For His Eyes Only

by Lexi Blake

  “Dude, I don’t know if you noticed, but your history professor is totally wanted for murdering a cop,” Taggart pointed out.

  “This she did not do.”

  Taggart’s shoulders rolled. Even his body seemed sarcastic. “I was merely pointing out that there’s an upside to everything. She lost her job and it’s going to be a long road to get that back. She’s a wanted criminal, so the Butcher’s looking better and better to her. That’s all I’m saying.”

  “Nikolai, we all know why you did what you did.” Damon was demonstrably more reasonable than his partner. “We know what they did to your sister.”

  Hayley didn’t know. Hayley didn’t understand the extent of his revenge or the consequences it had on them in the past and the future. “Still, there will always be threats to me. It’s no way for her to live.”

  “Yes, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Taggart said, turning serious. “It seems that old man in Moscow has reupped his efforts to take you out, and a few more have crawled out of the woodwork. Do you recognize any of these names?”

  Taggart slid a file folder his way. He opened it and realized it contained a list of horrors. Five men he’d hurt in some way and who were vowing revenge even after all these years.

  “According to my sources in Russia, all these men have at one point in time either attempted to kill you themselves or put out a hit on you,” Taggart continued, his voice as calm as if he was speaking of the weather. “I would suspect once the news gets out that Boris and his men have made another attempt, they’ll try harder.”

  He’d kept a low profile here in England the last few years. He’d worked all over Europe and in the States very quietly. He’d stayed away from any known Bratva hangouts until earlier today. Years of work undone in a single reckless moment.

  “I know all these names and yes, they will come after me if they can pin down my location.” Nick closed the folder, his soul sinking. “They will come for me and for anyone who is close to me.”

  He hadn’t thought about the far-reaching ramifications of his actions. He’d only thought about Hayley. His whole team could be under fire because of him. If those men knew how much his teammates meant to him, they would each be targets in a game of revenge. They had hard enough jobs as it was. They didn’t need to dodge Russian assassins. “I should go.”

  “Where?” Damon asked.

  He should go back home and choose his path. He could continue down the road and take out the men who were trying to kill him, leave their wives widows and their children with vengeance in their hearts. They would come for him one day, too, when they were old enough. Or he could walk into a bar in Moscow, order his favorite vodka, and wait for the inevitable to happen.

  When he thought about it, he’d always been on this path. Ever since the day he’d chosen revenge over Hayley. He’d made the choice and now he had to live with it. He’d chosen blood and it was time to pay for it.

  “It doesn’t matter where.” He closed the folder. “All that matters is I’ve become a burden to this group. I cannot do my job properly and my situation will hamper my fellow operatives’ function as well.”

  “Dude, way to distance.” Taggart sat back as though eager to watch the show playing out in front of him. “Told you he would go right for martyrdom. You Euros are so predictable. Too much Shakespeare and crap, I say.”

  “You think I should stay and allow my team members to take punishment meant for me?” He shook his head and stood up. “No, I will remain as long as it takes to ensure a smooth transition for Hayley, and then I will leave and deal with the consequences of my actions.”

  “Or you could sit back down and discuss with your team how to handle the situation,” Damon replied. “You have options. You’re not alone in this, although I know it suits you to think so.”

  “It doesn’t suit me.” But he wasn’t sure how to think anything else. “And I don’t see a proper way out of this that wouldn’t cost more than I would be willing to pay.”

  “Charlotte and I would like to open talks with her cousin,” Taggart explained. “We feel these men could be persuaded to drop their pursuit of you if Dusan stepped in. They all have deep ties and Dusan can use those ties to make them see that killing you isn’t going to solve anything.”

  And then he would be indebted to another mobster, this time the head of a syndicate. “No. I won’t get back into that world.”

  “Not even if it means getting out from under it?” Taggart asked. “Not even if it means getting your girl and being safe?”

  “But she wouldn’t be safe. You play at the edge of this world. I’m sure that Dusan Denisovitch seems like a tamed tiger because he is the cousin of your wife, but I assure you he has teeth and he will use them. He will want things from me. Favors. Things I no longer do for men like him.”

  He couldn’t go back to that life. It would destroy him as surely as losing Hayley was going to. At least this way he will have kept what little soul he had left.

  “It doesn’t have to be like that,” Damon insisted. “Why don’t you sit down and listen? Denisovitch is close to Charlotte. He’s oddly attached to his family.”

  But there were no family ties with him. Dusan would tell Charlotte what she wanted to hear, but one day he would come for his payment from Nick. “I said no. Respect this. I’ll talk to Brody. He should handle Hayley from here on out. I trust him and I know he’ll protect her with his life.”

  “You’re going to give up?” Damon was staring at him like he’d grown two heads.

  “I’m going to do the right thing.” They couldn’t understand. Neither of the men in front of him had ever fucked up the way he had. They would never face something like this.

  “How is what you’re doing different from Hayley?” Taggart asked. “You shut her down when she was so worried about Charlie or one of us getting hurt. I suspect it was a conversation you might have had more than once this afternoon. I saw how upset she was earlier. I thought you might have to talk her into staying rather than throwing herself out into the storm to save the others. Yet you’re willing to do the same extremely stupid thing.”

  “It’s not the same at all. Hayley is innocent. Hayley hasn’t done a damn thing to deserve the pain that’s coming her way. I did. I made the choice and I knew what could happen. Here it is and I’m not going to back away from the consequences, certainly not when doing so could end up harming a woman I care about.”

  “Oh, I think you’re planning on hurting her anyway,” Damon replied. “Even before all of this went down. Or were you planning on asking her to stay with you?”

  He found refuge in logic. “You know she’s only been here for a few days. I would think I could have at least a week to decide if I should marry her. You move fast, Damon.”

  Taggart held up a hand. “I did. I married my Charlie within a few weeks of meeting her. Here’s a key though. Keep eyes on her. Sometimes wives are slippery things and they get away.”

  Damon ignored him. “Do you think I don’t know who she is? She’s the one woman in years who actually threatened to come between you and Desiree. Des talked about her one night. I never mentioned it because it felt like she was bragging about the fact that she’d managed to get you to walk away from a woman you genuinely loved to be with her. It was Hayley she was talking about, am I right?”

  Shame threatened to wash over him. She’d gloated about that? “I was going to run away with her. With Hayley. Des and I had broken things off. She showed up and she had all the information I needed to get the men who’d killed my sister. I made my choice then. My mistake this time around was getting into bed with her again. It was selfish. Yes, I’m going to hurt her again. I can’t seem to not hurt her. Tell me you’ll take care of her.”

  “And if I won’t?” Damon sat back, awaiting his answer.

  He wasn’t playing this game. He turned to Taggart. “You owe me. I lost Des on a mission for you. For your brother. If you won’t pay Theo’s debt, I’ll call him.�
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  “Is everything a debt to you, Nikolai?” Taggart sounded more serious than he’d ever heard him. There was a sickening sympathy in the other man’s eyes. “You know the world doesn’t have to be a ledger sheet where you tally up your life by what you owe and who owes you. It can be something more. Damon is trying to help you.”

  He hated the way he felt. Stupid and small. Ridiculous. “Will you or will you not honor the debt you owe me?”

  “I will take care of Hayley because she deserves taking care of, because I would never leave a woman alone in this situation.” Taggart’s words were measured, but there was no way to mistake the disappointment in them.

  He had to take that as a win. “Excellent. I’m going to talk to Brody. He can handle her here in England. If you take her back to the States, I would prefer you select your best bodyguard for her. I can send you the money.”

  Taggart held up a hand. “No. Like you said, I do owe you and I’ll make certain she’s taken care of. Besides, my best bodyguard is a six-foot, five-inch Cajun.”

  Yes, Nick had met the man before. He was a smooth-talking ladies’ man, but he was excellent at his job. He would also try to do his job from the other side of Hayley’s bed if he got the chance. Bastard. Taggart couldn’t assign one of the married guards?

  What was he doing? Once he walked away he wouldn’t have any influence at all on her. He wouldn’t be the one to guide her. Hell, she would curse his name because he would be the asshole who’d used her and walked away twice.

  He wouldn’t be here if she needed help again. He wouldn’t see this through to ensure she had a good life because he would be dead, having paid his final debt.

  Or would he have? What did he owe Hayley?

  “Nikolai, you don’t have to decide this today,” Damon said softly. “Why don’t you take a few days and think this over. Don’t be reckless with her. I know you think you’re keeping her safe, but she’s all right here and everyone on this team wants you to stay. We’ll all have your back. That’s not something to throw away lightly.”

  “Talk to Charlie when she gets back from her date.” Taggart closed his folder and started to get up. “Ask her what she thinks her cousin is going to want from you and if it’s worth the risk to try to get your life back.”

  “How can you do it? How can you send Charlotte out there like that? Put her in danger? I’m not trying to be insulting. I’m trying to understand how it doesn’t eat you up inside.”

  Taggart grinned, a youthful expression. “Oh, I do it because I trust that woman with my everything. I do it because she’s worth the risk. I didn’t fall in love with her because she was a safe bet. I fell because she was the single most incredible woman I’ve ever met. Hayley’s never going to want to work an undercover mission for fun. She’s not that girl, but that’s okay. Figure out why you fell for her and then trust her instincts. If she wants to stay with you, trust that she’s smart enough to know what’s best for her.”

  “But it’s not best for her.” That was what he couldn’t understand.

  “Sometimes our wives are far smarter than we are.” Damon stood up as well. “They understand that our life is only possible if we’re together, that what we become when we love someone else is worth fighting for. It’s worth dying for if it comes to it. Talk to Charlotte. Spend more time with Hayley and when you’re ready, talk to her, too. Make this decision together.”

  They nodded and walked out and Nick was left devastated and completely unsure of what to do.

  He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t put her in harm’s way. They were wrong.

  Weren’t they?

  He slumped into his chair, weary beyond measure. How could he possibly do what Taggart asked him to do? He couldn’t be in some mobster’s pocket.

  Fuck but he missed Owen. Owen used to be his sounding board. Well, when he thought to talk about something. Mostly Owen had been the one to realize when Nick was falling into what he used to call bloody Russian ennui. Owen had been the one to sit and drink with him after Des died. They hadn’t talked, but Owen hadn’t allowed him to be alone.

  Owen hadn’t come to him when his mum and sister had been threatened. Owen hadn’t trusted him. That said something.

  Hell, he missed Des. She’d been a righteous bitch and yet somehow she’d also been his best friend for years. Selfish and manipulative, and sometimes she’d given him the best advice of his life.

  Of course, Des would remind him that Hayley didn’t belong in their world. She would point out that Hayley would likely die in their world.

  The door came open, unwelcome light spilling in right before a shadow filled the space. Big, broad shoulders nearly touched either side of the doorway and then he heard a familiar brogue.

  “Hello, Mr. Markovic. Have you seen Mr. Knight? I have the report he asked about.”

  As though he’d conjured the man, Owen was here. “They left a few moments ago. You should probably be able to find them upstairs either in Damon’s office or in his flat.”

  The shadow nodded and turned to go. He managed a step away and then turned. “You all right, mate?”

  “I’m fine. I’m getting some work in.”

  “In the dark?” Owen stepped inside, leaving the door half open, but he didn’t move to turn on the light.

  “I was thinking.” He’d been ordered to think. Thinking wasn’t working for him. “About the case, of course.”

  Owen sank down into the chair beside him. “Of course. Darkness is good for thinking. Good for brooding, too. Nothing like a good brood in the dark.”

  “Was there something you needed?” Why was he still here? Didn’t he have a job to do?

  “Just seemed to be working for you.” If Owen heard the irritation in his tone, he didn’t show it. He sighed and sat back. “You’re right. It’s nice in here. Quiet. The other lads can be a bit loud and they’re all antsy since the CIA guy showed up.”

  So Fain was busy causing trouble everywhere. Good to know. “What’s he doing? You have to know Damon won’t allow him to abuse you. He’s explained to Fain that no drugs will be allowed or weird therapies. Your memories either come back or they don’t.”

  “Nah, Fain’s not a bad guy. He’s trying to make connections, but the others get anxious about it.”

  “But not you.”

  “I know who I was. The rest don’t, so it’s rather like having a carrot dangled in front of a starving donkey. They try to chase the bloody thing but it’s just out of reach and they end up tired and cranky. Punching each other only helps for so long. Those lads need women. I’m going to talk to Robert about bringing in some professionals.”

  That would be a fun business deduction.

  Fuck, he was going to miss this place.

  “Have you thought about leaving?” Nick had often wondered. “You do know who you are. You have a home back in Edinburgh. Why not go?”

  “An empty home and no memories of it. Damon took me up there to see if anything would jog me memory. I walked around this place and it was a bit surreal. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see pictures of yourself and you’re smiling and the person in the picture looks like he’s the happiest man in the world, and you can’t remember a damn thing about it? I know I did something terrible because I was trying to save my mum and sister and I can’t remember their names. When they showed me photos, they were strangers to me. No. This is me home now. In that way, I’m like the rest of them. This is the only place I know.”

  Sometimes Nick wondered what it would be like to forget. To forget all his mistakes, all the bad choices he’d made, the evil deeds he’d done. To be new and fresh. Could he have been with Hayley then? If he’d been the one to take that hit and Owen the one left standing? Would he have been worthy of Hayley then?

  “One of the things I saw when Damon took me to the house I used to live in was a picture of us,” Owen continued. “We were standing outside and we were dressed in suits. I wonder why we were in those suits?”

  O
r perhaps Nick would merely find that his sins were still out there lurking and he was utterly blind. Not that this particular picture was a sin of Owen’s. It hadn’t been. “You took me home with you for Christmas the year Desiree died. Your mother insisted on taking a picture of us before we went to church that morning.”

  He’d been sad and alone and Owen’s family had welcomed him and made what could have been a dreadful time into something survivable.

  A long breath sighed from Owen and he took a moment before speaking again. “What was Mum like? I look at her picture and I don’t know who she is. I don’t know what kind of food she liked or if she was happy. She’s nothing but a face in a photo next to mine. I don’t recognize that smiling bloke either.”

  He’d only met Owen’s mother a few times, but he’d picked up on her character. “She was a strong woman. Your father left when you were young and she had to raise you and Hannah on her own. She worked in a laundry for years, rough work but she managed to save enough to buy that house. She was proud of it. She made a nice beef stew and cooked a goose every Christmas, from what you told me. She loved you, Owen. That’s all you have to know.”

  Katja had loved him. Should that have been enough? Would she have been pleased with his bloody vengeance and what it cost him? Now, sitting here in the dark with a bleak future ahead, he somehow doubted it. Had he honored his sister or his own rage?

  “Do you hate me now, Nick?”

  His heart twisted because it was one of the first times Owen had used his Christian name rather than being formal. “No. I don’t hate you. I might have done the same thing in your place. I just…”

  “What?”

  “I have a question, but I’m asking the wrong man.”

  “Ask anyway. Ariel says I’m still somewhere in here. She says my impulses likely haven’t changed. Ask me and I’ll try to give you the answer he would have.”

  This question had been an ache in his soul for months. “I would love to be able to ask you why. Why didn’t you come to me? We were partners. I would have helped you in any way I could have.”