Under the Influence

by L. B. Simmons

  I twist back just in time to see my house as Dalton slowly eases us alongside the curb. Once the engine is cut, he turns to me and announces, “I’m walking you in. Rat…” He throws a glance over his shoulder and his eyes soften as he takes in the passengers in the back seat. Jerking his head in their direction, he instructs, “Make sure she gets home safe.”

  Rat nods. As he leans to open the door, I add in a whisper, “Use her window. It’s the only one on the far side of her house.”

  A wide smile breaks across his face as he tucks his free arm under her knees and lifts her onto his lap, her purse safely nestled in her bent waist. After curling her into his chest, he steps out of the car as though she weighs nothing and kicks the door shut behind him.

  I watch until they’re safely across the street before turning back around and bringing my eyes to Dalton’s. I know we need to talk about everything that happened tonight, but I just can’t do it right now. I’m emotionally exhausted.

  Ready to just end the night, I raise my brows in question. “You know you don’t have to walk me in, right? I mean, I’m pretty sure I can make it the remaining ten feet to my door on my own.”

  “I highly doubt it.”

  Anger pricks my skin and I inhale deeply out of frustration. “Fine. Suit yourself.”

  Remembering Cassie’s flask, I twist in my seat then rise up on my knees and lean my body into the back of the car to retrieve it. I can feel the dress riding up, barely covering my backside as it shoots up into the air, but I don’t care. I’m too pissed to think of anything other than getting into my house and downing an entire pint of ice cream in mourning for the absolute disaster that was my first date.

  “Shit,” I mutter to myself when my hand screams with pain in protest of its use. I press my right elbow into the leather of the console and attempt to reach instead with my left arm, pressing my body into the warmth of Dalton’s as I strain my fingers to full capacity. Once they’ve locked onto the flask, I put all my weight on my resting arm and press upward. As I rise, my shoulder brushes against Dalton’s and I twist my neck just as my face passes his. I stop mid-movement, halted immediately by his pained expression. His blue eyes pierce mine as he swallows deeply. I feel his warm breaths as they fan my face and inhale his familiar scent as it invades my senses. Breathing in deeply, I revel in the sugary smell. Musky yet sweet, like amaretto or almonds. I can never really put my finger on what it is. It’s just…

  Dalton.

  We stare deeply into each other’s eyes, our breaths intermixing as they begin to quicken in sync. I reach and tuck the section of my forward falling hair behind my ear, and as I do so, I involuntarily graze my tongue over my bottom lip to moisten it.

  His eyes break from mine and fall to my mouth and the heat emanating from their stare launches an unfamiliar chill all over my body. A rash of rising goosebumps surges along my arms and legs as his eyes darken with intensity. Slowly, his arm rises and I remain in place as he gingerly runs his thumb along my bottom lip. My throat clogs with unspoken emotion as I allow him to have this moment of connection I know he so desperately needs, with no inhibition, no reservation, no walls between us. Sentiment burns my eyes and I swallow.

  His gaze moves deliberately along my mouth and face, until finally settling on the rising moisture of my unshed tears. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Spence.” His head moves back and forth indiscernibly. “I …can’t. Not with you. Not to you.”

  The tears finally break free, their warmth trailing down my cheeks as I watch his walls strategically molded back into place one by one. And with each reconstruction, another piece of my Dalton disappears, replaced with cold distance and lifeless eyes. His warmth vanishes as he leans away and opens his door, leaving me alone to grieve the loss of the moment as he slams it shut behind him.

  I watch him furiously manipulate the bill of his cap, pinching it tightly before lowering it on his forehead as he leans his body against the hood of his car. After inhaling deeply, I attempt to leash the sorrow and wipe the tips of my fingers underneath my eyes. Slowly, I ease off of my knees and slide back into my seat, disappointed in myself that I allowed my mind to wander, seeking emotion from him that just doesn’t exist. No matter how much I believe in Dalton, if he doesn’t believe himself capable of feeling, there’s nothing I can do to convince him otherwise.

  And here I am, back to the same place I was four hours ago, expelling all stupid, romantic delusions generated within the past couple of minutes from my mind. I shake my head in frustration before leaning over.

  After chucking Cassie’s flask into my purse and snaking her borrowed Mary-Janes off the floorboard, I make my own exit from Dalton’s car. I say nothing as I pass him, my bare feet padding along the cold cement of my driveway and onto my porch before I come to a stop in front of the door. As my purse hangs off the wrist of my injured hand, I drop the heels and begin to search for my key. Mounting frustration leaks from the corners of my eyes, and I try to sniff it back, but tears continue to stubbornly stream down my face. Ignoring them, I blindly finger through the items in my purse, until finally locating the cold metal which lies at the bottom. Snatching it between my fingers, I open the screen door and hold it with my hip. Dalton’s presence looms next to me as he bends to retrieve my shoes from below me. His eyes land on my bare feet and slowly make their way up along my legs and body with his rising. He says nothing once he’s upright and his eyes never leave mine as he extends his hand, wordlessly requesting my key.

  I clench my teeth in an effort to conceal my trembling chin and hand it over. He breaks his stare to push the key into the deadbolt, but brings it back to my face as he drops his hand.

  His voice is thick as he begins to speak. “I’m sorry, Spence. I know I hurt you—”

  I shake my head dismissively. “You didn’t hurt me. I’m just tired.”

  The corners of his mouth dip downward and he lifts his hand, placing his palm against my cheek and swiping the rivulets of moisture with his thumb. My heart would typically melt at the tenderness of the gesture, but now I find it only aggravates me. I narrow my eyes and slap his hand away from my face. “Don’t do that. Don’t do something you don’t mean.”

  Channeling my sorrow, anger begins to churn as I step away and turn my back on him. My bare feet carry me to the wooden rail that lines my porch and I brace my good hand against it, leaning forward and inhaling deeply.

  Dalton growls with frustration. “What the fuck? Of course I mean it. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Spence. I’m trying to apologize here.”

  I laugh humorlessly and turn to face him. “For what, exactly? For stalking me on my date tonight?”

  His blue eyes now darken with a different emotion as they slice to mine. “The date in which you were being manhandled by some fucking loser who asked you out for no other reason than to get back at me?” He scoffs openly. “You should be thanking me.”

  I cease the fight to hold back my tears, permitting them to flow freely as I respond. “I handled it, did I not? I don’t need you to protect me, Dalton. I can take care of myself.”

  He chuckles, unsmiling, as he removes his cap and throws it to the ground, dragging his fingers through his hair in irritation. My glare hardens as I continue my rant. “And yes, he asked me out to get back at you. Are you apologizing for that? Or are you apologizing for the fact that because of your stupid crusade against me dating anyone EVER, I was so excited to be asked out that I accepted a date with said fucking loser because I wanted to know what it would be like to actually be desired for once?” Not entirely true, but true enough to make my point.

  My breaths are heavy and my pulse thrums rapidly through my entire body. I angrily swipe away the tears as I inquire, “Why is that, Dalton? Why is it that you don’t want me, but no one else is allowed to have me?”

  Frustrated, I shake my head as I stumble on my words. “I just…I don’t understand.” My voice trembles and my chin quivers with the admission.

  Dal
ton’s heavy boots sound as he stalks across the porch. I avert my gaze, but once he’s in front of me, he curls his fingers around my chin and pulls my face into his line of sight. His eyes burn into mine as they narrow in earnest. “You think I don’t want you? Goddamn it, Spencer,” he bites. “I want you so much I can’t fucking breathe when I’m not with you. Every single time I force myself to walk away from you, I feel nothing but agony as the anger that simmers here,” he breaks to pound his closed fist on his chest, “chars my insides with each step I take away from the relief you provide.”

  His eyes begin to glisten and his jaw tightens as he shakes his head. “I can’t fucking breathe without you, don’t you get it? I want you so much that being without you is absolute torture.”

  He swallows deeply and moisture seeps from my eyes at the sight of his exposed emotion as he continues. “I want you Spence, but I can’t have you. I won’t allow it. You’re too good, too pure, too innocent, and just as your presence soothes me, mine will eventually flaw you. It’s inevitable, and I care too much for you to let that happen.”

  A lone tear escapes from the corner of his eye before he concludes, “But you’re right. Even thinking about you with someone else, with someone else’s arms around you as you look into their eyes the same way you’re looking into mine right now, I just—”

  He casts his stare downward and shakes his head. “I can’t. So I guess I’m a selfish, heartless prick because where does that leave you?”

  The tear finally falls free from his chin and I step forward, placing my hands on the side of his face and forcing his eyes to mine. My voice trembles as I speak. “I know you like to control things, Dalton. That’s how you’ve learned to cope and I understand that, but you don’t control me. My feelings. My heart. And even though you feel you don’t deserve those things, that they’re not yours to have, you’re mistaken.”

  I tighten my grip as he tries to look away and state with emphasis, “You ask where that leaves me? Well, it leaves me right here in the same place, on the same porch I was five years ago when I first met you. The day that all of those things you think you can’t have I willingly handed over without question.”

  Releasing my hold, I turn away from him to speak into the night air, knowing his refusal will absolutely destroy me. “I have always belonged to you. I will always belong to you. Regardless of what you’ve done, what you do, or what you will do, I will forever be yours. And that’s my choice to make, whether you choose me or not.”

  I stand there waiting in silence and after what feels like an eternity, I finally get my response.

  Crickets.

  I literally hear crickets as I remain standing silently with my back to Dalton. And if I hadn’t just poured my heart out to the only person I will probably ever truly love in this lifetime, I would laugh at the cliché of unrequited love and cricket-filled silence playing out in front of me.

  But instead, as I hear his footsteps begin to recede, I find my only reaction to this pathetic situation is to cry.

  So that’s what I do.

  YOU REEK OF HIS FILTH, you know that? Of hand-me-downs and shelter meals. Of deprivation, of poverty, of trash. He’s purposely marked you with his stench so no one will come near you…

  Jase’s speech wages a bloody war inside my mind. His lethal words fulfill their purpose as they continue to strike deep, reminding me that Spencer deserves so much better than anything that I could possibly offer. She deserves more than the haunting memories of my past, more than the fraudulent version of myself in the present, and most importantly, far more than the corrupt future to which I’m bound. His truths continue to pillage all hope of experiencing Spencer’s love as those words circle my mind, leaving me completely hollow.

  I turn and begin to walk away. To do the one thing I always promised myself I would do, which is to protect her, especially if it’s from me.

  I will always belong to you. Regardless of what you’ve done, what you do, or what you will do, I will forever be yours…

  Spencer’s heartfelt words follow closely behind, frantically picking up the carnage Jase’s truths leave behind and melding the hopeful fragments back together as she willingly offers the one thing I never thought possible in this life. In my life.

  The gift of unconditional love.

  And as the sound of her gentle sobs filter through the gore of my internal battle, I halt where I stand and allow her sorrow to wash over me. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply as her emotion cleanses my mind and her tears mend my wounds.

  I allow her essence to blossom within me, to permeate my hollow voids, and the constant ache in my chest dwindles as it’s replaced with the fervor of renewed hope. Of the promise of love and acceptance with absolutely no expectation other than receiving mine in return.

  The one thing I’ve ever wanted in my life is being offered to me by the one person who means the most to me in this world and I’m about to walk away.

  I shake my head.

  I don’t fucking think so.

  My eyes fly open and I pivot on my heel, met with the sight of Spencer’s blonde hair cascading forward as she cradles her head in her hands. My heart lurches as it calls for her.

  So close yet so far.

  My feet can’t carry me there fast enough.

  I stride with purpose, closing the distance between us and with absolutely no hesitation or doubt, I reach forward, curl my fingers around her upper arm, and whirl her around to face me. Her shocked expression doesn’t even register in my mind as I crash my mouth down onto hers. Every single ounce of emotion I’ve suppressed over the years barrels itself into this kiss.

  It’s not gentle. It’s not slow. It’s not composed.

  It’s frantic.

  It’s demanding.

  It’s savage.

  It’s unrestrained.

  It’s every uncontrollable, innate desire I’ve withheld since the day I met her on this porch as they rise to the surface, finally freed from my constraints.

  And she gives it back just as hard as I give it.

  Teeth gnash, tongues spar, fingers clutch, and bodies press.

  The need to breathe escapes both of us and with my mouth still sealed over hers, I guide her to the railing behind us and lift her onto the wooden surface. My tongue sweeps deeply and her legs wrap around my waist as she draws me into her body. I drop my hands to grip her hips and my fingers dig into the fabric of her dress as I pull her as close as I physically can. Her soft whimper is drawn into my throat as I press my hardness between her legs. The warmth from her body seeps through my jeans as she squeezes her thighs tighter, and the friction of the movement between us spurs an animalistic, hungry growl from deep within my chest. All control is lost as I fist her dress in my hands.

  In response, she threads her fingers into my hair and tugs my head to the side, claiming my mouth with her own. And as she does so, I open myself completely and give her all that I have—all that I am—and pray that it’s enough.

  Just as our lips part, a hoot comes from across the street and a familiar voice shouts, “It’s about motherfucking time!”

  Our breaths are heavy as I settle my forehead against hers and our eyes remain locked as we listen to the sound of Rat’s engine coming to life. It’s not until he’s long gone that I dare move, for fear this moment will be lost.

  Slowly, I bring my hands to the sides of her face, cupping her cheeks in my palms before leaning forward to savor her taste. I brush my mouth tenderly across her swollen lips before forcing myself to end the kiss with a gentle peck, then run my nose leisurely down the length of hers. Her sweet, citrus scent fills my nostrils and I inhale deeply before finally releasing her from my grasp.

  The warmth surrounding my body vanishes as her legs fall away and I grip the wooden ledge on either side of them as I attempt to slow my breathing. My eyes fall to her bare feet, crossed at the ankle as they dangle in front of me, and memories of the many summers we’ve spent together begin to race through my mind.
>
  Spencer in her favorite raggedy cut-offs running barefoot in the grass. Her face full of light and joy as the sun shines all around her and the innocence of her laughter as her long, blonde hair trails behind. Her big, blue eyes as they radiate warmth and the freckles on the reddened bridge of her nose as she scrunches it at something I said.

  She’s mine.

  My heart fills with pure elation as my mind resolutely affirms those words and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m glad to be alive.

  Because in her, I find purpose.

  I want to be for her.

  I want to exist just so I can experience her.

  I want to live, to feel, to laugh, and to love with her.

  “Teach me.”

  The words escape me without thought as I lift my pleading eyes to meet her puzzled expression. “I don’t know how to do this, Spence. How to love like you do. To live like you do.”

  I pause briefly, trying to figure a way to explain so she will understand. “Emotions such as trust and compassion, feelings of patience and empathy—those gifts that come so naturally for you, I’ve never been able to understand, much less exercise. I need you to teach me because I want to be able to give you everything you deserve. And you deserve someone as flawless as you.”

  Her features soften and a compassionate smile tugs at her lips as she gestures with a subtle motion of her head. “Come here.”

  Gradually, I lean into her and set my elbows on the rail, my forearms falling in line with the sides of her thighs. She bends forward to place a lingering kiss on the corner of my mouth and her lips are warm and soft as they remain pressed against mine.

  When she backs away to disengage the kiss, I find it impossible to do anything other than foil her attempt. My face follows hers as she rises, but it’s her giggle that finally gives her victory. My mouth breaks into a wide smile at the sound and as I finally resign, I’m nothing short of amazed at the newfound reality that I can kiss her whenever I like.

  Reaching forward, I tuck a loose section of her long, blonde hair behind her ear, taking a moment to relish in the silkiness of the texture before lowering my hand. Beautiful grin on her face, she gazes down at me, her eyes full of reassurance.