by Gaby Dunn
10:05 AM EST
For someone who asks not to be judged, you certainly fling around a lot of judgment.
Jake isn’t openly transphobic.
How do you know? It’s not like ur super enlightened to that stuff.
???
You asked me about Alex’s genitals.
Privately!!!
Still.
OH, SO I CAN’T ASK ANY QUESTIONS?
That seems like a GREAT way to stay informed.
It’s not a thing you’re allowed to ask.
WELL, NOW I KNOW.
And I’m embarrassed.
I’m done with Charlotte.
Sure.
3:25 PM PST
Did you talk to my mom?
Y?
So you talked to her?
Yeah. She checks in. I’m the daughter she never had.
Did you tell her I’ve been hurting myself?
No …
GEN! It was a couple of scratches. Now she wants me to move home!
What?! I told her it wasn’t a big deal.
Then why did you bring it up???
Just to monitor it. I’m so far away I feel helpless.
I just don’t want a repeat of junior year.
Well, there is a higher chance of that now that my parents are going to ruin my life.
Can you talk to them? I’m sure they’re just overreacting and will calm down.
Yeah, my parents are so calm and rational when it comes to my mental health.
I’m sorry. Do you want me to call her back?
No. You’ve done enough.
5:21 PM PST
They said I could stay.
Really?? That’s great!
Yeah. But if I do it again, I’m out of the dorm.
Are you going to do it again?
You guys don’t get it. It’s just a coping mechanism. If I wanted to actually kill myself, I would just kill myself.
What a great case for self-harm! Does it need a spokesperson?
I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
OK. Sorry for caring!
TO BE, OR NOT TO BE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Dana Scully for Halloween? Or maybe Sia? I could just wear a blanket over my face? There are so many choices and so many articles:
25 FEMINIST COSTUMES FOR THIS HALLOWEEN
14 BADASS LADIES TO BE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
32 REASONS NOT TO SLUT SHAME ON HALLOWEEN
Part of me wants to go as my little sister and then when people ask me what I am I can say “a mistake.” JUST KIDDING. They love her more than me.
What are you going to be, my little angel princess?
SKULLS AND PUMPKINS,
G
Re: TO BE, OR NOT TO BE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
This year for Halloween, I think I will be: mortified. It’s sort of an abstract idea, but I can pull it off.
The Gamma Phi/ZBT Date Dash was last night. I can safely say it will be my last Gamma Phi event unless I am reincarnated as a cooler person.
Everything started out fine because Jake was there. I didn’t have to worry about where to sit on the bus because I sat next to him. I didn’t have to worry about where to go because I went with him. I felt very safe and cared for.
But then Jake got drunk. And drunk Jake isn’t great at staying put. I quickly lost track of him and found myself standing by myself even though it was an event for my sorority. Everyone around me was wasted, but I only managed to take one shot before feeling like I was going to vomit. I finally found Jake making an ass of himself on the dance floor.
I tried to get him to sit down with me, but he wouldn’t. He said I could dance or I could leave. So I left. The event. Which you are not supposed to do. But I couldn’t take it anymore, so I Ubered home. (This is completely against the rules, just to give you some insight into my mental state.)
I stayed awake until 1 AM waiting for Jake to call me in a panic, but he never did. I’m sending in my resignation now. At least Emma is happy for me. Or I hope she’ll be happy for me when I tell her.
11:54 AM EST
Please tell me you are going to dump him.
If he ever bothers to reach out. Maybe he forgot he has a girlfriend.
He certainty acted like it.
I can’t wait for you to meet someone who loves you like I do.
As a platonic friend?
Funny.
I’m sorry he is a douche.
Did you officially quit?
Yeah, but no one wrote back.
Maybe they all forgot I was in the sorority.
Who is this again?
JOKES. I could never forget you.
Eh. I give it another year.
Jazmin sounds pretty cool.
Yeah. Too cool. I prefer to be the cool one in the relationship.
In that case: BFF 4 LYFE.
SPORTY SHANNON
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
In an effort to continue my study of Shannon, I accepted her invitation to watch a Quidditch match. Unfortunately for me there was little magic to be found. There was, however, a shitload of unabashed geekiness.
What follows geekiness around? Why, Kent, my editor, of course! Turns out, that guy moonlights as the official announcer for all Boston-area Quidditch games! He’s actually pretty funny, and I saw not 1 but 3 living females swoon over him. No wonder that guy has so much awkward swagger!
Shannon is just a sub on the Boylston Berserkers, but that didn’t stop her from shouting THE ENTIRE TIME. That girl has a mouth on her! She trashed-talked the Old North Outlaws from start to finish, and if anyone other than me had been listening, I’m sure some sort of broomstick brawl would have broken out. Both Jazmin and I were riveted.
I wish I could tell you who won, but I was too caught up in Kent’s radioworthy commentary as well as Shannon’s repressed rage.
You may be asking yourself: Why would anyone bother to play a made-up game? Couldn’t tell you! Probably involves a limited high school social life and Emerson’s lack of actual sports. The entire day felt decidedly British, which was a nice cheap way to feel cultured.
I would give Quidditch 4 out of 5 stars. (1 star deducted because the brooms don’t actually fly.)
Next up: observing Shannon’s beauty routine without her consent.
How you doing, boo?
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
It’s official. I now have an ex-boyfriend. After not hearing from Jake all day, he finally texted me this: “Just woke up. Had a lot (of booze) to sleep off.”
WHAT??? Did he really not notice that I had LEFT? How is that possible?? So I wrote back: “We need to talk.” He wrote back: “Y?” Off to a great start!
Within an hour I was in his room crying and pleading with him not to break up with me even though I had gone there to break up with him! I don’t really know how this happened. I guess I expected some resistance or pleading, but instead he replied, “I’ve been thinking the same thing.” FUCK YOU! Since when???
This response freaked me out so much I was desperate to fix it. I can barely emotionally handle dumping someone. I definitely can’t handle being dumped. It didn’t matter, though. He was completely checked out.
After it became clear he wasn’t going to change his mind, I stormed out shouting, “Let me know if you want Sophia’s number!” He murmured, “I already have it.”
REMIND ME TO NEVER DATE AGAIN! FEELINGS ARE
TERRIBLE! PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE.
Maybe I will move home.
12:17 PM EST
Don’t move home.
Why not? My parents are the only people on this coast who like me.
What about Sophia? What about Emma?
What about them? I never see them.
What about Curtis?
He has a girlfriend!
As a friend!
I’ve yelled at him too much for him to be my friend.
I’m still your friend! And you yell at me all the time!
I do???
Of course no one likes me.
Call Emma. Make her hang out.
That’s embarrassing.
Yes. Asking someone to hang out = very embarrassing.
You just ask random people to hang out??
All the time. I haven’t spent a moment alone in years.
Maybe I will transfer to Emerson.
We would love to have you!
REMEMBER WHEN ZAYN LEFT ONE DIRECTION??
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
This is like that, but much fewer people care. Alex has officially quit the Beacon after Kent failed to replace Charlotte. Kent did promise that Charlotte would be gone by next semester, but that wasn’t good enough. So Alex went rogue and posted an exposé about institutionalized transphobia perpetuated by the falsely liberal queer community. He posted it on his Tumblr, and then DigBoston picked it up for their blog. (Dig is one of the best alt weeklies. One of the first places to syndicate Dan Savage’s column.)
Kent, my editor, went postal. Which for Kent means slightly mad and disappointed. He sent out an email to all the writers apologizing for the “situation” and urging everyone to speak to the managing team before going on record about Alex’s resignation.
He then asked me to meet him for coffee. I thought I might be guilty by association since Kent is apparently keeping vigilant track of all of my sexual encounters, but he just wanted my opinion. Apparently Kent is the most upset because he feels he has let one of his writers down. He wanted my thoughts on the situation and any advice I have for handling the future repercussions. Should he fight to get Charlotte off the paper or let it go? Should he apologize to Alex IRL or let him be?
It sort of felt like a parent asking me for help. Which shouldn’t be THAT surprising since my actual parents are completely useless, but I always thought Kent was competent and assured. Turns out he’s a scared little fuck-up like the rest of us!
I told him to apologize to Alex over email and continue the crusade to get rid of Charlotte. I have no idea if this is the right advice, but it felt like the most PC, social justice option. He nodded 15 times in a row—I counted—and then asked if I thought my hot chocolate was too watered down. (Apparently he got it once and it tasted like nothing.) I know that I’m bi/gay/unlabeled now, but I think if I was a simple straight girl with no sex drive I would marry Kent. And buy him new shirts.
I’m on my way to Alex’s now. He hasn’t answered my calls so I’m gonna go leave a note at his apartment. It feels romantic and old school. I hope one day we can enter a long-term, polyamorous relationship together.
“I’ve got 99 problems but a basic bitch ain’t one.”—G
5:32 PM PST
Why are you going to his house if he’s not returning your calls?
Romance.
What does the note say???
Congratulations on your story. Here is a nude Polaroid.
You included a nude Polaroid???
Why else would you leave a note IRL?
Is your face in it???
No. Just the back of my head. Boys love that.
Is that a joke?? Because I clearly have no idea what boys like.
Awwww, babe.
They like faces.
Noted.
GIRL, INTERRUPTED
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
It’s official! Everyone in my life wants me to be catatonic! I’m already on meds, but Dr. Baker thinks we should try something new. She wants me to change psychiatrists and try one of the few SSRIs I haven’t already been on. I wonder what joys this change will bring me! Facial sweating? Extra weight? Unbearable sleepiness? Maybe the side effect will be something new and different! Like night terrors! The possibilities are endless when the medical community is committed to “fixing” you!
Can I tell you the scariest part? I want to be catatonic. If we can figure out some prescription cocktail that takes away my anxiety and obsessive thoughts, sign me up! Even if I have to be asleep the whole time. I am completely exhausted by the prospect of being me for the rest of my life.
Dr. Baker was strangely more concerned by my dropping out of the sorority than the scratching. She’s worried that I am isolating myself on purpose so I can reject other people before they have the chance to reject me. Interesting theory, Sheri! What am I supposed to do now? Desperately hold on to people who can’t stand me? I tried that all through middle school, and Leslie Jenkins officially moved.
She thinks I should make more of an effort to befriend people. Apparently I have a “standoffish vibe.” It personally worried me to hear a professional use the term “vibe,” but I guess there are larger issues at hand. I’m not standoffish. I’ve just been told to “cool it” my entire life. I’m sorry if I’ve somehow become too cool. (Cool in the rude sense, not in the cool sense.)
Guess that social skills class really didn’t pay off!
I’m meeting with her favorite psychiatrist next week and have instructions to reach out to one person every day. I asked if you counted. She said no.
Wish me luck. I hope to be unresponsive by Christmas.
Re: GIRL, INTERRUPTED
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
This Baker lady gets it! I told you to reach out to people! Everyone wants more friends! If just for the extra likes.
I’m sorry about the meds. But maybe you won’t be on MORE meds but just DIFFERENT meds? It can’t hurt to try if what’s happening now isn’t working. May I just suggest marijuana one final time? I’ve heard Xanax fucks with your liver.
In Boston news, Alex responded to my nude with an LOL. Not sure how to take that! But you know I love a good mystery.
Charlotte wants to talk about the whole thing. I’m trying to put that off … which is hard because of class and the Beacon. Good thing I learned how to sneak out of my house at 11!
12:27 PM PST
Going to lunch with some kids from screenwriting.
Even though I don’t like sushi.
Atta girl!
Sophia’s not here. I have no buffer.
Buffers dull the senses. Dive in, baby!
Ugh. I hate sushi.
Just get rice.
And put some fish on it.
GROUNDBREAKING DISCOVERY RATTLES BOYLSTON STREET
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
While diligently studying for Earth Science: Natural Disasters, I had an epiphany. While it wasn’t specifically linked to the Bhola cyclone of 1970, I like to think it was inspired by the tumultuous winds of change.
As you may remember, I have chosen to remain unlabeled regarding my sexuality (and voting party, but that’s more due to an independent spirit). My high school experience was primarily focused on heterosexual encounters with an odd gay make out sprinkled in. Since arriving at college, my energy has been more female driven, with an odd cis or trans man making an appearance. What does all of this mean on the roller coaster of sexuality? Who am I? Who was I? Who do I want to be?
QUEER!
Once a slur, many in our community have reclaimed the
term as a catchall for nonheterosexuality. It is as inclusive as it is vague. It allows me to engage in relationships with any possible person without having to redefine myself.
The queer community is vast and beautiful. It is a world that already feels safe yet is begging to be explored. I see no point in excluding anyone from the rich experience that is Gen.
After years of silently grappling with my identity, I feel a sense of overwhelming calm.
I’m home, babyyyyyyyyy!
G
7:32 AM PST
Who did you hook up with in high school????
Please only list girls. I don’t have all day.
You don’t know them.
STOP LYING TO ME.
I can’t out people.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR GASLIGHTING.
hahahaha
If you can guess correctly, I will tell you.
Liza Perez.
No.
Casey Winter.
You only get the one guess!
You’re a terrible person and a worse friend!
Congrats on being queer, you bitch.
PLEASE SUBSCRIBE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Curtis is a bad influence. After the final note session, he convinced me to make a YouTube channel so I could release the video. I had confided in him that I didn’t think the short was good enough to submit to festivals. Instead of getting upset or offended, he shrugged and told me to upload it. There is no point in making something if no one is going to see it. I replied, “Even if it’s really bad?” He agreed that some stuff should stay on the editing room floor, but our short isn’t one of them.
So I made a channel. It’s called Ava Help-her Films. The cover photo is a honey badger. I’m going to look into some channel art if anyone watches this stupid thing.
I feel very scared but also like whatever. How much worse could all of this get? Maybe a lot worse! Who knows!