Beyond Hunger

by Ashley Logan

  Gina’s going to leave Rick. For Serge.

  He’s going to bring her here and whatever connection they have can finally blossom. With nothing to hold her back, she’ll be all over him and that’s what he’s been pining for. For years. They can settle down and start a family together, because that’s what people their age want to do.

  I can’t compete.

  Holding his sheet tighter as the shower shuts off, I steel myself for inevitable rejection.

  Frowning, I shake my head. We never said we were an item. Even though I thought his eyes and his touch told me more last night, I knew he was in love with Gina.

  He can’t reject me if we were never a thing. Last night was just a one-off and I should just be grateful for the fact that I had a lot of great, intentional sex with a safe man. Probably enough to keep me going for the next few years if need be.

  Damn it was good.

  Serge reappears and I find my cheeks heating. Watching me as he dresses, his mouth curls at the corner.

  “Penny for your thoughts?”

  “It’ll cost more than a penny to pry them out,” I reply, wrapping the sheet around me as I rush into the bathroom and shut the door. Locking it, I jump into the shower and let the water run over me.

  Serge knocks on the door. “Vi? You locked the door?”

  “Sorry, I’m in the shower! Go get Gina!”

  Silence. Extended silence. Sighing, I relax and start washing myself.

  “I think you locked the door on purpose,” he calls through the door, startling me, when I thought he’d gone.

  I don’t respond.

  “I’m not going to talk to you about it through the door, Vi. If you’re not here when I get back, I’ll call you later.”

  Again I remain mute, wondering what I’ll say on that call.

  “I hope you know I don’t like what’s happening here,” he informs me in a disappointed tone.

  I know. That’s because you’re too nice to just come out and ditch me, because you think it’ll damage me more.

  My tears mingle with the water as I hold my face under it. By the time he calls, I’ll have my game face on. I’ll let him off the hook so he can follow his heart without worrying about poor, broken Violet.

  I won’t be that girl.

  At least not where he can see.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  SERGE

  Serge sat at his desk unable to concentrate on the file that was open before him. He’d read the same page countless times in the half hour since he’d arrived, unable to absorb any of it. His thoughts were filled with the amazing night he’d had and the change the morning had brought. Glancing across at Gina’s empty desk, he wondered how she was coping, having left her at his apartment in such a state.

  Violet quickly interrupted his thoughts again and a horrible unease settled over him. The Gina situation had scared her off and she’d refused to discuss the issue by locking herself in the bathroom. When he got home to find her gone without a trace, he hadn’t been surprised at all. She’d even put his sheets in the machine and remade his bed. He didn’t know what to make of that, but he intended to find out.

  Pulling his phone out, he called her. She picked up after the eighth ring; he counted.

  “Hey Serge.”

  Breathing a sigh of relief that she’d answered, he tried not to read too much into her flat tone. “Hey, Vi. Hope I didn’t wake anyone. I know it’s before ten.”

  “It’s fine. How’s Gina?”

  “I don’t know. Upset? How are you? I didn’t even get the chance to kiss you goodbye,” he said, resting his head on his hand as he leaned on his desk, wishing he’d been able to hold her and ease any distress she may have been feeling. “I can’t shake the feeling that I might have upset you.”

  “No, I’m fine,” she said, not entirely convincingly. “I had a really good night, Serge.”

  “Me too. You didn’t have to do the laundry,” he added, wanting to get to the bottom of it.

  Silence.

  “Vi?”

  “I didn’t think it would be very nice for Gina to arrive to that, so I cleaned up the evidence.”

  Serge thought on that a moment. “So you didn’t remove the evidence because you regretted it?”

  “I don’t regret it. I had a good time, like I said.”

  Breathing another sigh of relief, Serge leaned back in his chair. “Good. I thought maybe you had.”

  “Nope. It was a great end to my dry spell. Should set me up for another few years if it takes that long again.”

  His phone dropped from his fingers. Lunging after it, he chased it across the carpet.

  “What do you mean, Vi?”

  “Look, Serge. It sounds like you might finally have a shot at being with Gina. I don’t want to get in the way of that. Let’s just call last night what it is, and chalk it up as a great night of steamy physical activity.”

  Closing his eyes, Serge felt his guts wrenching.

  “That’s what it was to you?” he asked, keeping a stable voice as he felt himself crumbling.

  “That’s what it was to both of us, Serge. It’d been too long and we were conveniently both there at the right time. Nothing more. You love Gina and you don’t need to compromise pursuing that because you’re too nice to hurt my feelings. Go forth and be happy, Serge. You deserve it.”

  Nothing more.

  Is that what she said?

  Maybe the first time. No. Not even then. There had been a spark; something more. And the times after? The way they’d made love had not meant nothing. He couldn’t speak.

  “Serge?” she asked, but he couldn’t even grunt in reply. Sighing into the phone, she made a scuffling noise. “I’ve got to head downstairs, Serge. I need to fix the choreography for our final number. Good luck with Gina. I’ll see ya ‘round.”

  She hung up.

  Before he could try to change her mind, or speak, or even breathe, she was gone.

  Dropping his phone onto his desk, he ran both hands through his hair. They turned into fists, pulling. It couldn’t have meant nothing to her, could it?

  Of course it could, you piece of shit.

  His jaw tightened and he glanced around the office. It was too small for him right now. Grabbing his gym bag, he went and changed into his running gear.

  Mitch met him on his way out.

  “Hey! Off on a run so soon? I was coming to see you about that chick from class.”

  Serge stopped in his tracks and whirled around. “Vi? What about her?”

  “Nah, not your one. One of her friends. The one with the piercings.”

  “Nina?” Serge asked, not correcting Mitch about how ‘not his’ Violet actually was.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ll fill you in later, Mitch. I really have to run right now, or I’ll be useless to everyone.” Pushing out the door, he pounded the sidewalk, knowing he’d feel just as worthless when he got back, but at least he’d be able to do his job.

  SERGE GOT THROUGH THE day, though he wasn’t sure how. Violet’s words had cut him and it was as if he’d been losing blood ever since. Drained, he felt as if all joy had been leached from his body. The abundance of happiness he’d gained overnight had disappeared into a steady, oppressive darkness.

  This was exactly why he didn’t let people in.

  Violet had known that, which added to his devastation. The edge of his sadness began to flame in anger.

  She knew it, and she’d abandoned him anyway.

  Using Gina as an excuse, she’d cut and run. She probably figured Gina would help him pick up the pieces again, but Gina was in pieces herself.

  Serge stood outside his door grinding his teeth furiously. Once inside, he’d have to be the strong one, but all he wanted to do was go back downstairs and visit every fast food joint he came across, eating each meal in between stores before making the next order at the next store, filling himself to bursting.

  Hating himself for wanting it so badly, Serge made the deci
sion to deprive himself, as he had all day. Scowling at the door, he opened it.

  “You’re home,” Gina said with a nervous smile. “I was beginning to wonder if you would show up at all. I made dinner.”

  “Thanks. I’m not hungry. How are you, G?” Serge asked, running a hand over his face and trying to be the supportive friend she needed.

  “Did you talk to Rick? Try to sort this all out?” he asked as he poured himself a glass of milk. Taking a mouthful, he stared at it, recalling drinking milk with Vi the night before. It soured in his mouth and he swallowed with difficulty. Tipping the rest down the drain, he turned to find Gina watching him.

  “Are you alright, Serge?” Her face was contorted with worry.

  “Fine.” The word was harsh and abrupt, proving itself to be a lie. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. “Sorry. What I meant was I don’t want to talk about it. So? How was your day?”

  Gina frowned and began fidgeting with the cuffs of her long-sleeve tee. “Rick won’t take my calls.”

  “What is it you want to say to him?” Serge asked, still confused as to how they were threatening each other with divorce when they’d been fine last night. Of course he’d been too distracted by Violet to really notice Rick and Gina.

  Fool.

  “I don’t understand how things moved so quickly to talk of divorce. Did something happen after we left last night?”

  Again, Gina occupied herself with her cuffs and avoided his eyes.

  “Rick accused me of being jealous of Violet and things spiraled out of control. Up until last night, I’d had him convinced that the inappropriate feelings between you and I were one-sided. Now he’s fairly convinced that I feel for you too.”

  Serge tensed all over. Did she? Why was she saying it like that? Rick suspected. Why not just come out and say it from her perspective. Serge was sick of games and deceptions. What was the truth?

  “Did you deny it? Or do you feel something for me, Gina?”

  Her eyes rose to meet his, their glassy sheen giving her a vulnerable appearance.

  “I didn’t deny it,” she said softly. A sad smile passed her lips for the briefest moment. “He flew off the handle; accused me of cheating.” Bursting into tears, she tried to keep talking. “He said... that the... baby was... probably... yours! And that I was... a joke. That I was jealous of a stripping prostitute and that I should go and share your diseased bed, because that’s... what... I... deserved!”

  Collapsing to the floor, Gina clutched her stomach.

  Serge had no idea what to react to first. Sinking to the floor beside her, he wrapped an arm around her as she sobbed.

  “He had no right to treat you like that, G. You’ve been nothing but loyal. You know that. And Violet is many things, but a prostitute is not one of them. How did he even know she was a stripper?”

  The high pitched keening from Gina was difficult to understand, but Serge managed to glean that some of Rick’s late nights weren’t spent working. He hugged her until her breathing settled into a more regular rhythm with the occasional shuddering gasp.

  Wiping her eyes, Gina sat up a little, lifting her weight from where she’d been leaning against him.

  “It’s like the whole charade of dinner was just a way for him to rub my nose in it. As if I was in the same boat as a hooker if I was interested in you.”

  “She’s not a hooker,” Serge said again firmly. “Wait. Are you interested in me?”

  Gina looked up at him with huge, red-rimmed eyes. “Of course I am, Serge. How could I not be? Last night was just Rick making me confess to it.”

  The blood pumping in his ears was deafening as he tried to comprehend that.

  Gina had feelings for him.

  She had feelings for him, and he was still spinning from his feelings for Violet.

  His anger flared. Violet had rejected him and Serge could feel his shields pulling up, hardening him to any future loss.

  Looking at Gina, he softened a little. Without Violet, Gina might never have admitted her feelings.

  Now that she had, did he still feel the same?

  He hadn’t thought about her that way since he’d become consumed by Violet. Falsely consumed.

  Stupid old man. He’d been right to think she couldn’t be truly interested in him.

  “You want a beer, G?” he asked, pushing himself up to his feet. “Or something stronger. I might need something stronger.” Walking into the kitchen, he looked in the cupboards. He’d bought several options to cater to Violet. If he’d known she’d be happy with milk, he wouldn’t have bothered, though he still regretted not having chocolate syrup.

  Stop it, Serge. Forget her. She doesn’t want that from you.

  “Wine? It’s not fancy like yours, but it’ll work for what we need.”

  Gina came to stand next to him. “What is it that we need?” she asked, placing her hand on his bare forearm. Serge stared at her hand a while, wondering if he was meant to feel more than he was.

  She was still wearing her wedding ring. Would he have felt more if Gina had done this before he’d met Violet? He would never know.

  “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a very long day and I’m feeling pretty confused right now. I need a drink.”

  Gina removed her hand. “Confused?” she asked, as if surprised. As if she hadn’t considered that he wouldn’t be over the moon at her confession.

  Serge realized he hadn’t exactly led her to believe otherwise. He’d dedicated every spare thought and minute to her for years until just recently. Uncapping a beer, he drank the bottle in one hit.

  “Is it Violet?” she asked, a hint of disbelief in her voice. “You’ve fallen for her?”

  Closing his eyes, Serge denied himself of even the thought. Taking another beer, he thrust a bottle of wine into Gina’s hand and reached for a glass for her. “Violet and I are over. It was just a casual thing. We won’t be continuing whatever it was we had.”

  “Probably for the best,” Gina said, nodding as she filled her glass. “She was pretty young and she obviously has some issues. Why else would she be stripping?”

  Serge felt his anger rising again, but this time it was targeted at Gina. “We all have issues, Gina. Doesn’t make us less than people.”

  Sweeping her blond hair back, Gina looked at him as if he was crazy.

  “Are you comparing your dieting issues to her stripping, Serge? Because it’s a whole other ball park. You just need firm boundaries, she needs her head read. I don’t get why it doesn’t bother you. Did you enjoy other people watching your girlfriend naked?”

  “It wasn’t like that. She was never my girlfriend. Can we stop talking about her, please?” Taking another beer, he slammed the fridge shut. Downing the second beer just as quickly as the first, he uncapped the third. He hadn’t eaten all day. It wouldn’t take long to feel numb.

  Walking to the couch, he slumped into his usual position, only to have to move his legs to allow Gina to sit.

  “You really could do with some more furniture, Serge,” she said, looking around. “And some color. Ever thought of decorating the place?”

  “No. I like it simple.”

  Taking a sip of her wine, Gina studied him over the top of her glass. “Nothing is simple, Serge.”

  “I know. That’s why it’s even more important to keep my home this way.” Finishing his beer, he rubbed his face. “So what do we do now, G? What do you want?”

  Her blue eyes watched him. After a too long blink, they opened with purpose.

  “I want you to kiss me,” she whispered. “I want you to kiss me like you did the one time I let you. That kiss has been all I can think of sometimes.”

  They were the words Serge had been waiting for. For so long, he’d lain awake thinking of that kiss. To know she’d felt the same way about it was all he’d wanted to hear.

  So why did the words feel pointless now?

  Brushing her hair behind her ear, Serge ran his thumb over her soft cheek as
he looked into her eyes. He’d thought this moment, the moment she would let him in, would feel different.

  More apprehensive than excited, he wet his lips and moved in slowly.

  Gina’s lips met his before he leaned in all the way. Crushing against his, they sought something he was beginning to feel he’d lost. Going through the motions, Serge tried to understand.

  Pulling him closer, Gina pressed herself into his body and he knew he should be feeling more than he was.

  Gina more than made up for his lack of enthusiasm, pushing against him even harder and forcing him to lie back against the couch.

  “G,” he whispered as she unlocked their lips to gain a better position. Stalking up his chest like a panther, Gina pulled herself on top of him, sealing his mouth shut again with hers.

  Serge tried to enjoy it, but all he could do was compare his response with that he’d had to Violet.

  Pale in comparison.

  Things with Gina were ruined. How would he tell her? After convincing her he’d loved her all along, she was now effectively throwing her marriage away for no reason at all.

  Then again, she’d denied him so long, he wasn’t sure he was the reason. Maybe she was trying to feel something too, trying to salvage any option because she was hurting. Or wanted Rick to hurt.

  Gina’s hands traveled his body as she kept him trapped under her lips. Her hand dipped under his waistband and he gasped. Gina sat up, straddling him as she fixed him with a glare.

  “Is this not what you want Serge?” she asked, her hand still trying to coax life into his limp dick.

  Stilling her hand, he sat up beneath her.

  “Why are you doing this Gina? Are you doing it to get back at Rick? You thought I was a sure thing, so you threw yourself at me? Or do you actually want me?”

  She didn’t answer straight away and Serge thought that spoke volumes in itself.

  “Please just be honest with me, G. There’s a lot running through my head right now. I’m not feeling right.”

  Holding a hand to his head, Serge blinked the room back into focus. “I need to eat.”

  “You don’t need to eat!” Gina cried, leaping off him. “You need to explain to me how all these years you promised something to me with every look and every thoughtful gesture, and now you’re breaking that promise!”