I Hate Everyone But You
Page 19
1:47 AM EST
How do you know they’re sleeping 2gether?
BECAUSE OF THE TEXTING.
Do you sleep with everyone you text with?
No. But you do!
Fair enough.
I’m sry.
You will make new friends.
How???
I don’t know! By living your life and being wonderful!
What happened to Curtis? Isn’t Curtis ur friend?
We mostly have a professional relationship.
Do a pivot!
I’m not socially adept enough to pull that off.
I’ll give you lessons when you get here.
Why are you so obsessed with Curtis?
Seems like a cool dude.
MIGHT FLUNK OUT OF COLLEGE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
JK JK. But seriously. I do not know how people study for tests. Assign me a 20-page paper, no problem. But how does anyone survive a major based on memorization? This is why reporters have recorders. So we don’t need to remember ANYTHING.
I went over to Jazmin’s with the full intention of studying but instead got sucked into a wine-based drinking game. You might be thinking, who uses wine in a drinking game? Well, the answer is super-fucking-classy people. It was very cerebral. Every time I got a question wrong I had to take a sip, which was not the most productive choice since after a few sips I got every question wrong. Jazmin’s BF was in town and he started playing too. I like the guy. For a cis guy. Just kidding. I liked Tom. (Did you forget about Tom? I did.)
Things started really getting out of hand around 1930 when I should I have been focusing on the great 1936 North American heat wave but instead was puking my guts out. It’s sort of fun to puke red wine because it looks like you’re dying from tuberculosis in an old movie.
I ended up staying until 3 AM. I kept texting Alex to join, but he was busy working. I hope he doesn’t care that I’m still hanging out with Jazmin. She’s thought about quitting but doesn’t want to disappoint her parents. (They laminate every article.) I’m still trying to get her to quit. Mwuahaha.
If I pay you money, will you participate in a That ’70s Show–based trivia drinking game when you’re here? You’ll get every answer right so it’s not a real risk to you anyway.
The only thing I hate about college is class.
2:23 PM PST
Did you fail your test?
It was a quiz.
And …
Don’t know yet!
Will not report back!
STICKS AND STONES
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Whoever came up with that asinine saying clearly existed before the Internet. My video resurfaced on a different subreddit about student films. People on that forum did NOT like my little attempt at a movie and took to my YouTube channel to tell me. Some of the comments didn’t make any sense. Especially the ones that called me a “feminist cunt.” Apparently my portrayal of the male lead was not up to MRA standards and quite a few people threatened my life???? Why would anyone threaten my life over a dumb short where literally nothing happens? If anything, I would be mad that it’s boring. Not that I’m trying to subvert the patriarchy.
I can’t imagine how people deal with this sort of thing when they’re actually IN the video. A few assholes found my Instagram and called me an ugly kike but I blocked them. (Or I think I did. The interface is confusing.)
I hate that I care. No one who writes awful comments to strangers is a nice, normal person, but the mere fact that so many people out there hate me is upsetting. I guess that’s inevitable when you create things, but it doesn’t make the reality of it any easier. I would take the video down, but it has so many views! Maybe I should just ride this bad PR and make another one ASAP? JK. I am not a strong enough person to do that.
Maybe you could troll all of these guys for me? That seems like a good decision.
1:05 AM EST
These guys are assholes.
Maybe I deserve it. The whole concept was a bit overwrought.
Shut up! No it wasn’t!
If you listen to any of this, ur an idiot.
Oh, good. Now I’m a feminist cunt and an idiot.
I want to find all their moms on FB and send screenshots.
Check your receipts!
So close.
That’s not how you use it???
U r not meant for this world.
WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I feel like there could be two headlines for this article:
CUB REPORTER WOOS BOO WITH ROMANTIC EVENING
YOUNG COUPLE RUINS FUTURE WITH DTR ATTEMPT
Why do people feel the need to “talk” and “communicate?” Can’t we all just go about living our best lives and eating whatever we want?
I spent the last few days planning the perfect date for Alex. He’s been really busy so I wanted to maximize our time. I got us tickets to a Celtics game and snuck Bova’s pastries into the stadium using a large tote bag. (This is a horrible example of using my privilege to fool security.)
We had the best time at the game. I pretended I cared. He bought us peanuts and displayed traditional masculinity. I wore a crop-top jersey. Young love at its Boston-est. We even made out on the train ride home.
Once we got back to his place, Jazmin texted me. There was a party in Brookline. Alex didn’t want to go. I tried to convince him. He said I could go without him. I said I’d always rather be with him.
A long beat followed where I panicked that I had said too much. I fully expected a we-should-cool-it talk. Instead he asked me to be his girlfriend. WHAT??? TBH, I wasn’t even sure Alex fully liked me. He almost never reaches out, and I have to initiate all physical activity. When I brought this up, he mumbled something about protecting himself and not wanting to put himself out there if I wasn’t looking for a relationship.
Here is where things got tricky. I am looking for a relationship, but not the exact kind that he wants. When I asked for clarification of “girlfriend,” he rolled his eyes and stated what he thought to be obvious: “love, commitment, monogamy.” It was that last one that tripped me up. I feel totally ready to love and commit to Alex, but I don’t see why we need to add monogamy on top of that. I don’t think that “only sleeping with one person” means you love someone. If anything, I think it can make it harder to stay in love with that someone. Why have resentment and rules? Why not just have honesty and openness?
Alex did not take this very well and immediately closed up. He said he would think about it and I should do the same. Then we went to bed without hooking up even though neither of us was that full or drunk, which are the only acceptable excuses.
He acted like everything was fine in the morning but didn’t kiss me at all. That didn’t stop me from kissing him all over until he said he had to get to work. I left.
Help?
Re: WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I don’t understand. You have spent this entire semester obsessing over Alex. First “hating” him and then “loving” him. But now that he wants to make it real and be with you, you say no??? How can you know that monogamy isn’t for you? We’re 18! We don’t know anything! Our brains are basically mush that can only remember song lyrics and the occasional scent from childhood.
Do you think you are pushing him away because you actually care and actually caring is scary? I can understand that fear (I would prefer to not care at all about anything ever), but Alex seems like someone who is worth taking the risk for.
I can’t even imag
ine what he is going through right now. To put himself out there like that and have you step on the whole premise of his happiness (two people choosing each other and only each other). Don’t you think there is something magical about that? I don’t have more than one best friend. Don’t you think it’s special that I’m your best friend and you’re my best friend? It says something to other people when we talk about each other. Don’t you want that in your relationship with Alex? Maybe you just need to sit on this for a second. Or try it out. A healthy relationship might surprise you.
Re: WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I shouldn’t have asked for your help on this. I appreciate you trying, but you clearly devalue my feelings and view of the world. So how could you possibly help?
How come I know nothing at 18, but you are some sort of relationship messiah? Maybe if you and Jake hadn’t been monogamous, things would have worked out differently. I know that your parents have the most perfect marriage known to woman, but that lifestyle doesn’t work for everyone. (Honestly, how do we even know your parents are monogamous?? They could be swingers for all we know! You did find a Playboy that one time.)
I asked for your help in terms of how to talk to Alex and make him feel secure even though we don’t want the same things. But I will figure out what to do. Jazmin and her boyfriend are open. I’m sure she’ll have some good advice.
P.S. That was not a burn about Jazmin. She just has personal experience and a different POV.
Re: WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I can’t believe you brought up my dad’s Playboy. We made a pact to never speak of it again.
(This is me deflecting. I’m trying it out to minimize the time we spend arguing.)
FEMINISM
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I know that’s a broad subject, but I wanted to start with a disclaimer that the following incident occurred because I support feminism and firmly believe that women should build each other up yada yada.
I cornered Sophia after class and asked if we could talk. I wanted to let her know that I wasn’t mad anymore. Jake and I aren’t together and I have no rights over him. I don’t want a stupid guy to ruin our friendship.
But she didn’t let me get any of that out. Instead she rolled her eyes, said “Fine,” and walked over to a different part of the hallway. I was thinking a sit-down conversation over tea, but OK. Before I could start my apology, Sophia reamed me out. She said she felt bad that I was depressed “or whatever,” but I don’t have any right to take it out on her. College is too short to begin with, and she doesn’t want to waste it on people who bring her down. She thought I’d be better once I got out of that bitch fest (sorority??), but apparently I’ve only gotten worse. She’s thought about it and doesn’t think we are good enough friends for her to have to put up with this. If we’d been friends for like five years or whatever, maybe she would stick it out and hope I get better, but we’ve only been friends for like half a semester and I’ve been sad for most of it. So she’s gonna have to bow out. If I work my shit out and get “better Prozac or whatever,” she’s open to us hanging out again, but honestly she would rather wait until at least next semester. Not to be rude or anything but, you know, self-preservation. She would want me to do the same if she turned into a huge drag. I get it, right? No hard feelings?
Yes, hard feelings! Are you kidding me?! You can’t stop being friends with someone because she’s depressed! ESPECIALLY if you’re a writer. How would you keep any of your friends? I had no idea what to say. I felt like I was in some horrible after-school special where the message was: Be a bad person?
Are people allowed to say these things??? I was trying to apologize!
I’m in shock. Is my depression really that bad? I thought I was handling it very Woody Allen, annoying, narcissistic, but funny.
I never see Sophia! I mean sometimes, but it’s not like I’m calling her up once a day to debate my purpose in life and test out my suicide note. I think the scariest part of all of this is realizing that I have no concept of other people’s perceptions of me. Does everyone else find me intolerable? Do YOU find me this intolerable?
If you want me to cancel my trip so I don’t “bring you down,” I will.
10:43 PM EST
What is Sophia’s phone #?
Gen. No.
Fine. I’ll wait until you get here to steal it from ur phone.
Just deleted it.
UGH.
I’ll troll her Instagram instead.
It’s private.
WHO IS THIS BITCH?
Hahaha
Do you think I’m really that bad? That she had to friend break up with me?
No way.
Are you having a tough time? Yes.
But that’s when you step up and be a BETTER friend. Not STOP being friends.
I found her on Facebook.
Stop!
What about Molly?
What about her?
Didn’t you stop being friends with her when she went crazy?
No. I brought her back to her room, watched her all night, and then made sure her parents took her home safely.
Oh. Right.
I hate this bitch.
She is going to die miserable and alone.
Or maybe with Jake. Which would be worse.
I’m gonna take a nap.
OK. Sleep it off. It will all seem better in the late afternoon.
CASABLANCA
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I know you refuse to watch this movie because you think it will be sad and slow, but it has one of the best good-bye scenes of all time. My story will not live up to it. Mostly because it wasn’t really a good-bye so much as a “see ya l8r.”
I went over to Alex’s house to talk, and in the theme of being bombarded with decisions instead of having a conversation, he immediately announced that he thinks we would be better as friends. We obviously want different things, and it’s probably a bad idea for two journalists to date anyway. Too much nosiness for one relationship.
I thought about fighting with him, but I knew there wasn’t any point. I have no choice but to be the best, sexiest, most alluring friend this side of the equator. He will crumble in no time. I handled the whole thing maturely too, which I know is a big turn-on for him.
So now I just bide my time and have a little fun. There are plenty of rainbow fish in the sea.
7:47 AM PST
I’m so sorry about Alex. Are you OK?
I’m totes fine. This is temporary.
Really?
Yeah. Love is an ocean.
??
COMES IN WAVES.
Oh god.
Do you think you’ll go back to the Beacon now?
?????
No way. I would have quit regardless of my personal relationship with Alex.
Really?
Yes! THEY ARE TRANSPHOBIC.
OK! Sorry.
Will you still pick me up at 3 PM tomorrow even though I am ill informed?
Pick you up how?
Oh, right. I guess I’ll take a cab.
AH! Can’t wait!!!
The hotel looks nice.
Are we really staying at a hotel??? My bed is big enough for 2 people.
Hilarious.
If we don’t use these Starwood points, someone else will!
FULL DISCLOSURE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
&nb
sp; I’m having a panic attack about tomorrow. I have no idea what to pack and I’m worried I won’t be able to find a cab and then I’ll be the one idiot girl Taken in America. I’m worried I’m going to be cold. I’m worried I won’t fit in. And I’m worried my parents are secretly upset that I’m missing Thanksgiving.
What if the hotel room isn’t nice?? What if it doesn’t have Pay-Per-View?
Mostly I’m worried that Sophia was right, and when you see me you won’t want to be my friend anymore.
I guess I’m equally worried about having to stay out late and drink. Maybe we can take a lot of naps in the mediocre hotel.
What if I sleep through my alarm?? What if you don’t like me anymore?? What if I forget my underwear??
I just checked. I have my underwear.
SEE YOU TOMORROW!
A
12:13 PM EST
Did you sleep through ur alarm?
I’m already on the plane.
What time is it there?!
Oh, right. I slept through mine.
Safe flight!! Can’t wait to not like you anymore!
Do you really want that to be the last thing you say to me before I start hurtling through time and space?
Yep! It was a pretty good joke.
8:04 PM EST
Landed!!
8:22 PM EST
Waiting for my bag!
Gen??
8:35 PM EST
I think they lost my bag! I don’t know what I’m going to do!!
8:37 PM EST
Got my bag!
Where are you????
8:45 PM EST
IN A CAB EN ROUTE TO THE HOTEL.
PLEASE CONFIRM I DID NOT ARRIVE IN BOSTON ONLY TO HAVE TO IDENTIFY YOUR BODY.
8:52 PM EST
Hi! You landed!
What’s the hotel again?
The Westin Copley Place.
Great! Should be there soon!