Regretfully

by Leighton Riley

  I smiled kindly at him. “Thank you for that, it’s a great way to look at it. I just wished we had more memories together. My, my sister was taken far too early.”

  “Ah, those we lose too soon are the best of angels, though. What they didn’t finish here on earth, they look down upon after. My Sally was taken from me eleven years ago. Damn cancer. We’d been together for forty years. The house is too quiet without her, and her cat hates me. I’m indebted forever for the time we were able to have together. I’m sorry about your sister, sweetheart. May I place a rose on her grave? I always bring a dozen for Sally and a dozen extra for those who I feel might need it. Some of them don’t get many visitors and need a little love thrown their way. Others just need to know the impact they made on the world.”

  He got up from his lowered position, arching his lower back to help his aching muscles, and started to walk closer to me. I had never thought about bringing flowers for other graves, but I loved the gesture and love behind the idea.

  “I would love that. We used to have a rose bush at our childhood home, and we’d always catch her trying to pick them, but she was always getting pricked by the thorns. It took her a while to learn not to touch.” I laughed quietly at the memory. It was her mission to pick the roses and not get hurt in the process. I found her using oven mitts once, but she just ended up smushing the rose in the process.

  After setting a light pink rose down on my sister’s grave, I noticed the roses in his hand were mostly pale pink with a few peach-colored ones in the mix. I knew different colored roses could mean different things, but I wasn’t sure the meaning of his choices.

  He must have seen the puzzlement in my expression because his explanation wasn’t far behind.

  “Walk with me? I’ll explain as we go.” He held out a hand and I laid my hand in his, feeling comforted by this stranger. His hands were rough and calloused but had this gentleness to them that was welcoming.

  “Woodrow, by the way. What’s your name, sweetie?”

  “Aria. It’s nice to meet you, Woodrow. Do you visit here a lot?”

  “More than most, I suppose. Not much else to do when you’re old and alone. I volunteer at the food pantry but other than that, I have a lot of free time. I don’t live too far from here so it’s nice to walk here. I get my exercise and visit Sally while I’m at it.”

  “That’s sweet that you’re able to come down here to see her. I can tell that you really love her.” We had stopped at one grave a few rows over.

  “This was a buddy of mine back in college. We were a little reckless, if you know what I mean.” He nudged me in the side with his elbow, while I tried not to overanalyze just how reckless he meant. “Anyway, he passed away a while back, but all his family moved to Colorado last spring. He’s one of the few that I remember to stop by for a quick hello each time I visit. Most of the others are random. The light pink roses symbolize admiration and sympathy. Peach roses are to show appreciation and gratitude. I save those for the servicemen and soldiers usually. It’s my little way of paying respect.”

  We casually walked around for a while, randomly placing a rose on a gravestone of those who needed a little love. There was a calming silence between us, and I knew he was in deep thought. I read through dozens of inscriptions and took note of the range of ages, from babies to those who were close to hitting the hundred mark. They all had their life stories, but it made me realize that I still had mine to live.

  After all the roses were given out, I thanked Woodrow for the company and wished him well. I had a wonderful boyfriend who was at home, waiting to love me. I had a good job and amazing friends. I had to live for Jamie. I owed it to her.

  Spending more time than I originally planned at the cemetery was good for me in the end. I was able to reflect and promised Jamie I would live for her and love with all my might.

  Aria and I had fallen into a comfortable routine of hanging out twice a week unless it was a particularly hard week for one of us. She had finally broken down and told me about her sister and the guilt she carried with her. Sutter realized I wasn’t a threat, for the most part, and we were at least cordial with each other.

  The days were getting easier as the months slid by. Yet I still couldn’t bring myself to surf again. I was repulsed by the mere thought of it. I realized I had different spots on the beach that I gravitated toward depending on my mood.

  I would get closer to the waves when I was feeling pissed off at the world— I would sit under the pier where Cami and I had our secret spot when I was missing her touch and presence— and I would head back toward the main road whenever I felt guilty of something I had done or thought about.

  Aria was the one who brought it up. I went where I felt like each day, and she picked up on it. Today, I was back toward the main road.

  I both loved and hated how playful Aria and I could be with each other. We would be hanging out, and I would catch myself letting my guard down and really enjoying her company. I was opening up to her and telling her shit that I’d never told anyone.

  We were affectionate, but we never crossed the line. Aria had caught me staring at her lips one day and to break the tension, she blurted out, “In the shower”. Looking at her questioningly, I waited for more of an explanation. Giggling uncontrollably, she finally explained her spastic vocabulary.

  “It’s somewhere I want to have sex, but never have. I didn’t know what else to say!” She was smiling bright, trying to hold in her laughter, but was failing horribly. “I didn’t know what to do and it popped into my head first! Not saying it was the smartest.” She ducked her head in bashfulness.

  “Really? That’s your solution for fixing those far and few awkward moments between us? To disconnect that energy? By telling me where you want to fuck? Wow, Aria. Wow.” I couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up.

  “Shut up! It obviously doused the moment so my plan worked perfectly.”

  And so started our random shouting out of places we’d like to fuck. Most of our friends thought we were crazy, but it was hilarious. We’d gotten creative after the first couple days, just to see if we could outdo the other.

  “In the model home’s media room.”

  “At the opera.”

  “In line at go-kart.”

  “The coffee shop counter.”

  “While test driving a truck.”

  Yeah, we started thinking outside the box. It was our thing. Something about Aria made me forget about everything else that was on constant repeat in my head and I was able to focus on the present. I cherished that about her, and she had no idea how much she had helped me over the past ten months.

  Ryder had agreed to meet me down on the beach when he asked if we could talk. It’d been way too long since we had seen each other, and I needed to fess up to him. He’d had time to process, to heal. I knew he needed time and that was what I gave him.

  Her birthday was coming up quickly. I wondered if that was what triggered his spur-of-the-moment reunion with me— since it was his birthday, too. They always celebrated their birthday together, and this would be the first without his twin by his side.

  Ryder was already on the beach when I arrived, and I braced myself for the difficult talk that we needed to have. As I got closer, my breath caught at how similar their features were. Same dark, slightly mussed-up hair, casual yet confident posture, squared-off shoulders, and without even looking at his face yet, I knew his nose and smile were the same as Cami’s.

  “I forgot how much you look like her,” I called out as I approached him, giving him a hug before taking a seat.

  “I heard that happens when you’re fraternal twins.” He looked over and smiled crookedly at me.

  We talked about our lack of getting back out in the water and how the beach had been my ‘go-to’ for tougher times.

  I needed to fill him in on his misconception about Cami and me. He deserved to know about our unborn child, who would have been his niece or nephew. I stared out at the water, going through
all the ways to tell him, and his anticipated reaction to each of them. Would he be upset? I didn’t want to crush him after he’d already lost his sister.

  I finally broke down the barrier and let it go. “Ryder, jeez, why did it have to be her? She was perfect. She was one of the good ones. She was going to be a child psychologist; she wanted to help people. She was my everything.”

  I lowered my head so he wouldn’t see me falling apart. I hated showing my vulnerability to him. He was her family. He didn’t know why I was reacting that way.

  “I know, I’ve told myself the same thing. She seemed so happy. I mean, even more than normal right before it happened. You know?” Ryder recalled. He had noticed, just hadn’t put the pieces together.

  I felt like I had betrayed him. Cami wanted him to know, and I denied her. I convinced her to wait, and because of my actions, he had gone nearly a year in the dark.

  Lifting my head to meet his vivid blue eyes, I went for it.

  “Did she ever talk about…us?” I waited patiently for his response.

  “She was always talking about what the two of you were doing. You were inseparable, so of course she talked about you guys together.” He wasn’t catching on— I was going to have to lay it out for him.

  “Ryder, I meant, did she ever mention us?” Emphasizing the last word, I looked into his eyes, willing him to have that ‘ah-ha’ moment. After a few moments, I saw it click for him. I could see him processing what that meant. The betrayal, the happiness, the sadness, the confusion— it all passed over his face, and I knew I was wrong in waiting so long. I wanted to tell him about the baby, but what would he think then? I was keeping this huge fucking secret from my best friend and Cami’s brother.

  I decided not to tell him. At least, not right then. I hated being the bearer of bad news and it was tearing me apart thinking about how he’d take it. I abhorred the constant feeling of being ripped apart, my heart being squeezed tight. I kept waiting for it to lessen, but I had come to the conclusion that I’d be miserable forever.

  I was losing it. I didn’t know how much more of it I could take. I was tired, so tired of acting like I was okay when I wasn’t. I hurt, with pain so intolerable I wanted to find an escape, no matter the outcome.

  Ryder sat by me while I dealt. I could care less that he saw. He knew how much she meant to me now, so it would be warranted now, in his eyes. He understood me. I missed him being around. Truth was, though— I couldn’t look at him without seeing her. It brought everything back, and it was unbearable.

  We talked a little more, but my mind was racing. I had too many thoughts that I needed to sort out, alone. Aria was the only one who successfully got my mind to take a break and made me just live. I needed that.

  After agreeing to meet him again on their birthday, we parted ways and I went home. I didn’t call Aria to come over. I deserved to be in pain. I regretted ever going out in the water that fateful day with her. Why hadn’t I suggested going out for a drive or maybe to the zoo? She would be alive. I despised myself, the ocean, and the life-altering waves.

  I should have made her my wife. So many regrets.

  I had gotten up the nerve to show Ryder my tattoo on my shoulder that I had gotten in Vegas which was a good lead-in to telling him about the baby. He took it better than I imagined, and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. We cried together and reminisced. I told him about catching her talking to her belly and how excited she was to become a mother.

  Soon after, Ryder left to tend to either personal or business matters in Vegas, but I knew we had gotten to a point that both of us needed to get to. I wasn’t hiding anything from him anymore and now he knew the history behind my relationship with his sister and knew how loved she was when she passed away.

  Heading down to Osmond’s, a local bar close to the beach, I ordered a whiskey, neat, and punished myself by thinking about what Cami and I would be doing at that very moment. Would we be putting our baby to sleep or consoling their cries? Would we have a schedule of who got up when?

  Three more whiskeys later, I was starting to finally feel numb, and I welcomed it. Perry, the bartender, seemed to understand my need for this and left me in my sorrows but kept the liquid flowing.

  I had successfully lost count of how many I’d had and was about to call a taxi when I felt a gentle hand touch my shoulder.

  “Tristen.” Her smooth, sweet voice carried through my brain as I tried to figure out how I knew it. Turning around, I was face-to-face with Mica, a former surf instructor who left us to go pro a few years back.

  “Mica, always the pleasure.” I had all but forgotten about her, but seeing her now, she’d only gotten more beautiful. Wearing minimal makeup, brown hair in loose curls, jean shorts, and a halter top, she was stunning. She was always the innocent one of the group, but you’d never tell just by looking at her now.

  “You look— rough. What’s new?” she inquired as she took a seat next to me, ordering a Dos Equis. Swiveling around to face the bar, I held on to the granite to regain my balance.

  She knew about Cami and me, but with us not seeing each other in years, she didn’t know what had happened. She didn’t look at me with pity or sadness.

  “Nothing really. Just needed to get out and have a drink.”

  “Or two, or seven? Seriously, how did you plan on getting home? Are you with friends?” She looked around the bar, but it was obvious that I was alone. Everyone else by now had partnered off or were in large groups. I was happily alone, minding my own business.

  “Perry over there was going to get me a cab. I think? Perry!” I yelled for him, but she quickly placed her hand over my mouth, effectively shutting me up.

  “I’ve got you, Tristen. That’s what old friends are for.” She rubbed my back lightly, most likely a friendly gesture, but it felt like more. I hadn’t been with a woman in so long that I leaned into it, hoping she wouldn’t stop.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be on some exotic island catching the best waves? Why are you back here?” I asked since no one had really heard from her since she left town. I searched for her a few times online and always saw photos of her on some of the best beaches in the world. After eighteen months, we gave up hope that she’d come back and visit so we all moved on and accepted it.

  “My brother is graduating from Pepperdine so I took two weeks off. Spend a little time back home, relaxing and getting back to my roots. I miss it here. It gets lonely traveling all the time. Perry, can you close his tab and grab two waters, please?”

  “What are you doing, Mica?” I was all set to go home and drift away in the night.

  “You’re not going home alone like this. I’d be up all night worrying if you choked to death on your own vomit or fell in the shower and hit your head.” Our waters appeared miraculously in front of us, and she added a tip for Perry to my check. “Now drink the water so we can leave, please.”

  “You still innocent, Mica?”

  “Wh-what are you talking about?”

  “We all knew how pure you were back in the day, with those lean abs, perky tits, and bubble butt. All the guys wanted you but, you never gave them the time of day. I want to know if it’s changed.”

  “A lot has changed over the years, Tristen. I’m twenty-five now.” She looked up into my eyes, and I saw desire, want, and need. Her gray eyes gazed into mine, trying to find the reassurance that her desires weren’t one-sided.

  Standing up and nuzzling my chin against her shoulder, I whispered to her, “You’ve grown up. Let’s see what you’ve learned since you’ve been gone.” I caught the bottom of her earlobe between my lips and sucked, causing her to moan ever so slightly. Just enough for me to hear.

  Mica stood up and nodded with a still innocent smile. “Follow me.” She grabbed my hand and led the way out of the bar. She had a swing to her hips that I kept staring at while following closely behind. My cock was hardening at her closeness. It’d been so long, he was standing at attention, just waiting for her to make her
move. Mica seemed to be trying to prove something to herself with me, and I was probably doing the same, if I really thought about it.

  “Come on, hot shot. You better tell me if you’re going to be sick. I don’t plan on having to babysit you all night,” she called out after opening the passenger door and waiting for me to slip in.

  “I’m fine. Already sobering up.” I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I wanted her to know I was conscious enough to make this decision, whatever it might be.

  After starting the engine, she pulled out of the parking lot and made the quick drive to her place. It was a nice, contemporary home in a newer neighborhood. White painted brick covered the exterior, and at the ending of the walkway was a large, modern metal door. I knew she did well with touring, but shit.

  Unlocking the door, she let me in first and followed close behind. Tossing her keys onto the kitchen table, she said, “I never fully moved in. The kitchen, family room, media room, and master are the only rooms fully decorated. I wish I had more time to spend here. I’ve got Gatorade, if you’re thirsty? You used to love the red kind down on the beach. Never went a shift without at least two of them.” She walked over to the fridge and grabbed water for her and a Gatorade for me.

  I settled down on the couch and watched as she sat down next to me, crossing her legs and pivoting so we were facing each other. She still hadn’t eluded to me why I was here or what her plan of action was.

  “Mica?” I questioned, hoping that’d be enough to make her talk.

  “Do you have a girlfriend? I should have asked that before I brought you here. I mean, I don’t do this. But it was you. Shit, I’m fucking this up. Do you? Have a girlfriend?”

  I chuckled, realizing she was still the same, but maybe trying to change that whole innocence factor. I actually liked that idea. Someone who hadn’t been used and abused? Tabula rasa. A blank slate.