I Hate Everyone But You
Page 21
I keep thinking I’m going to hear from you on Christmas but then I remember we’re Jewish.
SUP?
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Hi. Hey. Hello.
I’m sorry I haven’t been responding. It’s mostly because I haven’t been reading. I was so pissed when you left I tried to block the whole experience (and you) from my head. Is that classic avoidance? Yes. Did large festive alcohol consumption help? Absolutely.
I know that it seemed like we were fighting about Charlotte, but I don’t actually give a shit about Charlotte. If anything, I got angry that morning because I was embarrassed. It’s hard enough living with my own questionable decisions without some pillar of morality reflecting back at me. (You’re the pillar, if that was not clear. And you’re quite shiny.)
I almost ran after you that day, but then I started thinking about why I was so mad. You’ve judged my “bad behavior” numerous times in the past, and it never made me feel like ripping off the top of the Empire State Building. So something else was obviously going on. And after a few weeks of stuffing my brain with final papers and excessive scarf purchases, the answer floated to the front of my mind, even as I was screaming, “Leave me alone!”
Basically, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve been out and proud for less time than St. Vincent and Cara Delevingne were together. It’s easy to accept the queer community, but I still don’t know if they accept me. So it’s hard when I feel like I have to be your official ambassador for all things gay, when I still don’t know how to get to the town square without using my navigation.
Is this all your fault? No. But you demand a certain clarity to things that I can’t provide right now. Am I in love with Alex? Am I gay or bi? What does it mean when I kiss my friend for fun at a party? I do not have all the answers to these questions and I don’t know if I ever will.
Which is fine. I’m happy to live in the gray. The gray is my home nestled between my dysfunctional family and chaotic social life. But you, Ava, like black and white. And I felt bad that I kept disappointing you.
So I pulled away. And I fought the instinct to tell you about Shannon’s latest beef broth obsession. Or send you a picture of a student sleeping on a bench next to a squirrel, who was also sleeping. (So f-ing adorable. I saved it. Don’t worry.)
Pulling away was petty and mean and I’m sorry. But part of this whole “self-exploration” is realizing that I AM petty and mean. Not all the time, but enough to end up downstairs if downstairs is actually hell.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be your friend. I just want to be able to tell you about something without having to give it meaning. I want to explore parts of myself that are inconsistent or ugly. I don’t want to be black and white, but I do want to be better. To you.
But I need you to be better to me too.
Gen
P.S. Wow. That was the gayest thing I have ever written.
Re: SUP?
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
My dearest Genevieve,
I apologize for not replying IMMEDIATELY as I am prone to do, but I wanted to take my time so as not to further botch the most important relationship of my entire life.
(After seven failed attempts at a response, my father dragged me to get fro-yo so I’m typing this from my phone like a cool/hip young exec who has to work weekends.)
I am so sorry. I completely disregarded how huge this semester has been for you. You came out in such a blasé way, I stupidly thought it didn’t even affect you. Like you woke up and were like, “I’m queer,” and then you got breakfast. Which was dumb because you never eat breakfast.
You are so brave and so strong that sometimes I forget someone like me can hurt you.
But you need to remember that you can hurt me too. I know I joke about being desperate and lonely and it feels like you can do anything to me and I will still be there, but I don’t want that to be true. I don’t want to be the kind of friend you can ignore or push away when you feel like it. You need to be present in this friendship if—
2:12 PM PST
What flavor did you get?
??????
Looks like peanut butter with rainbow sprinkles.
Are we FaceTiming by accident?
Look behind you.
OH MY GOD YOU’RE HERE.
Stop texting and hug me!
PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Dear Best Friend,
It is with an EXTREMELY heavy heart that I say good-bye once again. Unlike the first time, however, I no longer feel the need to lay out the ground rules for what I now know will be a lifetime of friendship. Call me when you can. Text me often. And think of me constantly.
You have grown into a beautiful woman, and I can’t wait to watch the rest of your transformation.
A
Re: PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
R U serious??? WE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM.
U R beautiful 2.
EPILOGUE
11:14 AM PST
On the plane!
Wahoo! Buckle up!
Thank you for driving me.
Duh! Are you gonna take a cab back?
Nah. I think Alex is gonna pick me up in his dad’s car.
TELL ME EVERYTHING.
We’re just friends.
Sure. I saw those texts. He’s in love with you.
Sorry. No more questions.
Do you want me to give Kent a for you?
It was 16 FB messages! It meant nothing!
When are you going to upload the video?
Curtis said he’d be done with the edit by the time we’re back next week.
You’re gonna be a star!
Yeah, right. The Internet is gonna hate me.
Maybe. But I love you.
Love U 2.
Let me know when you land.
Always.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Joint
Thank you to our manager/really good friend, Matt Sadeghian, for, well, everything. We were complete messes before you. Thank you to our agents, Sasha Raskin and Jamie Chu, who took a big chance on an underdeveloped pitch. Thank you to our editor, Sara Goodman, who understood our vision after only one phone call. We are still in shock. Thank you to Mey Rude, Tiq Milan, and Kip Reinsmith, for consulting on the book. And thank you to The Lovin Spoonful, The Lonely Island, and candy for getting us through the writing process. At our core, we are just 2 guyz having a good time.
Gaby Dunn
Thanks to Marc and Caryn, for letting me lampoon you all the time. You’re very good sports, considering. I love you both! Thanks to Cheyanne, Meme, Grandma Lee, and the first real writer I ever knew: Aunt Michele. Thanks for doing Career Day. It had a big impact!
Allison Raskin
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for endlessly supporting me, laughing at my jokes, and keeping me alive. I would not be here without you. Thank you to my sister, Jocelyn, for giving me my nieces, and also for being my sister. And thank you, Sugar—you’re the best emotional support animal a girl could ask for.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Allison Raskin (left) and Gaby Dunn (right) are two best friends who live in Los Angeles. They started the comedy YouTube channel Just Between Us in 2014 and have since then spent far too much time together. Gaby’s journalism has appeared in pretty much every major publication and Allison has written some really funny group texts with her family. They hope to die within one hour of each other so neither has to plan a funeral.
Sign up for email updates on Allison Raskin here.
&nbs
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Begin Reading
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
About the Authors
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the authors’ imaginations or are used fictitiously.
I HATE EVERYONE BUT YOU. Copyright © 2017 by Gaby Dunn and Allison Raskin. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.stmartins.com
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-12932-1 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-250-12934-5 (ebook)
eISBN 978125012934-5
Our e-books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: September 2017