn’t it? As soon as you told me, I walked out.”

  “I didn’t expect you to do anything else,” Charlotte said softly.

  “I did,” I said. “I expected more from myself.”

  I looked back at her.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  She gazed at me for a moment and then nodded.

  “I’m sorry, too,” she answered.

  I nodded back at her and then we continued to stare at each other quietly.

  “Are you going to Dave and Laci’s?” I finally asked.

  She shook her head.

  “Why not?”

  “I just don’t feel like going,” she answered, shrugging her shoulders slightly.

  “Come on, Charlotte,” I said. “It’s your last chance to see everybody before you go off to school.”

  She shook her head again.

  “Everybody’ll be disappointed if you don’t go,” I told her.

  She looked at me uncertainly.

  “Come on,” I said one more time.

  She bit her lip and then finally agreed. “Okay,” she said. “Maybe just for a little while.”

  She went into the house to get her shoes on and while she was gone, the garage door opened and Mrs. White pulled out. After she’d driven away, Charlotte came back out onto the porch and we started walking down the driveway together.

  “When do you go to school?” I asked.

  “Thursday.”

  I nodded.

  “What about you?”

  “I fly out Monday,” I said.

  “Oh.”

  “Have you got your schedule yet?”

  “Yeah,” she answered.

  “What classes are you taking?”

  “Organic Chemistry, Digital Systems, Intro the Theater . . .” she stopped walking and so I did too. She turned to face me. “Jordan?”

  “What?”

  “I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “I don’t want to go to Laci and David’s,” she said.

  “Why not?”

  “I can’t do this,” she said again, shaking her head and waving her hand in the air between us.

  “Do what?”

  “Make small talk . . .” she explained. “Act like everything’s okay . . .”

  She looked at me and I didn’t answer her.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I know we’ve forgiven each other and everything, but . . .”

  She paused.

  “It just hurts too much,” she finally explained quietly.

  I still didn’t say anything.

  “I’m sorry,” she said again, “but I just don’t want to go.”

  I looked at her for a moment and then nodded and we turned around and walked back to the steps of her house. We stopped at the bottom of the stairs and she turned and faced me.

  “Thank you for coming over here,” she said. “It really means a lot to me.”

  I nodded again.

  “I hope everything goes great for you at school.”

  I nodded one more time.

  She stepped forward and gave me what I’m sure she intended to be a quick hug.

  “Goodbye,” she said, starting to pull away.

  But I didn’t let go. I held her tight. I closed my eyes. I buried my face in her neck. And I kept holding her tight.

  Charlotte held stock still . . . like she was suddenly frozen.


  I held her like that for a long time.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” I finally whispered against her skin.

  “I missed you, too,” she said softly.

  I pulled away from her enough to look into her eyes.

  “Did you really love me?” I asked her quietly.

  “Of course I did.”

  I searched her eyes.

  “I really loved you too,” I said.

  “I know,” she said gently.

  I loosened my grip on her a little bit, but she didn’t try to move away.

  “That was the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life,” I told her, bending my head closer to hers.

  She closed her eyes as if she couldn’t bear to look at me anymore.

  “Were you happy too?” I asked.

  She swallowed hard and, still keeping her eyes shut, nodded slowly.

  I reached up and ran my finger across her cheekbone.

  “Charlotte?”

  She didn’t open her eyes.

  “Do you still love me?” I asked.

  She didn’t answer.

  “Because I still love you,” I said, gently running my finger across her lips. I leaned down further and kissed her.

  As soon as she kissed me back I knew I had my answer, but it wasn’t very long before she stopped kissing me and pulled away.

  “What are we doing, Jordan?” she asked breathlessly.

  “Making up?” I suggested, bending down again and kissing her neck. “Getting back together?”

  She put a hand between us and gently pushed me away. “No.”

  I stood up straight and looked directly into her eyes.

  “I know you still love me,” I said.

  “It’s not that,” she admitted, shaking her head.

  “What then?”

  She looked at me for a long moment and finally said, “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  “Okay,” I nodded, and this time when she pulled away from me, I let her go.

  She sat down on the steps again in the same place she’d been earlier and I sat down too, closer to her than before, but not touching her . . . giving her space.

  She looked off into the distance and remained quiet. Finally I quit giving her space and moved closer, taking her hand in mind.

  “There’s nothing you can’t tell me,” I said softly.

  She glanced at me uncertainly.

  “I know I said that before,” I admitted, “but I’m not going anywhere this time. I promise.”

  She took in a deep breath, looked away again, and finally spoke.

  “Jarrett wasn’t the first.”

  I gave her hand a squeeze.

  “Do you want to tell me who else?” I asked.

  She glanced at me and then nodded. I waited.

  “Ummm, Robert McKinney,” she said slowly, “and Seth Morgan . . .”

  “And?”

  “And maybe Jesse Arthur,” she finished, glancing at me again, “depending on your definition.”

  “Definition?”

  “Of–”

  “Never mind,” I interrupted, holding up my other hand. “I got it.”

  She looked away again.

  We were both quiet for a moment and then I took my free hand and reached for her face, turning it toward mine. I stroked her cheek gently and looked into her eyes.

  “Is there anything else you need to tell me?” I asked quietly.

  She thought for a minute and then shook her head.

  “Do you love me?” I asked.

  She nodded slightly and I leaned my forehead against hers.

  “Promise me that you won’t keep anything from me,” I whispered, closing my eyes, “ever again.”

  “I promise,” she whispered back.

  “No more secrets between us,” I said, opening my eyes and looking at her. “Okay?”

  “Okay,” she agreed, looking straight back at me. “No more secrets.”

  ~ ~ ~

  CHARLOTTE CAME TO see me over her fall break. She gripped me so tight at the airport I thought she was going to bust something.

  “I missed you so much,” she murmured in my ear.

  “I missed you, too,” I whispered back.

  I showed her all around the university and all around the city of Waco and we spent her last full day in Texas at Lake Waco.

  That night when I dropped her off at her hotel and kissed her goodnight, she held on to me as hard as she had at the airport.

  “Don’t leave,” she whispered in my ear this time.

  “I’ll be back first thing in the morning,” I promised.

  “No,” she said, holding me even tighter. “Please don’t go.”

  I pulled back and looked at her.

  “Stay with me,” she begged.

  “Charlotte–” I said, shaking my head.

  “Nothing will happen,” she promised. “I just don’t want you to leave.”

  I pursed my lips and looked at her.

  “I don’t think this is a good idea,” I said.

  “Nothing will happen,” she promised again.

  I looked at her for a moment and finally sighed.

  “Okay,” I said, “just so long as it’s officially down on record that I said this was a bad idea.”

  “So noted,” she agreed with a grin.

  It really was a bad idea, but it wound up being one of the best nights of my life (even though, just like she had promised, nothing happened). Charlotte got in bed and I told her that I was going to sleep outside of the covers. She laughed at me, but didn’t argue since I was close enough that I could hold her all night, and that’s what she wanted in the first place. It was what I wanted too.

  “I want to wake up beside you every day,” I told her in the morning as I held her in my arms

  “I do too,” she said.

  I stroked her cheek with my finger and then kissed her lips.

  “I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” I told her, in case she didn’t know exactly what I meant.

  “I know,” she said. “That’s what I want, too.”

  Telling Charlotte that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her wasn’t something that I had prayed about or something that I had even thought about. It was just something that I did.

  I loved her more than I had ever thought was possible and I knew that I never wanted to be apart from her again.

  I don’t know why I felt that way about Charlotte . . . I just did.

  ~ ~ ~

  I FLEW IN for Christmas break on a Wednesday afternoon. Mom and Tanner were both working, so Charlotte picked me up (something neither one of us considered to be a bad thing).

  “You still up for skiing on Friday?” she asked as we walked out of the airport together, hand in hand.

  “Do I suddenly have a choice?” I asked hopefully.

  “Come on,” she said. “You like skiing.”

  I sighed.

  I did like skiing, but this trip wasn’t about skiing, it was about getting together with a bunch of her friends.

  “I just want to spend time with you,” I complained, giving her what I hoped was a very doleful look.

  “You are going to be spending time with me!”

  “Alone,” I clarified.

  “Please, Jordan?” she begged, tugging my hand. “I haven’t seen most of these people since summer and it’s just one day . . .”

  “You’ve barely seen me since summer . . .” I said pitifully.

  She gave me a doleful look of her own.

  “What do I get if I say ‘Yes’?” I asked.

  “You already said ‘Yes’,” she reminded me.

  “You’re lucky I’m a man of my word,” I told her and she smiled at me.

  “You know what I was thinking?” she asked after a minute.

  “I can’t imagine,” I said dryly.

  “I was thinking,” she said, ignoring me, “that we could go see Chase that night . . . maybe spend the night with hi
m.”

  Chase had been talking about not coming home for Christmas – something about problems with his truck or something like that. I’d told Mom and Tanner that I thought we should go up there for Christmas, but neither one of them had seemed too excited about the idea and I’d already complained to Charlotte that I couldn’t believe I wasn’t going to get to see him while I was home.

  “We’re going to be halfway to Chicago anyway,” Charlotte pointed out.

  “That’s a great idea,” I told her.

  Tanner didn’t think it was a great idea at all.

  He found out what we were doing when he stopped by to see me the next afternoon.

  “Does Mom know about this?” he asked skeptically.

  “Well, no,” I admitted. She’d been working a lot and I’d barely seen her since I’d gotten home.

  “Have you talked to Chase about it?” he asked, sounding more irritated.

  “We’re gonna surprise him,” Charlotte said happily.

  “You can’t just show up on someone’s doorstep uninvited like that!” Tanner snapped angrily, and Charlotte looked as if he’d slapped her.

  “What’s your problem?” I cried. “You don’t need to talk to her like that. Chase would be more than happy to see us and you know it!”

  A look passed over Tanner’s face. He stared at both of us for a moment and then apologized to Charlotte.

  “I’m sorry,” he told her.

  “It’s okay,” she said, quietly.

  He nodded at her and then looked at me, holding my gaze.

  “What?” I asked.

  He looked back at Charlotte.

  “Do you mind if I talk to Jordan alone?” he asked, gently.

  “Oh, sure,” Charlotte said, nodding and standing up. “I need to get going anyway.”

  “No,” I said, standing up also and taking her arm. I looked at Tanner. “I don’t keep secrets from Charlotte. Anything you tell me, I’m going to tell her anyway. You might as well just tell both of us.”

  He hesitated for a moment and then finally nodded.

  “Sit down,” he said, and Charlotte and I took a seat back on the couch.

  Tanner sank into a chair, facing us, and Charlotte squeezed my hand nervously. I squeezed it back, not so nervously. I couldn’t imagine that any trouble Chase had gotten himself into was going to come as too big of a surprise. Personally, I was betting that he was in jail . . .