The Hitwoman in a Pickle (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 18)

by Lynn, JB

  Remembering she’d been going to visit my mother, I asked cautiously, “Mary?”

  Her face crumpled and she sank into the nearest chair.

  Anxiety made my stomach clench and I put down my cup. “What happened?”

  Susan just shook her head. “What do you care? It’s not like you ever go to visit her.”

  I winced but couldn’t argue with the truth behind her words. Visiting my mother in the mental hospital where she resides is not my favorite activity. Everyone else visits her with regularity, but I only venture there sporadically. And if I was completely honest with myself, I usually went to see her when I needed something from her; information, or an excuse to be on the grounds.

  I leaned against the counter and waited to see if my aunt wanted to elaborate on whatever my mother’s newest issue was.

  “She’d been doing so much better and then that whole thing with Archie happened,” Susan complained bitterly.

  I stayed silent. I agreed with her that my father taking my mother out of the facility had set back the progress she’d been making.

  “And now she won’t stop talking about him,” Susan continued. “About how she keeps seeing him on the grounds, but he won’t talk to her.”

  I frowned. The last time I’d seen Archie Lee, he’d been floating around the Washington, D.C. area, killing time in the Witness Protection Program, not roaming the woods of New Jersey. “Did you talk to Griswald about this?” I asked carefully.

  “Lawrence has enough problems. He doesn’t need to be burdened with mine.”

  Considering that Larry Griswald is a U.S. Marshal, I’m pretty sure that my father’s location is technically one of his problems, but I decided it would be best to not point that out to Susan while she was in this heightened state.

  Plus, there was a chance that the man my mother kept seeing wasn’t actually my father, but his identical twin brother, Thurston. The man who’d raised Ian and was the reason I’d had such a late night conversing with gorillas.

  Of course, considering that my mom has a history of being delusional, it was also possible that there was no man at all.

  I decided to ask Thurston about it to see if I could at least solve that part of the mystery. Of course, if he was lurking around my mother, it opened a whole new set of questions.

  “I just don’t know what to do about her.”

  Susan sounded so exhausted that I peered more closely at her. Worry lines creased her forehead and the usual sparkle was gone from her eyes.

  I instantly felt guilty for not noticing the strain she was under earlier. Susan might drive me crazy, but she usually means well and I love her.

  “Why don’t you go away for a couple of days?” I blurted out impulsively.

  She shook her head. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?” I crossed the room to lay a hand on her shoulder. “You deserve a break.”

  “But—” she began to protest.

  “This unemployed hobo can hold the fort down for a few days. Besides, I’m sure Griswald would enjoy having you to himself for a while.”

  She nodded slowly. “He has mentioned that.”

  I squeezed her shoulder. “Now is a good time. Mom’s being taken care of. Katie’s thriving with Darlene. Loretta’s busy with the shop and Templeton. Leslie is stable. And my unemployed hobo-ness means I’m free to hold down the fort. Go now before all hell breaks loose.”

  Susan chuckled. “Well, when you put it like that.”

  Bending over, I gave her a tight hug. “You’ve had too much on your shoulders for too long. Let Griswald take you away.”

  “Griswald is taking her away?” a voice asked from behind me.

  Releasing Susan, I straightened and turned. “Isn’t that romantic, Aunt Loretta? He’s going to whisk her away from all of her day-to-day problems.”

  Aunt Loretta batted her fake eyelashes and flashed a wide smile. “It’s marvelous.”

  I swallowed my own self-satisfied grin, content in the knowledge that by appealing to her love of romance, I’d circumvented any argument she might have voiced. “Maybe you can help her pack.”

  “You should get something sexy for the trip,” Loretta cooed, pulling her sister to her feet. “I know just the thing. I’ve got it in stock at the shop.”

  “I really don’t need anything,” Susan argued.

  “Of course you do. Even if you don’t want it for yourself, your honey will appreciate the effort you put in. Men always do.”

  Susan shot me a “save me” look.

  I just shrugged helplessly. There’s no stopping Loretta when she decides someone needs new lingerie. Aunt Susan was on her own when it came to trying to shoot down her sister’s vision.

  Picking up my coffee cup, I raised a toast to Susan before silently sidling out of the room. I needed to get out of there before Loretta decided to outfit me for my date with Angel.

  But before I could go on my date, I had to talk to Uncle Thurston, check out the ice cream shop, and figure out how someone who smells like dill, vinegar or garlic figured into the crazy picture that is my life.

  I went down to the basement and surveyed the menagerie. Every single one of them was napping after our late night adventure.

  Wrapping my hand around her snout so that she didn’t disturb anyone else, I gently shook DeeDee awake.

  “Let’s go for a walk,” I whispered once her eyes were open. “But quietly.”

  She blinked her understanding.

  Together we went into the backyard.

  “Good girl.” I hooked the leash onto her collar and we were off.

  She quickly pulled me down the street in search of the perfect place to pee.

  “Easy,” I protested.

  “Gotta. Gotta,” she argued before finding a place to stop and empty her bladder.

  While she was doing that, a car with tinted windows pulled up beside us and stopped.

  As the window rolled down, but before I could identify the driver, he said, “Hi, Mags.”

  “Patrick!” The Doberman leapt up, leaning her paws on the door so that she could see in the window.

  “Hi, DeeDee.”

  “Patrick. Patrick,” she panted excitedly.

  “Let her in the backseat,” the redhead suggested.

  Opening the door, I let her clamber into the rear of the car before I settled into the passenger seat. I tried to keep my expression neutral as I took in the bruise that covered half of the cop/hitman’s face. “Feeling better?”

  He chuckled. “Worse, actually.” He reached back and rubbed the dog’s head. “But not as badly as I would have if you hadn’t come to my rescue.”

  To reward us both for our heroic good deed in the park, he gave us each a donut.

  DeeDee devoured hers in a single gulp.

  “Thanks,” I murmured, wishing I had some coffee to dunk the cruller in.

  As though he could read my mind, he handed me a steaming cup.

  For a moment, I remembered why I’d once been madly in love with him. He might not be perfect, but the man had always gotten me. “So what made you find me bearing gifts?”

  “Kevin Beader.”

  “Delveccio doesn’t think I can handle it?” I dunked my donut and took a bite.

  “Actually, he thinks you can, but if you do, you’re going to need a cop for the arrest.”

  I searched his green eyes for a long moment before asking, “You don’t think that I can do this?”

  He shrugged. “You won’t be the first to have tried. The guy is as slimy and slippery as they come.”

  “Maybe I’ll surprise you and be the first to succeed,” I replied.

  Pitching his voice lower, he murmured, “You surprise me all the time, Mags.”

  I took a gulp of coffee to disguise the effect his intimate tone had on me. “So, do you have any pointers?”

  He shook his head. “You’re a unique problem-solver. I’m just here to offer support.” He handed me a cell phone. “Keep this with you. Text
or call anytime you need help.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “Be careful, Mags. This guy may not be as dangerous as others you’ve taken on, but don’t drop your guard. There’s no telling how a trapped animal will respond to a threat.”

  I ate some more of the donut. “Can I call you the next time I need one of these?”

  Patrick chuckled. “Maybe. It depends how badly you need one.”

  I smiled sheepishly. “Considering how crazy my life can get, you may end up on my speed dial.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  That afternoon, I took Katie to Two Scoops for ice cream.

  Hand-n-hand we had to scoot around a teenage boy, wearing a pink apron and a name tag that said “Pickler”, who was sweeping the area in front of the entrance.

  Once we were inside, I realized that the shop hadn’t changed much over the years. One side of the retail space consisted of a long glass case displaying the flavors of ice cream. Pastel painted tables and chairs lined the other side of the room.

  “Can I get strawberry ice cream with strawberries?” Katie asked as we approached the order counter.

  I grinned down at her. “You bet, baby girl.”

  “With whipped cream?”

  I nodded.

  “And sprinkles?”

  “Now you’re pushing your luck, young lady.”

  Katie giggled.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You sound just like Aunt Susan.”

  I blinked at her. “What?”

  “You sound just like Aunt Susan when you say, young lady.”

  Unsure of how to respond to that, I stuck my tongue out at her, knowing full well that was something Susan would never do. There had been a time that I’d chafed at any comparison to my fussy aunt, but as I’d come to appreciate the sacrifices she’d made for our family, I’d decided there were worse people to be linked to.

  “Can I help you ladies?” the teenage girl behind the ice cream counter, wearing a pink apron embroidered with the name “Paula”, asked cheerily.

  “I want strawberry ice cream,” Katie announced. “With whipped cream and strawberries on top.”

  “One kid’s sundae coming up.” The teenager looked to me. “And you, ma’am?”

  I winced a little, finding it worse to be called “ma’am” than to be compared to Susan. “Nothing for me.”

  Katie tugged at my wrist. “Can we sit there?” She pointed at a pink and yellow table at the rear of the store.

  “You bet. Why don’t you go save our seats,” I suggested as a large boisterous group of tweens entered the store.

  She hurried off. I watched her go, amazed at how her limp, a result of the car accident that had left her in a coma, was almost unnoticeable.

  “Sprinkles?” the teenager asked, demanding my attention.

  “Extra sprinkles,” I told her with a smile.

  “And an extra spoon in case she can’t finish this?”

  “Please.”

  As I finished paying for the ice cream, I turned toward the table where Katie sat.

  My heartbeat stuttered as I realized she was no longer alone. A man, wearing a pink, ice cream-splattered apron, leaned over her. He kept nodding as Katie regaled him with an animated story.

  Fighting the urge to rush over and castrate the guy, I grabbed the sundae and muttered to the teenager, “Keep the change.”

  I barely registered her surprised, “Thanks” as I marched toward Katie.

  Sensing my approach, the man straightened and offered me a polite smile. “Hello. Your niece was just telling me that you’re the best aunt in the whole world.”

  Sliding the treat in front of Katie, I forced myself to keep my tone light. “It’s amazing what some sugar-based bribery can do for a relationship.”

  “Yum!” Katie cried, shoveling the first mouthful in.

  The man chuckled. “If adults didn’t have a regular need to bribe kids, I’d be out of business.”

  I forced myself to grin, despite the fact that he’d just confirmed that he was my quarry. “You own this place?”

  “Kevin Beader.” He extended his hand.

  I shook it, trying not to shudder as I did so. “I used to come to this place when I was about her age. I remember your mom.”

  Something odd flickered in Beader’s gaze but he replied smoothly, “She made this the place to come to in town.”

  I nodded. “I guess it’s a family legacy, of sorts.”

  “Of sorts,” he agreed. Seeing that the teenager behind the counter was a little overwhelmed with the crowd of tweens’ orders, he said, “If you’ll excuse me…” He hurried away.

  I slid into a seat opposite Katie, who was shoveling in ice cream like it was the coal needed to keep an engine running. “Good?”

  “Delicious.” She pushed it toward me. “Want some?”

  I shook my head as I watched Beader smile a little too nicely at the kids waiting for ice cream. Bile rose in my throat and my stomach churned. I balled my hands into fists.

  “It’s really good,” Katie tempted.

  I forced myself to smile at her. “No, thanks. My stomach is bothering me.”

  Katie frowned and looked worried. “Are you sick, too?”

  Something in her tone made me look at her closely. “Who else is sick?”

  “Aunt Susan.” The name came out a bit garbled because she slurped up more ice cream as she spoke.

  I flashed back to how tired my aunt had looked. So tired that I’d suggested that getting away for a couple of days would do her good. Forgetting all about Beader, I thought about how quickly Susan, a woman who basically lived to be an obstinate know-it-all, had agreed to my suggestion.

  “Why do you think Aunt Susan’s sick?” I asked carefully.

  “’Cause she went to the doctor,” Katie replied, licking a sprinkle off the tip of her spoon.

  I frowned. There was a chance my niece had misunderstood and that Susan hadn’t been to a doctor. Or there was a chance that Susan had met with one of my mother’s doctors. Or, I had to grudgingly admit, Susan could be sick.

  The idea terrified me. Susan was the strongest person I knew. And as much as she could be a pain in the butt, there was no one I’d depended on more than her.

  “Doc’s going to teach me to ride a bike,” Katie said, abruptly changing the subject.

  I nodded absentmindedly. Doc, my sister Marlene’s boyfriend, was always offering to teach all of us different skills. “That’s nice of him.”

  “But Aunt Darlene says I have to ask you for permission.”

  I silently thanked Darlene for making an effort to keep my role in Katie’s life important. “Let me talk to Angel about it. If he thinks you’re ready, I’ll tell Doc it’s okay.”

  “He will,” Katie said, puffing out her chest with self-importance. “He said I’m the strongest little girl he’s ever known.” She flexed her bicep for emphasis, a move that ended up with her accidentally smearing ice cream across her cheek.

  I chuckled, picking up a napkin to clean her off. “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah.” She leaned closer to me as I swiped at the misplaced ice cream and stage-whispered, “But he thinks you’re the prettiest girl.”

  “Who knew you were such a romantic,” I teased. “I don’t think he told you that.”

  She shook her head. “I heard him tell Aunt Loretta.”

  I leaned back. Now that I believed. Knowing Loretta, she’d probably trapped the poor guy into saying something nice about me.

  Not that I doubted his attraction to me. The way he kissed had scorched his genuine interest in me into my brain. Thinking about the heat of his kisses made me blush.

  Suddenly, a pink helium balloon floated in front of my face, jolting me out of my racy thoughts.

  “A balloon for the princess.”

  I scowled at Beader as he handed the balloon to a delighted Katie. Since his focus was entirely on her, he didn’t notice my reaction. For a brief moment, I wondere
d if balloon ribbon would make an effective garrote.

  Chapter Fourteen

  After I dropped Katie back at Darlene’s house, I headed over to the hospital to talk to Uncle Thurston.

  Thankfully, he was alone when I arrived. Sitting up in bed, he was scowling at the newspaper he held.

  I knocked tentatively on the door. His scowl evaporated and turned into a grin that reminded me so much of my dad on his good days that my heart squeezed a little.

  “Come in, Maggie.” He waved me forward, laying the paper down on his lap.

  “How are you feeling?” I stepped inside.

  “Fit as a fiddle. Hoping to get out of here in a couple of hours.”

  “That’s great.”

  “Ian tells me that you were a great help in finding me.”

  I shrugged. “Really, I was just following the…hunch of a friend.”

  Thurston cocked his head to the side and gave me a long assessing look. “Ian feels a kinship with you.”

  “Probably because we’re kin,” I replied dryly.

  He chuckled, holding his big belly as it bounced. “Artie always said you were the one with the smart mouth.”

  I frowned at the mention of my dad and changed the subject. “Do you remember what happened?”

  His smile disappeared and a guarded expression took its place. “Nope.”

  “Zoo’s a strange place to be at night.”

  “You sound like the cops who questioned me,” he shot back.

  I shrugged. “Just stating the obvious.”

  He picked up the newspaper and began to smooth its wrinkles. “And why should you care why I was there?”

  “Ian was worried.”

  He tapped the paper. “He was worried that it was his fault because he talked to that reporter.”

  “Was it?” I asked, feeling a twinge of guilt since I’d been the one to set up the meeting between Ian and the reporter, Jack Stern.

  “No.”

  I squinted at him. “You sound awfully sure about that.”

  “I am.”

  “But someone tried to kill you.”

  He sighed. “Let’s just say I have more than one enemy.”

  “More than one enemy who wants you dead?” I asked, alarmed. Even my dad, a lifelong criminal, didn’t have that many enemies.