Needing to anchor and reassure herself, she shifted her hand over Izzy’s soft, fuzzy head and the baby made that weak little moan that babies make.
As if he couldn’t help himself, Holt’s gaze flashed to Izzy and he looked away almost as if he’d been burned.
“I didn’t have anywhere to leave her.” Kathryn couldn’t stop herself from saying the words. “I’m sorry. I know that being around her makes you uncomfortable.”
“That’s my problem, not hers.” The intensity in his expression, the way he never flinched but stared a person straight in the eyes, made Kathryn want to take a step back. Trying to delve into the soul of a man like Holt...what would a woman find?
Heat, she thought. Power. Passion that had been leashed for a long time.
A choking sound rose up in Kathryn’s throat. “Excuse me,” she said. “I need to—to get Izzy out of the sun. I’ll be back.” She rushed off toward the ranch house, feeling like a coward, but she didn’t like the direction her thoughts had turned. Holt seemed to have that effect on her every time they met. Still. She hated the fact that she couldn’t seem to control herself around him.
Run, her senses told her.
“Don’t you dare,” she whispered to herself. “No.” She took a deep breath and entered the house.
Nancy was in the kitchen. She looked at Kathryn, studied her for a second. “Did you and Holt fight?”
Kathryn blinked. “No. I just... Holt...”
“Yes,” Nancy said. “He’s a good man, but not an easy one. Are you leaving?”
It sounded a lot as if Nancy thought that Holt had run Kathryn off. Kathryn quickly shook her head. “No. We have plans to make, but—” she looked down at Izzy and issued a silent apology, feeling as if she was getting in the bad habit of using her child as an excuse much the way her parents had used her “—is there a place I can put Izzy down? I have her baby carrier with me.”
“A baby carrier?” Nancy said. “I can do better than that. Come on, sweetie. May I?” she asked Kathryn, holding out her arms.
Kathryn handed over her child. “Are you sure?”
Nancy cuddled the baby close. “We don’t get ones this little around here. Brady isn’t really a baby anymore. I’m going to enjoy this time. You just go take care of whatever business you and Holt have.”
“Thank you,” Kathryn said. She could see that Nancy would lay her life down for a child, but it was still difficult to leave Izzy. She dropped a kiss on Izzy’s head and turned to go.
“Kathryn?”
“Yes?” she said, turning back slightly.
“I know he’s a harsh man in some ways, but a man like Holt, who holds everything inside, doesn’t forget or forgive easily. Lilith lived in Larkville when they were engaged. There were rumors that she was pregnant and that he had to find out about that from someone else. There was more, but I don’t know how much of it was made up and how much was true. Holt never said, but the way he feels about babies, I think there’s a good chance that there was a baby involved. We’ll probably never know. He’s not a man who opens up. But he’s a good man.”
There it was. Again.
“I know that,” Kathryn said. And she did. She also knew that Holt was a powerful man. Too powerful for someone like her. And now she knew for sure that he had major baby issues. All those were good things to remember. “Thank you again,” she told Nancy.
She went outside to find Holt. He was on a ladder next to one of the outbuildings and was hammering on a piece of siding that appeared to be on the verge of coming loose. He turned as she came walking up to him.
“I didn’t mean to be gone long,” she told him.
“You weren’t. I’m just... If we’re going to open the gates of the ranch, it should look its best.”
She smiled. “You’re a pushover, Holt.”
“I’m a practical man. Plus, it will be good preparation for the town’s Fall Festival.”
Interesting. The man didn’t really like her idea, but he was willing to go along. Whether it was to move things along and get rid of her or because neither of them had come up with a way to pay for a clinic, she had no idea. Still...
“I won’t suggest anything that would leave even temporary damage.”
He laughed at that. Actually laughed, a low, hearty, sexy sound. Kathryn found herself staring at him. And he was staring back. “Temporary damage happens all the time, but land is rugged.”
Like him.
“Even if it’s destroyed by fire or flood or wind, it will eventually recover.”
Not like him. Whatever had happened with his fiancée had scarred him. Or maybe he had always been this way. There was no telling, because he wasn’t talking.
She looked at that wide, laughing mouth and swallowed. “Okay, but I’ll treat it with respect.”
“I appreciate that.”
“And—”
“What?”
“The day we do this thing...”
“This thing—this ranch field trip, rodeo, bake sale, cowboy school thing,” he offered.
“Yes. I’ll come up with a name, something better than this ranch field trip, rodeo, bake sale, cowboy school thing,” she promised, surprising another small smile from him. “Will it be all right if...that is...will you mind if the visitors bring children and babies?”
He took a step closer. “I’m not an ogre, Kathryn.”
She licked her lips. “I know that.”
“No. You’re not sure.”
Kathryn vehemently shook her head. “No, I know you’re not. You helped me at the hospital. You help everyone. Whatever happened between you and—and the woman you were going to marry, that hasn’t stopped you from doing good.”
He swore. Then he swore at himself for swearing. “Has Nancy been preaching at you?”
“Not really. She might have just been worried that I would judge you. I’m not, you know. I’m sure you have good reasons for feeling the way you do.”
He didn’t say anything.
She sighed. And turned.
He turned at the same time, intentionally or not, she didn’t know. What she knew was that suddenly she was standing very close to Holt.
And he was looking down at her.
She looked up.
“You have such trusting eyes,” he said. “Don’t trust me too much, Kathryn.”
She wanted to tell him that she wouldn’t, but he was close and very big, very...Holt.
“I won’t,” she finally managed, and yet she stood on her toes. She placed her hand on his arm.
He leaned in toward her, his lips a mere breath away from hers. Kathryn felt faint. Her blood thrummed in her veins.
“I would be very bad for you,” Holt said, his voice a low whisper. “If I did what I wanted to do and kissed you right now.”
She stood there waiting, shivering in spite of the heat, aching to have him bridge the gap and touch her.
What am I thinking? she asked herself. Falling for this man—who doesn’t want me and can’t even look at my baby—would destroy me.
She backed away two feet. “It’s a good thing you’re a man of control.”
“That’s what I keep telling myself.” And then he turned. “Send me one of those pretty little lists you make of all the things you want to do at the ranch and when you want to do it. Let me know my part,” he added as he walked away.
Come back and kiss me, she thought. Or stand still while I kiss you. That’s your part. But of course she didn’t say that. It would have been insanity. It would have started something that could only end badly.
And yet, hours later, she brushed her fingertips across her lips and dreamed that it was Holt kissing her. Just as she had years ago. Some women never learned. Apparently she was one of those women.
CHAPTER TEN
DURING the next week Holt cursed himself for having almost kissed Kathryn and even more for letting her know that he wanted to. Touching Kathryn could only result in disaster. She was leaving; he was staying.
She had a baby he didn’t even like to think about. She was a woman who had been bullied, and he could be a harsh man. Since Izzy had come along, he’d stopped teasing her. He missed that, but it was smarter not to tease. Teasing led to laughing, sometimes to touching. And touching Kathryn could lead to places he shouldn’t go. One or both of them would end up unhappy.
But the memory of her trusting eyes haunted him; he burned to taste her lips. Instead, he settled for a flurry of emails detailing “Come Be a Cowboy Day.” He smiled at her quirky name and wrote:
I like it.
She wrote back.
High praise from the man of few words.
Then he asked:
What’s my part?
Head rancher. I need you to look stern, distant, a man of the land. Think you can do that?
She was teasing him. Yes, he had missed that. He had half a mind to drive over to her house and tell her so. He resisted. It was hell.
Do you want me to call the guests bad names and tell them I’ll tan their hides if they don’t do their chores right?
They might like that, but on the other hand we don’t want to risk any lawsuits and we want them to shell out their money. Be charming to the ladies (but not too charming; we don’t want them to claim you led them on). Make the men think that they’re “one of the boys.” Teach them tough, gruff, ranch-guy stuff and feed them praise.
Not real good with fake praise.
Too bad. Learn.
He could almost hear her laughing.
I’ll make an effort. But I think there has to be more to something of this magnitude than simply acting like the resident cowboy coach. Give me the whole list of what this entire project entails. Everything that needs to be done.
She mucked about.
He prodded her again.
You worked hard enough to get me on board. What’s the deal? Why are you holding back now?
She didn’t answer right away.
And that was when Holt made an executive decision. He took control.
* * *
Kathryn didn’t know what had happened. One minute she had been sitting there trying to think of how to tell Holt that her simple “cowboy day” plan had turned into much more than she had intended it to. He wasn’t going to be happy to have a ton of people he might have to coddle or suck up to. Heaven knew that wasn’t Holt’s way. But by the time she had decided to simply dive in, tell him the truth and reassure him that she had everything under control, which she most certainly did not, it was clear that he had signed off. A short time later there was a loud rapping on her door.
Her heart started to thud. It was already dark, and she was alone. Of course, this was Larkville, but even in Larkville strangers passed through. She went to Izzy’s room, kissed the top of her baby’s head and closed the door on the sleeping child who owned her heart. Then she cautiously approached the curtains and peered out.
Holt stood there under her always-on porch light looking like dark thunder. Man thunder. Granite jaw, firm muscles, skin browned from long hours beneath the sun. Instantly, every female instinct she possessed urged her to smooth her hair, stand up straighter, change into something nicer, flaunt what she had.
Forget it, she told herself. You are not doing that. You tried that when you were young. Now you’re smarter.
Wasn’t she smarter? Please let me be smarter, she pleaded with herself as she opened the door.
“What are you doing?” he asked, looking anything but happy.
She frowned, confused. “Answering the door?”
“You didn’t even ask who was there. I might have been anyone. Someone bent on doing you wrong.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “I saw you through the curtains, so I knew you were safe.” What a totally ridiculous thing to say. Any woman could see that Holt wasn’t safe. “Aren’t you?” she asked weakly.
“If you have to ask that, then maybe no, I’m not.” He still looked mad as could be.
She stood in the doorway, blocking the entrance. Kathryn wasn’t sure why, but she knew it had something to do with keeping him out here where they could be seen, where things couldn’t get personal. “Holt, why are you here? And why did you sign off when we were having a conversation online?”
“I asked you a question about what the fundraiser entailed and you didn’t answer right away. You haven’t asked me to pull my weight. What’s with that?”
“I never meant for you to be that big a part of things. I wanted your help in making connections to people. You’ve done that—you’ve given me lists of people who can help. And I wanted your help in locating possible physicians. You’ve made phone calls, traveled to Chicago to conduct an interview and made more calls. I wanted you to get the people of the town behind the project. You showed up at the meeting. And sent barbecue and even loaned me your ranch. I never meant to worm my way further into your life.”
“This is a major project, this fundraiser. You have a child. You have a job. Two jobs.”
“The newspaper isn’t much.”
“That’s not what I hear.”
She sucked in a deep, panicked breath. James had checked up on her all the time. He’d been jealous, proprietary, ordering her around, telling her who she could and couldn’t see, what she could and couldn’t do. “You’re keeping tabs on me?”
“Nancy tells me that if you have a newborn, you’re probably tired all the time. Not getting enough sleep,” he said, ignoring her question. “I fought you about signing on, but now...I’m on. I intend to do more.”
Kathryn wasn’t a short woman but she had to look up to stare fully into Holt’s eyes. She did that now, no matter the danger. She pushed her chin up. “I don’t like being put in my place.”
“Neither do I.”
“I’ve told you my husband was an overbearing man who insisted on running my life. I’m through with that.”
“That won’t be a problem. You and I aren’t married and we don’t have a relationship. We’re just working together.”
But his eyes were fierce, like flames cutting into her. Every cell in her body seemed to be alive.
“Fine. But I’m in charge.”
“You told me we were partners earlier,” he pointed out in that deceptively quiet voice.
She had, hadn’t she? And she was a woman of her word. Kathryn blew out a breath. “Okay. But don’t go all Neanderthal on me, okay? James always did that. He thought I was an idiot.”
“I don’t give half a damn what James thought. And if he said something like that about you to me, I’d probably kick his ass.”
“I don’t believe in violence.”
“Then it’s good that you have no interest in me. I have a tendency to use my fists when I get angry.”
She blinked wide.
“Not on a woman,” he said, gritting his teeth. “I’ve never hit a woman.”
“I knew that.”
“Your expression said differently. Did James hit you?”
“No. But he hurt me. That’s why I don’t...I don’t want a man again. I’m far better off without one.” Kathryn wondered who she was trying to convince, him or herself.
“Then we’re in agreement. We should have no problem. And if I should try to kiss you—and I might try because heaven knows I still want to kiss you...don’t worry about being a nonviolent person. A good slap won’t hurt me, and it might knock some sense into me.”
She looked at him more closely then. He wanted to kiss her. He still wanted to kiss her.
“You know I’m not going to slap you. I’ve been wanting to kiss you since the day I first saw you. Every girl wanted you. You were Holt Calhoun, captain of the football team, and I knew you were out of reach, but I daydreamed that someday you would bump into me and kiss me. I was an incredibly fanciful girl. And now—”
She never got past “and now.”
“Dammit, Kathryn, you don’t tell a man things like that.” He moved quickly, smoothly, quietly, walking her up against the wall as he pla
nted his palms on the siding and lowered his head.
“You don’t tell me that,” he repeated. “Because then I might do this.” He swooped in and his mouth met hers. Gently at first and then...not so gently. This was a man who knew how to kiss, and he used all of his considerable skills on her as the kiss became more demanding.
Kathryn stopped breathing. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she thought, Holt Calhoun is kissing me. And not just to comfort me this time. Finally. And then she forgot to think as Holt pressed closer. Taking. Nuzzling. Driving her crazy. Giving her the fantasy she’d once wanted
so much.
Her whole body felt like blue neon. Bright. Electric. Every nerve cell sprang to life. She wanted to be closer. Much closer. She reached up and threaded her fingers through all that silky dark hair. A low sigh escaped her.
As if the sound had been lightning cracking overhead instead of a woman sighing, Holt froze. He stopped kissing her. For several seconds, everything was silent and still except for the heavy thudding of Kathryn’s heart. Then he reached up, caught Kathryn’s hands and stepped away.
“I probably shouldn’t have done that. I’m not that young man of your dreams. Don’t think I am.”
“I don’t. I stopped having those kinds of dreams.”
“Good. Because I was never that guy and never will be.”
“Because Lilith hurt you.” Kathryn couldn’t say where that thought came from or—worse—why she had the bad idea of saying the words, but they were out and she couldn’t take them back.
She wished she could, because if a man could turn to a block of ice, Holt did that now. “No. I was never that man. I don’t have that kind of deep feeling inside me. Lilith told me I was a stone. She was right. And at the risk of repeating myself too many times, I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
The Rancher's Unexpected Family Page 10