Under the Influence

by L. B. Simmons

  Spencer takes in the information provided, then asks, “And Lawson is leading the investigation into Silas?” I dip my head, allowing her to continue putting the pieces together.

  Minutes pass before she asks, “Grady?”

  I fight a smile. She misses nothing. “He’s part of Lawson’s unit. An officer for the Fuller police department. Also a part-time Krav Maga instructor. We’ve become … friends.”

  Years later I still stall on the word, as though they’re a betrayal to Rat.

  Her expression remains blank as she takes in the information. After another long pause, her eyes find mine. “Krav Maga. So I assume you are the one who put the flyer on my windshield?”

  I say nothing, but my lips barely lift in answer. She narrows her eyes. “How long have you been back here? And have you been watching me? In class, I mean. I’ve seen you in there.”

  I shrug. “I’ve been back for about the same time that you have. Since December. And yes, I’ve been watching you from a distance. To make sure you’re okay.”

  She swallows deeply, then asks, “Then why tonight? As you said, you could watch me from a distance. Why put yourself so close that there was absolutely no way I wouldn’t figure out who you were?”

  “Well,” I take a breath because I understand the ramifications of her knowing who I am. “Because it’s time you knew. Lawson made it clear he would have my balls if I said anything, so I couldn’t exactly tell you outright. However, if you figured it out for yourself, well … there’s nothing he can do about that. Plus, we both know I’ve never really been one to follow the rules.”

  Her drawn expression remains uncompromising, so I abandon my attempt to lessen the tension and continue. “Lawson is convinced your knowing will only place you in more danger. I, however, don’t share his opinion. I think since you are directly involved, you need to be prepared. It’s just a feeling I have. Things are about to go down and I want to make sure you’re protected.”

  Her mouth tips downward and she shakes her head. “I don’t understand why my protection is necessary.”

  I answer truthfully. “Silas had already discovered our connection before I left. As soon as we figured out that he knew who you were, Lawson and I made sure you were constantly watched, just in case he decided to make a move. You were always protected from any possible retaliation from Silas as you went about your life, completely unaware that you were in any danger.”

  She gives me a head jerk, clearly surprised by that information, before voiding the shock from her expression. “And now you’re back. You don’t think Silas recognizes you? That he hasn’t caught on?”

  I shrug. “I haven’t seen him since I’ve been back. He’s barricaded himself with layer upon layer of security. But this is my honest to God opinion. On his own, Silas has probably put together that I was there that night due to the timing of my disappearance. He wants revenge because of my betrayal to his organization. And with me being back in Fuller, I feel a hell of a lot safer being close to you instead of watching from a distance. Regardless of what Lawson believes.”

  Instead of fear, I sense the burn of anger thrumming mixed with the coolness of detachment as I speak.

  She has to understand.

  I need her to understand.

  Desperation takes over and my voice shakes with intensity as I inquire, “Don’t you see? My leaving. My staying away for as long as I have. And now my coming back. It has always been about you. Every decision I have made over the past five years was made with you in mind. Your safety. Your protection. And how the hell to end one life so that I may be able to begin a new one with you by my side.”

  I clench my teeth and emphatically continue, “I also made you a promise that night, a vow, that I would sever those ties to Silas and his organization. Mark my words, I’m not only going to sever them, I’m going to completely annihilate them. I will have my revenge for everything that happened that night. Losing Rat. Losing you. Losing fucking years. He will pay for every single thing he took from me, and for every second not spent with you.”

  My heart is pumping with such force, my entire body pulsates with its rapid beats. I continue to watch her as silence coats the air, the weight suffocating. Because as her eyes break from mine, I feel it. The ache in my chest as the part of me that resides inside of her begins to extinguish.

  I inhale deeply, supplying myself with the oxygen needed to fan our flame. To keep our connection alive.

  I will not lose her.

  Not when I just got her back.

  I FOCUS ON THE FLOOR BENEATH my feet, observing the grooves in the wood as I try to conceal the burn threatening my eyes.

  I want so badly to believe him. To cling to the hope that the loss of him over the past five years hasn’t affected me. To embrace the belief that we can pick up right where we left off, past transgressions forgiven.

  Yet as that hope rises, I pummel it until it no longer exists because all it does is serve as a reminder of my weakness. Of endless tears, sleepless nights, and the anger and rage that once ruled over me. All the things I’ve worked so hard to overcome now loom all around me as he watches me from a mere ten feet away.

  I can’t be that foolish girl anymore. I refuse to subject myself to the heartbreak brought by yet another false notion. I’m a grown woman now, and Dalton needs to understand that I’m no longer the same infatuated child he left pining for him five years ago.

  Inhaling deeply, I fortify my resolve, then lift my gaze to meet his.

  “I can’t, Dalton. I cannot jump blindly into this life you expect from me. A life lived in constant fear of the one day I wake up to find you’re not there, faced with the knowledge that you’re never coming back. A life plagued with the constant worry about where you are, mind-numbing fear of what has happened to you, and agonizing uncertainty of not knowing whether you’re dead or alive!” I slam my hand down on the counter again.

  My teeth clench as anger threatens to supersede my fabricated composure. “You just waltz in here and expect me to accept your explanation, ready to move on as though nothing happened. To be willing to conveniently dismiss the fact that it was my heart which was completely demolished and that I was the one responsible for picking up the shattered pieces your disappearance left behind.” The burn of tears pricks my eyes, but I swallow them back forcefully with the refusal to display any visible form of weakness.

  Dalton remains expressionless as I attempt to gather myself before speaking. “I appreciate what you’ve done, the protection you’ve coordinated for my benefit over the past five years. I will discuss my safety concerns with Kirk moving forward. But for the time being, I need you to leave. I need … space.”

  His face is statuesque as he remains standing in place. I insistently gesture toward the door, but still, he makes no movement. His feet remain bolted to the floor until he finally decides to take a step.

  In the wrong direction.

  The rhythmic echo of his shoes striking the floor sounds as he crosses the room and enters … the bathroom?

  Dumbfounded, my jaw drops and my eyes bulge as the door shuts behind him. Seconds later he reappears, and much to my detriment, takes up residence right in front of my face. Because instead of the previous brown coloring, steely blue-grey eyes, eyes that have haunted me for years, peer down at me. I begin to take a step back, but then halt my movement and close the distance between us as I square my shoulders.

  If he thinks he can intimidate me, he’s got another thing coming.

  His jaw ticks as we continue our standoff. He narrows those eyes and searches my face before stating, “If you’re going to keep coming up with bullshit excuses, you’re going to do it while looking at me, into my eyes. Not his.”

  Fury flares within me at his harsh tone, and I no longer bother to restrain the bitterness that’s been simmering throughout this entire conversation. “They’re not excuses, Dalton. They’re fucking facts. While you were off planning the demise of Silas Kincaid’s organization, I was th
e one left behind. Alone. Scared. Angry. Because I knew you were alive Dalton. I knew it. And because of that, I was left with nothing else to do other than cry myself to sleep at night and pine my life away wishing you would come back to me. Convincing myself that I wasn’t good enough for you. That you didn’t want me after you’d had me.” My lip curls and I feel my face pinch in disgust. “You might as well have locked me up in a fucking pantry like my parents.”

  Dalton visibly flinches, then his eyes narrow as they turn cold. “Yeah, I know exactly how much you were pining for me. While I was away fighting tooth and nail, doing things I swore I would never do again—all to get back to you—imagine my surprise when I found out you had already moved on. Brandon, was it?”

  My entire body jars as the name passes through his lips. His blue eyes are ice as he leers back at me. “I haven’t just been watching you since I’ve been back in Fuller. I’ve watched you through the years. I checked up on you through Lawson. I was at Rat’s funeral. Jesus, I even went to watch you move into Wilmington. All because I fucking needed to remember what the hell I was fighting for, who I was fighting for.”

  His features tighten in frustration. “Regardless of what you think, what you’ve convinced yourself of, the truth is I never forgot you, Spence. Not one day went by that I didn’t think of you. That I didn’t crave your presence. That I didn’t pray that I was making the right decisions as I was forced to watch you start a life without me. You think I didn’t hurt too?”

  He shakes his head. “You will never fully understand what I went through knowing I had to leave you. And you will never be able to comprehend the agony of knowing you’re with someone else when everything I did, every move I made, was for you.”

  Heavy breaths escape us both. Our gazes remain locked as he steps forward, continuing the movement until my back is flush against the counter. We’re merely inches apart and my traitorous body responds as my heart fires to life and begins to pound heartily beneath my ribs. My entire body is blanketed, gradually encased in familiarity as his presence affects me the way it has since we were kids. The same feeling that I felt in Krav Maga today, and the same feeling I felt as he escorted me inside the restaurant earlier tonight.

  As the sensation spreads through my chest, Dalton’s eyes glance to where it rapidly rises and falls before lifting his gaze back to my face. His hardened features relax as he slowly shuts his eyes and inhales deeply, as though feeling the same thing. When those eyes meet mine again, the previous severity darkening them has evaporated and I’m looking into the clear blue orbs of my Dalton.

  His features tighten and his voice is just above a whisper. “I would do it again, though. I need you to know that if nothing else. I would take the risk of losing you a thousand times over just to be guaranteed your safety. To know you’re alive and breathing. Because if that’s the case, my loss is the rest of the world’s gain. Your existence, your happiness, your very life…those are all that matter to me.”

  Hesitantly, he lifts his arm to place his hand just above my heart. I swallow back more tears as he captures my wrist with his free hand, then gently secures my palm against his chest. His heart thrums beneath my fingers as he breathes. “You can avoid me, ignore me, be pissed at me … Hell, even hate me. But as sure as I still feel your heartbeat alive in my chest, you will never, ever lose me.”

  He lifts his gaze and searches my eyes. His face swims in my vision as his voice whispers what I already know. “Your heart is telling you the same thing, Spence. Just allow yourself to hear what it’s saying.”

  Overcome with every single emotion that could possibly invade my soul, I look toward the ceiling and close my eyes. Warm tears finally break free as they seep from the sides, trailing into my hair as my longing to believe his words wages the excruciating war against the fear that refuses to surrender.

  He makes no effort to stop my crying. He remains silent as he maintains his touch on my chest while ensuring mine isn’t broken, pressing it tighter against his pounding chest. Only when I inhale deeply and lower my eyes am I finally able to speak.

  “I need time, Dalton. Just to get my bearings. To process all of this.”

  His eyes roam my face. “You’re scared,” he states softly.

  Unable to speak, I nod my answer.

  He closes the mere inches of distance separating us, removing his hand from my chest to place his palm on my cheek. “Take all the time you need, Spence.” His thumb grazes lightly over my skin. “I know it’s hard for you to believe, with everything that’s happened. I don’t expect you to trust me overnight. I would never ask that of you. All I can ask is that you give me a chance to prove that I never really left.”

  He releases his hold on the hand pressed against his chest to mirror the other as he frames my face, then lowers his stare into my line of sight. His pleading eyes search mine and when I don’t refuse him, his gaze falls on my mouth. My entire body hums with electricity and instinctively, I lick my lips. His gaze darkens with the movement and remains locked on my mouth as he dips his head. Sweet, warm breaths touch my mouth as he inches closer, slowly, as though seeking permission. Suddenly, his forward movement ceases, leaving our lips millimeters apart.

  “Please. Give me a chance, Spence.”

  Panting, we stare at each other as he remains motionless. I’m completely helpless against it as my head dips with a consenting nod, and only then does he finally close the distance.

  My lids slowly descend as soft lips brush gently, apologetically, against mine. The soft hairs of his beard tickle my skin, a foreign feeling, but his lips are so overwhelmingly familiar. The same sweet taste lines my mouth as his tongue darts lightly between its seam, tenderly probing as he parts my lips. As they willingly comply, he presses his body against mine, the sensation so soothing, so comforting, I stifle a moan in my throat at the overpowering sense of relief.

  I lose myself in the gentleness of the kiss, finding solace as the warmth of his lips silences the war in my mind. For this brief amount of time, there is only us as he continues to calm me with light touches of his tongue against mine. After a few more tender caresses, he breaks the kiss, then runs his nose down the length of mine.

  I inhale contently, but when the same woodsy cologne I smelled earlier today invades my nostrils, I crinkle my nose.

  Dalton gives me a crooked smile before removing his hands from my face to place them against the counter beside me. He presses away, but I remain pinned between his forearms as he asks, “What is it? Is it the beard?”

  “No, it’s not the beard,” I answer a little too quickly. My cheeks begin to burn with embarrassment.

  His eyes take in my reddening face and he grins full-on. “Then what is it?”

  My head falls into my hands and I mutter under my breath, “So embarrassing.”

  The familiarity of his chuckle spurs my own grin from behind the safety of my concealing hands right before they’re peeled away from my face. I hesitantly glance upward and find his light blue eyes filled with silent humor as he resumes leaning against the counter. I know from experience there’s no way he will let this go. I roll my eyes before I relent.

  “You don’t smell the same.”

  Dalton widens his eyes, then dips his head toward his chest. After a couple of sniffs, he lifts his face, laughing under his breath. “So you’re saying I smell?”

  My eyes close in complete mortification before reopening and focusing on the shiny buttons on his shirt. “Well, yeah.” I shrug. “When we were younger, you used to smell sweet, like almonds or something, but now you smell like cologne. It’s just … different.”

  I fight the urge to cover my face again as his shoulders shake with laughter. Once through, he pushes himself off the counter, wraps his arms around my shoulders, then hauls me into his chest, enveloping me in an embrace. My cheek settles against the soft cotton of his shirt as he inhales deeply and his voice reverberates in his chest. “You still smell the same.”

  The warmth that is
Dalton crashes down all around me as I grin and circle my arms around his waist. His hold tightens, almost desperately as he presses his lips to the top of my head. His voice is muffled as he states, “I’ve been waiting for this night for five long years.”

  Dalton places his hand on my hair and strokes it gently. “You’re my home, Spence. I’ve never really had one, so I haven’t been able to experience the feeling, but as I’m finally able to hold you after all this time, I get it. I now understand what it feels like to come home.” Another brush of my hair ensues before he states, “I know you may not believe me, but I’m yours, completely. I have been for years now because when I gave myself to you, I gave you all of me. You completely possess me, and if it takes time for you to trust that, to trust me, then that time is yours without question. Take all you need because I’m sure as hell not going anywhere.”

  Stubborn tears soak his shirt as I remain close, my face pressed snug into his body. His arm falls again, closing me in as his heart beats with vigor in my ear. With every beat, the abysmal hole that ripped my chest wide open the night he left slowly begins to close. And as I continue to listen, as my own heart matches the rhythm, it grows stronger with each of its pulses. Shattered pieces begin to fuse as he holds me in his arms.

  I feel it.

  I feel him.

  Just as I always have.

  And the sensation is so comforting, so soothing as it encompasses me, that I forget all the protective rules I conjured years ago and allow myself to bask in the comfort of his presence.

  Dalton Greer is back.

  He’s alive.

  He’s here.

  And with his arms wrapped tightly around my body and as my heart continues to swell, I also know another thing for certain about Dalton Greer. The one thing I thought I would never be able to do, but am helpless against it.