Stark's Dell

by Robin Roseau

  "Dee Dee! Please!" I yelled. "I'm sorry! Please come back!"

  She was gone.

  * * * *

  I didn't see her again for a week, and I was despondent. I couldn't eat, I could barely sleep, and I became surly.

  I had scared away my only friend.

  But then after a week, she was back, waiting for me when I got home from school. I knew the moment I was in the house that she was there. I screamed her name and ran to my bedroom. Dee Dee was sitting on my bed, but she looked scared. I stopped in the doorway.

  "You can't do that again, Emily," she said quietly. "You can't."

  "I'm sorry!" I said. "I'm sorry. I won't. I promise. I'm sorry."

  She smiled. "You're forgiven, Emily. Have you been doing your homework?"

  * * * *

  Spring came and along with it, senioritis. I was ready to be done with high school and looking forward to college, but I couldn't get Dee Dee to commit to coming with me.

  And then Mom had a business trip. Two nights away. I was old enough to be home alone. Or so we all thought.

  When the cat's away. I was definitely a mouse.

  Dee Dee helped me make dinner, then said she had to go for a while. "But I'll be back later."

  "You could stay and eat," I told her.

  "No thanks," she replied. "I need my blood tonight."

  I laughed. She wasn't a vampire. I didn't know why she wouldn't eat with me, but she said again she had to go and she'd be back.

  I served my meal, then I remembered. Mom and Dad used to have wine with dinner, and they kept more bottles down in the basement. Mom didn't drink much after Dad died, and there were still a few bottles down there. I got one.

  I had to run upstairs to my computer and do a search to see how to open a bottle of wine. I found a cork screw in the kitchen and got the bottle open without breaking it or harming myself. There were only a few pieces of cork in the wine. I fished them out after pouring myself a glass.

  I ate my dinner and drank my glass of wine. A very large glass of wine. I finished both, and I felt funny. I decided I didn't want any more, so I put the bottle in the refrigerator. I could have more tomorrow.

  Dee Dee returned an hour later, and I still felt funny from the wine. But I took a look at her, and I felt myself go all gooey inside, and I felt a flush that began between my legs and proceeded outwards from there.

  "Want to watch a movie?" I asked her?

  "Sure," she said. "What's on?"

  We sat down together and put on a movie. I cuddled against her, and she seemed okay with that.

  As the movie progressed, so did I. Dee Dee seemed to enjoy how closely I was sitting next to her. She put her arm around me. And when I put my hand on her leg, she was okay with that, too.

  I kept hoping she would make a real move. She was older, undoubtedly more experienced, but I wasn't in a mood to take "no" for an answer. She loved me. I loved her. What else mattered?

  I pressed my nose into her neck. "You smell nice," I said. "Like flowers and earth."

  "Emily?"

  I shifted. I wanted her. I was so in love with her, I couldn't remember ever not being in love with her.

  "I love you, Dee Dee," I told her.

  "I love you, too, Emily. But we have to watch the movie."

  "I don't want to watch the movie, Dee Dee," I said. And then I shifted and was climbing into her lap, pressing her against the sofa. I didn't wait for permission, but I pressed my lips to hers.

  The kiss was amazing. I felt this tingle, much like we had in the graveyard that day while holding hands. She kissed me back, her hands reaching for me, mine reaching for her.

  Then she was struggling underneath me, trying to get away, but I kept kissing her.

  I wanted her so badly. And I knew she wanted me, too.

  Finally she shoved me off of her, and the look she gave me was full of terror and sorrow.

  "Oh god, Emily," she said. "Oh god. I love you, Emily! I'll love you forever. Remember that, Emily!"

  And then it was like she was retreating from me, pulling away, her look full of sorry and anguish.

  "Remember me, Emily!" she said. "I love you!"

  And then, she was gone.

  "Dee Dee?"

  I hadn't seen her move, but she wasn't there. I searched the house, calling for her. I didn't find her. I ran outside, calling her name. There was no answer.

  I sat on the front steps, alone, crying out for my only friend in the entire world, sobbing.

  That was the last night I saw Dee Dee for a very long time.

  Part Two

  Adulthood

  Coming Out

  Spring term of my senior year, my grades plummeted. I stopped eating and lost fifteen pounds. Because of all our tomboy activities, I was already slender with barely any curves, and what curves I had disappeared. I became moody and withdrawn.

  Dee Dee was gone. My only friend was gone. I had driven away my only friend.

  I searched the town for her. Absolutely no one had ever heard of anyone named Dee Dee Dyson.

  How could she be gone? Didn't she know I needed her? She had promised to be there, whenever I needed her, and I needed her.

  I barely completed my classes. I stopped doing any homework and I never studied. I stumbled through the exams, barely passing. After midterms, I found myself in the councilor's office with mom and several of my teachers, everyone looking extremely concerned.

  "What's going on?" Mrs. Lantern asked me. She was my councilor.

  "Nothing," I said, staring at my hands.

  "This isn't like you," she said. "You aren't turning in your homework. You are barely scraping by on midterms. Emily, talk to us."

  I didn't have anything to say. Dee Dee was gone. What else was there?

  "Emily," my mom said. "Are you doing drugs?"

  I turned to her. "What? Of course not!"

  "Then what is it?" she asked. "Is there a boy?"

  I looked away. "No, there isn't a boy."

  "Is that what is wrong?" Mrs. Lantern asked.

  "Nothing is wrong," I said, staring at my hands again.

  "Then why aren't you doing your homework?" mom asked sternly. "Why aren't you studying? I have never had to get on you about your homework. You've always done it right away after school and it's always been impeccable. Something changed, and it changed when I took that business trip. When you had that wine."

  I looked at her sharply.

  "Don't deny it," she said. "I found the bottle in the refrigerator."

  "Then you saw I only had one glass," I said.

  "How do I know there haven't been more bottles?" she asked.

  "There haven't been," I said, looking back at my hands again.

  "Did you have a party?" mom asked.

  "No."

  "Was someone over?"

  I didn't answer that. Yes, Dee Dee had been over. And now she was gone. But they wouldn't understand.

  The room was silent for a moment.

  "Who did you have over, Emily?" mom asked. "What happened? Did he hurt you?"

  "I told you! There are no boys. There won't be boys." I looked at her, my eyes flashing. "There won't ever be boys."

  "Why not, honey? You're an attractive girl and you're very sweet. Why do you think the boys won't be interested? Is that what is wrong?"

  I sighed. I didn't want this conversation with my mother.

  "Did you have a girl over, Emily?" Mrs. Lantern asked softly.

  I looked at her, staring. Oh shit. Her face held a knowing expression. I didn't answer, but looked away, looking around the room for anything to focus on. I didn't want this conversation.

  "May I go?"

  "No," mom said. "Talk to me, honey."

  "There's nothing to talk about. I'll start doing my homework. May I go?"

  Mrs. Lantern must have done something, because my teachers all left quietly. I didn't look at them. I'd never been so humiliated, to have this conversation in front of everyone. Why didn't
they just haul me down to pep rally and ask me about it in front of everyone?

  "Emily," Mrs. Lantern said. "Are you upset because you think you might like girls?"

  I looked at her. "Is that something I should be upset about, if it were true?"

  "Of course not," she said. "But sometimes girls find out they like other girls, and it can be unsettling to them."

  Mom was staring at me, and I could tell she wasn't taking this as calmly as Mrs. Lantern was. "Honey," she said quietly. "Do you like girls?"

  "Yes," I said. I glared at her. "Happy? I like girls. I'm a lesbian. I don't like boys, I like girls. I am gay. Happy?"

  I had tried to shock her, but it didn't work.

  "Were you afraid to tell me? You know I love you. I just want you to be happy."

  I didn't answer that. Of course I had been afraid to tell her. But that wasn't why I just wanted to curl up and die.

  We sat quietly, no one talking for a minute. I suspect Mrs. Lantern and Mom were exchanging looks, but I was staring at my hands, not looking at either of them, so I didn't know.

  "Honey," Mom said. "Who is Dee Dee?"

  I looked at her. I had messed up once, mentioning Dee Dee to her, but that had been years ago. Why would she bring Dee Dee up now? Had she heard I had been asking around town about her?

  "Emily," Mom asked again. "Who is Dee Dee?"

  "She's gone," I said in a small voice. "I kissed her, and she's gone. She said she would love me forever, but then she left, and she's not coming back." The last was said in a sob, as the tears began pouring from my eyes.

  That's when Mom pulled me into her arms and I cried into her shoulder, the sobs wracking through my body.

  * * * *

  Mom took me home. She tried to get me to talk about it, but I clammed up. "She's gone. End of story. I'll do my homework. I'm sorry I worried you."

  I refused to say anything else about it. I could tell Mom was frustrated, but as far as I was concerned, my world was ending, and now everyone knew about it. I didn't care if she was angry with me.

  She finally relented, suggesting I go start on my homework backlog.

  I retreated to my room, carrying my book bag with me. I pulled out my math book and stared at it, but I couldn't even see straight. Who was I kidding? I wasn't going to be able to do my homework. All I could think about was Dee Dee.

  I heard Mom on the phone, talking to someone. I didn't know who. She came into my room an hour later and found me sitting there in the dark, tears streaming down my face.

  "Oh honey," she said, pulling me into her arms. "It will get better. There will be other... girls."

  "I don't want other girls!" I wailed. "I want Dee Dee!"

  Teenage girls can be so dramatic.

  Mom rocked me for a while, telling me how hard she knew this was, but assuring me I'd fall in love again. I finally pulled myself together, and she looked at me. "Did I ever tell you about Davis Merick?"

  "No. Who?"

  She moved to the bed, pulling me with her, leaving an arm around my shoulder. "Davis Merick was the love of my life," she said.

  "I thought Daddy was the love of your life."

  "He was. But Davis was the first love of my life."

  "How can you have two loves of your life?"

  Mom reached over and pulled my chin to face her. "You can," she said. "I did. First there was Davis. And then he dumped me in college. Then there was Alan. I loved him desperately, and I almost dropped out of college when I caught him cheating with Tanya Morrison. And then there were other boys, a few hearts I broke, a few that just weren't the right one. Then I met your father."

  "Did you love him more than Davis Merick?" I asked.

  "Not at first. In fact, at first, I didn't love him at all. He was kind of a nerd."

  "Daddy was a total nerd," I said.

  "Yes," she said. "He was. But he was my nerd."

  Mom sat with me for the next two hours, telling me about all the boys from her past. She'd never really talked about any of them. But she told me about all of them. How she met them, how she felt about them, how she felt when they were no longer together."

  I finally asked her, "Mom, are you ever going to marry again?"

  That question took her back. "I loved your father very much, honey," she said.

  "That's not an answer."

  She was silent for a moment but finally said, "Honey, I don't know. I think about how I would feel if I were an angel, looking down on your father. And I would want him to be happy."

  "Daddy would want you to be happy."

  "I think he would," she agreed. "But I'm not ready yet. Maybe someday."

  "What happens when we die?" I asked her.

  "Honey! It will get better!"

  I looked at her confusion, then I realized what she thought I meant. "Oh god, Mom! Not that. I mean, Grandma. And Dad."

  Relief flooded her face. "No one knows for sure, honey," she said. "Neither your father nor I really believed in what the religious folks believed, so we never took you to church. Do you wish we had?"

  "No," I said. "I want to know what you think."

  "I don't know," she said. "It would be nice to think I'll be with your father again."

  I looked away. I didn't want to ask the next question. What if she married someone else? Would Daddy be jealous having to share Mom later?

  If I found someone else, and Dee Dee came back, what then? Or what if Dee Dee were going to come back, but she could only come back if I were here, waiting for her?

  But Dee Dee had been adamant I go to college. So to college I would go. But I wasn't going to meet anyone else. No, I was saving myself for Dee Dee.

  College

  It took me a little time to get used to college. My freshman year roommate was a bubbly girl named Rachel Johnson. She was very slightly pudgy, short, and not remotely athletic but very, very outgoing. I was a tall, gangly, tomboy introvert. In other words, we were polar opposites.

  We loved each other.

  Well, not like that. I was gay. Rachel was not. As I said, polar opposites.

  We talked on the phone over the summer. Our first call was awkward, although Rachel tried very had to make it easy for me. The thing is, I wasn't used to making friends. I'd made exactly one friend in my entire life, and I didn't have a clue how.

  I was prepared for our second call to go even worse. I talked to Mom about it. "What if she's a homophobe, Mom?"

  "Then best find out early, honey," she said. "I'm sure the college can reassign you if you're going to have a problem."

  So on our second call, I told Rachel flat out, "Rachel, I need to tell you something. I'm gay. If that's a problem, we should get reassigned."

  She laughed. "My best friend from high school is a total lesbian. I love her to pieces. We even went to prom together."

  "So you're gay, too?" I was surprised.

  "Not at all," I said. "But I didn't have a date. She didn't have a date. We went together. She wore a tux. I wore a gown. My folks have known Vic forever, and they were totally cool about it. Mom even joked that she didn't have to worry I'd get pregnant."

  "Oh god," I said. "I'd be so embarrassed if my mom said anything like that to me."

  "It gets worse," Rachel said. "She said it in front of Vic. Vic just laughed with her about it and then tried to cop a feel."

  "In front of your mom?"

  "No, not a feel of me. A feel of mom."

  I started laughing. "No way."

  "My mom's a total MILF."

  "A what?" I asked.

  "A MILF." She spelled it. "You know. A Mom I'd Like to -" Rachel broke off.

  "Oh," I said, blushing even over the phone. "Don't worry. I won't try to cop a feel of you or your mother."

  We talked for hours. I made my first friend since Dee Dee had declared us friends when I was seven years old.

  * * * *

  Going away to school was the hardest thing I had ever done. I kept hoping Dee Dee would come back to me. I hadn't s
een her for months, and at some level I knew I wasn't going to see her. But I hoped.

  I kept checking the cemetery at night, hoping I'd see her there. But I didn't.

  Two nights before I was to leave for school, I wrote Dee Dee a letter. It was simple. "Dee Dee, I am so very sorry. Please, please don't hate me. I love you. Please come back. I love you. Emily."

  I put the envelope in a clear plastic bag with Dee Dee's name on the outside, and I stole over to the cemetery, leaving the note on top of Delores Dyson's gravestone, weighed down by a couple of rocks.

  I went back the next night, the night before I was leaving. The note was still there. I stared at it. Somehow I thought it would be gone, or maybe that there would be a reply for me. I took the note out of the envelope and wrote on the back. Mom had bought me a cell phone, so I wrote my number down and said, "Please, Dee Dee, call me. Tell me you're okay. Please. I love you. Emily." I put the note back.

  Mom had bought me a car, too, but she wanted to go to school with me for my first day. So she rode with me in the car and arranged for Aunt Joan to pick her up. We packed the car up, and then I pulled out of Stark’s Dell. As we were about to drive past the cemetery, I pulled in. Mom looked at me.

  "I want to say goodbye to Grandma and Daddy," I said. "Will you wait here?"

  "Of course, honey. But it's not goodbye. You'll be back. I'll miss your cooking, after all."

  I got out of the car and walked towards Grandma and Daddy's graves, but I took a path that took me past Delores Dyson's grave. My note was still there. Dee Dee hadn't picked it up. I left it there. Maybe she'd find it soon.

  I talked for a few minutes over Daddy's grave. Then I switched to Grandma's. "Grandma," I said. "Dee Dee is gone. I kissed her, Grandma. Please, if you're watching over her, can you tell her I'm sorry? Can you tell her to come back? I miss her, Grandma. If she'll only come back, I'll never try to kiss her again."

  I stood there for a moment, but the only answer was the breeze blowing through the grass and trees. I tried not to cry on the way back to the car.

  * * * *

  I don't know what college would have been like with a different roommate. I probably wouldn't have had any friends. But Rachel was outgoing enough for both of us.