by K. A Knight
“Wha- I didn’t, I mean-”
Drax laughs quietly at my blathering. Seriously, what has happened to me? Has a heart to heart and a night in a man’s arms really turned me into this wreck? I fucking hate it.
“You have. I’ve never seen him smile so much or open up to someone. He even hides from me. He thinks he’s protecting me. He always did, you see; protect me. He tried to take every beating, every punishment, even when it was my fault. He blames himself for any that I had to suffer like it was his duty to take all the pain. So, for him to show any type of happiness?” He shakes his head. “It’s a fucking miracle. I don’t know your past, I don’t know if you will turn around and leave us, but somehow you’ve managed to wrap us around your little finger without even meaning to.” He takes a deep breath, his confidence retracting a bit as he looks shy. “Thank you for not leaving me last night.” Stepping back, he throws me a look filled with need and tenderness before turning around and moving over to his bag. A noise behind me has me spinning, my blade flashing in the sunlight. Jax stands close to my back, his eyebrow raised at my knife. Fuck, I didn’t even hear him come back. What are these guys doing to me? I honestly don't know, but I feel like I have whiplash. Grumbling, I retreat to the corner of the room. Packing my bag, I keep my eyes downcast as I try to rebuild the wall between me and them. I can feel them throwing me looks, but I don't know what will happen if I look up with all these emotions coursing through me. So, instead, I keep to myself, and for once, they let me.
◆◆◆
My bike rumbles beneath me as we ride through the empty Wastes. We spent the morning looking through the scavs belongings and packing up. I managed to regain some of my composure and push my emotions back a bit. Unlike normal, they rest just below the surface as if now that they have been called forward, they refuse to go back to hiding this time. Just after mid-day, we set out for The Ring. Maxen rides next to me, the others spread out behind us. We pass the ruins of buildings, some destroyed by the floods, some in the scorch, and some in the fires after. The scenery shoots by, but I stay on alert, letting the concentration of watching for other clans wash away the need to dissect everything that has happened since last night.
A shout has me snapping my head to the broken earth to the left. Squinting, I try to make out the blobs in the distance, blurring together. When a scream comes, I swear and slow down, pulling over to the side of the road. Parking under a dead tree, I sit and watch, telling myself to keep going. I know better than to interrupt. I know better full stop. But I can’t keep driving. Leaving someone when they clearly need help, leaving them to a fate worse than death would break that last part of me that clings to the light. The part that uses the darkness to fight for people who can’t. Swearing, I hop off and grab my swords off my bike. Putting on the sheathe, I turn to the guys, who are already off their bikes watching me.
“Stay behind me,” I warn.
Turning before I can change my mind, I jog towards the silhouettes. The screams get louder the closer we get, as do the sobs and grunts. Shit. Speeding up, the people finally come into view. A woman is on the ground, a man holding down her arms as one tries to pry her legs open. Another stands over them laughing, with a fourth man on the ground, not moving. Anger burns through me. Fucking pigs. Pulling out a sword, I sprint towards them. Maxen sprints past me, Thorn right after him, both with swords in their hands and fury on their faces. An arrow whizzes past my face, nearly touching me before it hits the man at the woman’s feet. He cries out as he falls away from her, batting the arrow out of his shoulder. Using his distraction, I leap towards him. My sword cleaves into his unprotected neck. He freezes and gurgles as I pull it back out and chop again. Blood squirts out and pumps steadily as I hack at his neck. Panting, I pull the sword back. He falls to the floor, his face frozen in a look of shock as his blood drains from him.
My blood lust chases everything else back, leaving nothing but anger and the need to hurt someone. I can imagine that my eyes are wild as my hair streams behind me in the wind, my sword raised to hurt someone. Anyone. Maxen is pulling his sword from the man at the woman’s head as Thorn swings at the other man. He dodges him and dances away. The woman is still screaming, the sound echoing around and raising horrors from my past. Breathing heavy, I let my sword drop towards the floor slightly, loose in my hand. I watch Thorn dance with the man, playing with him before finally sneaking forward and burying his sword in his chest. When he turns, he's not even out of breath. He grins at me, his mouth opening as a scream comes from the woman again. Swallowing, I turn to her. Crouching at her feet, I try to push back my blood lust. Her eyes flicker between us all, obviously wondering what we are going to do to her. Taking a breath, I blow it out before trying to make myself as unassuming as possible.
I hear footsteps behind me and watch as her face turns white before she lets out a moan and tries to scramble backwards on all fours.
“Please, please stop!” She cries, her nose red with her sobbing as it shakes her whole body. Maxen steps as far away as he can, and I hear the rest doing the same behind me.
“Please, leave me alone.” She wails. My breathing picks up as I try to fight off the memories, her words echoing the ones I used before I learned that it didn’t matter. My eyes stay locked on hers, her panic feeding mine. My grip turns brutal on my sword as I try to stay in the here and now.
“It’s ok. we won't hurt you,” But my voice is soft and unsure, all my concentration on my inner battle.
A hand lands on my shoulder and something in me snaps. I can feel myself moving, but it’s like I'm watching a movie, my body lost to instincts and memories as my mind screams at me. Spinning, my sword raises before I've even turned.
“Maxen, watch out!” Comes a shout, but my whole world narrows to the hand on my shoulder. My mind is tricking me, thinking its Ivar’s, even as my body rebels. A snarl twists my lips as I leap to my feet, swinging my sword at him. Maxen blurs until all I see is Ivar, that cruel mocking smile twisting his lips. I barely remember the next couple of minutes, until a voice calls me back.
“Worth, you’re safe. Feel the ground, smell the air. Remember our names, you’re safe. Where are you? What's your name?” The questions don't stop, even as my mind tries to slip away, back into the horrors of my past.
“Where are we going? Who are we? What's your name?” Blinking, the face above me comes into focus and I look into Maxen’s worried eyes.
“Worth, my name’s Worth,” my voice cracks, quiet and painful, but it's there.
“What's my name?” He demands, pushing the memories back even further, the awareness slowly returning to my body.
“Maxen,” I whisper.
“Where are we?” He asks, his voice less panicked now.
“Wastes, going to The Ring.” My voice gets stronger until it's near my usual one. Blinking, I look down. I’m laying on the sandy earth, his legs trapping mine as his hands pin mine above my head. I look back at his face as I realise what happened.
“Sorry, shit, I’m so fucking sorry.” I whisper, banging my head back down. Why did I think I could do this, be around people? I'm too fucked up for that. Even my mind is broken. Shit, I attacked him! What will they think of me now…
“Hey, Worth, look at me.” He demands. My eyes raise to his out of habit. I'm too raw to try and hide anything at the moment and I know he must see the war in my eyes. He lets go of my hands and cups my face.
“You're ok, you didn’t hurt anyone. I know that wasn't you. I'm sorry I didn't think before I-” He takes a deep breath “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? Why?”
“I know what it's like to be triggered by something. I didn't know, but I should have noticed the warning signs.”
“I’m fine,” I growl.
“It’s ok not to be. Look, I can see you trying to turn away now, trying to lock back down. Just know that none of us blame you. Take what time you need, but we understand. We all have our demons, yours won't scare us away.” He
offers me a grim smile before climbing off me and standing.
He offers me his hand, and I watch it warily, his words running through my head. I don't see any revulsion or pity in his face. Like he said, all that I can see in his eyes is understanding and... hope? My hand lands in his before I can change my mind, trusting my poor damaged heart as it cries out not to shut them out. He's trying to help. He hauls me to my feet and squeezes before turning to the others.
I steel myself for their looks, but Drax offers me his usual smile and Jax winks before turning away. Thorn grins even as he helps the man on the floor sit up. Maxen looks down at me with a soft smile.
“Seems you’re one of us now.” He offers, before letting go and starting to walk away.
“One of you?” I ask. He turns as he walks backwards, his ponytail flipping over his shoulder.
“One of the lost boys.”
We stay while the man regains consciousness, me hovering at the edges, allowing myself the time I need to put myself back together again. As soon as the man fully woke he leapt at Thorn, who battered him away softly like you would a fly. Once he calmed down, he realised we didn't want to hurt him, but he obviously wasn't taking any chances. He grabbed the woman's hand and ran away before we could offer them a lift.
“You’re welcome!” Drax yells cheerfully after them. Turning, he smiles at me. “Come on then, back on the road we go!” He claps his hands as Maxen rolls his eyes. Nodding, I turn with them following.
“Back to the five of us, the five amigos,” He carries on as I roll my eyes and tune him out. I turn when I hear a smack to see Drax rubbing his head and shooting Thorn a glare as he smiles innocently at me. Drax sticks his tongue out before skipping up next to me. He doesn't even hesitate to throw his arm over my shoulder and steer me back to the bikes. I hear Maxen start to warn him, but when I don't react, he shuts up.
“You’re like a ninja. You guys see the way she leapt through the air with that sword of hers? Marry me?” He asks, offering me puppy dog eyes, wringing a small smile out of me. He clutches his chest and staggers backwards before turning to the guys.
“She smiled at me! I got her to smile!” He brags. Groaning, I speed up, the bikes parked where we left them.
He jokes around with the others as we mount up and only shuts up when the roar of the bikes overpower him. Turning back to the road, we carry on with our journey but there's something different, some shared understanding pulling us together. They throw me smiles as we ride, and I find myself returning them. My attack only seems to have brought us closer, like seeing my demons has broken down a barrier between us. I just wish I knew what.
Focusing back on the road, I try to pinpoint our location. The mountains can be seen in the very distance on our right, letting me know we are on the right track. They always give me the creeps, purely because I know what hides in their depths. We’re about halfway through the Reeves territory by now and I’m hoping we don’t run into a patrol. It’s not a life or death situation, I just can’t be bothered with the gaining passage talk. They would demand a payment which would piss me off. Luckily, me and the south patrol have an understanding. They let me pass and I don’t kill them. It will be the North patrol on the way out that’s the problem. It’s an ever-changing position. Lots of scavs die on that patrol due to the proximity to The Ring.
Debating my options the whole ride, I stop just south of the normal North patrol route. The others stop next to me, but I don’t say a word. I bite my lip and look all around us. I can’t see or hear anything, but they could be on us faster than we can get away. So, I start my bike back up and the guys follow suit. I drive along the border, searching for the path I know is there. It’s technically some old rail tracks. It’s on the edge of their border and for some reason is never really patrolled. I think it’s because it’s feral hunting grounds. Lucky us, it gives us the break we need to slip past.
We drive for another couple of hours before I see The Ring. I stop in the middle of the no-man’s land between Reeves territory and The Ring’s neutrality. I slip off the bike and stretch my legs. Turning to the others, I watch as they do the same. I almost drool at the muscles being flexed before I mentally slap myself; this is not the place to have daydreams.
“Ok, we are almost there.” They nod. “Rules. Don’t talk to anyone, and I mean it. You don’t know who is who and I really don’t want to have to deal with a pissed off worshipper or berserker.” They look confused, but I wave it away “Don’t go anywhere alone. Don’t kill anyone,” I nod to myself, thinking through anything else that could go wrong. Which is everything.
“Ok,” Thorn says smiling at me. What’s he so happy about? Ugh, men.
“Sure thing Captain.” Drax chimes in. Jax and Maxen just nod. This should be fun. I groan, but swing back on my bike and start it up; heading towards The Ring’s entrance.
The tops of the buildings appear on the horizon, and within a few minutes, the fence slowly appears. When we get closer, I slow down and roll up to the side. Bikes and vehicles are parked to the left like an impromptu car park. I park away from everyone else and the guys follow suit. Glancing at the sky, I notice the sun is starting to go down. Hopefully, that means my target will be nearly here. I grab my jacket and pull it on as I wait for them to get their stuff together and then we silently head off towards the gate.
“It’s a zoo?”
I don’t know who says it but the disbelief in their voice is cute.
“Yep. Most of the animals either died or fled. Couple years ago, it got turned into The Ring.” Not saying anything else, I head over to the guards. They look bored, there’s one on each side of the gate and at least four on the gate post above. One holds his hand up and I stop obediently, so do the guys behind me. They spread out, protecting my back. The guard hikes his dirty pants up and then spits on the floor. His torso is naked, apart from the two nipple piercings which are tied together with a chain hanging down his stomach. His Mohawk is edged in blue, but he still looks young. Or maybe I’m getting old.
“Clan?” His voice is full of attitude. I arch my eyebrow, but step forward, my hands out to the side.
“None.”
He hesitates as he runs his eyes over me, a little too intently too be anything but checking me out.
“No clan, no entry,” he snarls. I drop my hands closer to my legs and the weapons that rest there.
“Ask your boss, boy, before you make a fool of yourself,” I say politely. He snorts and steps closer, showing me the knife strapped to his stomach.
“No clan, no entry.” He licks his lips. “You thick? Maybe you’re just desperate for a master ey.” He cackles. I just stare at him and wait for him to finish.
“Ask him,” I say again, my voice strong and sure, not showing the annoyance building in me. His smile disappears, and he walks straight up to me, towering over me.
“Boss doesn’t give a shit about a twat.” His voice is lower.
He probably thinks it makes him sound deadly. I slowly shrug out of my jacket. He grabs his knife and my lips twitch. I make sure he gets a good look at all my weapons before I turn slightly and lift my hair, showing my tattoo. The other guard steps forward at this, before grunting when he sees it. He quickly turns away and shouts something to the others on the gate post above. The kid in front of me still isn’t getting it.
“Get your boss, kid, before you get hurt,” I warn, the purr of violence clear in my voice.
I don’t have time for this shit. He leans forward and spits on my boots. Did he just...? Everything in me goes still; the quiet that engulfs me when I kill. I manage to push it down and fake a sigh, looking at the other guard with a bored expression. Fake it till you make it. I learnt that early on and it’s worked well for me, with the exception of the guys spread out behind me. I could be terrified, and you wouldn’t know. Instead, I’m hiding much worse. My reputation won't allow me to accept such an insult, I let this one slide and it will soon spread from the guards to the fighters, like wildf
ire, until they see it as weakness.
“He has exactly thirty seconds to get away from me.” I make sure my voice is loud enough to carry to the other guards. I hear running feet, but I don’t look away from the kid. He snarls at me and goes to grab me, but I’m no longer in that spot. Instead, I’m behind him. I tap his shoulder and he spins. I step back. He steps closer to me, his face growing red as his chest heaves.
“What the fuck is going on?” The shout stops everyone and brings memories I would rather forget rushing to the surface.
Sands below, it's like a trip down memory lane today. I turn, giving the guard my back, showing him how unafraid of him I am. I walk slowly up to Major, eyeing the man who was there through all my days here. Once, we were close, I even used to trust him. I thought he would save me, the childish hope in me clinging to him. Now, doubts and logic that comes with age clouds our strained relationship. It saddens me, but also sets my anger alight. There is so much left unsaid between us. As soon as I won my freedom, I turned my back and slipped away in the night. I didn’t even say goodbye.