by Robin Roseau
"That feels nice," she said. "Are you nervous?"
I nodded.
She smiled sweetly, then reached down and took my hand, guiding it to one small, pert breast. I suddenly found myself holding my breath, frozen, my hand against Julie's breast, her hand holding me there, pressing my hand against her.
"Too much?" she asked.
"No," I said in a small voice. "I'm just afraid."
"Afraid of what all this means?"
"Afraid of disappointing you."
She closed her eyes. "Can you feel my nipple?"
I could. It was directly under the palm of my hand. Julie manipulated my hand so her nipple was under my fingers, and she gasped when I moved my fingers back and forth, teasing her nipple.
"That's nice," she said. And then after another moment. "Remember, I have two."
I teased her first nipple a moment longer before sliding my hand slowly to the other breast. Julie arched her back for a moment, clearly enjoying the touching. I leaned forward and kissed her, gently at first, then more firmly, and flicked my tongue against her lips. She parted for me, and for the first time in my life, my tongue found its way into someone else's mouth.
Our tongues danced together for a moment before I withdrew again.
As soon as I had, Julie's eyes opened. She looked at me for a moment, then her expression changed. She took on a playful look, and then suddenly she rolled us over, me on my back with her lying on top of me.
She kissed me once, quickly, then leaned above me, looking into my eyes. "I think I've given you quite a bit to think about."
I nodded.
"I'm not quite ready to let you go," she said.
"I don't want you to let me go," I told her.
She smiled. "That's sweet. Do you want to see me again?"
"Yes!" I said firmly.
"Good. I want to see you, too. I'm not ready to go steady with you. Do you understand?"
"I think so."
"I like being courted. Do you understand?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe. You want me to do the asking?"
She nodded.
"And you want... flowers?"
She smiled and nodded again. "Flowers are expensive. It's okay to buy me just one. A dozen roses on a college student's budget is extravagant." She kissed me briefly. "I don't need you to spend money on me. I want to know you are thinking about me and that I am special to you. Do you understand?"
"This conversation seems unexpected," I said.
"What good is it to let you stumble around? I know what I want. How are you supposed to know if I don't tell you? Life is too short to waste time when a little frank conversation can make all the difference."
I hadn't been expecting a conversation like this, but then I hadn't expected to find myself on her bed with her, either.
Julie kissed me once more, then rolled off me and sat up. I sat up next to her, and she leaned against me for a moment, shoulder to shoulder, resting her head against me. Then together we stood up, and she took my hand, leading me to the door.
I retrieved my shrug. slipping into it, and then turned to Julie. She moved into me, melting against my body, pulling me into one more deep kiss, one of her hands on my breast, just touching me possessively.
Then she practically pushed me out the door. "If I let you stay longer, I'm going to do more to you than I should. When you get to your car, take some deep breaths before you drive anyway."
She started to close the door, but I stopped her. "Julie."
She smiled at me.
"Thank you. I think you're amazing."
Her smiled deepened. "I think you are, too." Then she closed the door.
I don't remember walking to my car.
Losing It
The next several weeks were very strange for me as far as dating was concerned. I continued to accept date offers from Linda and Marie. And I did what I could to court Julie.
That part involved an early conversation with Rachel, but she was able to place everything into perspective very easily. "Think of yourself as the guy," she said.
"I'm not a guy."
"No, but there are reasons there are stereotype roles in dating. Julie wants you to do the things a guy is supposed to do. So do them."
Using that perspective made things obvious. We're all taught from an early age what girls are supposed to do and what boys are supposed to do. So I bought flowers and other little gifts, held doors, and planned our dates. Sometimes Julie had suggestions, but she always coached them as informational. "There's a movie I've been thinking of seeing," or "Have you checked out this restaurant."
I was also asked by several other women as well as had two others hint they wanted me to ask them. I accepted all offers and acted on all hints, but none of the others led to future dates.
Of course, my social life was tempered by my academic workload. I may not know what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I knew I wanted to get there on good grades. Everyone at school seemed to feel the same way, so telling someone, "I'm sorry, I have a paper, but you could ask again," wasn't taken as a brush off.
As the end of the term approached, invitations from Marie faded off then stopped entirely. I thought perhaps she'd grown bored of me, but it could just have been the stress of her own academic demands. I continued to have an official date with both Julie and Linda at least once a week, plus we had lunches or studied together.
A week and a half before the end of the term, Linda invited me out for "a surprise. Dress nice." She picked me up, wearing her leather look that I found so hot, and took me to dinner.
It was the middle of November, cold and dreary, but we hadn't had any snow. Everything outside was grey, but it was easy to focus on Linda. She took me to a nice restaurant. We ate a leisurely dinner, but I could tell she had something planned. She had a glint in her eye, and was quite evasive when I asked what we were doing after dinner or what the surprise was.
After dinner, we got in her car, and she turned us back towards campus. "Was dinner the surprise?"
"No questions," she said.
"Says who?"
"I do."
As far as I knew, there weren't any special events on campus. It was too close to the end of the term, and we were all supposed to be studying, not out partying. I couldn't imagine any good surprises.
The surprise was that Linda didn't take me back to my dorm. She took me to hers. We held hands climbing the stairs, but she refused to answer any questions. She tugged me to her door and pulled me inside.
"I've seen your room," I told her. "It's not a surprise."
"Have you ever seen it without Nosy Nora here?" That was her nickname for her roommate, who didn't seem to appreciate having a lesbian roommate but so far hadn't actually said anything too egregious or ask for a transfer to another room. Or so I thought.
I looked around the room. And Nora's side looked amazingly blank. I turned to Linda. "Nora really, really didn't like having a gay roommate," she said.
"She transferred out?"
"She dropped out!"
"Seriously?"
Linda nodded. "So suddenly I have a single, but I've been told to expect someone new next term. They don't like to keep freshmen single, but I warned the placement office I was gay."
"She didn't really drop out because you're gay," I said.
"No. It was the entire 'liberal culture'," Linda said. "My being gay was just part of it."
"She didn't even finish the term?"
"Nope. Or say 'goodbye'. I came home from class Wednesday and her stuff was gone, no note, nothing. I called the housing office to see what had happened. She'd used the 'liberal culture' phrase a bunch of times." Linda sniffed. "I'm not at all unhappy to see her gone."
"Was she bitchy?"
"Just cold, very cold. It was uncomfortable being here."
"Yeah, I didn't like it when I stopped by."
Linda hung up our coats, wandered around the room lighting candles, then walked back to me, smiling in a predatory
fashion. I moved away, and soon we were playing a game of her trying to corner me. It didn't take long before I found myself lodged in the corner of the room, Linda's hands on either side of me, blocking me in.
"I caught you," she said huskily.
"Whatever are you going to do with me?" I asked her.
She smiled and leaned in for a kiss. I gave her my cheek, but she reached over with her hand and turned my face to her, kissing me thoroughly. I stepped forward, melting into her arms. By the time she broke the kiss, we were clasped together with Linda's leg between mine. I was breathless.
My eyes fluttered open.
"Wow," I said, staring into her eyes.
"You can say 'no'," Linda told me.
"To what?"
She didn't answer but let me figure it out on my own. My eyes grew wide. "No one to interrupt."
"Nope."
I smiled tentatively. "I-"
"We don't have to do anything we haven't already done," she assured me.
She kissed me again, but it was brief.
"That's not what I was thinking," I said. "I just don't know what to do."
She smiled. "You don't have to do anything except say 'yes'."
"Will you go slow?"
"I'll try," she said. "But I may get carried away."
"Will you stop if I ask you to?"
"Yes."
I smiled. "Yes."
The next kiss was crushing, my mouth filled with her tongue, and we were moving towards her bed even before the kiss ended. She got me to the edge of her bed, then her fingers were at my blouse, unbuttoning it while she continued to kiss me. With the final button released, she slipped the blouse off my shoulders and down my arms, her fingers caressing my bare skin. Linda tossed my blouse casually over her desk chair, her eyes never leaving me.
"Beautiful," she said, standing back for a moment.
I felt exposed, standing in front of her in my skirt and bra. Then she closed the distance again, wrapping me in her arms, her hands running all over my back, and suddenly all I wanted was to get out of my clothes as fast as I could, no longer hesitant.
I reached for the zipper on my skirt, but Linda's hands caught mine. "Let me, Emily," she said. She unzipped the blouse then hooked her thumbs inside my skirt, drawing it down my legs. I looked down as Linda knelt in front of me, holding my skirt at the ground, waiting for me to step out of it. My skirt joined the blouse. I was still wearing my pumps, and her hands went to one foot, then the other, helping me out of my shoes. Linda looked up at me, her hands sliding up the outsides of my legs before hooking themselves in my nylons.
"May I?" she asked softly.
"Yes."
Linda slid my nylons down my legs, slowly, caressing me with the silky material and her fingers. I started to shiver, not from a chill, but simply in anticipation. Once the nylons joined my skirt and blouse, Linda began kissing her way back up my body, starting with my pelvis, my hip, my sides, her hands wrapping around me to cup my bottom, squeezing.
"Hurry," I told her, shivering again.
She smiled up at me. "I thought you asked me to go slow." Then she kissed my tummy and the crease of my breasts between the cups of the brassiere. She nuzzled my neck, and I thought I was going to go insane for want before her mouth found mine.
I clutched at her arms as she pulled me tightly against her. I was wearing very little, and she was still fully dressed.
"You," I said, after the kiss. "Now you."
She'd gone with the leather look again. Leather pants, white blouse, leather vest, and she'd been wearing a leather jacket. The jacket was already hung up. Linda stepped away and slipped off the vest, then pulled me into her arms. "Not yet," she said.
"I want to feel you."
"Patience is a virtue." She kissed me quickly, then pulled me to the bed. We lay down together, side by side, Linda's hand caressing my cheek. She kissed me, rolling on top of me, and then her hands were running up and down my body as she kissed me.
I reached for her, but she grabbed my hands and pressed them to the bed.
"No," she said. "Enjoy. Let me show you."
"I want to touch," I whispered.
"Later." She silenced my protests with a kiss, then kisses trailed down my skin, her hands tracing patterns all over my bare skin. I couldn't stop squirming, all my nerve endings crying out for her.
My thoughts were going a mile a minute, but rapidly becoming overwhelmed with the sensations she was giving me. And she hadn't even touched my most intimate places yet.
This was real. I was in bed with a woman, who was about to make love to me. After tonight, I wouldn't be a virgin.
I wouldn't be a virgin.
"Stop!"
I grabbed her, pulling her to me.
"Oh honey," she said. She pulled me into her arms, and I clutched at her.
I was panting and suddenly in a near panic, my heart pounding with lust and sudden fear.
"I'm sorry," I told her. "I just need to think."
"We don't have to go any further," she said into my ear.
I pulled her more tightly against me then kissed her shoulder. It was all I could reach.
"I'm a virgin," I said, trying to explain.
"I know."
I wanted her so badly. I wanted her to continue doing what she was doing. I pushed her away so I could look into her eyes.
Wasn't I supposed to save this for my wedding night? Wedding night? I wasn't going to have a wedding night, not with the laws the way they were.
Wasn't I supposed to save this for someone I loved, who loved me?
Wasn't I supposed to save this for Dee Dee?
Linda hovered over me, searching my face for clues. "We don't have to do anything else, Emily," she said again.
Linda and I weren't in love. I liked her immensely, and she was amazingly attractive. I'd thought about doing this with her, I'd thought about it a lot, and in all my daydreams, not once had I started to panic.
Linda didn't find in my face what she had hoped to see, and she started to pull away, but I grabbed her shoulders. "No. Wait." I glanced down at the top button of her blouse, reaching for it.
She watched my fingers, then her gaze returned to my face as I began to unbutton her blouse. I unbuttoned slowly, Linda watching me the entire time, perhaps wondering how this was going to go.
I got the last button and began tugging on her blouse, trying to pull it off of her. She sat back, sitting on my legs, and pulled her blouse off and threw it behind her. Then she sat like that, looking at me.
I pointed to her bra. "That, too."
She smiled and reached behind her, unlatching the bra and dropping it off the side of the bed. Her breasts sprang free from their confinement. They were full and erect, and I stared at them in amazement.
"We skipped this part," I told her. "Please lie with me."
She settled down, first lowering herself on top of me again, the sliding off to lie on the bed next to me. I pushed her onto her back and rolled onto my side.
We looked at each other. Linda looked unsure. I'm sure I did too. "May I touch you?"
"Of course." She smiled.
I slid a hand across her stomach, caressing her skin. I set my palm flat over her belly button, resting it there for a moment. She quivered slightly, and I smiled. Then, slowly, I slid my hand up her skin, just a few inches, coming to a rest just below her nearest breast. I looked at her, hoping for permission.
"I've never done this, Linda."
"I know. I'm sorry. I rushed this. I-" she looked embarrassed. "I've wanted you so badly."
My hand was still resting on her skin, over her ribcage, a hair's breath from her breast.
I looked down at her breast, pointing to the sky, the nipple erect, waiting for me, but I was afraid. I couldn't have told you why. It was as if there was another line, and I hadn't crossed it yet, and once I did, I wouldn't go back.
And I desperately wanted to cross it, wanted to cross it with Linda, and wanted her to cr
oss it with me.
I stared at her breast, glancing at Linda's face from time to time, but I stared at the breast.
"I want to touch it," I finally admitted.
She smiled. "Good, because you're driving me crazy like this."
I giggled nervously then slowly raised my hand, my fingers just barely touching the skin of her breast.
Her breasts were different from mine. Mine were small. Pert, but small. Hers were much fuller, softer. Her skin was silky smooth, and the breast jiggled every so slightly as I ran my fingers across it.
I glanced at Linda's face, and her eyes were closed. She was smiling. "Is this all right?" I asked.
"Yes."
I grew bolder, running my fingers all around the breast, very slowly, but not touching the nipple or areola. Linda lay quietly, allowing me to touch her, but I thought perhaps this was difficult for her. She wasn't normally a passive person.
"I'm sorry," I told her.
"Shhh," she said. "Don't be. This is nice."
I smiled briefly. I was still touching her breast, fleeting touches really. "I don't know what to do next."
She opened her eyes and turned to look at me. "Perhaps you could be just slightly bolder." Then she closed her eyes again.
Bolder.
I ran my fingers over the nipple, quickly, just once, and she gasped.
"Do you ever touch your own?" she asked.
I began blushing and withdrew from her. I hadn't gotten very far before Linda's eyes were open, and her hand reached for my wrist, arresting my withdrawal.
"I didn't mean to embarrass you, Emily," she said. "I just meant, if you ever touch your own, maybe you know what you like. Please don't be embarrassed."
"Let go," I said.
She looked sadly at me, but she released my wrist. She was expecting me to withdraw further, but I sat up, reached behind me, and unclasped my own bra. I dropped the bra; I didn't pay attention to where. Linda was watching me with concern.
"Mine are small," I said in an equally small voice.
"You have a beautiful figure, Emily. And you are beautiful. I've wanted you since the first moment I saw you."
"You wanted me since you heard about the scene at the pool hall," I said with a snicker.