If I Can't Have You

by Dawn Jiles

  She turned everything off, then came and sat down next to me, with this somber-ass look on her face.

  “Why is this nigga saying he wants to see you and taste you again?” I asked.

  “Corey, I don’t know. I have not talked to him,” she said, on the verge of tears.

  “You still fucking that nigga, aren’t you? Why did you let that nigga have my pussy in the first place?” I said heatedly.

  “I said no, Corey. Damn. And did you forget you and I were broken up when Tremaine was in the picture!” she snapped.

  “Then why the fuck is this nigga still texting you, talking about he misses you and shit like that? What? You didn’t tell him that we were back together?” I asked.

  She got quiet as hell, so I got my answer. I was done playing games with her ass.

  “I’m done with your ass, Monique. You can have that nigga Tremaine, because I’m tired of playing games with you. It’s obvious you still feeling that nigga if you haven’t shut shit down with his weak ass. I’m going to leave now, before I murder his ass and fuck you up,” I said. I turned and headed to our room. I would never put my hands on Mo. I was just talking shit because I was mad, but that nigga Tremaine? I might just kill his ass because he fucked my girl, and I didn’t want his ass to live to talk about it. Mo ran behind me, and I could hear her crying.

  “Where you going, Corey? I’m sorry. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I love you, not him. I want to be with you, not him. Don’t go, baby, please,” she cried. When we got to the bedroom, she sat on the bed and looked at me with pleading eyes.

  “Tell that nigga right now what it is,” I said as I handed her the phone.

  “What you want me to do?” she asked, acting dumb.

  “Tell that nigga that y’all are done,” I said.

  She immediately opened her phone, then sent him a text message, letting him know that she didn’t want to see him anymore and that she was done. Satisfied with what she had done, I packed a small bag, because I needed to teach her spoiled ass a lesson.

  “I thought you were not leaving, Corey,” she cried. I hated to see her cry, so I almost changed my mind, but I had a point to prove to her ass.

  I didn’t respond to her; I just grabbed my keys and headed out the door. She immediately began to blow up my phone, but I didn’t answer. I checked into the hotel that was not far from our house for two nights. I missed my baby already, and I hadn’t even been gone two hours, so I knew this was going to be hard to do.

  She texted me the next day, letting me know she had got a new number and begging me to come home. I went home two days later, and she said that she loved me and that I had better not leave her like that again. She said she wanted only me. I bet that her ass had learned a lesson.

  Kevin

  It’d been a month since Sam was rushed to the hospital after being shot. She’d been healing well, but then she ended up slipping into a coma. Zoe had tried to act like she wasn’t upset when we all went to the hospital the night Sam got shot, but I knew she felt some type of way. As a matter of fact, Zoe had changed a lot since we got back together. We argued all the time, and she picked arguments with me for no reason. She was also very distant, and right about now I was tired of these women. I would rather be single than deal with this shit. It was like she picked an argument with me, left, and didn’t come back for hours. And when I asked her where she had been, she would always say she had just drived around. I didn’t believe that shit at all. I was starting to think she didn’t want to be with me anymore. Why else would she be acting like this?

  Anyway, I planned to get to the bottom of this, because I was sick of dealing with the drama with these women. I just hoped she was not on the same shit Sam was on, because I didn’t know if my heart could take any more heartbreak. Women were always screaming that they wanted a good man who was faithful, but when they got one, they didn’t know how to act. When Corey, David, and I met for lunch at a local pizza joint, I decided to tell my guys what had been going on with Zoe and me.

  “Maybe she is still upset with you because of the things that went down with Sam,” Corey said through a mouthful of food.

  “Yeah, you know women can hold a grudge forever,” David said before sipping on his soda.

  “Why would she take me back and say she believed me if she really didn’t?” I asked.

  “I have learned that you will never understand these crazy-ass women,” David said.

  “Maybe she has someone else, or maybe she’s not happy,” I said.

  “I don’t get that vibe from her, but maybe it’s true. Why don’t you just ask her what’s wrong? That’s the best approach,” Corey said.

  He was right. I should just talk to the woman whom I said I loved about our problems. It was just that every conversation turned into an argument. My mind had been on Sam a lot lately. I remembered all the good times we once had together. We used to do everything together. Then, all of a sudden, that changed. I couldn’t lie. I missed the good times, but she had done more damage than good, and for that reason, I could never see myself being with her again. I wished that things hadn’t changed so drastically between us, because I actual had had plans for us, but that was old news.

  I thought Zoe was my future, but it was not looking so good for us right now. I had really thought this girl was different, but I was starting to think otherwise. When we first started dating, she was so sweet and nice. She was very caring, and she went out of her way to make sure I was happy. We had been together for less than a year, and already she didn’t do all the things she used to do. She did not put any effort into our relationship whatsoever.

  I was starting to think something was wrong with me. Maybe I was the problem, and not these women I had been dealing with. Maybe I was missing something. All I knew was I had to get to the bottom of things, because a nigga was just trying to be happy, without all the extra drama. If I found out that Zoe was cheating, I was done being faithful to these hoes. I was going to fuck them and leave them. I refused to keep putting my heart into them when their asses didn’t appreciate shit.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Zoe

  Things between Kevin and me were definitely not at their best, and that was because I was hiding something from him. About a week after Kevin and I got back together, I ran into my ex-boyfriend Dontae. Dontae and I had been together for two years before he went off to college and left me here. We hadn’t ended on bad terms. He hadn’t cheated on me or anything like that. We’d just thought it would be best that we separated instead of doing the long-distance thing. I really had been in love with Dontae, and I really had seen myself being with him long term.

  When I met Kevin, I had really thought I was over Dontae, but seeing him had brought back these old feelings. I loved Kevin too, so I was so torn that I really didn’t know what to do. Dontae didn’t know about Kevin, and of course, Kevin didn’t know about him. Dontae was back home for good. We had been texting every day and talking every chance we got. I had not told any of my friends about what I was going through right now, because honestly, I didn’t feel like being judged.

  I was on my way to this diner downtown to meet up with Dontae. He had said he had something he wanted to tell me. I couldn’t say I was not happy about seeing him, because that would be a lie, but I was nervous about what he had to tell me. I pulled up to the diner, then parked my car. I walked inside, and there he was, sitting in the corner, looking as sexy as he could possibly be. Dontae was a mix of Puerto Rican and black, and he had a curly ’fro. He had gray eyes and some big pink lips. He was about five feet nine inches tall and had a toned, muscular build. He was so fucking irresistible that it was hard for me to keep my hands to myself. I sat down in front of him and gave him a big smile.

  “I’m so happy you came to see me,” he said, smiling at me.

  “I’m happy to be here,” I said, smiling back.

  “Well, I asked you here for a reason. You know I love you, Zoe. I have never loved another woman
like I love you. You know, all the time we spent apart has not changed anything for me,” he said.

  I didn’t know what to say. I thought about Kevin and how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. I knew Kevin loved me, and I was starting to feel bad about even being here with Dontae. And hearing him say he loved me put me more on edge. I loved Kevin, and he treated me like a queen, but I also loved this man sitting in front of me. Is it possible to be in love with two men? I thought.

  “That’s so sweet, Dontae,” I said.

  “Well, Zoe, I want us to be back together. I love you so much, and I can’t see myself being with anyone else. It was a big mistake to leave you in the first place. You are all I thought about when I was in Minnesota, and if you have another nigga in your life, drop his ass, because you spend all your time texting and talking to me, so obviously that nigga is already history,” he said.

  That statement was true as hell. When I was with Kevin, I found myself thinking about Dontae, and me being here showed me what I really thought about my relationship with Kevin.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I told him, blushing.

  “Say you want to be with me as well. I know you love me, Zoe. I can see it all over your face. We could get a place together when your lease is up, and who knows? Maybe start a family,” he said. This man was speaking to my soul, and it was like he was saying everything I wanted to hear. At this point, Kevin was not even a thought, so I said the first thing that came to my mind.

  “I love you too, Dontae, and I want nothing more than to be with you,” I said as I reached over the table and kissed him on the lips. We sat at the table, ate, and talked for hours about our life goals and plans for each other.

  When I left the restaurant and headed home, that was the first time I thought about Kevin in hours. I started to feel so bad about what I had done. I had just committed to being with another man, and I was still in a relationship with someone I claimed I loved. I had never been the type to cheat.

  What the hell am I going to do? I wondered.

  Monique

  When Corey walked out our door, I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I knew right then and there that Corey was the only man I wanted. I knew for a fact that if it was Tremaine, I would not feel the same way. I didn’t regret telling Tremaine it was over between us, but I did regret not telling him to his face. When I sent him that message, he immediately got to calling me. I didn’t answer the first few times he called, but I figured the least I could do was talk to him. He wanted to know why I wanted to end things with him, and I just told him I had too much going on right now and just wanted to be alone. I didn’t know why I lied. I guessed I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

  I decided to go to the hospital to check on Sam since I hadn’t been there since she first got shot, which was over a month ago now. When I walked in her room, Eric was there, holding a pillow. I was shocked as hell because, for starters, Eric was supposed to be dead.

  “Hey, Eric. What you doing here? I thought you was dead. You were all over the news and stuff,” I said. I must have scared the shit out of him, because he almost jumped out of his skin when he heard my voice.

  “Oh, I, um, the cops were just telling everyone that so that the person who tried to kill me would think so. I am just here visiting her. I know we didn’t end on the best of terms, but I don’t want to see her like this,” he said as he fluffed the pillow in his hands and then placed it behind Sam’s head. He stood there and stared at her for a while.

  I took a seat in one of the chairs.

  “I’ll see you around, Monique,” Eric said suddenly, then rushed out of Sam’s room. Shit around here was getting crazier by the minute. We had gone to this boy’s funeral. His mom and other family members had been extremely emotional, and it had looked real.

  “Sam, I know we are not on the best of terms, but I wish you would wake up,” I told her.

  I sat with Sam for a few hours, and then I stopped by Bria’s to pick her up. We decided to go for a walk by the lake just to chat and catch up. We drove to the lake, got out of the car, and walked along the path that circle the water. We were in deep conversation when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Zoe walking down the street—and she wasn’t with Kevin.

  “Is that Zoe over there, across the street?” I asked Bria. She looked in the direction I was pointing and brought her hand to her mouth.

  “Girl, yes. That’s her. Who is that dude she is with?” Bria said. Then she hurriedly left the path and headed toward the street.

  “What are you doing?” I asked when I caught up with her.

  “I’m about to find out who that is,” she said, with a serious look on her face.

  I didn’t object, because, hell, I wanted to know too.

  “Hey, Zoe girl,” Bria said as we crossed the street.

  Zoe looked like she saw a ghost when she saw us walking up to her. “Give us a minute,” she told the guy. He was sexy as hell too. Zoe met us on the sidewalk.

  “Who is that?” Bria asked, getting straight to the point.

  “Um, he’s a friend,” Zoe lied. I could tell her ass was lying, and apparently, so could Bria.

  “Girl, who the hell you think you are fooling? We are your friends. You can be honest with us,” Bria said.

  Zoe looked hesitant at first, but then she began to spill the beans. “Dontae is my ex-boyfriend. I recently reconnected with him. We are actually back together,” she said.

  “What about Kevin? Y’all broke up?” I asked.

  Zoe looked very uneasy at this point. “We are still together,” she said, looking away from us.

  “What!” Bria and I both shouted at the same time.

  “You are playing with fire right about now,” Bria said.

  “I know, but I love them both, and I don’t know who to choose. Look, I got to go. I will call you two later,” Zoe said, then hurried off.

  “When Kevin finds out, it’s going to be some drama, and he is going to be hurt,” I said. “And it looks like she already chose who she wants to be with,” I added.

  Bria didn’t say anything; she just shook her head. We ended our walk early, then headed home.

  When I walked inside my house after I dropped Bria off, Corey, Kevin, and David were playing the game. I instantly felt bad for Kevin. I walked past them, and Corey smacked me on my ass. Corey had been holding out on me since the day Tremaine had sent those text messages. When he smacked me on the ass, that shit turned me on. Whether he liked it or not, he was giving me some of that dick tonight, even if I had to take it.

  Bria

  I decided to take my baby for a walk in the park. I was tired of sitting in the house. I was strolling through the park, minding my own business, when I noticed three girls pointing at me and laughing. I decided to keep walking and ignore those bitches, because I had my baby and I was outnumbered. I didn’t have any enemies, so I didn’t know what their problem could be. They got up and started walking behind me, and they were talking plenty of shit indirectly. If I didn’t have my child, I would have fought all those bitches, but God was on their side today. One of the chicks looked real familiar, but I could not place her face.

  “Yeah, that nigga left me, talking about he wants to work things out with his baby mama. I know I look way better than that bitch,” one of the girls said.

  Now things were starting to make sense. That was the bitch that David was fucking around with. I stopped dead in my tracks, because I was about to give that bitch what she wanted. I had never been a punk about mine, and I wasn’t going to start now.

  “Um, excuse us,” that ugly-ass bitch said. The only thing that bitch had that I didn’t have was a big ass, but I looked way better than that ho, and my body did too.

  “You got something you want to tell me?” I got straight to the point.

  “As a matter of fact, I do. For starters, I don’t appreciate you coming to my house a while back and dropping off David’s shit. How did you kno
w where I live, anyway?” she said, making this ugly face.

  “Well, I decided to let you borrow him since his ass was misbehaving, and he needed to see what he was walking out on,” I smirked.

  “Borrowed honey? If I really wanted David, I could have him. I figured I’d send him back to you for a while. I don’t appreciate you coming to my house, and I honestly don’t see what he sees in you any fucking way. You don’t have shit on me,” she said.

  “Bitch, please. I’m class, and your ass is trash. And I was never in danger of him leaving me for your ratchet ass. You are not wifey material. You probably just a good fuck, if that,” I said. “What? You mad because he decided to be with his family? Bitch, he will always choose me and his son. You are not even an option. What’s crazy is you over here trying to treat me like I’m the side bitch. I’ll always be number one, and your ass will always just be fucking somebody else’s nigga. I got better things to do than sit around and go back and forth with you.” I turned around, then headed toward my car.

  “Bitch, he will be back. You just wait and see. I know how to treat a man,” she said.

  I stopped in my tracks and faced her. “I am not worried or pressed about shit you are saying right now, because I know it will never be you and him. Let me get home to my man and fuck the shit out of him. You hoes have a nice day.” I turned back around and walked in the direction of my car. When I reached it, I placed the baby in the car seat, loaded the stroller, and got behind the wheel. Then I drove off.

  That ho had really pissed me off, but I would never give her the satisfaction of knowing that. Why the hell did David even mess with a ho as ratchet as she was? If I saw that bitch again, and I didn’t have my baby with me, it was on. I had never had drama with a female over my man. This was the first time, and it for damn sure better be the last. I felt like going home and giving him a piece of my mind, but I didn’t want to bring the past into our future. However, I was going to let him know that I had run into her ass today.