Reasons Not to Fall in Love

by Moseley, Kirsty

  Skye made a half scoff in her throat and shook her head. “Yeah, thanks for that. At least her Halloween outfit is already sorted.”

  “Halloween outfit? That’s a coming home outfit if ever I saw one,” Harrison replied with mock hurt.

  I frowned, wondering what his present was – until my eyes settled on the baby Yoda outfit that was hanging over the back of a chair. It even had a soft toy lightsaber sewn to its belt. I gasped. “Oh God that’s awesome! Did you get that? I love it!” I chirped, laughing. I was a huge Star Wars fan.

  Harrison grinned and nodded rather proudly. “Yep. Saw it and had to get it.”

  The nurse cleared her throat dramatically behind us, signalling for us to get a move on. I grinned at the outfit again, already wondering where he got it from and if I could get one in Theo’s size. “I’d better go. I’ll see you in a little while.” I turned and walked towards the curtain, knowing my mum was probably biting her nails down to the quick while waiting for me to come out. Behind me, I could hear Harrison saying his goodbyes.

  “About time!” Mum announced as I walked out. Brandon’s mother stood next to her, both looking just as eager as she was to take my visitors place. Neither of them wasted any time darting in there as soon as I stepped out of the room.

  I eyed the clock. It wasn’t even half past seven yet, so I would get plenty more baby snuggling time before visiting hours ended. Instead of leaving, like I’d assumed he would, Harrison stopped at my side. “So, how old is your son or daughter?”

  “He’s almost six.” I smiled at the thought of Theo; he was the only good thing that had ever come from his jack-off of a father.

  “Skye talks about you a lot. You live in London, don’t you?” I nodded in answer to his question. “You driving home tonight or…?”

  “No, I’m staying at my mum’s, and then my husband and little boy are coming tomorrow to see Evie.”

  “That’s nice. You, er, want to get a coffee or something while you wait for your turn to go in again?” he offered, nodding at the maternity ward door.

  At the mention of coffee, my mouth watered. I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink for the last few hours, and was actually ravenous. “Sure,” I agreed, following him along the hallway and out of the ward. “You not got anything to rush home for?”

  He shrugged. “Only tonight’s Hollyoaks but I taped that so we’re all good,” he joked, winking at me.

  “So you’re a Star Wars fan?” I asked, remembering the Yoda outfit.

  A grin stretched across his face. By the time we got to the hospital café, we were engrossed in a debate about which was the greatest Star Wars movie. Still immersed in the argument, I loaded a sandwich onto my tray while he made two coffees. When we got to the till, he paid before I even had a chance to get my purse from my bag. He waved his hand dismissively at my protests and offered to pay for mine. I had to smile at how sweet he was.

  Choosing a seat in the busy café, talk turned to his job and how he knew Brandon and Skye. Surprisingly, conversation was easy and flowing. He was extremely easy to get along with, and incredibly funny too. I could see why my sister and brother-in-law liked this guy, I’d known him for a little over half an hour, and in that time he’d got me under his spell too. He was a genuinely nice guy – and hot to boot!

  When his leg accidentally brushed mine as he shifted in his seat, my mind was already running rampant again. I really had no idea what was going on inside me. I’d never been attracted to another guy before, never even entertained the thought, but the warmth emanating from his thigh to mine made my stomach clench and the skin on my arms to prickle.

  I took a bite of my sandwich, noticing he was watching my every move.

  “So, what will it take for me to convince you to stay at my place tonight instead of your mum’s?” he asked, raising one eyebrow as he sipped his coffee.

  I laughed at his attempt. The involuntary smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. I really didn’t want to find this guy funny, but I just couldn’t help myself. “Copious amount of alcohol, dancing and a kebab,” I joked.

  “Done,” he agreed. “You’ll have the time of your life.” He smirked at me, and my lungs constricted at the promise in his voice. It had been so incredibly long since I’d had someone look at me the way he was looking at me. Sure, Finn and I still had an active sex life because a girl still had needs, but he didn’t look at me the way Harrison was, not any more anyway. The little glint to his eyes was making butterflies swoop around in my stomach, and if I wasn’t married, if I didn’t have a five year old waiting for me at home, two jobs and rent to pay, I would push him down onto the cold tiled floor and ravage his body until he begged for mercy.

  I frowned and swallowed the lust that was starting to build up inside me. When his gaze flitted down my body, I stiffened at the smouldering passion that was building in his eyes. I hadn’t had anyone look at me like that in what felt like forever. That look was enough to give me sleepless nights. If I’d been going home tonight instead of staying at Mum’s, I would have certainly used Finn’s body for my own satisfaction.

  Thankfully, my mobile phone ringing saved me from thinking up a witty knock-back to his suggestion. I looked down at the screen, seeing my mum’s number flashing on there. “Hey, Mum,” I answered, putting it to my ear again.

  “I’m out. It’s your turn to go back in,” she stated before hanging up, probably because mobile phones were forbidden in the wards.

  Without needing to be told twice, I stood up and pushed my phone back into my handbag. “That was my mum, it’s my turn to go back in again and see Evie. You coming back up too?” I asked, picking up my sandwich and taking a couple of huge and highly unladylike bites.

  Harrison shook his head and sat back in his chair. “Nah, I’ll let family visit today. I’ll see them all when they get discharged.”

  I sighed. “Lucky you.” I frowned, wishing I lived closer. Harrison would probably see my niece ten times more than I would. Taking the last bite of my sandwich, I threw the wrapper into the bin next to where we were sat. “Nice to meet you. Thanks for the sandwich and coffee.”

  A charming smile stretched across his face as he stood. “Nice to meet you too. I guess we’ll have to take a rain check on that dancing and kebab.”

  By the time we were finally kicked out of the hospital by the grumpy-looking nurse, I was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. It was only half past nine, but I’d been up since five in the morning working at the café, so it had been a long day for me already.

  After calling Finn to make sure everything was set for the following day, I climbed into bed and settled back against the pillows. My eyes fluttered closed as I thought about little baby Evie. My hand unconsciously went to my stomach as I thought about a little new-born baby being mine. I chewed on my lip as the broodiness built up even more, as I imagined the baby having dark blonde, messy hair – just like Harrison’s. I shook my head to clear the fantasy before sighing dramatically. “Just stop thinking about him, Bronwyn. You’re being ridiculous right now,” I mumbled into the darkness.

  Even though my body was exhausted, my mind was still whirling, so I lay there awake for almost an hour. By the time I did finally drift off to sleep, I’d pretty much convinced myself that Finn and I needed to make another baby.

  Finn turned up a little after two in the afternoon, even though he’d promised me he’d come in the morning. Theo, of course, was welcomed with open arms and my mum was cooing over him with teary eyes as she’d hugged the life out of him. Finn, on the other hand, was greeted with a tight smile and a nod of the head. The atmosphere between them was so tense you could probably cut it with a knife. I’d tried time and time again to make peace between them over the years, but my mum would never actually like him. She just tolerated him for my benefit.

  During the afternoon visit to the hospital, it became apparent that Finn was in no mood to socialise. The whole time he’d stood in the corner, only speaking when spoken to
, and hadn’t even held Evie. He looked like he was bored. Knowing him, he was probably just planning his escape so he could go back home and hang out with his friends.

  Once vising hours were over, my mum took us all out for dinner and wasn’t satisfied until Theo had eaten practically his whole weight in ice cream. She was in her element with my son, that much was apparent by her grin and twinkling eyes. After dinner, we’d spent another hour at my mum’s place with us two gossiping while she sat on the floor and played with the brand new cars she’d bought for Theo. Finn hadn’t said much, just sat on his phone playing games – online poker, I’d guess.

  My goodbye with my mum had been a tearful one. I hated to leave, and was going to miss her terribly. Each time I saw her and then left again, it always seemed to get harder. We both made promises to make more effort, and to get up to visit the other more often. She invited the three of us to spend Christmas with her at the house. Finn hadn’t seemed to like that idea at all and had just shrugged and told her that we’d try.

  I knew it wouldn’t happen though because ‘try’ was a word he used often; it was an empty word, he’d just said it to placate her.

  By the time we got home, Theo was sound asleep. He didn’t even stir as Finn unbuckled his seatbelt and carefully plucked him out of the car. I smiled at the sight and walked ahead up the rusting metal stairs that led to our flat. Once I’d opened the door, I ushered Finn through and then ran to Theo’s bedroom, pulling back the bedcovers and watching as Finn set my baby in his bed.

  The broody inside me was still raging, threatening to boil over. Seeing Evie had made me broody, but remembering Theo that little, remembering his first smiles and the way he would giggle when I dried him after he’d had a bath, made my womb clench and my body long for it so much that it was almost painful.

  As Finn snuck out of Theo’s bedroom, I followed behind, my mind still full of thoughts of teeny baby clothes and soft toys. When Finn turned back to me, I smiled seductively, wondering how to broach the subject of another baby even though we could barely afford to live and he had no job at the moment.

  “I’m going to bed too, you coming?” he asked, nodding back towards our bedroom.

  I chewed on my lip at that offer, wondering if maybe accidental pregnancy would work better. I immediately scolded myself because I would never do anything like that on purpose. Theo was an accident and, although I loved him more than anything in the world, if I could choose the circumstances and timing of falling pregnant with him, it certainly wouldn’t be with the prick of a father I had chosen, nor at seventeen as the timing.

  “Sure,” I agreed. “Evie was beautiful, don’t you think? I forgot what it was like to hold a new-born baby.” I winced at how stupid I sounded. He shrugged in response and walked towards the bedroom at the back of our flat. I followed him in there, deciding to keep trying. “You remember Theo being that little?”

  He sighed dramatically. “I knew this would happen,” he mumbled.

  “Knew what would happen?” I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it onto the chair before pulling on the button of my jeans, tugging them off too.

  “You and babies,” he answered, as if that cleared everything up.

  I silently wondered if I’d been rumbled. He had probably guessed where I was going with my little prompts, and even sounded like he was expecting it to happen.

  “You want another baby, am I right?” he asked, pulling his clothes off and slipping into bed in his boxer shorts.

  I laughed quietly, blushing. “What on earth gave you that idea? I was merely asking if you remembered Theo being that little, and…” His expression told me that he wasn’t falling for it in the slightest, so I decided to give up. The knowing look he was shooting me was easy enough to see. I crawled up the bed in just my underwear, straddling his hips. “OK, yeah I was thinking about it. What do you think?” I asked, lowering my body down on top of his, trying to look seductive. If there was one thing I knew about Finn Reynolds it was that he never turned down sex.

  He sighed and cupped my bum in his hands, looking me right in the eyes. “I think that they’re expensive. I think that I’m out of work right now. I think that you and I are in no state to be thinking about anything like that at the moment.”

  I gulped and pouted, trying to get my own way. I knew it wouldn’t work though. Finn and I were married, but there were no real feelings there any more, maybe there never were. I couldn’t ever put my finger on a point where I could say I was totally in love with him so maybe I’d never been ‘in love’ with him, I didn’t know. We just kind of put up with each other and were barely even friends. Sex and paying the bills, that was all we shared really. We were just drifting through life as a couple because it was easier than starting over alone, not because either of us actually wanted to be in this destructive relationship.

  He licked his lips and pulled me closer to him. “I tell you what. In a year we’ll be in a better position and we’ll talk about it again then, how about that?”

  I sighed and nodded, trying not to feel disappointed. I was being irrational; my hormones were driving me forward because I’d been cuddling with Evie. We really couldn’t afford another mouth to feed. Finn was right, another year would be better.

  “OK,” I agreed.

  He smirked at me then, and his eyes slid down to my chest. Strangely, I was reminded of the way Harrison had looked at me in the same manner yesterday, but this look from Finn didn’t even get my senses stirring half as much as that cocky little grin on Harrison’s face.

  His tongue darted out, tracing his bottom lip as he pulled me closer to him. “How about we just practice for tonight?” Finn suggested. His fingers trailed up my back, hooking under the clasp of my bra, pulling gently. I nodded and bent my head to kiss him, ignoring the taste of stale cigarettes on his tongue and the disappointment that settled in my stomach. I closed my eyes and, although I felt terrible for doing it, I imagined Harrison’s hands on my body instead of Finn’s. I imagined Harrison kissing my neck and pulling at my knickers. Thinking about Harrison Baxter in that way made my body more excited than it had been in years.

  June 2012

  I tipped my head back and closed my eyes, letting the late June sunshine warm my face. The sounds of laughter and childish music surrounded me. The happy and light atmosphere was very pleasant compared to what I would usually be surrounded by on a Saturday afternoon – the café lunchtime rush and rude, demanding patrons.

  Unfortunately, not much had changed in the last six years. I still worked hard, too hard sometimes, but that couldn’t be helped. Finn had managed to land himself a job, even though he was currently hanging by a thread and on probation, so his wages took some of the pressure off me – well, when he wasn’t drinking or gambling it away it did anyway. Theo was now eleven and in his first year at secondary school. He was growing up way too fast for my liking. I still hadn’t convinced Finn that we needed to make a second baby, the timing just never seemed right – maybe it never would be. My life continued to feel like one long, never-ending, uphill struggle. I lived for days like this one where I could relax, breathe, and let my problems disappear. Coming home to Bath always made me feel like this and I hadn’t been able to contain my smile since we’d arrived the previous night.

  Today was Evie’s sixth birthday, so of course, Skye and Brandon were throwing her a party fit for a princess, complete with pink bouncy castle and a red-nosed clown that looked like something that had wandered straight out of my childhood nightmares.

  To ensure that I stayed as far away from the red-haired, big-footed thing, I’d nominated myself chief-restocker-of-the-buffet-table. It was keeping me busy because the twenty or so kids that Skye currently had running around their garden had descended on it like locusts as soon as the tin foil was removed from the plates.

  At the moment, over to one side of Skye’s large back garden, Brandon and his very reluctant helper, Theo, were running the musical bumps competition, and I couldn’t he
lp but chuckle at Theo’s disgruntled expression because he would probably rather be in Evie’s bedroom playing with the Nintendo 3DS that she got for her birthday from her parents.

  “I think we have more chocolate fingers in the kitchen; I’ll go get them,” Skye said, fussing and moving the empty plates around.

  “Skye, you have enough food here. Seriously, stop stressing,” I scolded, grinning and shaking my head. Skye wanted everything perfect for her little girl’s birthday. I could understand why, of course; she was her one and only child, they wouldn’t have another because they’d been through so much with the IVF treatment just to make my adorable niece. As a result, they spoilt Evie as much as they could and treasured every moment of her childhood.

  Skye sighed and chewed on her lip. “Yeah, you’re probably right, but I think I’ll go get them, just in case.” She nodded to herself and looked up, her expression changing to a smile as she looked over my shoulder. “Hello, Harrison, fashionably late huh?”

  The mere mention of his name made the muscles in my body tighten.

  “You know how I like to make an entrance,” he replied playfully.

  I was a little reluctant to turn around. Harrison Baxter did funny things to my insides, things I really shouldn’t allow myself to feel, but I had no control over them.

  “Whoa, what happened to you anyway?” Skye asked, frowning.

  Unable to resist any longer, I turned to see Harrison standing just behind me. The white t-shirt that he wore was rumpled and covered in dirt and what looked like grease, his blonde hair was messier than usual, and he had a black smudge on his right cheek just under his eye. Somehow, his dishevelled and dirty appearance made him look even more appealing. I really needed to get a hold of myself and quickly because my husband was here with me for a change today, so I couldn’t let this guy affect me like he usually did.

  He shrugged, looking down at himself. “Bloody tyre burst on the way here. I had to stop and change it,” he explained.

  “Don’t you have AA or RAC?” Skye asked, clicking her tongue in disapproval.