Regretfully

by Leighton Riley

  The moment I walked into Payton’s home, I heard the bubbling laughter coming from the kitchen. Quietly setting my bag down, I walked toward the kitchen and grinned when I saw Chloe bent down at eye level of Payton’s belly, having a discussion between her and my niece or nephew about how if they were a girl, they weren’t allowed to like boys until she was in college, and if they were a boy, to keep it in their pants and not knock anyone up before he’s thirty.

  As I watched their easygoing banter and admired the level of comfort between the two of them, I longed for that. I wanted a girlfriend who could say anything they wanted without boundaries, who would know how I was feeling without having to utter a word, and to be able to share my happiness with. Payton and I were on our way there, but it was obvious where Chloe fit in Payton’s life, and I knew I’d always be a close second. I just needed Chloe to know that I was okay with that, and I wasn’t trying to step on anyone’s toes.

  “Cami!” both of them shouted when they saw me pop my head into the kitchen. Blushing at the attention, I walked in and gave them both hugs. I was glad that they had settled things and even more appreciative at how open arms they were with me.

  “Thank God you’re here! I had to block Payton from eating any more of the food we just cut up. I was worried you and I would be eating pizza tonight since weeble-wobble over there ate our dinner.” Chloe laughed as she picked up the trays of food and set everything in place.

  “I. Am not. A weeble-wobble! I’m just curvy,” Payton argued as she ate a carrot. “And besides, I was eating the healthy shit, not the desserts.”

  “How’s it going now? I haven’t seen you in a few days but every time I see you lately, you look more, glowing?” She knew what I meant. She was turning into a butterball, poor girl.

  “I know. I’ve gained three more pounds since we hung out last. Now, are we going to eat, or what?” Payton settled into her seat and I rubbed my flat tummy, hoping that I would get to experience that again.

  “Wine, Cami?” Chloe offered, but I politely declined. I knew it could take a while but I didn’t want to take the chance.

  “Are you trying to be supportive of Payton by not drinking or is something else going on?” Chloe questioned.

  “Nothing is going on. I’ve gotten off my birth control, though, and we’re trying. Nothing yet, but I don’t want to mess anything up. Payton, do you have any tea?”

  “In the fridge there’s sweet tea,” she said while eyeing my ring curiously.

  “When were you going to tell us? It’s kind of hard to hide,” she hollered from the table. Walking back to the table, I gave her a questioning glance.

  “Don’t play dumb. The ring! When and how did it happen?” Payton got all giddy, waiting for the story, while Chloe sat back and gave a slight smile. She was quiet while I told them the story, and by the end of it, I felt bad that Chloe was now surrounded by two friends who were getting married and starting families.

  “You guys better invite some hot, single men to your weddings. I’m in need of the beef. My poor cooter is tired of only having me as its playdate.”

  “I’m sure there will be plenty of man candy around. Have you gotten back out there yet?” I inquired as I watched Chloe stir cheese. Payton already had her skewers prepared with the veggies she wanted and was waiting patiently.

  “I tried going out with a friend from college, but during the whole date, I kept looking for reasons not to go out with him again. He was a great guy, but that spark wasn’t there. I don’t think I’m quite ready, but I really want to be. I’ve never really been single for this long. I’ve hopped from one relationship into another and this whole ‘being-alone’ and ‘embrace yourself’ thing is new territory, and I’m not quite sure yet if I like it.” She dipped a piece of green apple into the cheese and twirled it to get the excess cheese off before popping it into her mouth.

  “Being single isn’t a bad thing. Focus on you, what you like to do, and what makes you happy. This is one of the few times that you’re supposed to be selfish and put yourself first. Take advantage of it and get to know your own wants and needs. I love Tristen and all, but sometimes it’s nice to concentrate on just you,” I tried telling her. From the little I knew about Chloe, I had figured out she focused heavily on who was beside her. I wanted her to be able to stand strong, with or without a man next to her.

  “I know what my wants and needs are. A good fucking with a fine-ass man. Oh, and he should have a massive member. It’s quite simple, really.” She shrugged her shoulders and gave a sly smirk.

  “That’s not all she’s looking for. She just happens to be super horny at the moment. Chloe, you will find another guy who’s actually worthy of you, but right now, it’s girls’ night and I’m tired of talking about men!” Payton responded as she went in for the main course.

  “I don’t think I can move,” Payton muttered as she held her full stomach.

  “I think I’m gonna have a food baby. See, look at that,” Chloe moaned as she pointed to her puffed out stomach.

  “I never want to eat again. That was way too much food, girls. Can we go lay down?” I rubbed my stomach, wondering how I was feeling fuller now than I was ten minutes ago when I took the last bite.

  “Come on, girls. My bed. We’ll pop a movie in and not move for the next two hours.” Payton maneuvered herself to a standing position and began her slow journey to the bedroom.

  Following slowly behind, we all made ourselves comfortable on Payton’s bed and within minutes, Payton was sound asleep and I was headed that way. Our girls’ night might have been tamer than most, but I drifted off feeling like I was right where I belonged.

  “Did you just decide not to believe me when I told you it’s not safe out there? I will bring whatever you need to you, baby, but you shouldn’t leave the house. Whoever wanted you dead that day in the water is still out there. They will be looking for you. How dumb can you be?” he lectured.

  “I just wanted to make you a special dinner. I didn’t have all the ingredients, though. I didn’t think it’d be a big deal.” I lowered my head, not wanting to look him in the eyes.

  “Tami, you’re almost seven months pregnant! If they knew you were alive, they’d take you and the baby. It kills me to even think about what all they’d do to you. You and your reckless behavior. Fucking cunt. So fucking dumb,” he hollered as he walked away from me, slamming the bedroom door.

  I could never do anything right. Maybe he is right. Why does he even put up with me?

  Looking around me, I smiled at how perfect the meal would have been. The chicken was golden brown yet moist, the asparagus and zucchini were roasted to perfection, and I had baked a chocolate cake from a recipe I found online.

  Rubbing my large bump, I decided to dish up for both of us in hopes of Zander returning shortly. I made sure to eat in small bites so that when he came to the table, I would be able to eat with him. Damn pregnancy hunger.

  After forty-five minutes, I realized he was not going to join me, and I carefully put the food in containers and set them in the fridge. By the time I was done in there, the countertops were spotless, and no remnants of my idea remained.

  Tiptoeing toward our bedroom room, I went to twist the door handle, but it was locked. Knowing he didn’t want to see me, I pulled a blanket out of the linen closet and made myself comfortable on the couch, running through all the reasons I was not a good girlfriend to Zander. I thought about what I could have done differently and how I’d apologize in the morning, after he’d cooled down.

  I was jolted awake when I heard the front door open. Curling myself under the covers, I peeked up and watched as Zander staggered in with a female tramp in tow, stumbling as they made their way down the hall to the bedroom.

  “Who’s that?” the girl asked.

  “No one of importance. Come on, I can’t want to see what’s under that dress,” he slurred, obviously drunk.

  The urge to vomit grew exponentially as I heard them stop along the wall and
I could see him hoisting her up against it, grinding himself against her. I wasn’t sexually attracted to Zander, but it hurt to watch him fondle her breasts and slide a hand under her dress.

  I wanted to leave but knew the repercussions would be far worse than waiting for them to finish and for the slut to leave. Feigning sleep, I tried to distract myself, but the moans and groans that were coming from the open bedroom door was too much.

  Rushing to the kitchen, I emptied the contents of my stomach and prayed I hadn’t made too much noise. Walking quietly back to the couch, I tried situating myself so it looked like I was still asleep but I had to pee so bad, I was not sure how long I’d make it.

  Hearing his loud footsteps, I was overjoyed that they seemed to be done and he was sending her on her way. Snuggling myself into the blanket, I suddenly felt his hand on my hip.

  “Now, you learn your lesson. Wake up, cunt. I have something I’d like you to see.” His tone was harsh and his hand wrapped around my forearm, jerking me to sit up.

  “Huh? Zander, what are you doing?” I yawned; scared he’d see the terror in my eyes. He had a demented gleam in his eyes that made me want to escape, to find anywhere else to go, but because of the monster in front of me, I was frightened of what was out there as well. Which was the lesser of two evils, I wondered.

  “No questions. Get up. Oh, and meet Veronica. You’ll be getting well-acquainted with her very shortly. Now, come on.” I stood up and with a hand behind my back, he guided me into our room. Veronica was lying on the bed and had spread her legs, apparently more in the know than I was.

  Unsure why I was here, or to be honest, why she was here, I stood and waited. Waited for him to dismiss me, for this to be over, for me to find the strength to leave him behind and get away from him for good. I was powerless and unwanted. He didn’t find me beautiful anymore, not with my pregnant belly and stretch marks. The tears came and I couldn’t stop them from running down my face. I was fearful of everything and all I wanted was to be alone, away from harm.

  “It’s come to my attention that Miss Veronica here likes women as well as men. Who am I to deny her? Now get on your knees and make her come.” He sat in the chair in the corner, unbuckling his pants and pulling his flaccid cock out of his boxers. I knew they’d already fucked.

  Looking between both of them, I tried to gauge if they were serious or not. Zander had never put me in this type of situation before, nor have I ever talked about it being a curiosity of mine. I thought women were beautiful and the idea of it being seen as forbidden was a turn on, but not like this. I wanted it on my terms.

  “Zander, I don’t want to. You’re beautiful, Veronica, I’m sorry. I’ll go out in the backyard while you… finish what you need to.” Folding my arms across my chest, I quickly lowered them once I see how much cleavage the action causes me to show.

  “This isn’t negotiable. Plus, if you’re good, maybe she’ll return the favor.”

  “I’ve never been with a pregnant chick. It turns me on, though,” Veronica chimed in, smiling sweetly with her fingers teasing her folds.

  Trying to put myself in the mindset, I told myself that doing this now, without protest, would be the path of least resistance. She was pretty, I could get into it. I’d rather be with her than him, really.

  Nodding my head, I moved toward her and tried to avoid thinking about the man to my left. Me and her. Bending down between her legs, I looked up and focused on her caring eyes. Smiling slightly, she knew how out of the element I was with this. She mouthed, it’s okay. Her simple gesture gave me enough strength to go through with this.

  Using a combination of my tongue and fingers, I tried giving her an experience that I’d get off on and from the way she was arching her back and moaning, I figured I’d gotten the idea down and became wet at the thought of giving her such pleasure. I could hear Zander giving me commands in the background, but I turned my focus solely on her needs.

  “Just like that. God, you’re amazing, don’t stop!” Veronica called out. I knew she was close. I could feel her muscles starting to contract around my two fingers. In another life, I would have enjoyed having it reciprocated. Her screams of pleasure brought a smile to my face and for the first time in months, I felt sexy and wanted.

  Slipping my fingers out of her opening, I backed away and waited for Zander to protest. “You can go now. You’re not needed anymore.” He brushed me off and I walked briskly out the door and straight to the restroom to relieve myself. Sitting on the seat, I took in what just happened.

  “I’ll keep us safe, Angel. I promise you that. I’ll do whatever has to be done to keep us safe. Stay in there for me a little while longer, though. Can you do that for Momma?” I talked to my stomach, smiling at how we’re linked together and knowing he or she was with me gave me the strength I needed. The strength to put up with Zander until I had a plan worked out and had things figured out.

  “Cami! Let go!” Payton’s shouting brought me out of my slumber, and I opened my eyes, trying to figure out what she was talking about. Looking down, I realized I had a firm grip on Payton’s belly.

  “I’m sorry! I was dreaming and…I’m sorry! I didn’t hurt you did I?”

  “No, I just wasn’t sure why you were fondling me. If you wanted me, all you had to do was ask,” Payton teased. I felt horrible and tried to remember the dream I was having. Recalling bits and pieces, I covered my head with my hands as I realized how horrible of a time that was in my life.

  I hated who I was back then. I was so lost, so dependent on Zander. It took me longer than I planned to get enough courage and information to leave him. I felt like it was my fault it took so long for me to go to Aria, and ultimately, Tristen. I should have remembered quicker. I should have been stronger for Jagger’s sake. He was never hurt by Zander, but he wasn’t loved by him, either.

  Chloe was still passed out, but it was clear that Payton understood what just happened. We all had our demons. I was still dealing with mine, apparently.

  “Does Tristen know about what all happened while you were gone?” She placed a comforting hand on my knee.

  Shaking my head, I let her know how ashamed I was and how I was working them out on my own.

  “He’s a good guy. Don’t be afraid to let him in. It took me a while to really let your brother in, but once I did, it was like everything I had been battling wasn’t so bad anymore. Having him with me to support me; it helped tremendously.”

  We ended up spending another hour talking about how crazy our lives had been over the past few months before we went back to sleep. I was going to be a wife and a new aunt soon— and I was ready for whatever life threw my way.

  “What do you mean, you haven’t ruled me out yet? I didn’t do anything!” I whisper-yelled as I walked out to my car and headed for Ryder and Payton’s home. I thought Stephen had called to tell me I was cleared as a suspect, but this was news. “You said the bookie guy was pretty much behind it, what happened there?”

  I was fuming. The last few weeks had been torture as the police completed their investigation, and last I had heard, the skid marks on the street matched the type of car his bookie’s right hand man drove. It wasn’t hard evidence, but Stephen thought it was enough to look further into the duo.

  “They hide what they do extremely well. No paper trail and apparently his partner’s car was in the shop the night that Zander was killed. Zander’s confession to his friends about Cami and his rivalry with you is what’s keeping you on the line-up. Just wait it out. I’m sure they’ll find something out that will eliminate you as a suspect.” Stephen knew me well enough to know this wasn’t something I’d do. I just had to keep up faith that they would find out who did this to him.

  When no one answered after knocking twice and noting that their cars were in the driveway, I decided I’d let myself in so that I could drop off the bassinet Cami had picked out as a pre-baby shower gift. She was just as excited as Payton was about the new baby and I wasn’t going to spoil her fun
.

  Placing the box on the kitchen table, I walked into the family room and that was when I heard it. I covered my mouth, trying to figure out what to do. Chuckling at thinking about how creative Ryder and Payton would have to be by now with her very pregnant belly, my mind wondered to how Cami and I would be while she was pregnant. Would she be wanting it all the time like she already does or would it be more tame? Vivid images of my girl and me popped into my head just as I heard another moan coming from Payton, successfully pulling me out of my thought. Cami had given me strict orders that she wanted Payton to see it today since they were creating their baby registry that night— so I had to wait it out.

  Fuck.

  Walking back to the kitchen to get further away from the noise, I tried to figure out my best move. Looking into the backyard, my eyes zeroed in on the hammock, and I figured that might be my best option. I walked outside and almost toppled over as I tried to maneuver myself into a laying position and finally get comfortable. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I sent a quick text to both of them.

  The first to Ryder-

  Me: I feel like we should have some kind of sock on the door thing from now on. I’m outside whenever you’re…done

  The second to Payton-

  Me: I promise not to look at you different after hearing… that. I have a surprise for you but it’s probably not as good as loverboy

  I must have fallen asleep because I was jolted awake when I felt the hammock turning over.

  “What the hell?” I asked from the ground. Looking up, I saw Payton tapping her foot and Ryder laughing a few feet behind her.

  “What the hell? Really? You’re in our backyard, Tristen. You don’t get to ask that. What are you doing here?” she calls out, trying to sound as pissed as she can. She was wearing the slightest grin, and the longer I stared, the more pronounced it got.