He swore beneath his breath. “You do whatever you like. If you want to swear or scream or tell me what you really think of me, now would be a good time to let loose. I won’t judge you or remind you of it later.”
“I don’t like yelling,” she said. “My parents were yellers. My husband was a major yeller. And—”
“Yes, I’ve been known to swear the house down when I’m angry,” he said. “So, no yelling. What did you do when all this yelling was going on?”
“Hid. Cowered. Cried. I wasn’t equipped to fight back. Or at least I didn’t know the right words to make it stop.”
He didn’t respond.
“Too much information,” she said. “More than I should have revealed.”
“I don’t share secrets. It’s not going further than me. You’ve got no reason to worry.”
“I’m not. I’m not. I’m—”
“Almost there, Kathryn. Hang on. Stay with me. Concentrate on me. Tell me, when all that yelling was going on, what did you want to say?”
“Stop yelling. Stop bullying me. I’m a person, too. I count. This is a baby. It’s mine, it’s yours. How can you not want it? Why are you so angry?”
Kathryn’s voice had risen on the last words. She was practically yelling, but she felt the thud as Holt set the helicopter down. Immediately medical personnel appeared. He must have called ahead to let them know they were on their way.
She was placed in a wheelchair. A nurse started to wheel her away. Kathryn looked up at Holt. “I— Thank you.”
He nodded and started to walk away. “Will there be someone with her?” he asked the nurse.
“We’ll monitor her closely and check her often.”
“But some of the time she’ll be alone.”
“Until it’s time for the heavy lifting.”
Kathryn thought she heard Holt say something, but the pain took hold again. A few minutes later she was in a birthing room. Holt was holding her hand. “Why are you still here?” she asked.
He ignored her. “Let’s do this thing,” he said.
She tried to smile. “I’m really grateful. I can see why people see you as the cowboy hero.”
“Shut up, Kathryn,” he said. And then he kissed her.
The shock, the zing, the utter insanity of it, lasted all the way to the next contraction. Having Holt here was... There was that safe feeling again.
But she could tell by the look on his face that this wasn’t easy for him. That kiss had been a prime example of him trying to deal with the craziness of the moment. Holt hated emotion. His jaws were clenched. His big hand was locked around hers like a vise. His tan seemed almost pale.
But he held on and held her. Through contraction after contraction.
Eventually, though, the nurse told her that they were getting to the crucial moment, the part where Kathryn had heard that women screamed out their innermost thoughts. In fact, she’d already let loose with things she shouldn’t have. Besides, Holt had borne enough. He didn’t need to live through the really intense and emotional stuff. So when the doctor finally came in, Kathryn turned to Holt.
“It’s tag team time. Thank you. I’ll see you on the other side.”
He opened his mouth to say something just as the pain came at her harder than ever. She sucked in a breath, trying to hold on.
“I want you to go. Now, Holt,” she yelled. “A man got me into this, and I don’t want you or any men in here.” It was a total lie, but it did the trick. He left.
Somehow she stopped herself from begging him to come back.
* * *
Holt tried not to think about what was going on with Kathryn in the delivery room. Of course, he knew. On a ranch you learned the basics of reproduction at a very early age, but Kathryn was a woman. And she wasn’t just a woman in pain. She was a sensitive woman. That much had been revealed during their conversation on the way here.
And though he had meant what he said about not revealing her words or holding them against her, he wasn’t going to forget them, either. This was a woman who had been subjected to some situations that were none of his business. He especially didn’t want to think about what she had said about her husband. No one knew better than he did that there were two sides to every story. The fact was that she was having a baby and her husband was nowhere in sight. What had happened and whose fault it was, if it was anyone’s, was not his concern. But he knew two things.
Kathryn had been hurt and he was just the type of man who could hurt her more and hurt himself, too, if their lives got tangled up together. She was having a baby, and then she was taking that baby and moving to a city, while he wasn’t sure if he could ever contemplate having a child again.
Still, during that time he’d been in the labor room with her hand in his—heck, with her lips beneath his—he’d known that hard as it might be to be present for the delivery of a child and all the painful memories that called up, he would have done it. Stayed until the end. He couldn’t run. Or leave her alone here.
So Holt waited. And paced. And waited some more.
CHAPTER EIGHT
TIRED but alert after the birth of her daughter, Kathryn mentally thanked Holt and her years of running, in that order. Holt had kept her sane on the trip to the hospital and had gotten her here safely and in time. He’d held her terror at bay during her labor. For the rest, her athletic build had, the doctors told her, made this an easier delivery, if there was such a thing. At any rate, by the time she had decided that, yes, she might in fact want to be drugged, she was too far along. Which was why she was in less pain and wider awake than she would otherwise have been.
That was also why she knew the minute that Holt appeared in the hospital room doorway. He didn’t come in, but just stood there filling up the space.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Never better.” He was looking everywhere but at her baby. Clearly he wasn’t comfortable with babies, so this might be an awkward meeting. A little levity couldn’t hurt. “I could climb a mountain.”
“Maybe you could hold off on that until later,” he suggested.
“Good idea. You might have to rescue me. I am a little bit worn out.”
“Not surprising. Was it difficult? Were you all right? I could have stayed.”
But Kathryn remembered how he’d looked, as if he was being chased by demons. “No offense, Calhoun, but you have quite a reputation when it comes to women. You’ve probably seen a lot of lady parts, and I wasn’t eager to have you see mine under less than flattering circumstances,” she teased, wanting to let him off the hook and lighten the tone. “Besides, I was just fine,” she lied. At the time it had felt as if her entire body was under attack.
He studied her as if he could determine whether or not she was telling the truth.
“And anyway, I’m perfectly fine now,” she told him.
“Which means it was pretty bad at the time.” Yes, it had been. At the very end when the pain had made her a little crazy, she had almost asked a nurse to see if Holt was still around, but a woman bent on being independent wouldn’t do that, and she had hung on alone.
“Holt, I’m good. Honest.”
He looked at her as if he wanted to argue, but finally he blew out a breath. Then he raised that sexy eyebrow. “Lady parts?”
She did her best to look down her nose. “They’re mine and I can call them whatever I want.”
He touched two fingers to his forehead in a salute. “As you say.”
A small noise came from the clear bassinet at Kathryn’s side. Holt visibly tensed. He still hadn’t looked at the baby, she noticed.
Now he looped his thumbs in his belt loops and glanced to the side. “I’m glad that you’re okay.” He turned to go, then turned back. “Let me know when you need a lift home. You have my number.”
“Holt?”
He pivoted quickly. “Yes?”
“I want you to know that me having the baby doesn’t change anything. As soon as I get back in form, which admittedly might take
a week or two, I’m continuing with the project. That race to the hospital taught me just how badly this is needed. Not everyone has a Holt Calhoun, or a helicopter, at their disposal. And I have no idea how much time I have left.”
“No rushing things. That’s just the drugs talking.”
“No drugs. It’s me talking.”
“But you’re tired. We’ll discuss this later.”
“Are you trying to back out on me?”
He stared her down. “I’m trying to keep in mind that your life has changed.”
“It has, but some things haven’t. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“And, Holt? Her name is Izzy. Short for Isabelle.”
His gaze passed over Izzy and landed on Kathryn. “Get some rest, Kathryn. We’ll talk later.”
Then she was alone with her baby. She looked down into those unfocused, beautiful eyes. “He’s not so bad, Izzy,” she told her child, kissing her on the forehead. “Don’t get your feelings hurt. I’m sure it’s nothing personal.”
But he definitely didn’t like babies. At all.
* * *
Holt tried not to think about Kathryn, about Kathryn with a baby or about the baby. He remembered finding out what Lilith had done and his anger when he had confronted her about her plans to give away their child without even having informed him of...anything. She hadn’t told him when she miscarried later, either, if that was really what had happened, but he remembered every word she’d said during the argument they’d had when he’d heard about it secondhand. The gist of the message had been that a man like him was so lacking emotionally that she would never want to have a child with him or give birth to a child who might inherit his disposition. And what child would want such a cold man for a father?
He had hated her that day, and had never forgotten her words. There was, unfortunately, truth in them. Because she wasn’t the first person who had told him he was cold. His mother, despite urging him not to care too deeply, had in her later years lamented that he was too detached. His father told him that the men in his family probably weren’t equipped to offer what women and kids needed. Hadn’t other women cursed him for being a cold Calhoun male?
And here was Kathryn, a woman who had already been hurt by other insensitive people. Now she had an innocent baby.
His whole body felt wrong. Chilled. Pained. Maybe he should just tell her that he would donate most of the money she needed. He would finish this thing alone.
But he knew he wouldn’t. She’d told him that this was her proving ground. She needed this accomplishment on her résumé. So, what he needed to do was make sure he did his part without overstepping into the tasks she’d laid out for herself.
One thing was for certain. He needed to keep his distance. As much as possible. The woman made him forget who and what he was. And she had eyes that made him want to gaze into them like some idiot with an actual heart.
He cursed his stupidity. And when he got back to the ranch, he took an ax and attacked a pile of wood. It took him hours.
“Are you okay, Holt?” Nancy asked.
He grunted at her.
“Do you want dinner?”
“Can’t. Work to do.” He kept swinging the ax. Izzy. What kind of a name was Izzy? But he knew. It was the kind of name a romantic, sentimental, wistful woman gave her child. A woman who needed a lot.
He brought the ax down hard, and a piece of wood went flying and nearly hit him on the arm. He almost wished it had. It would be a distraction.
But eventually, the pile of wood played out. And even with all that chopping and smashing, he still couldn’t forget what he’d felt when Kathryn had been in pain and so brave.
And he couldn’t deny that he wanted to see her again. What was wrong with him? He knew better than to start anything. Or even try to.
I probably just feel responsible for her, he told himself. If she’s struggling to make ends meet, how well-equipped can she be to house a baby?
* * *
Kathryn was tired. Izzy was the sweetest thing on earth. Her heart hurt just to look at her, fearing that something would happen to the tiny baby who seemed like a wonderful but frighteningly fragile gift. What’s more, she kept seeing that guarded expression on Holt’s face as he’d avoided her baby.
Well, so what? Lots of men—and women—weren’t big on babies. No big deal. But between her thoughts of Holt, her worries about Izzy and Izzy’s nighttime feedings, Kathryn wasn’t sleeping. How did people stand all this stress and responsibility?
“Silly question. They stand it because they love.”
Still, she needed to stop worrying and tend to some things. Dr. Cooper was getting by with a rolling group of stand-in receptionists, and her work at the newspaper was flexible enough that her not being there didn’t hurt the paper. But she did need to get back to work so she could support herself and Izzy. And she needed to send out more résumés. And stop wondering when she would see Holt again, and...
“I need to just stop. Especially stop thinking about Holt,” she whispered. But that wasn’t easy. She couldn’t help remembering how he had come to her rescue and had taken most of her fears away. Or that he seemed uncomfortable around her now.
She had received an email from him this morning.
Found a potential candidate. Will be traveling to Chicago to talk to him.
That was it. No How are you? How are you feeling? When can we meet again?
“He’s cut us loose, Izzy.” Probably that wild trip to the hospital and all her wailing and baring her soul had disgusted him. Well, so be it. If that’s the way it is, then I’m better off without him.
But while she’d been recovering, he’d gotten a candidate for the new doctor position. Things were moving, and she had to move, too—on to the next step with the project and her life. She had received a phone interview for a job just yesterday. It hadn’t panned out, but it proved that her résumé wasn’t totally terrible. Things might happen. They might happen faster if she completed the project. She should finish with Holt. Fast.
Izzy was starting to whimper. Kathryn cuddled the baby close. Just as Izzy had stopped fussing and settled against Kathryn’s shoulder, the silence contented and wonderful, the doorbell rang.
Kathryn jerked. Her heart nearly stopped. Then it started thudding wildly. Since she’d lived here, Holt had been the only person who had come to her door.
The urge to look in the mirror was intense. She resisted. For one thing, she knew she had dark circles under her eyes. For another, checking her appearance in the mirror would prove something bad, that she cared what Holt thought of her looks.
She opened the door. And found Jess Jameson standing there. The woman had a slightly sheepish expression on her face. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been around sooner, Kathryn. And I—well, the thing is...I should have. Locked into our own lives, we haven’t even given you a proper baby shower! But we’ve gotten together some things now. If that’s all right.”
Kathryn was uncomfortably aware that this was Holt’s sister standing on her doorstep. She shook her head. “Please don’t apologize. There’s no need. I’ve had my head down and working, too. I— You really didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course we did. You’ve just had a baby! A lovely baby. And your arms are full. May I...bring these in?”
“I— Yes, of course. Thank you.” Kathryn stepped back to let Jess in. The woman was carrying two shopping bags.
“I’ll just leave them right here,” Jess said. “There are some clothes, some diapers and...I don’t know what else is in there. And besides baby things, I brought you some of my home-baked treats. My specialty, you know.”
Kathryn knew. Jess ran her own bakery and her treats could make a person swoon with pleasure. “Thank you so much. You make the best baked goods I’ve ever eaten!”
“Well, a woman who’s just had a baby deserves to pamper herself a little, I think.” Then she looked at Izzy and practically sighed. “She is so darling. Just a little
sweetheart. I’m hoping to give my little Brady a brother or a sister someday. And boy or girl, I hope that it ends up with Johnny’s hair. That man has hair a woman loves running her fingers through, you know?”
Kathryn didn’t think it would be a good idea to say yes. Jess might think that Kathryn was coveting her husband. Or at least his hair. Worse, she might suspect that it was really her brother’s hair Kathryn was thinking about...which was the truth. And was embarrassing. Still...
“Johnny has very nice hair,” she said weakly. “But he probably feels the same way about your hair. You might have to have one of each.”
Jess laughed as Izzy gurgled happily. She had a nice laugh. And she had brought all these baby goodies. And delicious food from the bakery. And said nice things about Izzy. Tears sprang to Kathryn’s eyes.
Immediately Jess looked concerned. “I’m so sorry. Did I come at a bad time?”
“No. You came at a perfect time. Don’t mind me. It’s just all the hormones. I was simply thinking about how nice you were.”
“Oh, hon,” Jess said, giving both Kathryn and Izzy a bit of a group hug. “I’m the one who should be crying. I should have come before you even had the baby. We all should have thought of it. We knew you were pregnant, but we just—”
“You knew I wasn’t planning to stay. Please don’t apologize about not having a shower. I thought there was a chance I might be gone by the time Izzy was born, too. There was no reason you should have needed to help me when I might have been gone before it mattered.”
Jess gave her a “get real” look. “That’s not the way it works. Neighbors help neighbors even if they’re temporary neighbors. I’m going to round up the troops and we’re going to help make you a real nursery—even if it’s only a temporary one.”
Kathryn started. “I have a nursery.”
Jess looked surprised. “You do? Let me see. Just so I know what you have and what you don’t.”
“It’s just through here.” Kathryn led the way. “But really, I don’t expect you to—”
“You do have a nursery,” Jess said, moving up to the little bassinet. “I thought— He said—”
The Rancher's Unexpected Family Page 8