The Hitwoman in a Pickle (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 18)

by Lynn, JB

  “Crushing me,” God gasped.

  The killer’s breath fogged my window.

  “Maggie!” DeeDee barked excitedly.

  I righted myself as I realized that it was the Doberman leaning against the window. I lowered the glass. “How did you get ahead of us?” I asked, confused.

  “Chase,” she yipped proudly.

  “Chased what?”

  “Mom.”

  “And she almost caught her,” Piss wheezed. “Crazy mutt ran in a big loop, but she was onto something.”

  Looking down at the ground, I saw the cat sprawled out on the pavement, chest heaving. “But now they’re gone. They got away.”

  “Don’t sound so blue, sugar,” she wheezed. “It’s just a temporary setback.”

  I nodded, bolstered by the cat’s confidence. My mother wasn’t necessarily lost forever. “I’ll tell Griswald who has her. He should be able to help.”

  I got out of the vehicle as Ian jogged up. I marched toward meeting him halfway as he bent over, hands on his knees, gasping. He was out of breath, so his words came out choppily as he tried to suck in much-needed oxygen. “I think I saw your mother.”

  I raised my eyebrows, but bit my tongue, deciding that pointing out that she’s his mother, too, wasn’t going to help the situation.

  “Uncle Thurston is giving chase,” he panted.

  “The second car,” God guessed aloud.

  “Can you give me a ride?” Ian asked.

  “Where to?”

  “Ummm…”

  I frowned at him. “Ummm?”

  “Uncle Thurston isn’t the best with cellphones. I mean, he has one. I insisted, but, well, it’s a flip phone.” He made the admission as though he was deeply ashamed of Thurston’s choice.

  “But he can still call you, right?” I turned around and started marching back in the direction of my car. The menagerie followed, including the human. “Or you can call him?”

  “I can call. But he doesn’t have GPS, so if he doesn’t know where he is, if he’s just blindly following…” He trailed off.

  “We can’t find him?” I asked incredulously.

  “Well, if he can read street signs, we can find a cross street.”

  Something in his tone didn’t reassure me. “If he can read a street sign.”

  Ian sighed. “He needs new glasses. I mean, technically he probably shouldn’t be driving.”

  “And all hopes lie with him,” God intoned dramatically from my shoulder.

  “Doesn’t sound so good, sugar,” Piss chimed in, for once not disagreeing with the lizard.

  “It’s not all gloom and doom,” Ian hurried to add.

  “Oh please,” I drawled sarcastically, “do share some good news.”

  “Uncle Thurston is an excellent driver.”

  “You just said he’s half blind,” I reminded him.

  “But he won’t accidentally run them off the road. That’s something.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed dryly. “That’s something.”

  We all piled into the car, but not before DeeDee and Ian jockeyed for who would ride shotgun.

  Once Ian had asserted his dominance and laid claim to the front passenger seat, he took out his phone and dialed.

  We all sat there, waiting for Thurston to answer, holding our collective breath. Well, all of us except DeeDee. Leaning against the back of my seat, she panted in my ear annoyingly.

  We waited and waited but Thurston never answered.

  Finally, Ian lowered the phone. “He might have his phone turned off.”

  I squeezed the steering wheel, trying to remain calm. “So we have no way of finding out where she’s been taken.”

  “Not at the moment,” Ian admitted grudgingly.

  “Maybe Griswald can help,” Piss suggested helpfully.

  “Maybe you should ask Delveccio,” God said. “He’d probably be quicker and more efficient.”

  “I don’t think we should involve anyone else,” Ian interjected. “Except Archie. We should definitely talk to Archie since it’s him that Malleti wants.”

  “I don’t have a way to get in touch with him. I mean, I guess I could ask the marshal to put in a phone call.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” Ian said quickly.

  I gave him a sidelong glance. “Do you have a way to get in touch with him?”

  “Yes.”

  The answer hung in the silence of the car like an admission of guilt.

  “Of course you do,” I muttered finally.

  “You’re mad?”

  “Oh no,” God offered. “She’s furious.”

  “Fury. Fury. Fury,” Benny warned from my pocket.

  I drove Ian back to where his car was parked. I was pretty sure I heard Benny’s teeth chattering in the icy silence that filled the car.

  “I’m sorry about all this,” Ian said as he climbed out. “I’ll fix it.”

  “You’d better hope it can be fixed,” I said coldly, driving off before he even had a chance to close the door.

  Driving around with an open door isn’t the best of ideas and I wasn’t having the best of days.

  I’d driven less than a block when lights flashed behind me.

  I groaned. As a rule, weird, dangerous things tend to happen to me when I pull over. “Just be quiet,” I begged the animals. “Please. Just this once be quiet.”

  DeeDee jumped into the front passenger seat.

  I watched in the rearview mirror as the cop got out of his vehicle and approached mine. Due to the bright glare of headlights, I couldn’t make out more than a shadowy figure approaching.

  I took solace in the fact that there were no weapons in the car. At least that was one less headache I had to contend with.

  Rolling down my window, I cleared my throat nervously and pasted what I hoped looked like a polite smile on my face.

  DeeDee’s rate of panting became louder and faster.

  “Don’t you move,” I warned the dog. “And stay silent.”

  She panted louder in response.

  I envisioned her lunging at the officer and him pulling his gun. My heart skipped a beat.

  “Hey, Mags,” a familiar voice greeted.

  Squinting against the bright lights, I stared up at Patrick Mulligan. “Geez, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

  “Hi there, DeeDee.” He reached in to pat the dog’s snout since she was now standing on my lap.

  “Get off,” I growled. “You’re crushing me.”

  “Crushing. Crushing. Crushing,” Benny agreed.

  “I heard your mom’s missing,” Patrick said sympathetically.

  I considered telling him about Malleti but decided not to since that would have meant explaining about Ian and Thurston and I wasn’t sure I was ready to do that. Instead, I stayed mute.

  “If there’s anything I can do…” Patrick offered.

  “Thanks, not yet. But can I have a rain check?”

  “Of course. But that’s not actually why I stopped you. Delveccio wanted to know if you’ve made any progress on Beader.”

  “Not yet,” I admitted. “But I have a plan.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “What kind of plan?” God asked. “I don’t know anything about a plan.”

  Patrick bent down and peered at the lizard on the dashboard. “Wow, you’ve got the whole crew in here.”

  “Yeah. We were looking for my mom,” I admitted.

  “And the lizard helped?” Patrick mocked.

  “Not particularly.” I gave God a dirty look to underscore my point.

  He stuck his tongue out at me.

  “I’ll tell Delveccio you’re distracted with this thing with your mom,” Patrick said.

  “No. Don’t!” I said sharply.

  Patrick’s gaze narrowed suspiciously.

  “Why not?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “That’s your answer for everything.”

  “Because it’s accurate. Please.” I reached out of th
e car and grabbed his forearm. “Just tell him I’ve got a plan and I’ll update him in a couple of days.”

  He looked down at my hand on his arm before looking back at me. “What kind of trouble are you getting yourself into this time, Mags?”

  “No more than usual,” I said lightly, letting go of his arm.

  He raised his eyebrows. “Am I supposed to be reassured by that?”

  I shrugged. “You don’t happen to have an extra gun I could have, do you?”

  He shook his head.

  I tried to hide my disappointment. Considering everything that was going on, a gun would have been a handy security blanket to hang on to.

  “Wait here,” Patrick grumbled and turned to walk back to his car.

  “What plan?” God demanded as soon as he was out of earshot.

  “The one where you go into the ice cream shop and do some secret reconnaissance.”

  The lizard convulsed on the dashboard, overcome by a fit of shuddering.

  “Is he having a seizure?” Piss asked in her most bored tone.

  “I can’t go to that place,” God wailed. “It’s cold!”

  “You’re cold-blooded,” the cat reminded him archly.

  “Frostbite. Hypothermia. Death.” He shivered again for good measure.

  “I vote for death,” Piss purred.

  “Shh,” I warned. “He’s coming back.”

  “Patrick! Patrick!” the dog barked excitedly. Then she looked at me guiltily. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” I reached out and pet her chest. “You two have a special bond.”

  She grinned, showing me all of her teeth.

  “Here.” Patrick held out a shoebox to me. “Just don’t lose it.”

  Taking the box, I lifted the lid and peered inside at a black .38 and a half-used box of bullets. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t do anything stupid with it.”

  “I won’t,” I pledged.

  From his scowl, I guessed that we both knew that wasn’t a promise I could necessarily keep.

  “At least be careful,” he urged.

  “Always.”

  He shook his head and began walking away, calling over his shoulder, “And call me when you need help.”

  Taking the gun out of the box, I checked to see whether it was loaded.

  “Hollow points,” I muttered.

  “Excellent for big game hunting,” God opined.

  “In the frozen tundra,” Piss reminded us.

  “You can’t send me there,” God begged. “You just can’t.”

  “Piss and DeeDee are too big to do it,” I told him. “For that matter, so is Mike. It’s got to be you.”

  “I won’t do it,” he declared stubbornly. “I refuse. I’m putting my foot down.” He stomped his foot on the dashboard. Considering his foot is only a few centimeters long, it wasn’t nearly as effective as he imagined it would be.

  “I’ll do it,” Benny squeaked.

  Since he’d only said it once, I thought maybe I’d imagined the offer.

  “See?” God said excitedly. “The rodent will do it. He’s small enough. Smelly, but small.”

  “Did you mean it, Benny?” I asked softly.

  “I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.”

  “Brave soul,” Piss approved. “You’re a good guy, Benny.”

  “So we have a plan,” I said, putting the car into drive. “We sneak Benny inside, he does some snooping, and we figure out how to bust Beader.”

  Finally, something was going right. Or as right as something could go considering the plan hinged on a mouse who’s afraid of his own shadow.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  I snuck back into the B&B with no one being the wiser about my attempt to find my mom except Griswald. All the hubbub had died down with everyone having gone to bed except whoever was in the kitchen.

  I sincerely hoped it wasn’t Aunt Susan who was up, but I was desperate to find something to take for the headache pounding behind my eyes so I braved the kitchen.

  I let out a sigh of relief when I found that it was Templeton, Aunt Loretta’s fiancé, standing at the stove, heating a pot.

  “Warm milk?” he offered with a slight smile.

  “No thanks.” I rummaged in the cabinet, looking for the right bottle of pills. “Is that for Loretta?”

  “No. It’s for me. Your aunt is snoring like a lumberjack.”

  I chuckled and did my best impression of Loretta, complete with batting my eyelashes. “A girl needs her beauty sleep even in the midst of an emergency.”

  Templeton guffawed. “Especially during an emergency.” Then he grew serious. “I’m sorry about your mother.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Is there anything I can do?”

  I started to shake my head, but then remembered that Templeton played poker with some questionable people. “Anything you can tell me about Jimmy Malleti?”

  Templeton cocked his head to the side and gave me a strange look. He turned off the stove and poured the hot milk into a mug before he answered. “Last I heard, Malleti is in prison.”

  “I have it under good authority he’s out.”

  Templeton shook his head. “Too bad. A bad seed, that one. Never was wound too tight.”

  “Any idea of where he’d go to hole up?” I asked.

  “This has to do with your mom?”

  I shrugged.

  “Rumor has it he blamed Archie for his situation.”

  “I’ve heard that.” I stared at him as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Whatever you can tell me that might be helpful…”

  “I didn’t really run with his crowd.”

  “Well, if you hear anything…”

  He frowned at me. “Have you told Griswald about the connection?”

  “Not yet.”

  He nodded. “Might be a good idea not to.”

  “Why?”

  “You don’t know?”

  “Apparently not. Enlighten me.”

  He glanced around nervously and leaned toward me to whisper, “It was his brother Malleti attacked all those years ago. You know Brian? Right?”

  I nodded. I’d met the police detective, Griswald’s nephew, a few times.

  “His father,” Templeton elaborated.

  “Oh. That’s not good.”

  “No,” Templeton agreed. “Not good at all.”

  Before we could continue the conversation, my phone buzzed. Glancing at the display, I saw an unknown number. “Excuse me. I’ve got to take this.”

  I hurried out the kitchen door to the backyard so I could have my conversation in private. “Hello.”

  “He called,” Ian said without bothering to offer a greeting.

  A surge of hope stole my breath. “Does he know where she is?”

  “Yes.”

  “Where?”

  “You’re not going to believe it.”

  “Where?”

  “She’s at the mental hospital.”

  As if on cue, I heard the house phone ring inside the kitchen.

  “And she’s okay?”

  “She looked right as rain according to Thurston.” Ian sounded as confused as I felt.

  Templeton knocked on the kitchen door, holding out the phone to me. He grinned widely, letting me know it was good news.

  “I’ve got to go,” I told Ian.

  “Yeah, bye.”

  I walked back into the house to talk to the night nurse at my mother’s facility, who told me the patient had returned.

  I should have been pleased, but I couldn’t help thinking that this particular ordeal wasn’t over yet.

  After grabbing a couple of hours of sleep, I was rudely awakened by DeeDee’s desperate, “Gotta. Gotta. Gotta!”

  Not wanting to deal with any humans, I stumbled out the doors of the storm cellar and let her loose in the backyard.

  “Heads up, doll,” Mike cawed from above.

  Looking around, I spotted him in a nearby tree. “Morning.”

>   “Good morning,” a different voice replied from behind me.

  Whirling around, I found Aunt Susan standing just a few feet away.

  “You really should run a brush through your hair, Margaret.”

  “I was just letting the dog out.” Noticing that she held an overnight bag in one hand, I asked, “You’re going?”

  “You claimed to be able to hold down the fort.”

  I nodded.

  “You’ll go check on your mother?”

  “Yes.”

  “Today?” Susan challenged.

  “This morning,” I promised.

  She tilted her head to the side and looked me up and down. I tried not to fidget.

  “Maybe now isn’t the best time for me to leave.”

  “Oh stop it,” Griswald said, walking out and taking the overnight bag from her. “Maggie’s got it all under control. If there’s a problem, she’ll call. Right, Maggie?”

  “Of course. But only if it’s a major problem. You two deserve some time away.”

  “Some rest and relaxation is just what the doctor ordered,” Griswald agreed.

  I tensed, remembering what Katie had said about Susan being sick. I ran an appraising gaze over my aunt, noting the shadows under her eyes.

  “Take Leslie with you when you go to visit,” Susan urged.

  I frowned. Bringing Aunt Leslie along would no doubt add to the amount of time I’d have to spend visiting. Plus, it meant I wouldn’t be free to ask my mother the questions about her kidnapping that I wanted answered.

  “She needs to get out,” Susan countered. “She literally offered to spend the day with Loretta yesterday.” She shuddered as though that was a repulsive thought.

  “They are twins,” I reminded her.

  “A cruel twist of biology,” Susan muttered. “And while I’m gone, see what you can do about convincing Darlene to let the girls become Cupcakes.”

  “Okay.”

  She eyed me suspiciously, my agreement having come too easily.

  I wasn’t about to tell her that my sister had already admitted defeat regarding that particular battle.

  I waved goodbye to Susan and Griswald as they drove away.

  “It’s yoga time!” Aunt Leslie announced with way too much cheeriness considering how little sleep I’d had.

  I turned to face her. “Not today.”

  “If not now, when?”

  “Maybe tomorrow.”