by K. A Knight
Not bothering to speak, I simply walk towards him, offering him my hand. He stares at me for a second, obviously realising now there is a reason I’m comfortable out here. For a moment, I think he will bat my hand away; I see the inner battle in his eyes. Blood slowly makes its way down his head and there’s a small cut at his throat where the blade had obviously gotten close. He gently puts his hand in mine, his decision to trust me clear in his stormy eyes. I brace and pull him up; he uses his other arm to help. Still not saying anything, I walk around him to the body. I kick it to be sure and when it doesn’t move or make a noise, I use the toe of my boot to kick him so he rolls over face up. I ignore the emptiness in his eyes and the blood pooling around his head. Crouching down, I grab the handle of my knife where it’s embedded in the side of his neck. With a tug, I manage to slide it free. It does get caught on the way out, but the blood allows it to slide easily enough. I wipe the blood coated blade on the dead scavs shirt. It’s not like he will care. Standing back up, I face the guys. I don’t bother trying to read their expressions.
“We need to move the bodies, or it will start to smell. Then, we bed down for the night. Someone signal Thorn.” With that, I turn and grab the feet of the dead man closest to me.
I start to tug, grunting at the effort; the man is big, so he’s hardly budging. I look up in time to see Jax grab his head; he nods at me, and together, we lift him. We toss the two bodies out back. I don’t care about them out here. If the ferals don’t eat them, they will start to smell and rot but we will be long gone by then. I use the canteen I brought out to wash the blood and smell of death from my hands. I silently hand it over to Jax, who doesn’t bother to speak. Fine by me. I like quiet. He grabs it and copies my movements before passing it back. I spin, and head back inside to where Maxen and Drax are setting up our stuff in the opposite corner of the room from the blood. I hear the rumble of Thorn’s bike and turn as he swings his leg off. He whistles at the sight of the bodies.
“Trouble?” He asks us.
“Not anymore,” I make my way up the hill, letting the adrenaline still drive my body, and mount my bike. Riding it down to the house, I park it around the side. The others watch me, and then go to do the same. Smiling slightly, I head inside to get some rest. At least I don’t have to worry about the other two scavs heading back. They know they are outnumbered, and by the time they reach anyone for backup, we will be long gone.
◆◆◆
“Is this some sort of bandit safe house?” Thorn asks around a mouth full of canned beans. The laughter makes its way up my chest and bursts out of me into the quiet room. They all stop what they are doing and stare. I slowly let my chuckles die off, embarrassed by their shocked expressions.
“Bandits?” I can hear the smile in my voice. Thorn looks at me in confusion.
“Yes?” He draws the word out, obviously confused as to why I’m laughing.
Leaning back on my arms, done with eating, I stare at him. We are sitting on our makeshift beds for the night. Mine in between of Thorn and Maxen’s; the twins make up the rest of the semi-circle we are sitting in.
“What do you call them?” Drax asks with a smile on his face.
“Roadies and Scavs,” I say conversationally. The food and good fight have put me in a better mood. What can I say, I’m a little crazy.
“Why two names?” Jax has been throwing me looks ever since I helped him, so I don’t bother looking at him now.
“They are different types,” I shrug. It’s easy to forget they aren’t from around here until they start asking questions.
“What’s the difference?” Maxen’s voice is his usual grumble as he cleans his knife on a spare bit of cloth. My eyes keep drifting back to watch, it’s hypnotising. The moving of his muscles as he works on the blade, the concentration on his face. I blink, and drag my eyes away again.
“Scavs are scavengers. They don’t tend to roam in more than packs of five. They aren’t the best fighters. They tend to be dumb and big; plus, they have no leadership. It’s not uncommon to find scavs killing each other. They don’t always have rides either. They are the lowest on the totem pole with the exception of slaves.”
Maxen nods at my explanation and flicks his eyes up at me, before carrying on with cleaning his blades. Lust sparks through me as I watch him. Why is the sight turning me on?
“Roadies?” Thorn asks, the word sounding foreign on his tongue. It brings me out of my haze, and I keep my eyes averted from Maxen, just in case.
“They roam in bigger groups, usually ten or more. They are a little smarter but not by much. They always have a leader, and are usually the fighters or the bounty hunters,” I reply, hoping my confusion and desire doesn't show on my face.
“So, which are you?” Jax asks. I finally glance over at him and hold his gaze. I try to decipher the look in his eyes, but something in me tells me I don't want to.
“Neither.” My voice is emotionless, the thought of talking about me making me defensive “Anyway, how did you four meet?” They glance between each other.
“Well, obviously Jax and I are brothers. We were raised in a shitty area in the cities. We met Maxen when we were about ten, after he tried to beat me up, and then Thorn a year later. We didn't really have anyone else, so we became each other’s family and have been together ever since.” Drax’s voice is overly cheery, but I can see the pain in his eyes. What sort of upbringing forces four kids to band together for safety? For the first time, I realise we might not be as different as I thought. With that unsettling thought, I decide to end this little party.
“I’ll take first watch, then we swap every three.” Not waiting for a reply, I stand and make my way to the door. We left it open to let the smell out and it makes it easier to see. With the light now out in the house, it means I can see anyone approaching, but they can’t see me until they’re too close.
I hear them all bed down for the night, and soon their snores fill the house. It’s good that they can sleep, some people struggle. They will need to rest, tomorrow will be another long day.
I’m staring at the moon, when I hear rustling behind me. Knowing it’s one of the guys, I don’t say anything. I’m sitting sideways in the doorway, and he sits down next to me, squishing against me in the narrow space. I look out of the corner of my eye and see it’s one of the twins. He doesn’t say anything, and I know it’s not the time for his watch, so I just carry on looking, the silence comfortable. His eyes catch the moonlight and the silence makes me guess Jax. Drax feels like the sort of person who needs to fill the room with jokes or small talk. His personality is huge. Jax is the polar opposite, his eyes are always watching, calculating, and learning. He rarely speaks, and when he does, it’s for something important. He has a seriousness about him that his brother does not. I like both, it’s like the day and the night.
“You should laugh more, I like the sound of it.” His whisper doesn’t wake those behind us, so I turn to him a little bit. I ignore the warmth his words cause, it wouldn’t do to fall into that trap again.
“You should talk more, I like it,” I say honestly. He looks at me, the intelligence in his eyes astounding.
“I don’t have a lot to say, so I leave it to my brother.” Our whispers create a bubble around us. I nod and look back outside, the silence and darkness making me brave.
“I can be that way sometimes,” I reply honestly.
“I know.”
I sigh, knowing he sees too much; he’s too smart. They all are. It’s silent again for a while, just our breathing letting each other know we are still there.
“Couldn’t sleep?” I ask, honestly happy for the company; watch can get boring. Back when I was a Berserker, I was always on watch alone. Only because being a slave turned slave fighter made me an outcast. Half the men feared me, and the other half hated me right up until I won my freedom. Loneliness is my ever-present friend, but at this moment, I don’t feel it. That scares me, but I’m not about to run away. I’ll get my fill and
then when I go back to my solitude, I will use this to help. I eye him again, wondering why he’s awake. I'm used to running on empty with sleep often evading me, too many bad dreams. It doesn’t help when every little noise wakes me, fearing an attack.
“No.”
When he doesn’t say anything more, I let the silence stretch. I see him look at his brother, his face filling with tenderness. “We always had this rule; one awake, one asleep. It’s how we survived, I guess I’m just used to it.”
I nod in understanding, but my curiosity is piqued. I don’t bother asking any questions; if he wanted to share, he would. I know better than anyone that pushing won’t help.
“Why do you live out here?”
I can see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. Genuine curiosity laces his words, not the scorn I was expecting. I think about my answer before replying.
“It’s easy to lose yourself out here. No one cares, I can just be me. Plus, I’m too rough to live anywhere else, too much darkness. Out here, I can use that to help people.” I don’t elaborate, and he doesn’t ask, but I see the small smile on his face.
“I can understand that. Drax fit right in the cities, but me? I had too many demons, ones I tried to protect him from.” He says softly. He goes to say something else but we both freeze at the sound of a whimper.
I turn into the house to see Drax tossing and turning, crying out in his sleep. Looking to Jax, I see the pain and guilt on his face. When he sees me looking, he doesn’t bother locking it down like I thought he would.
“I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t protect him from everything.” The pain etched on his face has me reaching out to him before I notice. I cup his cheek and turn his face to mine. Watching his brother’s struggle with nightmares has stripped him bare. I see the damaged man in front of me and my heart softens, making me bold; making me forget my rules to keep my distance.
“You can’t protect him from everything, Jax. I’m betting he doesn’t blame you and the fact that you still sit here, protecting him, says a lot more about you.” Cursing my need to wipe that look of his face, I lean forward and put my forehead to his. He watches me like you would a lion, the vulnerability and fear clear to see. When you are so used to people fucking you over and hurting you, showing any weakness is hard. For him to let me see that? I swallow hard.
“I’m betting we all have nightmares. The question is: do you let them control you, to own you? Or do you let them build you up, stronger than before? Drax lets it build him, he might struggle, and yes, I’ve seen the flashes in his eyes, but he’s ok. You need to let this guilt go before it eats you up. Trust me, I know.” He closes his eyes as a tear escapes.
“How-” he croaks. “How do you forgive yourself for not protecting someone you love?”
I laugh bitterly. “When you know, you tell me. For now, all I can offer you is your safety. Tonight, here in this house, I’m not the monster everyone knows me as, and you’re not Jax the protector. We are just a man and a woman.” His eyes open slowly. I inhale and move away, trying to bring my aloofness back and create some distance. Drax whimpers again and my head and heart start to pull me in two directions. My head is telling me all the reasons why I shouldn't let them in, to get too familiar, but my heart doesn't care. That last soft part of me aches at the pain in that sound and begs me to help. I stand up before I can question my actions. As I am moving over to his brother, Jax grabs my hand. I look down at him as a smile so brilliant it changes his whole face appears.
“Thank you.”
I nod and shuffle away in embarrassment. When I reach Drax’s side, I crouch and move the hair out of his face. He looks so young in his sleep, his ever-present smirk and attitude absent, to reveal the man trying to outrun his nightmares. I can feel Jax watching, but Drax and all the others being asleep helps, and when he whimpers again, I tell myself he will never know that I helped. I gently kiss his forehead and murmur to him, stroking his cheek. My words don’t make much sense, just reassurances and funny stories. Eventually, his eyes lose their tightness and his face slackens. When I drop my hand from his face and go to stand, he reaches out in his sleep with a cry. I swallow hard and look at his brother. He watches us with a gentleness to his face I’ve never seen.
“I’ll keep watch if you protect him from his dreams.” He turns and looks out the door.
The trust knocks me sideways, to leave me with his unprotected brother? I watch his back as I move over Drax. Hesitating, I look down at the sleeping man. Why do I care if he's upset? What makes them so different? My internal war carries on as I lay behind him and wrap my arm around his waist, so I can still see his brother and the doorway. He murmurs and shifts onto his back before smiling and falling into a deep sleep. My neck starts to ache, and I find myself laying my head on his chest. His arms wrap around me, cocooning me in their warmth. My chest loosens at the feeling of safety; a feeling so foreign to me it takes me a while to realise what it is. I close my eyes and breathe through the feeling, wanting to remember it. When I open them again, Jax is watching us, a look of longing on his face. When I blink, it disappears and he nods before turning back to the door again. Convincing myself I will move before anyone else knows, and I will put my shields back up again, I get comfy.
We spend the rest of my watch like that. Me wrapped around his brother and him watching the outside, defending his friends from the wasteland. It’s one of the best nights I’ve had in a while, and in Drax’s arms, my heart races as feelings I thought had been tortured out of me long ago emerge.
CHAPTER EIGHT
My Weakness
I wake up before anyone else to see Jax still on watch, and the sun starting to rise. The rays hit his face, making him look like a fallen angel. My heart clenches and I quickly look away. Scolding myself for falling asleep, I lift my head. I frown when I notice my leg is thrown over Drax, and even in his sleep, he’s a cocky bastard with his hand cupping my arse. I shake my head with a small smile and shuffle away slowly so as not to wake him. He curls into the spot where I just was as I step over him and make my way to his brother.
“Why didn’t you wake anyone to trade watch?” My voice is just above a whisper. He shrugs not looking at me.
“I wasn’t tired. If you’re awake though, I’m going to hit the head.”
I nod as he stands and stretches, his top lifting to show me his lean muscle. I drink in his clean lines and the V that points downwards. His finger tilts my chin up and he winks at me. Well, looks like Jax has learnt something from his brother. It’s like someone else is in my body; all those hard-earned walls seem to have disappeared, leaving me frantically trying to deal with all these emotions bombarding me.
“Sitting watch all night was worth it to see you look at me like that.” He wanders outside before I can reply. Cheeky bastard. I find myself smiling though, liking this playful side of him. Arms wrap around me from behind and a head lands in my hair. I jump but manage to hold in my shout. Motherfucker, I’m going to kick his ass for that. Why are they so touchy-feely? Part of me likes it, I mean somewhere deep down. My head starts to ache at trying to sort through all the emotions and questions.
“I don’t know what you did, baby, but I’ve not heard my brother talk so much in years.”
Baby? Fucking hell, I'm going to stab him. I try to convince my traitorous heart that it’s not a good thing. I watch the sun rise as I debate his words, steering clear of the warmth his arms around me are creating. I'm frozen, and ramrod straight. It must be like hugging a brick wall.
“I know he doesn’t talk much, but I figured that was because of me.” Drax’s arms tighten and he kisses the top of my head. My heart races and I tell myself I'll kick his ass later.
“Nope. We had a shitty childhood. When you are punished enough for talking, you soon stop. I went the other way, but he retreated into himself. He barely even talks to us and we are his brothers.” I feel him take a deep breath, his chest moving against my back. “I saw the way he watched you, I was w
orried that you would think he’s stupid.” I turn in shock and his arms loosen enough to let me. He tilts his head down and watches me with a seriousness more like his brother.
“Jax isn’t stupid. Hell, he’s probably smarter than me and you put together.”
He smiles at me, one not full of mocking or teasing. Just a happy smile. The twins are doing some serious damage to my breathing this morning. I don't remember a time I was ever affected like this by someone. My body is so highly-strung right now, unsure how to cope with everything that's going on. Especially being touched, being held. It’s been so long. I feel like that scared little girl again, everything raw and stripped bare.
“I know that, the others know that. But outside of our group people tend to think he’s an idiot because he doesn’t speak. I was worried you would be the same. That would hurt him more than you realise. I don’t know how you’ve done it, baby, but you’ve gotten under his armour.”