by Gaby Dunn
My professor had no empathy. I asked if I could retake the exam since I’ve been absorbed in the paper, and he was like: nah. So now my honors scholarship might be on probation, and there is no way I can afford to go here without it. My dead grandma’s government bonds aren’t enough to cover the whole tuition.
I’m so fucked. I guess I’ll have to actually study for the final. Remember when being exceptionally smart was enough to get by?
Re: IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Oh, no! I’m so sorry! What happened? Did you just not study at all? You’re the smartest person I know, but there’s no way for you to know details about Earth’s geological core without actually reading about it.
Could you do extra credit of some sort? Does that exist in college?
I’m sure it will be fine. Just start trying and ace the final. The scholarship is there until it isn’t, so there is no use worrying about something that isn’t actually happening. (This is a Dr. Baker original! I’m loving it!)
If it makes you feel any better, I showed my parents the most recent cut of my short and they both smiled and said, “It’s not really for us.” I cried.
9:13 PM EST
Why does everyone get to see this motherfucking movie other than me?
No one else is going to see it. Ever.
Come on. Did they really say that?
Basically! They didn’t laugh the entire time, and when I asked if they hated it, my mom said, “I was just trying to listen.”
Ruth has a hard time hearing!
It’s awful. I can’t believe I wasted everyone’s time making it.
It’s not awful. U’ve never done anything awful.
What about my wardrobe all of 10th grade?
Not the same. And it was worth it for the TBT photos.
I feel so embarrassed! I’m such an idiot!
UR not an idiot. I’m actually failing a class and I’m not embarrassed. I’m just mad.
You’re always mad.
Correct.
YOU WERE RIGHT
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Revel in it. Brag about it. And then shut up please.
I spent the night with Alex. WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX. But we did kiss for a bit!! EEP!
How did this happen, you ask? I have no idea.
I went into the office last night to pitch some ideas to Kent, my editor, but he was off LARPing somewhere. The only other person around was Alex. But he wasn’t working. He was just watching Curb on the managing editor’s computer and eating popcorn. I didn’t even know the Beacon had a microwave. I pulled up a chair and we didn’t speak for an entire episode. But by the third one we were having a great time and the popcorn was gone. He asked if I wanted to get a real meal and discuss Larry David’s dependence on J. B. Smoove. I agreed. I thought we would just go somewhere local, but he suggested this poke place in East Boston.
We took the Blue Line to get there. I fell into him on the T and then sort of stayed close. As an experiment. He didn’t move away. He was wearing a bow tie and hair gel. It almost felt like we hadn’t been involved in a feud since the moment we met!
Dinner was fun. I felt nervous for some reason. In addition to being a snarky asshole, Alex is very smart. I don’t feel dumb around him, but I certainly feel silly if I talk too long or monopolize the conversation (my normal MO).
After dinner he asked if I had plans. I said I didn’t and he looked surprised. He said he assumed I always had plans. For some reason I found this offensive and felt the need to inform him that I often do nothing and that my best friend in the entire world is a huge homebody weirdo. He laughed and asked if I wanted to go home now. I said no. So we went candlepin bowling.
Turns out, it’s even harder to bowl when the pins are smaller. But that didn’t stop Alex from crushing it. He was like exceptionally good at using a heavy ball to knock down wood. I don’t know why this is so attractive to me.
At this point I still couldn’t tell if it was a date or not, and I think Alex felt the same way. I tried to make it a point to ask him to show me how to throw the ball correctly, but he just talked through his own throw instead of showing me with my body. WHICH IS THE MOST CLASSIC DATE MOVE.
We finished a third round around 11 and then stood in front of the train station not sure what to do. My mind was racing with all of these thoughts, and then I heard your voice loud and clear: “He likes you, you idiot!” So I kissed him.
And it was ALL THE FEELS. Like the MOST FEELS! My stomach turned and it was romantic. I felt like a princess? Or a knight? Holy shit, was it good. I didn’t even want to get a room. I just wanted to stand outside with him forever.
WHO AM I?! THIS IS DISGUSTING!
Finally I asked if I could come home with him, and he looked startled. He always looks startled whenever I say anything. He mumbled, “Sure,” took my hand, and led me to the train.
I don’t think I said anything the entire way home. And I was completely awake. Is this how shy people feel all the time? It’s horrible. And exhausting. I kept trying to think of something interesting or informed to say. I came up with nothing. Alex didn’t say anything either, but he seemed content to sit in silence, which is another type of person I can’t relate to. It took all of my restraint to stop myself from taking out my phone and playing Best Fiends. Alex seems too intellectual for a puzzle adventure game.
Once we got to his house, I felt more comfortable. We started joking about Kent, my editor, who is always a source of endless fodder. Who is picking out his clothes? Why do they not fit?
After a full hour of not kissing, I asked if we could kiss again. Alex laughed. I had to ask a SECOND time. He allowed it. We then did some PG bed kissing until I fell asleep (I’m assuming from all of the emotional exhaustion). In the morning, he told me not to tell anyone.
Yes, you heard that right. HE told ME, the master of discretion, not to tell anyone. Who am I going to tell? Kent the virgin?
He then mumbled some stuff about work and not wanting to mix business with pleasure. I honestly stopped listening because I was so offended. Did he really think I was going to tell anyone? Why would I do that? We are both vying for the same position. I’m not giving the Beacon any ammo to use against me.
Honestly, the whole thing felt like a power play, but I’m going to ignore it. Maybe he has some secret girlfriend. Maybe he finds my unrelenting confidence embarrassing? Either way, this will be a secret, torrid affair.
How was your night?
HUGS AND MANIPULATION,
G
Re: YOU WERE RIGHT
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
How have you hooked up with so many people in so little amount of time? This is not judgment. This is pure admiration and genuine curiosity. How. Do. You. Do. It?? Is it a pheromone? Is it something to be taught? Have you just been lying this whole time and you’re a virgin? TELL ME.
I also have some gender and sexuality questions about Alex’s … hardware. But I am afraid to ask. Maybe you could just tell me and not make me feel like an ignorant IDIOT.
I had an uneventful night writing. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I HATE WRITING. It is the worst, most painful exercise in masochism. Who am I to think that I have anything worth saying? All of my assignments have been trite and predictable. How will I possibly write an entire feature next semester? (Technically I only have to write an entire outline, but it’s basically the same thing minus 80 pages.) I would change majors, but I can’t think of anything else worth doing (you know, other than saving lives or making a lot of money).
I know this is dumb, but I feel like a writer? Even if I hate writing? Is that allowed?
Meeting with Curtis today to finish the cut. I want to scra
p the whole thing, but that doesn’t seem fair to everyone who worked on it for free. I should probably have a cast and crew screening. Maybe on the night of the ZBT Date Dash???? Jokes.
I hate everything.
10:27 AM EST
Why does my body hurt all the time?
Hmmm
Poor diet? Lack of exercise? The human condition?
Cool. Cool. Any tips?
Other than murder-suicide.
Drink more water?
REALISTIC TIPS! SOMETHING I COULD ACTUALLY DO!
When having sex, try more vigorous positions to increase your heart rate.
THANK YOU! V HELPFUL.
I can’t believe you’ve had sex.
I know it’s crazy!
What positions have you tried?
Just the one.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF USC
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Sorry. That was the best I could do in terms of a subject line about female drama. I guess it’s not even female drama. Maybe I should I have said BACHELOR IN USC. (Is it clear that I don’t watch reality TV and have a hard time connecting with my peers?)
I had lunch with Sophia and started talking to her about the short and referred to Jake as my boyfriend. She made a face. I guess she didn’t know we were back together or official. I was confused because I thought she liked Jake. Maybe a little too much. It turns out that she did like Jake until he tried to kiss her in my parents’ house during a “take five.”
Apparently she found the come-on aggressive, and he got pissy when she rejected him. I listened to her story in complete shock. On the one hand, we weren’t together at the time and he was allowed to make a fool of himself however and with whomever he wanted. On the OTHER hand, what the fuck! He tried to hook up with another girl in my house??? Why is he dating me if he doesn’t even like me as much as he likes Sophia? Am I sloppy seconds? But not even sloppy, because she rejected him? Also, why did she reject him? Was it out of loyalty to me or an aversion to him? Is there anyone I can trust anymore?
I don’t know what to do. We are supposed to hang out tonight, but I am so mad and anxious I want to rip my skin off. Why can’t anything ever just be nice or easy? Why am I in a constant state of torment? If this is life, no thanks.
10:01 PM EST
Are you hurting yourself?
Ava?
I’m gonna call your mom if you don’t respond.
9:05 PM PST
Sorry. Was in class.
Only you would go to class during a complete meltdown.
I have to go. You are required to go to class.
Did you hurt yourself?
Not bad. Just scratches.
Where?
Stomach. It’s fine. No razor.
Are you gonna tell your mom?
No way. Maybe my therapist.
OK.
No boy is worth this.
It’s not his fault. It’s my fault. I don’t have coping mechanisms.
OK. Can you ask for those?
Ha. I’ve been asking my whole life.
What are you going to do now?
See my cheating boyfriend.
Don’t. Cancel until you feel better.
I will never feel better.
That’s the spirit!
12:32 AM EST
How is it going?
I don’t know.
How do you not know?
I don’t know.
Do you want me to talk to him?
No.
9:40 PM PST
Stop FaceTiming me!
I want to talk to Jake!
You’re drunk. Go home.
Jazmin thinks you should dump him.
You’re both drunk.
Jazmin wants to talk to Jake!
Power off.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I don’t want to tell you.
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Why?? Are you OK??
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I’m fine. I’m better. I just know you won’t like what happened so I don’t want to talk about it.
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
“That’s not how friendship works.”—Ava Helmer, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017
I don’t care “what” happened. I just care if you’re OK.
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I’m fine. I talked to Jake about it, and he thought I already knew. He assumed girls tell each other everything and thought it was water under the bridge. He never really liked her; he just got caught up in the shoot. (Once we wrapped he realized that she is a bit of a bitch. I don’t think that’s true, but she is standoffish.) If anything, the incident with her made him realize how much he liked me. We also talked about the sorority, and now I understand his point of view better. He wants to have fun with me and spend more time with me and thinks it will be easier if we are both in the Greek system. I told him I’d go to Date Dash with an open mind and not make any rash decisions right away. He felt terrible that I felt terrible and stroked my hair for the longest anyone has stroked my hair. I don’t know. I want to be happy. And he (mostly) makes me happy. Don’t judge me.
11:56 PM EST
OK. Love you.
You don’t think I’m an idiot?
Don’t put words in my mouth.
AND THE PLOT THICKENS
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Last night at our weekly meeting, Kent, my editor, announced that our faculty adviser, Ric, would be stepping down due to a family obligation in the Midwest. First of all, that’s weird. And vague. Don’t tell a bunch of nosey reporters that. Now we are all trying to figure out what’s wrong with his mysterious Midwestern family and why he would leave a great job at the Globe to figure it out. (My theory involves a second, secret family and a love child.)
In the meantime we’ve been assigned an interim adviser and that person is, drumroll, please, my old friend Charlotte Huang. So now I’ve had sex with my TA and my faculty adviser. Pretty cool.
Not everyone was pleased with this news. And by everyone, I mean Alex. He actually left the room after Kent announced it. I think I was the only one who noticed because I was the only one who had been obsessively monitoring his every adorable move. After people were given their assignments, the meeting ended and I found Alex typing furiously in the hallway. I informed him that he had been assigned a riveting piece about the new key cards for the dorms. He wouldn’t even look at me.
After a minute of silence he finally growled, “I’m not going to work for someone who is openly transphobic.” Yikes! How do you argue with that? Also, do I want to argue with that when he is my biggest competition? If he walks away, that staff spot is mine. This is not a great thing to think, but I thought it. And I also felt embarrassed because I’m not trans so I have no idea what it’s like to feel attacked and unsafe.
“It’s only temporary.” Not the right response. Alex launched into a tirade about allowing bad behavior to continue and not standing up to things because “it’s not that big a
deal.” In my defense, I didn’t realize the extent of Charlotte’s transphobia. Alex showed me an article she wrote about female safe spaces, and it was … questionable. She didn’t directly use the term “women-born-women,” but it was certainly implied.
After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I told Alex to talk to Kent. Maybe they could get someone else. It’s only an interim position, it’s not like it was formally announced outside of our meeting. But he wouldn’t. He doesn’t want to look like a crybaby tattletale. He would rather make a statement and leave. Maybe write an exposé about it for em Magazine (our biggest/only competition).
I thought this was a dumb strategy. So I flagged down Kent and showed him Charlotte’s article. Kent replied, “Aren’t you dating Charlotte?” WHOA KENT!! How does he know?? Also, who says “dating”???
I quickly replied no, but not before Alex turned a shade of purple I have never seen in nature before. Was it anger? Embarrassment? Jealously? A familiar desire to throttle Kent?
Kent promised he would look into it and talk to the managing editors and editor in chief (I always forget that he’s not actually in charge because he has such a commanding presence in his itty-bitty T-shirts.) I thanked him. Alex grunted.
Kent then went off to do whatever Kent does (which I’m starting to think is NSA-level spying). I asked Alex if he wanted to keep talking somewhere else. He said no.
I wish I could elaborate, but he literally just said “no” and left. WTF? I didn’t write transphobic articles, Alex! Why are you mad at me?? Men be cray cray.
Re: AND THE PLOT THICKENS
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Here is another cray-cray thought. Maybe extensively Google everyone’s online profile before having sex with them? Did you really not know Charlotte was problematic? Please tell me that you’re finally done with her.