I Hate Everyone But You
Page 17
Anyway, it’s up there. Mostly so you’ll stop asking me to watch it. After this you will probably not want to watch anything of mine ever again!
P.S. Is Help-her funny or dumb??
P.P.S. I guess it’s too late now.
Re: PLEASE SUBSCRIBE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
HOLY SHIT! I loved it!! I mean I hated looking at Jake’s stupid face, but other than that I thought it was adorable and charming! (As is the honey badger cover photo. I would maybe keep it???) I’m so proud of you, my little depressive!
I hope you don’t mind, but I shared it a few places. (All the places.) My goal is for it to go viral so you can support my Cherry Cola habit on AdSense.
So great! Do another one but with just ladies! Men don’t need any more screen time!
1:14 PM EST
I’m being confronted.
By the cruel reality of mortality?
Basically. Charlotte is forcing me to have lunch with her.
No! Run!
It’s too late! She already paid.
I always knew your cheapness would be your downfall.
cash.me/genevievegoldman
MYSTIQUE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
She might not be a blue shape-shifter, but oh man, is Charlotte hard to pin down. Over the course of one lunch I hated her. Respected her. Feared her. And wanted to sleep with her. Sometimes those feelings overlapped. She offered no apologies for Alex’s departure and instead urged me to remain objective in my journalism. She feels as though her career has been stalled due to op-eds and personal essays she’s written in the past. The best journalist remains neutral and nonaffiliated, and she thinks I have the potential to be one of the best. (Turns out my aversion to the 2-party system is favorable for my career.)
She didn’t mention Alex directly once. I wanted to bring it up but didn’t know how. It also felt wrong to discuss him with Charlotte. I knew he wouldn’t want me to.
Not sure how to feel about the whole thing, but maybe there is nothing to feel. The staff spot is basically mine now, and Charlotte will be gone by then. I think I should just focus on courting Alex, writing, and not failing Earth Science: Natural Disasters.
Did you know that the 1972 Iran Blizzard was the deadliest of all time? The ’70s were not a good time for planet Earth.
Re: MYSTIQUE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I don’t really see a world in which you remain objective. You have too many opinions to never write an op-ed. Everything you’ve written for the Beacon has a clear agenda, and it’s still your first semester. This woman is clearly manipulating you. I will personally pay for your lunch so this never happens again.
In lighter news, my short has over 2,000 views???? How did you do this?
There are a LOT of negative comments, but I’m trying not to read them.
Curtis is stoked.
2:47 PM EST
Want to know a little secret?
I put it on Reddit.
Oh! Smart!
How many other secrets are you keeping from me?
I’ll tell you IRL.
Are you coming home???
Nope!
5:32 PM PST
Can I just wear regular clothes to a Halloween party and then when people ask me what I am, I reply “Basic”?
HA!
No.
What if I buy fake Uggs?
Get a real costume.
Costumes give me anxiety.
Dress up as anxiety!
How???
Giant pill bottle???
I’m just gonna wear cat ears.
9:17 PM EST
I have too many costumes. I’m gonna have to do a change.
What are you going as??
Pretty much all the female superheroes.
In both universes?
Don’t pretend like you know.
Have fun as Iron Woman!
THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS.
DOUBLE, DOUBLE, BOYS AND TROUBLE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Well, that was a night for the history books. If the books run out of actually important things to write about.
Here are the ledes. I made out with someone last night. BUT I could have made out with two people. Now back to our story:
First of all, I feel like I deserve some recognition for attending a Halloween party. It encompasses two of my greatest fears: 1) costumes and 2) parties.
I finally found a costume after pleading with Sophia to help me. We decided to go as Republicans. I went as “financially conservative” (tennis skirt, fake pearls). Sophia went as “socially conservative” (camo shorts, fake gun). The bit worked great when we were together, but alone I just looked like a tennis player.
We went to this senior screenwriter’s party. He invited everyone in the program. I thought it would just be the leftover writers who didn’t have anywhere else to go, but it turned out to be a hot spot for all film students. I even saw a few Starkies, who are never spotted in the wild (MFA producers).
My social anxiety spiked when we arrived. Despite the blasting music (mash-ups of horror movie sound tracks), I still expected a smaller group. But once we got inside, it was so packed I could barely move. Luckily for me, Sophia is an aggressive partygoer who elbowed her way to the drink table in under a minute. Despite the obvious hygiene and safety problems of drinking a bloody punch, I took part in this obscene debauchery.
We ran into a few other kids from our class, who are much more fun when they are wasted. One guy, Marc, brought his engineering roommate, Shane, who was cute but short. Shane kept talking to me though and reacted as though he had never heard a woman make a joke before. Not in a condescending way. He was completely delighted. As though I was a juggling monkey. I had some more punch.
By midnight, I was sitting on a disgusting couch with Shane, who was dressed as Zach Galifianakis from The Hangover despite it being 2017 and no longer relevant. I was a bit drunk but still able to register Shane’s very nervous hand on my leg. I was contemplating leaning in for a smooch because life is meaningless when I heard my name.
You guessed it! chinatownjake! Dressed as Donald Trump. He immediately pegged me as a “financially conservative Republican,” but I quickly figured out he had already talked to Sophia. Shane stood up to shake his hand, which was nice but also pointed out their height difference. I tried to blow him off, but he asked if we could “talk.”
How do you say no to talking without seeming like a huge bitch? Seriously. Please let me know for future situations. Shane rejoined his roommate, and I went outside with the guy who took my virginity and tried to kiss another girl in my childhood home.
Jake said he wanted to talk about the short. He’s been getting a lot of good feedback and thinks we should do another. But this time maybe write it together. Why do we need to write it together?? Because he misses me. And boys talk in a very specific way. I tried to leave at this point, but he pulled me back. I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead he asked if we could be friends. He wants me as his friend even if the physical part of the relationship didn’t work out. WHAT? I was too drunk to unpack this, so instead I slurred, “We were never friends,” and went to find Shane.
What you’re thinking now, dear reader, is that you have been misled. Jake didn’t want to make out with me. So how could I have led with the possibility of making out with two people? Well, on the way back inside, this really wasted guy shouted, “Kiss me,” and, I said “No thank you.” I then found Shane and made out with him against a wall thinking about Jake the whole time. Is this adulthood? Wanting what yo
u don’t have?
Shane was a perfect gentleman the rest of the night and walked me home. But I don’t want to see him again. He is too short and too earnest.
On a scale of 1 to definitely, how much do I deserve my unhappiness?
HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT? I saw at least five costumes on Instagram! Black Widow was my favorite. Great wig.
12:43 PM PST
Did you get eaten by a werewolf???
1:32 PM PST
Hello???
3:07 PM PST
Can you come back from the dead next Halloween?
Sry. Sry. With Alex.
Really??? What’s happening??
Cant talk. He thinks it’s rude.
FRIENDSHIP GUIDELINES
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Dear Best Friend,
As you know from past friendship seminars, there are a few simple rules that help maintain a healthy relationship. One of those tips is a timely response. In this day and age, technology is constantly at our fingertips, and short of a Earth Science: Natural Disaster there is no believable moment when you are not on/near your phone. This guideline is especially pertinent when friends are separated by thousands of miles and a country.
Second, it is imperative to provide constant updates, especially following holidays and milestones. Third, it is also imperative to provide follow-up questions when your friend has important updates regarding holidays and milestones. (This is so obvious it should honestly remain unsaid.)
At this time, a full review of all suggestions and guidelines is not deemed needed, but consider yourself on probation. We here at Friendship Industries look forward to seeing improvement and hope to have a long working relationship.
All the best,
CEO, Friendship Industries
Re: FRIENDSHIP GUIDELINES
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Chill out! It was 1 day.
I’m proud of you for making out with that little guy! Are you really not going see him again??? I’m not always attracted to people right away. Sometimes they have to grow on you? (No pun intended.)
Why are there no photos of your dope costume on social media? You have to get better at posting now that you’re a YouTube celebrity.
BTW, have you seen this channel? You’re such an Allison: JUST BETWEEN US.
Re: FRIENDSHIP GUIDELINES
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
What the hell, Genevieve? That’s it?? Did you not read any of the guidelines? What happened with you and Alex? I now require a full and detailed debriefing.
Also, I’m NOT an Allison. That girl is so uptight and her voice is annoying.
6:45 PM PST
Still waiting on that email.
I’m studying!!!
Oh, yeah? What have you learned?
Earth is a disaster!
HOMEWORK
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
You have officially become homework. I know relationships are supposed to be work, but you’re not even putting out.
Halloween was great. Jazmin wanted to go to the Beacon party so I made an appearance, but everyone there was getting angry drunk. I texted Alex thinking he wouldn’t respond until the next day, but he told me he was at a musical theater party. I asked if he wanted me to come. He didn’t reply. I took that as a yes.
About an hour later Jazmin and I rolled up to an apartment in Mission Hill. It was flooded with what I can only assume were the best costumes in all of Boston. Seriously, it looked like the Met Gala. Jazmin and I felt intimidated, but then we remembered that we are the best. Just in general.
Drunk Jazmin is a great +1 because she will talk to anyone. She was already engaged with someone who was sing-talking before I reached the front door. I knew I would have to be methodical in my search, so I roamed the hallways first. Alex seems like a guy who doesn’t like wide-open spaces. By the second (and last) hallway, I had found him in deep conversation with someone I didn’t even bother to register.
I thought he would be “too cool for school,” but he broke out into a grin. This was the first indicator that he was heavily intoxicated. Much like Jazmin, Alex appears to be his best self when drunk. Or at least a version of himself that really likes me. Within minutes we were the ones holed up talking in the hallway. I was gently making fun of his costume (Christian Bale in Newsies), when he announced that he shouldn’t be talking to me because I’m not a trans ally. (I know this sounds aggressive, but it was in a very flirty/forbidden fruit sort of way.) I boomeranged between defensive and apologetic for a bit until he made his second grand announcement. We will never be able to sleep together because I have lain with the enemy. I quickly replied, “I knew you wanted to sleep with me!” This made him blush, which was very rewarding.
I asked if there was anything I could do to rectify this unfortunate situation. He said no. I asked again, a few more times, closer and closer to his face. (VERY SEXY! I AM GREAT AT SEX!) He finally said he had come up with a solution. I need to quit the Beacon. I laughed, said “Oh, OK!” and then kissed him. The rest of the night was XXX and I would need you to hit “Over 18 to approve this content” before I send you any more details.
We then spent the entire next day together working and writing and kissing.
I’m in love. But I’m also in love with like 15 girls on Instagram I’ve never met so don’t take it too seriously.
2:13 PM PST
You’re going to quit the Beacon???
No. Maybe. I don’t know.
I didn’t say that I would.
You certainly implied it!
Does Alex know you didn’t mean it?
It wasn’t a serious conversation.
Anything said in an effort to get laid will not hold up in a court of law.
I think he thinks you are going to quit.
No way.
5:17 PM EST
Alex thinks I’m going to quit the Beacon.
Told you!!
What do I do?? I don’t think he will be with me if I stay.
Oh, man. This is too sad for me to soak in the glory of me being right.
You’re still soaking in it.
Just one quick .
What are you gonna do?
I don’t know.
Maybe I should quit. It’s not good to be associated with a bad organization.
You really think it’s a “bad” organization now?
You basically went to Emerson FOR the Beacon.
I have to think about it more.
I don’t think you should quit over such a minor thing that has nothing to do with you.
How does it not have to do with me?
Never mind. I’m not stepping into this LGBT minefield.
SAME MONEY, MORE PROBLEMS
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Shortie got my number. Film kids have no discretion. He texted me to tell me he “had a great time” and “would love to see me again.” BARF! There wasn’t even an attempt at some sort of joke. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than sincerity.
I don’t know what to write back. I don’t even want to write back. Why am I having such an aversion to a person being nice to me? Am I that terrible cliché of a girl who hates herself and only likes boys who are mean to her? I can’t stop thinking about Jake and he TRIED TO KISS SOMEONE ELSE IN MY HOME. With my mother watching! (Basically.)
I always knew I was a mess, but I thought I had my own brand. Apparently, it’s even worse than I suspected.
Maybe I should just marry this kid and get over my insecurity with exposure therapy. He see
ms like the kind of guy who will say, “You look beautiful,” even if I’m covered in sweat and yelling about my low blood sugar.
Second option: celibacy. This is the opposite of exposure therapy regarding my deep fear of STDs, but I feel like I have already done enough self-growth for one person.
Anyway, do I have to write back????????
4:13 PM EST
OMG Ava. Just write back like a normal person.
And say what?? I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.
Maybe you have the wrong impression.
Give him a chance.
I’m not attracted to him.
But how do you know that already?
You’re going to tell me that I don’t know my own sexuality????
REALLY GENEVIEVE!
You have no right to tell me who I should and shouldn’t be attracted to.
hahaha
Whatever.
Write back, “Later, loser.”
Not helpful.
NATURE VS NURTURE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I hate to say this, but I might have preferred it when my dad was drinking. He left me alone and didn’t send me links to books like Radical Forgiveness. My parents tried to FaceTime me with Hope earlier and then lost their shit when I wasn’t available. They’ve called like a grand total of 5 times this entire semester, but I’m supposed to know when they want to talk.
I called back after Hope went to bed and got an earful about family responsibility and being a good older sister. It was my decision to “abandon” the family for a liberal arts education. The least I can do is answer their calls. What????? Do they actually believe the things that come out of their mouths? I stayed at your house for an entire week junior year and they didn’t even notice!