The Wedding Dress Yes (Crossroads Collection)
Page 51
With a sigh, London sank into the tall, golden weeds surrounding the massive tree and sat, watching the river and the sporadically spaced houses below. She idly wondered about those houses and the people inside them. How many of them were happy today? How many of them were upset? Were they facing tragedy or experiencing joy? London always found it fascinating to think that the best day of someone’s life might be the worst day of someone else’s. More amazing than that was to recognize that God knew it all. Every detail of the scene below, every emotion experienced by every person, every triumph, every trial, every little bird and insect London couldn’t even see—God knew and cared.
The sun began to set, turning the foothills to a breathtaking shade of pink. This moment of twilight was her favorite time of day where for just a few moments, the sun bathed the world in a fleeting glory that would never again be completely replicated. Every twilight painted a different canvas. Somehow sitting there looking upon a beautiful world with many problems, London felt peace steal into her soul.
She felt movement beside her and looked up to see Mason wordlessly sit down in the weeds next to her. Silence wrapped around them, but it didn’t feel tense. Instead, it felt wrong to speak words in a moment that felt almost reverent. By mutual consent, they watched the blush of the hills until they darkened, losing their short fame of twilight glow, chased away by the approaching night.
“Why are you here?” London finally whispered.
“I came to apologize profusely and beg for your forgiveness,” Mason replied with sincerity.
London swallowed, realizing to her shame that she didn’t want to forgive him. Lord, I know I’m supposed to forgive him, but what if he really and truly isn’t sorry?
Forgive him anyway.
Though she knew the answer in her mind, putting it into practice was completely different.
“What do you mean?” London asked, wanting to buy herself more time and understanding before slapping on a “forgiven label” that she didn’t really feel.
“I’m sorry for the way we broke up. But more than that, I’m sorry for the way I treated you in our relationship. I know I hurt you. The past year has taught me a lot, and I hope I’m not the same man I was then.”
“Did you cheat on me?” London asked hoarsely. Though she didn’t have any hard evidence, she’d always suspected that his heart never fully belonged to her. Even though he claimed his fidelity to her, she could never really trust him. With so many beautiful women always vying for his affection, she could never believe he wanted just her, and, other than his casual denial and accusations of her ridiculous jealousy, he did very little to restore any kind of faith in his own character.
“London, look at me,” Mason whispered.
“No,” London shook her head adamantly, knowing she couldn’t bear it.
“London, please. I want you to see that what I’m about to tell you is the absolute truth.”
In spite of her fear, she wanted to know the truth more. Hesitantly, she lifted her eyes, and her gaze caught on his.
“No, I didn’t cheat on you. And, yes, I did,” Mason said, the blue of his eyes startling in their honest intensity. “I never slept with anyone. It was important to you that we not sleep together, and I never violated that with anyone else while we were dating. However, I was not faithful to you in my affections. I did everything but sleep with other women. I flirted with and kissed them, led them on, and did whatever I needed if I felt it served my career. None of it was real. It was only ever real with you. But I completely admit to being an unfaithful jerk. I’m so very sorry for my actions and for the pain they caused you. Please forgive me.”
London turned her gaze back to the valley to think, unsure how she felt. It had touched her at the time to realize that a movie star like Mason had respected her values and not tried to push her into a physical relationship she did not want. Now, it touched her again to realize that he had remained faithful in that respect. However, though his confession wasn’t surprising, she couldn’t handle the thought that he’d betrayed her by seeking and continuing relationships with other women. The thought of his lips on someone else’s made her feel ill and woefully inadequate, and she couldn’t shake the knowledge that she hadn’t been enough for him.
“I accept your apology,” London said formally, doing what she knew she must. “Truthfully, I don’t know that I handled the breakup as well as I should have. I didn’t let you explain because I didn’t want to know the details. Even still, the forgiveness part is something I’ll need to work on.”
Mason nodded and stood. “Thank you for hearing me out. It was good to see you, London. Your family is amazing—better than I imagined.”
He stood as if to leave, and London panicked. Was that it then?
She jumped to her feet. “Mason, wait. What do you mean, you’ve changed? How?”
Mason turned back around, the dying sunlight painting his face in shadows. He looked back out over the valley and spoke in a hushed tone, “You know about my brother.”
It wasn’t a question, but she still nodded. Of course, she knew about his brother. That was the only time she’d ever contacted him in the past year. “Yes, I heard about what happened on the news. I’m genuinely sorry, Mason.”
Mason nodded. “I appreciated your message. Do you recall what you said?”
London’s brow furrowed as she thought back to her own turmoil. She’d struggled over those words, conflicted over whether she should send any message at all. “I said I was sorry for your loss and that I was praying for you.”
“You said you were ‘so very sorry,’ and that you would be praying that I ‘encountered the comfort and love of God in such a way that life became a mere shadow in the hope of eternity, and that somehow, Jaron would be waiting in the new reality of forever.’”
“Wow, I said that? That’s pretty good.”
Mason smiled. “Yes, it is.”
It wasn’t surprising that Mason remembered it word for word. It was more surprising that she’d managed to reach through her anger to write it. She remembered battling herself for several days on whether to contact him following his brother’s death a year ago. Unable to find any relief, she’d finally prayed that God give her the words to say. Then she’d written just those couple lines in a text and sent it, not knowing if he’d ever even received it. He’d never responded, which had made her believe he’d blocked her, and she’d never tried to contact him again.
“Was that just something you said, or did you really pray that, London?” Mason’s eyes hid in shadow, and his tone seemed strangely vulnerable.
London thought back to when she’d written that message. She hadn’t wanted to send it, let alone actually pray it. But she felt no relief until she did both. Reluctantly, even though she didn’t really want to, she prayed exactly that, and, somewhere beneath all the anger, she had meant every word.
“Yes,” she answered honestly. “I prayed those exact words.”
Mason nodded, then wearily sat back down amongst the weeds, looking out over the dimming valley.
Not knowing what else to do, London sat back down beside him.
“Jaron was drunk at the time of his accident, and he wasn’t just a little over the limit,” Mason stated factually. “Out of respect for the family, that part wasn’t released to the media, and so far, they haven’t dug it up. It was a single car accident at obvious high speeds. I’m sure everyone assumed it was alcohol or drug related, but since it didn’t involve any other victims, the exact cause didn’t seem as important.”
“I’m so sorry, Mason,” London said sympathetically. Jaron was his younger brother, and she knew Mason had always felt protective of him, especially since their parents hadn’t been around when growing up.
“I saw Jaron earlier that evening,” Mason confessed. “I knew he’d been drinking. I tried to get him to leave with me, but he wouldn’t. I finally got tired of his drunken insults and left anyway. That’s the last time I saw him alive.”
“I know that, but I’m the one who brought him into Hollywood and introduced him to that life. So, though it isn’t directly my fault, it is very indirectly my fault.”
London shook her head. “You never got drunk or did drugs, Mason, so you can’t say it was the influence of Hollywood life that was his undoing. Jaron was solely responsible for his own actions.”
In spite of her words, the lines on Mason’s forehead remained tense. “Though we didn’t have the best upbringing, Jaron and I were raised knowing right from wrong, and Jaron was a great kid before he joined me in Hollywood. Our grandmother instilled strong Christian values in both of us, but those are awfully hard to keep in such a world. I know you say that I didn’t get drunk or use drugs, and those are both true. But I compromised my values in other areas, and you know that. I can’t fault Jaron for his mistakes, when I made them, too. Mine were just less obvious.”
It felt strange to hear Mason’s humble tone as he admitted his shortcomings. This was new territory for Mason Bryce. The man London knew would never admit fault in any situation.
Not waiting for input from her, Mason continued, his eyes fixed and studying something in the distance as he spoke. “Losing Jaron in that way made it impossible to deny what he’d become, and who I’d become as well. London, when I received that text message, it reminded me of you, and of Grammie, and of God. I’d put God on a shelf for most of my own life. I’d do what I wanted and take Him off the shelf when it was convenient. I’d pretend to be a Christian in some circumstances and deny God in others. I never stopped believing in God, I just drew a line between spiritual things and the real world. I was so busy living that I ignored Him until my reality met with my brother dying. I still battle the guilt of knowing that it took Jaron’s death to get me to the Lord. If I hadn’t lost him, my life would have remained blissfully blind to anything spiritual, the same as it had for years.”
Mason was a different man. This wasn’t acting. Mason’s life had always been shallow, seeking the next fun experience or the next challenge to be won. London always knew there was more to Mason than the superficial, but he never let her, or anyone else, see anything of depth. It remained one of her big objections to their relationship. She wanted a deep connection with the man she loved, and Mason didn’t seem capable of discussing anything more than the fun they had planned for next weekend.
In the past few minutes, he’d opened up more to her and expressed more depth of feeling than he had in their entire relationship. The anguished look tightening his face told of an all-encompassing grief, and London couldn’t help but be touched that he was sharing that with her.
“The hardest part isn’t actually the guilt,” Mason said, turning his tortured gaze on London as if looking for her to throw out the buoy to save him. “I don’t know for sure where he is. Jaron and I never talked about faith. I think he had some kind of faith, as I did. Grammie made sure of that. Like me, he definitely hadn’t been living for the Lord in the last few years. I introduced Jaron to the Hollywood scene and got him his first acting gig, but Jaron immersed himself in the whole culture, much more than I did. It became so bad that we didn’t even have much of a relationship at the end.”
His voice caught, and he whispered hoarsely, “London, I don’t think he was saved. In my mind, there’s only one way that other part of your prayer could come true. I know Jaron didn’t die immediately in the accident. They told me he was conscious. They tried to save him, but he knew he was dying. My only hope is that he turned to God in those final moments and that God performed a miracle to save a sinner in the seconds before taking him home.”
London swallowed with difficulty, almost too choked up to respond. “I think that is a very valid hope,” she finally managed breathlessly. “God’s mercy and love are great. Remember the thief on the cross? From what you said, Jaron knew enough of God that with a mere whisper for Jesus to remember him, God would have welcomed him to a wonderful homecoming. We know that God answered one part of my prayer, I’ll choose to believe He somehow miraculously answered the other part as well.”
Actual tears pooled in the corners of Mason’s eyes and caught the shine of waning light. It took all of London’s restraint not to wrap her arms around him. She clearly remembered the electricity of Mason’s touch and didn’t want to risk any physical contact with him. While most girls longed for sparks and butterflies, they terrified London. Instead, she tried very hard to feel nothing in Mason’s presence, and her body’s rebellious reaction volunteered evidence of her failure.
With a deep, shuddering breath, she tried to shift the conversation to safer territory. “What does all of this mean, Mason?” Despite her empathy for his grief, she still doubted Mason’s change of heart would result in action beyond his words. “I hear your words and feel your pain, but I don’t understand how they apply to the everyday life of Mason Bryce.”
Mason looked at her steadily, not faltering in her challenge. “I don’t know if I rededicated my life to God or if I just did it for real for the very first time. I’m all in. I want God to be the one in charge of every aspect of my life, and I’m working on a relationship with Him. I understand that my only hope of salvation is Jesus Christ, and I’ve begged Him to save me and make me His.”
London smiled. Without thinking, she reached out to gently squeeze his hand. “I’m so happy for you, Mason. That’s what I always wanted for you, though I’m afraid I did a lousy job of being a good example. For many years, I drifted away from my faith, as well. I didn’t come to my senses and want to get right with God until right before we broke up. I’ve spent the last year trying to find my footing and figure out how to live my faith in a way that pleases God.”
“You weren’t a lousy example, London,” Mason protested, capturing her hand before she could pull it away. “It angered me when you tried to talk about spiritual things because, in my mind, I was already a Christian and was fine. I didn’t like you insinuating that I wasn’t fine. I blamed you newly-revived, overly-zealous faith as one of the major reasons for our breakup, and I resented it. I recognize now how horribly I treated you, and not just at the end of our relationship. I came here to apologize, and I hoped I’d get to tell you that your prayers for me were answered.”
Tears clouded London’s vision. “Thank you for telling me. And thank you for sticking around to tell me even after I told you to leave. I’m sorry I treated you badly today.”
Mason shrugged. “I deserved it.” Ducking his head, he admitted sheepishly, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t come here solely to meet your family. You already know I’m stubborn. I thought I might have better luck with getting you to listen if I cornered you at your parents’ house.”
London laughed. “Yes, I’m well aware that you are very stubborn and quite accomplished at manipulation. I should have known I hadn’t seen the last of you. It wouldn’t be like you to give up so easily.”
Mason looked at her and winked. “Yes, but I’m reformed now. I only use my skills of manipulation if something or someone is worth a great deal to me.”
London looked down at her hands, refusing to be drawn in. While happy that Mason had found his way to a true faith, that didn’t make the pain of the past go away and didn’t mean she could trust him to be in a hundred-mile radius of her heart.
“What does all of this mean for your acting, or does it mean anything at all?” London tried to keep her tone unemotional, but her skepticism crept in anyway.
Mason nodded. “That’s a fair question. My goal is to be more than a name-only Christian in all areas of my life, and I know that will most directly impact my profession. I might get flack from my agent, but I won’t accept any more roles in movies that require a compromise of my values. Thankfully, the movies I’ve done in the past year and the one I’m currently working on are mostl
y action movies with nothing objectionable. In the long-term, I’d like to look into possibly starting my own production company that produces Christian or inspirational movies.”
“Mason Bryce Hall of Fame series?” London teased.
Mason winced. “Nah, I’ve got to find a way to get a little ‘Die Hard’ in there somehow. I’ll never be the tame, oh-isn’t-that-cute type.”
He smiled self-consciously and stood, brushing weeds off his shirt. “I know all of that seems like a pretty big dream right now, but you never know, maybe someday it will happen.”
London stood as well. Night had fallen as they talked. Though it wasn’t cold, a cool breeze swept across the plateau, raising goosebumps on London’s arms before dispersing in the valley below.
“I really hope it does happen for you, Mason,” London said genuinely. “I admire you for wanting to apply your faith to the world of acting. I know it’s not an easy thing to do in Hollywood.”
Mason shrugged. “I don’t think it’s necessarily an easy thing to do anywhere, but I’m trusting God to do it through me. I’ll fail miserably if I’m on my own.”
London couldn’t see his features well in the darkness. He sounded so different from the man she’d dated. It seemed like with such a big difference, Mason shouldn’t look the same. Yet, every infuriatingly handsome inch of him was exactly as she remembered, making London feel an even greater, miserable attraction to the one man in the world she determined to never fall for again.
“We’d better get back before your family assumes I kidnapped you,” Mason said. “You’ll need to lead the way back, though. I saw you leave the backyard, and I followed you. But I was focused on tailing you. I have no idea where we are or how to get back.”
London led the way back through the fields and trees, easily following the path, though they couldn’t actually see it.
When they got close to the backyard once again, London looked back over her shoulder and said, “Thanks again for coming and telling me your story, Mason, and for insisting that I hear it. It means a lot for you to come all the way to Crossroads just for that.”