Stark's Dell

by Robin Roseau

  Eventually Mom returned to the room with a doctor and a nurse. As soon as Grandma saw them, she said, "Emily, that's enough reading for now. Please wait in the hall again. Then we'll all go home."

  "Yes, Grandma," I said. I squeezed her hand.

  Dad arrived while I was waiting. He saw me in the hallway, waiting.

  "What are you doing out here?" he asked.

  "Grandma wants to come home, Daddy," I said. "I think the doctor is arguing with her."

  "Like that will do any good," he said. His voice broke. His mother was dying, and we both knew it. But he was trying to be strong. I could see that. So I was strong, too. I hugged him. He thanked me and asked me to wait a little longer, disappearing into Grandma Stark's room.

  Mom came out a few minutes later. "Emily," she said. "We're going to go home. I need your help getting Grandma's room ready."

  "She's coming home?"

  "Of course. She's made up her mind."

  * * * *

  Grandma arrived back at home in an ambulance. Mom and I had changed all the bedding and freshened up Grandma's room before they arrived. Dad led the way into the house, the people from the ambulance bringing Grandma into the house on a rolling bed. Mom sent me to my room to wait.

  Dee Dee was there, waiting for me, and I threw myself into her arms.

  "She's dying, Dee Dee!" I said, sobbing.

  "I know, honey," she said, caressing my hair. "I know." Dee Dee made soothing noises to me, and eventually my emotions settled down.

  "She asked about you," I said. "I told her what you told me to say."

  "Thank you," Dee Dee replied.

  We moved to the bed, Dee Dee still holding me soothingly. Finally I asked her, "Is God real, Dee Dee?"

  "I don't know, honey," she said. "But I know there's an afterlife."

  "Heaven?"

  "Yes, I think so," she said.

  "Hell?"

  She didn't answer right away. I pulled away and looked at her. "Will my grandmother go to hell, Dee Dee?"

  "Oh honey, of course not," she said. "Your grandmother is a very good woman. I don't know if there's a hell or not. I think perhaps hell is what we make of a bad situation. But Edith definitely doesn't belong in hell."

  We stayed in my room for a while, not really talking. I was so glad Dee Dee was there. I wished I could tell Mom and Dad about her. I'm sure if they knew she was a friend of Grandma's, she wouldn't get into trouble.

  "No, honey," she said. "They'll make me go away. You can't tell them."

  Eventually Mom called me to dinner. Mom, Dad and I ate quietly. Grandma of course was in her bed, and Dad said she wasn't hungry.

  After dinner, Mom told me to do the dishes. She put the leftovers away, and Dad disappeared. Then Mom disappeared, leaving me to finish the dishes. They both came back later, just as I was finishing in the kitchen.

  "Honey," Mom said gently. "Your grandmother is asking for you. Can you read more to her before going to bed?"

  I nodded and walked through the living room, down the hall, and to Grandmother Stark's room.

  Her eyes were open, and she watched me enter.

  "Close the door, child," she said. "And come here."

  She held out her hand for me, and I took it. "Sit next to me," she said, patting the edge of the bed. I sat down, looking at her, scared. Scared for her and scared for me.

  But Dee Dee had told me to be strong. So I could be strong.

  "Did you see Dee Dee today?" Grandma asked.

  I nodded. "Before dinner. She was in my room."

  Grandma smiled. "Is she here now?"

  "What?" I said. "Of course not."

  "I'm here, Edith," came Dee Dee's voice from behind me. I glanced over my shoulder, and Dee Dee was standing just inside the door. I hadn't heard her enter.

  Grandma's eyes grew wide, and she stared at my friend. Then she mouthed "Dee Dee" soundlessly, but held her hand out to her.

  Dee Dee crossed the room and took my grandmother's hand. "It's been a long time, Edith."

  "Dee Dee," Grandma Stark said. I saw a tear roll down her cheek. "I've missed you terribly."

  "I've missed you, too, Edith," Dee Dee said. She gave my grandmother a gentle hug, then turned pointedly to me.

  Grandma Stark looked at me, too. "Emily," she said. "Dee Dee will stay with me tonight. We have a lot of catching up to do."

  "Don't tell your parents about me, Emily," Dee Dee said.

  "In fact," said Grandma. "Tell them I asked not to be disturbed until morning. I need my beauty sleep. Go on now."

  "Yes, Grandma Stark," I said.

  * * * *

  Later, in the dark of my own bed, I cried quietly. But Dee Dee crept into my room, lay down in the bed beside me, and pulled me into her arms. "Shhh, Emily. This is a natural part of life."

  "She's dying, Dee Dee," I said.

  "I know."

  "When will she die?" I asked.

  Dee Dee paused. "I can't say, honey."

  "Tonight?"

  "No, honey," she said. "Not tonight. Soon, but not tonight."

  I quieted down, and Dee Dee rocked me until I fell back asleep.

  * * * *

  It was hard going to school, but Dee Dee came to me while I was sulking in my room and promised me Grandmother wasn't ready to die just yet. "You'll be with her?" I asked.

  "As much as I can," she promised.

  When I came home, I went straight to Grandmother Stark's room. Dee Dee was with her, telling her stories. Grandma looked like she was sleeping, but she was smiling.

  Dee Dee hugged me then said, "Honey, I'm very tired. I need to go rest. I'll be back tonight. You should read to her."

  I nodded and picked up a book from the nightstand. Dee Dee slipped from the room.

  I read until dinner. Grandma slept through much of it, but when Mom called me for dinner, I insisted on eating in Grandma's room, and continued to read to her.

  It was well past my usual bedtime when Mom came in and ordered me to bed. "I'll read to her for a while," she said. "But your grandmother needs her sleep, too, honey."

  Dee Dee was waiting in my room for me. She looked better than she had before. I wondered if she had slept in my bed, but it didn't look messed up. I didn't know how she could hide so well from my parents, but they didn't seem to realize she was here.

  "Will it be tonight, Dee Dee?" I asked.

  "No, honey," she said. "Not tonight. Make sure you come straight home from school tomorrow."

  My eyes grew wide.

  "To read to her," Dee Dee appended. "I will be tired and will need a break."

  I nodded and climbed into bed. Dee Dee kissed my forehead and stepped out of the room quietly.

  * * * *

  The next afternoon, Dee Dee was waiting with Grandma. She and I stood on opposite sides of the bed, each holding a hand, with Grandma awake and looking at both of us. "Take care of her," she said to Dee Dee.

  "I will," she said.

  Then Grandma looked at me. "You can trust Dee Dee, child."

  "I know," I said. "She's my only friend."

  Grandma looked at me sadly for that, then she closed her eyes.

  I looked at Dee Dee with worry, but she simply pointed to the book on Grandma's nightstand. I picked it up and sat in a chair, beginning to read.

  Grandma woke up after while.

  "Emily," said Dee Dee quietly.

  I stopped reading and looked over at her, but she was looking at Grandma Stark.

  "I love you, Emily," she said. "Don't you ever forget that."

  "I love you, too, Grandma Stark," I said.

  And then she closed her eyes, and those were the last words she ever said to me.

  "I have to go, Emily," Dee Dee said.

  "Can't you stay?" I asked.

  "I wish I could, but I'm very tired, honey. I'll be back tonight."

  I nodded and went back to reading. Dee Dee hugged me for a moment then slipped from the room.

  * * * *

&nbs
p; That night, Dee Dee was waiting in my room again. She gave me a hug and helped me get settled into bed. She read to me for a few minutes, and I drifted off.

  I didn't wake until some time later. Dee Dee was back in my room, drawing me into her arms. I didn't understand why until I heard my father's voice.

  "Mom? Mom?" and then I heard something I never heard before: my father, wailing his grief.

  "Dee Dee?" I asked, starting to cry myself.

  "She's gone, Emily," Dee Dee said quietly, holding me.

  I started my own sobbing. "Were you with her?"

  "Yes," she said. "I was whispering happy stories into her ears. She died smiling, honey."

  Dee Dee rocked me for a while then said quietly, "Honey, I have to go. I'll be gone for a few days, but I'll be back. I promise, I'll be back. You have to trust me."

  "Why are you leaving, Dee Dee?" I asked. "Won't you come to the funeral?"

  "I'm sorry. But I'll be back. I promise."

  "I don't want you to go, Dee Dee!" I said.

  "I'll be back, honey. I'm sorry, but I will be back."

  * * * *

  And then she slipped from my bed and was gone. I didn't see Dee Dee for a week. Mom and Dad both took time off work while arrangements were made and carried out. I stayed home from school, too. The day after the funeral, we all sat down and looked soberly at each other.

  "Honey," said Mom. "You father and I aren't sure what to do."

  "About what?"

  "About you, after school," said Dad. "You've always had Grandma Stark to watch over you."

  I looked between the two of them. I knew about kids who had to go to day care after school. If I did that, I wouldn't be able to play with Dee Dee. But I was old enough to realize this was a tricky situation.

  "I'm a big girl," I said. "I'm a good girl. I never get into trouble."

  "We know you don't," Mom said. "But that's because your Grandmother kept a stern eye on you."

  "I promise not to get into trouble," I said. "And if something happens, I know how to dial 9-1-1. It's only two hours between when I get home and when Mom gets home."

  "Sometimes three," Mom said.

  My lip started to tremble. "Please don't make me go to day care. I promise I'll be good."

  "Oh honey," Mom said. "This is a lot of responsibility."

  "Please, Mom!" I said, starting to cry in earnest. "Don't make me go to day care!" I thought I'd cried out over the last week, but somewhere I found a new supply of tears and sorrow. I couldn't loose Grandma and Dee Dee both at the same time.

  Mom pulled me into her arms. She and dad exchanged some sort of communication. "We'll try it this way for a while," Mom said eventually.

  "Thank you!" I said. "I promise to be good!"

  "I know you'll be good, Emily," Dad said. "But that won't stop us from worrying."

  * * *

  I didn't see Dee Dee for three more days. But then one night after dinner she was waiting for me in my room. She looked very, very tired.

  "Dee Dee!" I said, throwing myself at her.

  "Shh," she said. "You don't want your parents to hear."

  We hugged then sat on the bed.

  "Where have you been?" I asked her. "I've missed you."

  "I can't stay long," she said, not answering my question. "But I've missed you too. I wanted to let you know I was back, and we can play tomorrow."

  "Will you tell me more stories about Grandma Stark?" I asked her.

  "I'll tell you all the stories you want," she assured me.

  Teens

  I grew up.

  Dee Dee was with me every day after school until my parents arrived home. She taught me to bake cookies, which almost got me into a lot of trouble, but then Mom realized I had done everything right and settled down about it.

  We played, but the games changed. We weren't pirates very often anymore, and we didn't go on African safaris. But we found new games and new adventures.

  One cold blustery day, we hung out in my room, looking through magazines. Suddenly I realized something.

  "Dee Dee?" I asked. "Why do you always wear the same clothes?"

  She was quiet for a moment and I suddenly wondered if maybe she was really poor and couldn't afford more.

  "I make my own clothes," she said finally. "But I only know how to make these." The she pointed to a picture in the magazine she was showing me. "Can you believe this hairstyle?"

  Another day I came home. The girls at school had been talking about the boys. Sarah Jane Matheson insisted Danny Sprogis was her boyfriend, but I wasn't sure I believed her.

  "Dee Dee," I said. I then relayed the conversation to her. "All the other girls were giggling about it during recess," I said. "And giving the boys on the playground funny looks. Is something wrong with me? I didn't give the boys funny looks."

  "There's nothing wrong with you, Emily," she said instantly. "Don't you like the boys?"

  "They're okay, I guess," I said. "But I don't know what the big deal is."

  Dee Dee laughed. "Can I tell you a secret?"

  Over the years we had shared a lot of secrets. "Sure!" I said.

  "I don't know what the big deal is, either," she said.

  We giggled together, and she changed the subject. But after that, it never bothered me that I didn't develop an interest in boys.

  * * *

  We still explored. I remember a spring day when I was twelve years old. We were exploring in the woods behind the cemetery. That day became the second day Dee Dee saved my life.

  There was a stream along the other side of the cemetery, and beavers had blocked off a section of it, creating a beaver dam and a small pond. We were hoping for a glimpse of the beavers, so we had crept to the top of a hill overlooking the pond.

  Calling it spring is probably a mistake. The pond was still frozen over, but I knew the ice would be very thin. There was still snow and frozen mud in the shade; the sunny places were wet and slippery.

  The two of us were lying down on the hill over the pond, watching for the beavers. Finally I started to get cold and was ready to give up in frustration. I stood quickly but slipped. My feet flew out from underneath me, and immediately I tumbled down the embankment and out onto the pond.

  I heard the ice crack.

  "Emily!" Dee Dee said. "Don't stand up!"

  "I'm fine," I said to her. "But my leg hurts."

  I started standing up, and Dee Dee screamed, "Emily!"

  As soon as I was on both feet, the ice cracked again, and suddenly I plunged into the frigid water of the pond. I pushed off the bottom of the pond, but I hit my head on the ice above me. I was no longer underneath the hole I had caused!

  The stream was full of silt, and I couldn't see more than a few inches. I had no idea where the hole was. I pounded on the ice, but it wouldn't break. And I couldn't see anything.

  And it was cold, so, so cold.

  My lungs were burning, and I knew I was going to die.

  Then suddenly Dee Dee was in front of me, and I could see her. She grabbed me, beaconing, and she drew me back to the hole, fighting the slow current. My hands reached up, gripped the edge of the ice, and I pulled myself to the hole, getting my first breath of air in far too long.

  I tried pulling myself onto the ice, but I wasn't strong enough. Then the part I was hanging onto broke, and I was under water again. But Dee Dee reached out and held me, drawing my hands back to the hole, and I pulled myself up for another breath of air.

  Then somehow, I didn't see how she got out of the water, but she was lying on her stomach across the ice, clasping for my hands. I reached for her, and pulling together, I was able to climb onto the ice. Slowly, we inched our way back off the pond, the ice cracking behind me frequently. We reached the bank, and I collapsed.

  "Get up! Emily! Get up!" Dee Dee was yelling at me. "Oh Emily, you have to get up!"

  "So cold, Dee Dee," I said. "Go get help."

  "No! I can't. Emily, you have to get up! You'll freeze to death if
you don't get up."

  My teeth were chattering, and I curled into a ball, wrapping my arms around her.

  "No!" she yelled at me, her voice filled with anguish. "You can't die on me, Emily! Get up!"

  I was so cold, so tired, and I just wanted to go to sleep, but Dee Dee kept yelling at me. Then she started throwing things at me. Mud and snow balls and small rocks.

  "Knock it off, Dee Dee," I said. "So tired. So cold."

  She threw another rock at me, hitting me in the top of the head, and it hurt.

  That got me mad, and I climbed to my feet, ready to chase after her to make her stop it.

  "There you go, Emily," she said. "Get up. We have to get up the bank. Come on."

  She began dragging me up the bank. I collapsed again at the top, but she pinched me. I pushed her away, but she kept yelling at me and pinching me. But as soon as I began climbing back to my feet, she was right there, helping me.

  She wasn't wet.

  I didn't realize it. But she wasn't wet. But hadn't she gone in the water? Maybe it was a hallucination. The mind does funny things when it's about to run out of oxygen. Maybe I imagined it.

  I began stumbling towards home, Dee Dee guiding me and telling me the entire time to "Hurry, Emily. Hurry. Faster. You have to go faster, honey."

  I don't know how many times I fell down. I don't know how many times Dee Dee had to yell at me to get up. I don't know how many times she pinched me, kicked me, dragged me, but somehow I got to the house.

  She pulled me to the front door, and I tried to turn the handle, but I couldn't close my fingers on it.

  "You have to do it," Dee Dee," I said. "I can't."

  "I can't, either," she said, screaming at me. "Open the door right now, Emily! Right now! Open that door, Emily!"

  "I can't," I said again, trying to close my hands around the handle.

  Then Dee Dee took my hands, both of them, and she pulled them to her chest. My vision did funny things at that point, because she seemed to fade in and out of focus, but somehow she warmed my hands enough.

  "Open the door, Emily!" she said, and her voice was much weaker.