For His Eyes Only

by Lexi Blake

  “Not right now it isn’t. And if it’s the choice I think you’re contemplating, then it might never be yours to make. Tell me you’re not thinking about walking outside and finishing this.”

  She couldn’t because it had been there in her head. She knew it was stupid, but the idea had brushed across her brain, warming her in the oddest way. All the pain would be done. All the uncertainty. Since her mother had died, she’d been essentially alone.

  These people weren’t alone. They had families and each other. They didn’t deserve to be smoked out. Not for her. She’d never managed to find a group of people who could love her. It was easy to blame that on her circumstances, but at some point she had to question whether or not she was lovable, whether or not she deserved what these people had. From the stories she’d heard, she understood that despite the fact that they weren’t blood related, they functioned as a family. They backed each other up even when they shouldn’t.

  She’d never had that with anyone other than her mother, and even her mom had sold her out to her father. It was something she could see so clearly now that she was on the other side of the truth. Her mom had let her go with her dad despite the fact that she knew what he was doing. He was using an innocent girl as cover for whatever the hell he did with his life beyond risk it all on the turn of a card.

  What the loss of her house hadn’t done, her father’s truth had. She was broken and wasn’t sure she could be repaired. She’d been made small and likely would always remain so.

  “I’m leaving here.” There was no need to take everyone else out. “I’m not going to risk the people in this building.”

  He sighed, an irritated sound. “Yes, this is why I withheld the information from you. I knew exactly what you would do. You aren’t going anywhere except into our flat.”

  “It’s yours. Not mine.” She didn’t have a freaking home anymore. According to what she’d learned earlier today, she didn’t even have a name. Not one that the world didn’t hate. She was being called a murderer. There was speculation that she was something of a whore.

  It was a dark, nasty cloud swirling in her gut and she couldn’t get it out. Never let them see you sweat. Never let them know what you feel. Don’t ever let your guard down, baby girl. That’s when they get you.

  Her father’s words.

  She needed to scream, but it was stuck in her throat.

  Nick softened slightly. “Come inside and we’ll talk this through, dushka.”

  She didn’t want to talk. She wanted to fight and hard. She wanted to hit someone and make him hurt and bleed. It was wrong, but the rage that sat inside her, normally bubbling softly, had the flame turned up to high. It was boiling over.

  She pulled against him again, twisting her arm. “Fuck you, Nick. Let me go.”

  His grip tightened, still not hurting her though. As if she was the soft, fluffy girl and he didn’t need to use even a half effort to contain her. “No. I’ll take you to Damon or Ian if that’s truly your wish, but they won’t allow you to leave this building either. Stop behaving like a child and get inside so we can talk this through.”

  “I don’t want to fucking talk to you.”

  “Fine. We don’t have to talk at all. We’ll resolve your problem in another manner. You will walk inside and pull down your pants and then you’ll feel the flat of my hand on your ass until you cry out all the tension you can’t seem to find words for.”

  She hated the fact that he could see through her. What she didn’t hate was the shiver the idea of submitting to him sent through her body.

  Like a predator sensing weakness, he moved in for the kill. “Then let me take your mind off everything for an hour. We have a little time before we have to be back with the group. Give me this time to help you relax. Show me some trust and let me make you feel good.”

  Probably a bad idea. She still had so many questions. Questions about him. “I can’t. I can’t pretend that everything’s all right. My father is alive. He’s a liar. You’re a liar, too. You didn’t tell me.”

  “Guess what, my darling? I would do it again if this is the way you behave when we hit a small snag in our plans. I distracted you because you have no idea how to handle any of this. I will not allow you to sacrifice yourself in some idiotic plan.” He leaned over. “And I’m done pretending that you’re in charge of this. You’ve proven you can’t be.”

  He let her wrist go but before she could even think about walking away, he’d hooked an arm under her knees and hauled her up. He lifted her like she weighed nothing. Nick strode through the door, kicking it closed behind him.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” She was worried he knew exactly what he was doing and that her body was about to betray her.

  Or would it be a betrayal? Was her body merely taking over when her mind couldn’t find a way to cope?

  “You have two choices once I put you down. You can sit on the couch and wait for the meeting with the group or you can take your clothes off and we can work through some of this tension between us.”

  “Because sex is going to solve everything.” She knew damn well it wouldn’t solve a thing. But it might give her a few moments of peace. Did she deserve that?

  “Do you think that talking will do it?” Nick shot back. “Because it doesn’t seem like you’re capable of saying anything at all mature right now.”

  Did he have to be such an ass? “It’s not immature to give a damn about the people around me. There are kids here. Have you thought about that even once? What happens if these people decide to toss a bomb at the building to see if I’ll run outside? How would you feel if you were the reason one of those kids got hurt or even died?”

  “Your choice.” He moved into the middle of his sparse living room. “The couch or the bedroom. If I sense you getting off the couch for any reason, I’ll tie you up and you can attend the debrief with rope around your wrists and ankles. It’s your choice. We can work through this in a pleasurable way or I’ll make us some tea and we’ll sit in silence until you can say something that makes sense.”

  She went stubbornly silent. He wanted to be an asshole? She could be a bitch.

  A hollow feeling opened in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to feel this way. She didn’t want to choose between silence and rage and walking outside in a suicidal attempt to find some peace.

  “Dushka, it doesn’t have to be this way. You’re upset and hurting and I understand that. I know this place you’re in and it’s terrible. You’ve been betrayed by people you loved. You need a place to put all those nasty emotions roiling through you. If you want to punch me, do it. I’ll take it. If you need to scream at me, I’ll take everything you have to give me if it will help. I would rather work it out another way, but I won’t allow you to hurt yourself. I wouldn’t do it as a bodyguard and I won’t do it as your lover. So I can be the bodyguard and protect you that way. I can be your friend and allow you to spit bile my way until you get it all out. Or I can be your lover and I can give you what you need.”

  He was right about one thing. There was something nasty bubbling up. Anger. Despair. A desperate need to make someone pay for how she was feeling. “What the fuck do you know about what I need?”

  “I told you I’ve been where you are. I’ve felt what you are feeling right now. You want to know why those mobsters took a shot at me today? Because after they murdered my sister, I tore through them. The man who sent assassins today? I killed his son because his son tore my sweet sister apart. That was how I dealt with what you’re feeling right now. You have to find a place to put your rage or it will kill you.”

  Some of the fight went out of her. “Nicky…”

  He shook his head. “Not now. I can’t talk about her now. I have to concentrate on you. I know you’re afraid, but you…you’re the last link to a part of my life that’s important to me. You’re important to me. I’m feeling this, too. Make your choice. Bodyguard or lover.”

  Was he feeling the same desperate panic that
had lodged in her bones?

  If he truly cared about her, maybe he did. If he loved her, even a little, maybe he was hurting, too. They did have things to work out, but being held in his arms eased some of the pressure already.

  “Lover.”

  He eased her down, though he kept his hands on her. His head moved in, brushing his lips against hers. “We will talk. Later. For now, you will take off your clothes. You will offer your body to me and I will accept.”

  A shiver went through her and her hands came up to his chest, feeling the heat of his body through the shirt he wore. He’d promised that he would be able to get her hot with words alone and he’d come through on that one. Her nipples had peaked and she could feel warmth pooling deep inside her body. “Yes.”

  His eyes went hot. “Yes? That is all I get?”

  “Yes, Sir.” The panic was still there, the hurt and betrayal, but they were all being drowned out by need. Need to touch him. Need to submit.

  Need to give over because she might find a place where she didn’t have to be strong. A place where she only had to concentrate on him.

  “Then you know what I want.” He stood there, his hands on his hips.

  Her hands went to the buttons of her shirt, as though they knew to obey that dark voice even before her mind had processed it. She slipped the shirt off and tossed it over the chair before working on the clasp of her bra.

  Yes. This was what she needed. This was better than spitting bile and vitriol. This was better than arguing over things that neither one of them could fix.

  He stared at her, his eyes catching her own, and she felt drawn into him. She wasn’t sure how or why this one man could do this to her, but she couldn’t fight it. Didn’t even want to. It felt too good to let him take over.

  “Yes, that’s what I need.” His jaw had gone tight as her breasts bounced free. “I need you naked and willing. It doesn’t work if you don’t want me as much as I want you.”

  “I don’t know much right now. Everything is upside down,” she admitted. “The one thing I do know is that I want you.”

  She wouldn’t be able to keep him. At this point, she wasn’t sure she would be alive tomorrow. Despite everything he’d said, there would come a point that she would have to make a decision between her comfort and the lives of others.

  But he was right. They had the now.

  She stripped off her jeans, dragging the undies with them. It was the first day she’d worn them. All the others since that first one, he’d kept her naked or in a robe. They’d found an oddly innocent wonderland in his sparse apartment where they didn’t need clothes or the company of others.

  She wished she could stay here forever. In this apartment. In this moment. When she was with him she was somehow larger than she was alone.

  She dropped to her knees. How had she ever been afraid of this? Been ignorant of what this truly meant? Perhaps for some, submission was the deference of one person’s hopes and needs, but for her it offered freedom. Not freedom from—though there was an element of that. Freedom from her own rigidity, from her worries and fears.

  But what truly called to her was the freedom that submission offered. This was what Ariel and Kayla had talked about. Freedom to be someone she’d thought she shouldn’t be. Freedom to explore parts of herself long buried. Freedom to indulge.

  She took a deep breath and listened to her body for once. She let it flow over her, the way the air cooled her skin, the way her hair felt as it brushed her shoulders, how straight her spine could be.

  This was freedom to enjoy her body, to love it. No one had ever encouraged her to love her body, but now it seemed an essential part of coming to terms with herself.

  “Yes, this is what I want for you.” Nick put a hand on her head. “It’s about more than sex, dushka, though never think that’s far from my mind. This is about connection. When we’ve fought or one of us has had an awful day, we reset it all by finding this place together. Your calm is bringing about my own. Do you know how long I waited for this?”

  “Since she died, I would suspect.” Even thinking of her…of Desiree…didn’t pierce her the way it had before. Des was gone and Hayley was here.

  His hand fisted in her hair, forcing her to look up at him. “She never brought me peace.”

  Hayley understood. “She was too exciting for that.”

  He shook his head. “I’m older than you and while you might be so much smarter, I am wiser in this. Do not discount the need for peace. What you might call love, I call passion. It’s hot and it rages and it doesn’t fill a man. This…what we have right here and right now…this fills me. This completes me in a way I’ve never been complete before. Throw out your notions of wild passion. Give me peace, Hayley. Give me joy.”

  She couldn’t help the tears that pierced her eyes. It had occurred to her that the days they’d spent together had been a way to keep her from learning the truth and being troublesome. What if she was wrong? What if she’d been wrong all along? “I thought you would get bored with me.”

  His face softened as he stared down at her. “Never. The last few days have been the best of my life. Never forget that. Never forget the gift you have given me. Now let me give you one of my own. Stay here. Don’t move. I want you to close your eyes and think about what I’m going to do to you. Let images roll through your brain. You’re not to open your eyes again until I tell you to. If I catch you, there will be punishment, but you know you can handle that as well now.”

  Because the spankings he’d given her were more about pleasure than real discipline. She’d been hesitant at first, but like all the experiences Nick had given her so far, she’d come away from it with a smile on her face.

  “Yes, Sir.” She closed her eyes and let the darkness sink in as the sound of his shoes against the hardwood thudded through the space.

  She tried to concentrate on feeling her body, but the anxiety of the day beat at the gates of her mind.

  Deep breath. There wasn’t a place for that here. This was the place for her and Nick, and no anxiety or fear was going to ruin it.

  What would he do to her? What was he doing in the back of the apartment? She thought he’d gone back to the bedroom, likely to the closet where he kept a leather bag he called his kit. It contained all manner of sexy toys. He’d taken them out one by one and showed her a few nights before. He’d tied her up and forced her to look at each one as he explained what they did and how he would use them on her. He’d shown her nipple clamps with little teeth that would bite into her tender flesh and floggers with soft falls that would thud against her skin. He’d demonstrated the way a violet wand could crackle over her and how good a vibrator could feel when someone else was wielding it.

  What would her life be like after Nick? If she had any life at all? Would she ever find another man who cared enough to spend hours exploring her body, showing her how deeply connected to another person she could be?

  If she survived this, would it matter if she couldn’t be with Nick? She might bring him peace, but was that enough to sustain them?

  No one stayed. Not for long. Not unless they needed her for something.

  How long would Nick stay? Or allow her to stay? What exactly would she do here in England? Somehow she couldn’t see him happily going to faculty parties and enjoying quiet nights in front of the television while she worked on grading papers.

  If she could find a job. If she could clear her name.

  What had she worked for? Why had she worked so hard to find someplace to settle down only to discover that a house was nothing but a house when she was all alone inside it? She’d reacted to a nomadic lifestyle by buying a bland and colorless place and then walling herself up inside it so no one could touch her.

  So no one could think to love her. It had seemed safe at the time, but felt so hollow now.

  She would be empty and hollow again, but this time she would realize it. This time she would feel the ache of it.

  “You’re crying.”


  She lowered her head, but didn’t open her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  A warm hand tilted her chin up. “No, this is part of what I want. You need this. You need to cry.”

  She shook her head. Somehow it was easier to talk to him with her eyes closed. “No. I’m not supposed to cry. It’s a weakness.”

  “And who told you this?”

  “My father.”

  “He’s a liar. There is no weakness in your tears.” Fingertips brushed against her cheeks, wiping away the evidence. “There’s only strength. You weep. You release. You move forward. I want your tears. I want all of you. You will give them to me.”

  She breathed in. “I’m fine, Nicky. I want what you promised me. I want to feel good.”

  “I never promised this. I promised to give you what you need. I think you do not realize how much you need this. Lean forward and get on your hands and knees.”

  She couldn’t help it. Her eyes came open. “I’m sorry I cried. I don’t like to do it.”

  His mouth tightened, lips forming a straight line. “Did I ask you what you liked? I did not. I gave you an order that I believe will lead to your comfort and pleasure. If you do not wish to follow orders, say your safe word and be done.”

  “I don’t want to cry.”

  “Then don’t.”

  “But you’re going to make me, aren’t you?”

  “I’m going to give you a reason to. If you don’t, it’s going to sit inside you. It’s going to eat away at your soul. Get the poison out. Unless you would prefer my way. I can help you to execute your father. I can allow you to watch while I make him sorry he ever lies to you. Or you could weep and let yourself feel the hurt so you can allow yourself to begin to heal. Pain like this is a festering wound. If you attend it, it can heal. If you ignore it, this sore grows until it leaks through your whole body and mind and warps you in ways you can’t imagine.”

  “Like it warped you?”

  He nodded slowly. “Yes, like it warps me. I am only now beginning to think I can be someone different. Someone better.”

  “Would you really kill him for me?”