I was about to meet my child. I wished I had gotten a better look at him the day at the festival. Brushing the invisible dirt off my shirt, I jogged to the door and held it open wide.
Little Jagger was asleep in her arms. “Shh. He’s only been asleep about twenty minutes, and I don’t want to mess up his schedule too much. Is there somewhere I could lay him down?” She peeked inside, smiling all the while.
“Uhh… yeah sure.” Looking around, I had no idea where would be safe for a baby to sleep. Bed? Couch? Floor? “Oh! I know… follow me.”
We walked to the guest bedroom that I had effectively turned into a man’s room. Surfboards that I’d collected over the years lined the walls and I had bought two Love Sacs to lie in while playing video games with buddies of mine. There was a mini fridge in the corner for beer and that was about it.
“Think one of these would work? They conform around you. We can hang out in here to keep an eye on him, too.”
“That’s perfect. He should be out at least another hour or so.” She went to set him down. Touching her arm, I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“Can I? I mean, do you mind if I hold him?” I asked uncertainly.
“Of course.” She walked up in front of me and placed him into my waiting arms. Yawning quietly, he stayed happily asleep in my much larger arms.
“He’s got your nose, Cami. He’s so precious and small.” I couldn’t stop staring at the bundle in my arms.
“He’s got your eyes, though.” She was watching my expression as I peered up. She knew he was mine. I thanked God for that. I could feel it in my heart when I held him that I was his father.
“Yeah, I guess I’ll have to wait and see when he wakes up. Can I keep holding him while he sleeps?” I wasn’t sure if it would be alright or not.
“I try not to, but in this case, I think that’d be perfect. Let’s go to the family room, and we can get comfortable.” She led us out like she recognized the home. I inhaled the wonderful smell of coconut as she passed by. She’d lived with me for years. She was already feeling more like my Cami since I had seen her a few hours before. Maybe this would help her, too.
She sat on one end of the couch facing toward the middle so I followed suit, tucking my right foot underneath my left leg so that I could hold Jagger in my lap. It was like carrying a huge football around everywhere.
Watching him sleep soundly was a life-changing moment for me. Our love created him and he was no doubt a part of both of us. My eyes, her nose, and I hoped he got her brains. I wondered if she had remembered about her degree in child psychology or if she planned on being a stay-at-home mom. All of these questions were stirring, but I was content, being with her and Jagger, in our home.
“Being here— it brings back memories. Not full memories, but just glimpses and emotions. I was happy here, and safe. Back where I’m at now, I feel nothing when I’m there. I thought it was just my brain not being able to remember, but now I know that there wasn’t anything to go off of there. Everything he said was a lie.” I watched as she became more infuriated at the thought of someone taking advantage of her injury. “I still can’t believe he lied to me and made me believe we were supposed to be a family, that I loved him. I thought I was a shitty girlfriend, because I couldn’t find it in me to care for him. Now I know why.”
“Cami, I’m sorry I didn’t find you. I thought you were…that you were gone. We searched for days for you, checked local hospitals, and had the police and the Coast Guard looking for you. I kept being told that the chances of you being found alive after being missing for so long were slim. For him to feed you wrong information just so you’d be with him? There are so many reasons that jackass should be in prison right now. He told you my child was his. He fucking raised him with you while I was here alone, assuming that I was just supposed to deal with it and move on.”
The whole situation was messed up. Cami, Jagger, and I were the ones it affected most, though.
“Shit!” I called out upon realizing Ryder hadn’t been told yet. It caused Jagger to squirm and scrunch up his face. “Oh, no! I didn’t mean to, but Cami, we gotta call your brother,” I finished off in a whisper.
Jagger began wailing, and I tried thinking of what I should do. I tried rocking him in my arms, but he wasn’t having it. In the end, Cami picked him up and soothed him by singing a lullaby and bouncing him gently in her arms. She was a natural, and I was in awe.
I knew she’d be a fantastic mother but seeing it firsthand did something to me.
“Tristen. Are your eyes wet?” Cami quietly asked.
Fuck it.
“I have loved you since the day I met you. I’ve thought about you and our baby for the past nineteen months, thinking about all these ‘what ifs’ and now you’re here. Seeing our child and being able to hold him in my arms compares to nothing else in the world. I love you and I love him. Day by day sweetheart, I’ll show you everything we used to be and what there is to come. We’re a team in this, and I want you to come home. Please don’t stay with that douche any longer. I’ll have someone go get your things for you. Just please, stay with me. And let me get to know our baby boy.”
It was her turn for tears. Without a vocal response, she nodded her head and smiled. Moving closer to me, I undid my legs and turned so that she was by my side. She snuggled so that our bodies were touching and her hand went to my thigh. It was the perfect moment— holding my son in one arm and the love of my life in the other.
Her head rested on my shoulder. “I’ll come home, Tristen.”
We stayed like that for another hour before Jagger woke up and demanded his momma’s attention.
“Do you by chance have any milk?” she called out from the floor where she was busy changing his diaper.
“Two-percent okay?” I wasn’t sure what Jagger was supposed to have.
“That’s fine. There’s an empty sippy cup in that bag over there if you want to fill it up about two-thirds of the way for me.” She motioned her head in the direction of the front door to hint at where the bag was. Luckily, the cup was in a separate compartment on the side, and I found it without much effort.
After filling his cup, I brought it to her and sat down on the floor beside her.
“Cai momma, Cai.” Jagger repeated over and over again as he tottered over to the television.
“Honey, I don’t think Cailou is on this TV. We’ll watch at home— I mean, later.” She looked up and mouthed sorry to me.
“I have Netflix and could see if they have it on there?” I desperately wanted to have everything she needed to feel at home but knew I was at a disadvantage. Checking to see if the show was available, I grinned from ear to ear when I saw it was. It only took Cami spelling it out for me twice to be able to find it.
“Cai! Cai!” Jagger screamed eagerly once the show was on.
“What do you need to say?”
He walked away from the screen and came up to my legs. “Tank you.” Jagger then turned toward Cami. “Momma? Who’s dat?” he asked in curiosity.
What would she say?
“He’s family, baby. And you know what? He loves you very much.” She patted my knee in reassurance.
“Sit?” He looked in my lap, asking his question.
Opening my arms, I smiled and nodded my head. “Yeah, buddy, you can sit.” I slid my hand over next to Cami’s and smiled when I felt her fingers interlace with mine.
I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but I was ready.
My heart was twisting with emotions. Seeing Tristen with Cami, the missing puzzle piece was put in place. He was whole again.
It hit me after they had left that I’d always and forever be just his friend, nothing more. I had it in the back of my mind that one day, maybe it would work for Tristen and me, but I was obviously wrong. Whereas this morning, I was excited about seeing Tristen, now I couldn’t face him if I tried. He was where he needed to be, and I was happy for him. I just needed to figure out what to do with myself.
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Work went by achingly slow as I wondered what the couple was up to that moment. I was so curious about how much she remembered and the rest of her story. I figured I needed to give them a few days before talking to them again. They needed time together to figure it all out. I understood that.
Going home alone was bittersweet.
We had stopped by Payton’s home, where Ryder now lived, and broke the news to both of them. They had a shaky start to their relationship, but now they were happier than ever. Payton’s self-published storytelling of her rendezvous’ in Vegas caught Ryder’s editorial eye and his search for her turned into love. Payton had never met Cami but heard enough to know how big a deal this all was. Ryder was in shock for a while, just staring between his sister and me, trying to process the new information. He was livid when he found out about Zander, and I had to take him away from the girls to let him know I’d already paid a visit to him once. Ryder was protective as hell of his twin, and I respected him for that, but Zander wasn’t my priority at the time. Cami was.
He had started spewing out a crap ton of questions, but it quickly overwhelmed Cami. She was hard on herself when she didn’t remember chunks of her life before the accident, and we all had to learn to be sensitive around our history sessions.
In the end, he embraced his sister and vowed that he and Payton would be there for us through it all. Payton was going through mid-day morning sickness and excused herself a few times during our visit, but Cami was excited to find out she’d be an aunt soon enough. She was exhausted after our visit with them, but I think it helped to see her brother and know that Ryder and I were trustworthy sources for anything she wanted to know about before.
Ryder and I called in to the police station later that afternoon regarding Zander’s kidnapping, and while I tried to shield Cami and Jagger from the craziness, they were a bit taken aback. Cami gave them all the information they needed and assured them that they weren’t physically hurt and didn’t need hospital care. I watched helplessly as detectives collected information and sighed in relief when they finally left. Zander was in jail with a hefty bail set and authorities were working on getting Cami and Jagger’s paperwork updated in their systems. Everywhere had shown that Cami was deceased, and it needed to be overridden.
Cami and Jagger were doing amazing once they got settled in our house. She moved into my room since we set Jagger up in the spare room. The blush that crossed her face when I brought the topic up only strengthened the fact that I craved her being near me. Having her in my bed was where she belonged; where she spent every night before the accident. Her shy nod of acceptance gave me hope that we’d fall back into our old rhythm of being together.
It seemed that the more she was with me, the more she remembered. I was still filling her in here and there, but she was happy to ask questions and I was able to relive some of our memories together.
Jagger warmed up to me immediately, and I was hopeful that we’d soon be able to tell him that I was his daddy. Cami and I had discussed it, and she thought he’d handle it okay. She also thought that since he was so young, it’d be better to tell him sooner rather than later.
We were down at the beach watching him play in the sand when I noticed Cami staring out into the water. Jagger was content trying to get the sand to stay together with the bucket of water we brought over from the ocean so I could focus on her for a moment.
“Is it okay that we’re here? You haven’t said much since we sat down.” Rubbing her shoulders, I tried to soothe her, but she was still strung tight. I had thought it’d be a nice day out with Jagger, and he was loving the beach so far. After lathering him up in sunscreen, he was ready to go with his Little Swimmers Diaper and baby board shorts.
“I just wish I remembered that day, before Zander found me. I hate that I can’t remember, and I’ve tried so hard, but there’s nothing. You say Ryder was with us, but it’s such a blur. I hoped that being here would help, especially since you’re with me now.” She sounded so defeated, so discouraged.
Looking back at Cami, I tried to encourage her. Slowly bringing my lips to her ear, I whispered, “there isn’t a deadline for you to remember. Whatever you happen to remember is great, but you can’t keep concentrating on the past. Look at our son, Cami, he’s such an intelligent and sweet boy.” I didn’t want to come on too strong, but I couldn’t help but place a kiss on her neck, followed by a nibble and suck to her ear. Her slight moan gave me the reassurance I needed that we would get back to where we were. Now, I could wait for her to be ready. I watched as Jagger made little mounds in the sand that progressively got bigger. He even made one smaller when he realized it was close to the same size as the one next to it. His little tongue stuck out as he concentrated on his little project.
Smiling sweetly, she nodded in agreement. “I don’t want to feel like a burden. I ask you so many questions about our past; I just wish I had my own answers. I am grateful to have both of my boys in my life now. Thank you, Tristen.”
“Anytime, baby. What do you think about bringing our baby boy up to the water? See what he thinks when it hits his feet?” I said it so it was for him, but I knew it’d be something special for both of them.
Waiting for her answer, I took in the beauty in front of me. Cami was wearing a yellow bikini, and her hair was down in waves. Her long legs were tucked under and Jagger was to her side, content as could be. Hearing the waves lightly crash in the distance, at the beach we had become so fond of; this was my heaven on earth.
“I think he’d love it. Hey, Jagger? Wanna go closer to the splashes?” His head popped up, and he maneuvered himself into a standing position.
“Go, Momma, go!” He held out his hand for her to take.
“Come on, Jagger. Let’s all go together.” I stood up and went to his other side. Once Cami and I both hand a firm grip on his hands, we lifted him a foot or so off the ground so he could swing between us.
“Gan! Gan!” He giggled in fits of laughter, waiting for us to do it again.
Cami and I were in sync with our movements as we headed closer to the water, swinging him all the way. When our toes hit the water, we stopped swinging and I crouched down to his level.
“That’s a lotta water out there, buddy. Momma and I grew up around the water, but we have to be very careful, right?” I waited as he nodded his head slightly.
“Alright, let’s have a seat here and let the water come to us. Wanna sit with Momma in her lap or do you wanna be a big boy and sit next to us?” Cami and I had a seat and watched as he looked between both of us but ended up having a seat in my lap. Cami scooted closer, and we watched as the water came up just before our feet and receded. She looked at me and smiled, knowing how big it was for him to choose to sit with me, instead of her.
“I think he knows,” she whispered.
“How?” We hadn’t told him yet.
“Instinct, I guess. He was never like this with Zander. Always shy and never went to him willingly.” I took a moment to let that sink in. Jagger knew I was his daddy?
Nudging her shoulder, I mouthed ask him.
“Hey, baby? Who’s your momma?” Jagger turned toward her and giggled.
“You’s momma.” He pointed and laughed again.
“And, baby? Who’s your daddy?” Jagger turned completely around and pointed at me.
“Dada?” he asked with bewilderment. “Dada?”
I couldn’t hold back the tears and smile that erupted. Nodding my head, I went in and gave him a kiss on his forehead.
“Yeah, buddy. I’m your daddy.”
We spent the next hour out there, watching as the waves crashed and laughing at how little Jagger squealed each time the water reached him. Such an easygoing day was a blessing in disguise. Jagger needed time with both of us, doing normal family stuff. I knew being back out here with us helped Cami in a way; let her face the reality of what happened and to see how far she’d come since then. For me, I needed this reassurance that they were a part of my life
and weren’t going to leave. My son knew who I was and my girl was back.
As we walked back up to our belongings, I felt Cami trace the tattoo on my back. “Sometimes in the waves of change, we find our true direction. How long have you had this?” she pondered, sounding unsure of herself.
“It was after your accident. The dolphins portrayed you and Jagger, who you had thought was going to be a girl, by the way. It just seemed fitting to have both of you looking over me together. I kinda got the nipple piercings the same day. I was in a bad place, and I actually welcomed the pain. It distracted me from the deep, throbbing pain in my chest over losing you. The piercings were dumb, but the quote still fits. Out of all this change that’s happened in our lives, we’re still together. We’re meant to be together, baby. Knowing that Jagger knows that I’m his daddy, it just solidifies everything for me,” I spout out without thought of who was around or what her reaction would be. When I finally did look down, she looked in awe. Smiling slightly, I reached down and picked up Jagger and brought them both in for a hug. “Forever and always.”
He didn’t realize how insecure I was about my memories. Walking through life without knowing if I’ve met the person in front of me was a total mind-fuck. Finding out about Zander made me question anyone’s offer to help with my memories. He had been lying to me, and I had no idea.
I’d woken up twice this week in full-on panic mode. The first time, I didn’t remember where I was or who was lying next to me. Tristen tried consoling me, but my brain kept telling me not to trust anyone. The second time, I knew I was in bed with Tristen but woke up thinking that Zander was trying to get into the house. Curling into Tristen’s arms, I kept waiting for the door knob to move and for the monster himself to come into our room. It took Tristen a while to bring me back to the present and soothe me as I fell asleep peacefully in his arms.
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