Imperfectly Yours

by D. Duquette

  ​“Yeah, sorry to drop by like this, but I must have an old number of yours. My call wouldn’t go through. Is Mom here?”

  ​“Yeah, she’s upstairs in Josh’s bedroom for right now. We moved Josh in with Luke. It’s only until Drew finishes turning our garage into an in-law suite.” I studied Luna’s scarlet red lipstick as she spoke. I wanted to strip her down, makeup and all, to see what she truly looked like. I bet she was stunning. I remember growing up, she would hog the bathroom for hours, blow-drying and straightening her hair. She’d step outside and New England’s humidity would destroy her work of art within minutes. Maybe that’s why we never bonded; she was always inside pampering herself while I was outside rolling around in the mud. How could two sisters raised by the same parents be polar opposites?

  ​“That sounds awesome. That’s really nice of you to do.”

  ​“Well, it’s Mom. She has nowhere else she can go.”

  ​That was her doing.

  ​“Where are Josh and Luke anyway?”

  ​“With Drew, setting up the washer and dryer. Mom will have everything she needs, like her own little house.”

  ​I nodded my head. “Cool,” was all I could think to say.

  ​“Do you want to see it?”

  ​“Sure,” I replied, following her to their attached garage.

  ​“Josh and Luke, Aunty Caroline is here.”

  ​“Hi, boys,” I said, leaning down and giving them each a hug. They had changed so much. I saw them once a year on Christmas day when we all had to pretend like we were a happy family.

  Josh had to be eight now and maybe Luke was six. They were both so handsome. I wish I could be a bigger part of their lives, but like it or not, Luna never made me feel welcome. She was my mother’s shadow, in a sense, always telling me how I could do better, when in reality, I believed I was doing just fine. They made me feel like I had problems that didn’t really exist.

  ​“Are you here to see Grandma’s new place?” Josh asked.

  ​“No, I came to see how Grandma is doing. I just wanted to say hi to you guys first.”

  ​“Hi, Drew,” I said, listening to him grunt behind the washer machine. I could see his legs and feet sticking out.

  ​“Hi, Caroline.” I always liked Drew, he was very down to earth. He was a contractor and good with his hands. It didn’t hurt he was very easy on the eyes. I’ll never know what he saw in my sister. She must give a good lay.

  ​“Well I’m going to see if I can find Mom,” I said to Luna. “I’ll be back to say bye before I leave,” I said to the boys.

  “Stay for dinner? Can she Mom?” Josh asked. Luna hesitated. This is the part where I didn’t feel welcomed.

  “I’ll grill you some swordfish. Do you still like swordfish?” Drew asked, still behind the washing machine. I chuckled to myself.

  “That sounds amazing,” I replied leaving. I made my way up the stairs to where my mother was staying and knocked on the door.

  “Come in,” I heard her say. I opened the door. By the look on her face, she was surprised to see me.

  “Caroline.”

  “Hi, Mom.” I quickly looked around. Piles of dirt were painted on the wall, with giant monster truck stickers. After giving the room a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree look, it felt like I was inside a monster jam arena. Josh was one lucky kid. As for my mother, I felt sympathy. Her life was downright pathetic. She worked so hard her whole entire life to raise our family. And for what? To sit inside a little boy’s monster truck arena?

  “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

  “I had the day off. My co-worker is on vacation and told me I could borrow her car while she was away, so I figured I would take advantage and come see how you are.”

  “Oh,” she said warmly. I knew this was the part where we should hug. How can it be awkward to hug your own mother? I never understood why she liked Luna and not me.

  “So…what’s new?” I asked her.

  “I’m just going through some boxes of pictures. It’s been such an emotional rollercoaster for me lately.”

  “Yeah? Can I have a look?”

  “Sure,” she replied, pushing a box to the end of Josh’s twin bed. I dug in and took out a stack of pictures, flipping through them. I missed these days so much, when I had no bills, no job and my biggest obstacle was seeing how much air I could get off our bike jump.

  There were pictures of us at some fair riding a pony and pictures of my princess themed birthday party. As much as I longed to have these days back, seeing them right now made me kind of sad. I put them back.

  “You miss Dad?” I blurted out, suddenly afraid of being told to mind my own business.

  She nodded her head and began to cry. I had no clue what to do. It was just a question, I didn’t think it would make her cry. She grabbed a tissue from a box on the nightstand and wiped her eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Mom…”

  “It’s not you, it’s me. I think I made a terrible mistake.”

  “You do?” I asked, trying to hide the shock in my voice.

  “I’ve been trying to erase the way I feel, to make it go away.”

  Me too.

  “Maybe this is just normal…we were together for over thirty years. I haven’t told anyone, but now you ask and I can’t hide it anymore.”

  “Oh, Mom,” I said, moving the box of pictures aside and sitting on the bed.

  “Have you talked to him?” she asked.

  “I have. I took him to lunch recently.”

  “How’s he look? Is he okay?”

  “He loves you Mom, very much. I think he may be feeling the same way, actually. He said he didn’t know what he had until it was gone.”

  “He said that?” she asked, wiping her nose, the pitch of her voice changing.

  “He told me he loves you with all his heart.”

  She cried further. I looked at her, tears streaming down her face and I had to fight my own urge to cry. I sat there wondering what she was thinking.

  “I hope you don’t think I was eavesdropping, but I heard a lot while you and Dad fought. I mean, on the outside looking down on you two, I really don’t understand what couldn’t be fixed between you.”

  “Oh, honey…”

  “No, just listen to me Mom. I’ve never been married so I may be clueless here, but you and Dad completely rocked it when it came to raising a family. You look at a couple with children and you know it’s a team effort. You and Dad were such an incredible team. I can’t remember one time you two ever fought, until I reached high school.”

  “We fought, we just didn’t do it in front of you kids.”

  “You’re not listening to me. What happened to that team? You and Dad started with nothing, right?”

  “Just the clothes on our backs. We didn’t even own a pot or pan.”

  “You built our family from the ground up and somewhere along the path of life you both lost your way. Maybe you stopped communicating, maybe you and Dad drank too much…I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you, but you two spent all those years working together to raise our family and now that we’re all out of the house, you two can FINALLY enjoy each other! I just don’t understand it. You finally made it and here you are living in my nephew’s bedroom and Dad is in some stranger’s basement. I can’t even begin to tell you how incredibly sad that makes me.” I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

  “I cheated on your father, you know,” she said failing to look me in the eyes.

  Oh no, not this.

  “I do know.”

  “How?”

  “Dad told me himself. When I was just a kid, our neighborhood was going to play a game of whiffle ball, so I went to grab the bases from our shed and found Dad crying. He was reading some letter. I remember him making me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t put the pieces together until I got older.”

  She looked down at the floor. Say something!

  “I can’t believe he forgave me,” she
said after a moment.

  “It sounds like the only one who hasn’t forgiven you, is you,” I said, grabbing her hand. “How come you cheated?”

  “It was my boss. He was twenty years older than me. He came onto me, but I didn’t stop him. He looked good for his age. Your father was always working, we never had time for each other. It’s easy to give in to someone paying you a little attention when the one who should be isn’t.”

  “So what happened?”

  “It was just that one time. I told your father shortly after and then I quit right away. I felt so guilty inside and still can’t believe I ever did such a thing.”

  Her entire demeanor changed. It was apparent she was still upset with herself.

  “Mom, it’s in the past. Mistakes are mistakes for a reason, to learn from and to never let them happen again. I think it’s time you talk to Dad.”

  “But I’m the one who wanted the divorce…”

  “Please don’t get upset with me, but the fight about using your retirement money to go on vacation…you’re not even retired yet. All these fights I listened to, I just wanted to scream at you Mom. Why a new car every few years? Why the credit card debt? Why a vacation when you can’t even pay your mortgage? Don’t think Dad isn’t to blame either. You both made awful decisions.”

  She opened her mouth in an attempt to protest.

  “No, please…I am not judging you and I don’t want you to be mad at me.” I said, waving my hands in the air. “What about family though? What about vacationing together? All of us. What about you and Dad retiring?”

  “We’ll never be able to retire. We lost everything.”

  “Except one thing and that’s what matters...each other. Please tell me you see that! It’s you and Dad together, forget the materialistic stuff. Open up your eyes, Mom. All that means nothing! Do you see that now?”

  She crumbled towards me and I caught her, holding her up. I held her in my arms and rubbed her back as I felt her body tremble. I love you, Mom.

  “I messed up so badly.”

  “It’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”

  “They took our house, our vehicles and the only money I did have, well, I drank it away. If only I had realized all this before.”

  “It sounds like that’s what you needed to make you realize…”

  “I don’t know what to do. I just want your father back…we have no more debt, we had to file bankruptcy. Luna and Drew aren’t charging me to live here, so I’m able to save money now. I gave up drinking wine since Luna doesn’t allow alcohol in the house.”

  What kind of rule is that? Whatever…

  “How are you getting to work?”

  “Drew is letting me borrow one of his company’s vehicles.”

  “A fresh slate, a chance to do it all again the right way this time,” I said.

  She nodded her head again.

  “Maybe when the in-law suite is complete, you and Dad can live in it together. You need to talk to him. There’s nothing you’ve said here that can’t be fixed, okay? I know with all my heart I would love nothing more than to see you two together again.”

  Wait, what am I saying…

  “The old you, the mom and dad who took us to Yogi Bear’s campground and Disney On Ice.”

  Holding my mother gave me the greatest feeling. She hurt just like everyone else.

  Luna knocked on the door shortly after and told us Drew had swordfish on the grill. She eyed me suspiciously once she noticed my mother had been crying. I excused myself, saying I was going to set the table.

  After I found the dishes and plates, I set the table and wandered outside to the backyard. The boys were kicking around a giant ball in the grass while Drew grilled.

  “Look at you all grown up,” Drew said smiling. He had the perfect teeth.

  “I know. I never thought I’d make it this far.”

  “I did. Your mom said you graduated top of your class…beauty and brains.”

  I laughed awkwardly. I never was good at receiving a compliment.

  Drew removed the food and shut the grill off. I grabbed one of the dishes from him and we carried everything inside. He whistled to the boys to follow behind.

  “So what is it you do anyway?” Drew asked, as we set the food on the table. My sister started dishing out the rice. Luna scolded her boys for not washing their hands before sitting down.

  “I work for two divorce attorneys as an office scrub, but I hope to work my way up.”

  I saw my sister wince at the word divorce and look to my mother for her reaction. My mother smiled at me.

  “That’s depressing,” Drew said.

  “Very! Sometimes I wonder how they do it. I haven’t worked there long and it’s already affecting me.”

  “How?” Drew asked.

  “Well, it definitely makes it so that I don’t want to ever get married.”

  “No, people just don’t understand the meaning of marriage anymore. It’s something you have to work at every single day. Marriage isn’t something you only pay attention to when you feel like it. To me, it’s incredibly simple…when it’s broken, you fix it. People think that the person you marry is going to be the same person years later and that’s just not realistic.”

  Wow. Luna bounced her head between Drew and our mother, landing them back on Drew with daggers flying out of her eyes.

  “So what if he hits her? She shouldn’t get a divorce?” Luna butted in.

  “Well, if you ask me, you know very well the person you marry and if you don’t, then you have no business marrying them. If he hit you before, he might do it again. You don’t marry someone hoping somewhere down the road you can mold them into someone you want them to be. That’s ridiculous. You accept them…flaws and all. If you can’t, then don’t marry them. It’s that easy,” Drew replied.

  I felt the tension in the room growing by the second and wondered if this conversation was heading towards an argument between Luna and Drew.

  “I agree. I mean, I’m not there to pry into their business. I’m just there to help these people along, but every once in a while I feel the urge to try to save their marriage. Especially when there are kids involved,” I said, trying to steer our conversation in a different direction.

  “I think that would entitle you to be fired,” Luna snickered. She was starting to irritate me. I looked at Drew and he winked at me. I finished my meal and thanked them for dinner.

  “Anything for you,” he replied. Drew made me feel special and I ate that up. I wanted seconds.

  I played with the boys for a little bit and left before the sun set. On my ride back to my apartment, I prayed for my mom and dad. Okay, I didn’t just pray, I downright begged to have those two parents back that I knew existed somewhere in my memories. Maybe they could replace all the horrible ones.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Caroline

  I stared at the address I had scribbled on the back of my box of cereal yesterday. Vermont? What the heck was he doing in Vermont? I punched the address into my GPS on my phone, almost three hours away.

  ​I spent all last night constructing a plan and now I couldn’t wait for the weekend to get here. Each weeknight, I tried picking out the perfect outfit to impress Corey. Maybe I would wear my office clothes and shock the shit out of him. I’d show him that I grew up and moved on. I plucked my eyebrows, shaved my legs and my armpits. I was dressed to perfection. I had rented a car and like the silly girl I was, I asked for the sporty one with a convertible top. It was almost spring now, but too cold to put the top down. It wasn’t functional, but it was pretty to look at.

  ​Driving in heels was ridiculous, so I ditched them to the passenger seat not even twenty minutes into my drive and drove barefoot. I had never done it before. My toes felt liberated. The more I drove, the more I wondered what I would find when I got there. I would cringe if there was another woman.

  ​The road turned to dirt when I had ten minutes left in my ride. There were roads off the main road with
no street signs. The GPS announced I had reached my destination and I rolled to a stop. There was a road to my left, a road to my right and neither had street signs. What the hell was this place?

  There were a few mailboxes. I backed up my car to get a better view at the number on each mailbox and then again at Corey’s address. I saw an SUV coming up from behind me and pulled over. They slowed to a stop next to my car and I was reluctant to roll down my window when I saw theirs was down.

  ​“Are you lost?” the older man asked.

  ​“Maybe. I’m trying to find 214.”

  ​“That driveway right down there to the right. I live at this one. What are they doing over there anyhow? I hear all sorts of banging going on throughout the day.”

  ​“My first time coming here, so I haven’t a clue.”

  ​“Well, welcome! There’s quite a view up at the top of the hill there. I’ve lived here almost nine years and it still takes my breath away. Enjoy,” he said, rolling up his window and driving up his driveway. I gave a thank you wave and headed to Corey’s driveway. My nerves started to kick into overdrive as I parked outside this tiny log cabin with a red tin roof. It was beautiful. I slipped my heels back on and got out to look around, but there was no sign of Corey’s truck.

  ​The front lawn was small, but displayed beautiful and vibrant green grass. I tried to walk around to the side of the house, my heels digging into the ground.

  ​“You look ridiculous,” I heard from behind me. I turned to see Corey standing there in his usual white crew cut t-shirt and denim jeans. Oh, did I miss him. I just wanted to run and jump on him. I didn’t quite know what to say in retort.

  ​“Someone tried breaking into your mom’s house and broke the lock.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I bought a new lock and my dad fixed it.”

  ​My heart was beating out of my chest now and I took a deep breath, trying desperately to appear cool and collected.

  ​“You drove your ass out of the city on your day off to tell me that?”

  ​Ugh, his words were maddening. How did he know I had moved to Boston?