I think back to my visit with Abbey, and hope beyond all hope that she could hear me, and maybe, just maybe what I said really did make a difference. I hold my hand to my chest, turn to Ash, and pull him to me. He stands there limp. His arms remain by his side as I squeeze him tightly.
“This is such good news, Ash. I’m so happy”
“What’s that?” a familiar voice bellows from behind me. I swiftly swing my head to the side and see a smiling Pete standing beside me.
“Well?” he asks again. His head is cocked to the side, and the sexiest, jaw dropping smirk I’ve ever seen graces his lips. I’m pretty sure my cheeks are as red as blood as I feel them heat up instantaneously.
“Yeah, well… err, so…” I fidget nervously; doing everything I can to avoid his eye contact. And that smile. “Abbey has stabilized and they’re hoping she can be transferred to the hospital here.”
“That’s fucking awesome,” he sings enthusiastically, closing in on me and resting his hand on the bottom of my back.
I shiver, the mere feel of his hand sending me into a frenzy. My breathing speeds up and I know I need to speak to him. I told myself I would stop this. I quickly move away from him, breaking the contact. I glare at him as I look into his eyes.
“We need to talk,” I grate out.
“We do, do we?” He raises his eyebrows, holding his arm out as an indication of the direction we should go. I walk down the hall, taking small tentative steps. Shit, I’m nervous, really, really nervous. I feel my face flush. I don’t know if its nerves or the anticipation of being so close to him. I look back over my shoulder and Ash waves at me from a short distance. I screw up my face and hope to god I can do this.
I’m snapped suddenly from my thoughts, as Pete grabs my arms and I jerk to a stop. He pulls me, guiding me down the hall to a quieter spot where there’s no one around. He leans against the wall, arms and legs folded. I don’t know why but I’m irritated by him and his body language, like he thinks this is some stupid game.
“So, what’s this about?” he asks, a smug look on his face. “Finally come to your senses and realize you do want me?”
I laugh loudly. “You’re kidding, right?”
He leans right into me, so close that I can feel his breath against my skin. “Where you’re concerned, Kennedy, I don’t joke.”
I step back, looking him dead in the eye. I have to do this. I have to put a stop to this once and for all.
“Pete,” I hiss harshly, “this thing,” I point between the two of us, “this has to stop.”
His face contorts and he shoots me a look of disbelief. He leans back against the door, his hands in his pockets and a docile grin across his face. “So you gonna spit it out and tell me what this secret little rendezvous is really about?” He smirks, his full attention on me.
I feel hot under his impressive gaze. I quickly look away, not wanting to give into the fire inside. I desperately want to reach out and touch him, but I also know it’s wrong to feel like that. I find him intoxicating combined with the way he looks at me, despite the fact that I’m fat, pregnant, and nothing but messed up.
“Kennedy, talk to me,” he pleads, his voice calm and even as he reaches out to touch my folded arms. I step back, trying to avoid his touch. My head remains downward, scared to look at him.
“I can’t do this, Pete. I’m sorry.”
“Do what?” he laughs.
I look up, shooting him an angry glare. “This isn’t funny, Pete.”
“I never said it was.” He shrugs. “But I don’t understand what the fuck this is all about.”
I contort my face in anger, narrowing my eyes at him. My mouth quivers as I try to speak. I could tell Pete was serious and this wasn’t a look that suited him well. I inhale sharply, trying to steady my anger.
“Come on, Pete, you know what this is about.” I sigh heavily. “Stop playing games.”
“Me? Playing games? I’m not the one giving out the mixed signals here. You are!”
“That is so not fair, Pete! There’s nothing going on here,” I point between us, “and you really need to back off.”
“Is that why you kissed me then?” he smirks, reaching out his hand. He grabs my arm and pulls me to him. I push back on his chest with both of my hands, the heat from my anger buzzing through my every fiber.
“It wasn’t like that and you know it.”
“Admit it, Ken, you enjoyed it and you want more.” His Cheshire grin spreads, baring his pearly white teeth. I’d love for nothing more than to be able to walk away, but I have to end this.
I shake my head furiously. Shit. He kissed me. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this!
“Your wrong,” I grate out. “I don’t want this. I don’t want you.”
But it’s like he’s not listening. He hooks his hands around the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. I swallow down hard, trying to steady myself from the feel of his touch. He pulls my head until it rests perfectly against his solid chest.
“I’m not buying your shit, Kennedy,” he whispers. “I know you want this as much as I do, but I also know that you don’t want to hurt Cole.”
“No,” I quietly screech. “I want Cole,” I say with determination and finality. “You’ve been a good friend to me. Please don’t ruin that between us. Think about Cole; he’s one of your best friends. I don’t want to ruin that between the two of you either.”
The guilt and pain weighs heavily on my heart. I don’t want to hurt or lose Cole. He means the world to me. He’s all I have, and all I’ll ever want. I just have to admit that my head was fucked up and I made a mistake.
There’s no denying that I have an attraction to Pete, but my head and heart belong with Cole. There is a long pause between us. I feel him searching my eyes for the truth. It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to believe there is nothing in this for me.
“You’re right.” He holds his hands up in a mock surrender. “This was unfair of me. I promise to back off, honestly, but I can’t say it will be fucking easy.”
My heart takes a nosedive as I look at Pete. Instead of the super sexy grin and those dimples that he normally wears, he stands there, his shoulders slumped and his eyes sad and downcast. The blank emotionless expression sweeps over his face and pulls at my heart.
The last thing I want to do is hurt Pete. I’ve never seen him like this before, but I don’t understand where his feelings came from or this sadness. I feel like I have been drawn into him, my confusion and emotions taking over, causing me to make bad decisions in the heat of the moment.
“I never meant to hurt you,” I say honestly. “I’m with Cole. I love Cole.” I have to make sure that I’m clear. No more confusion. No more mixed signals. I reach forward to hold his hand. “I’m sorry, Pete. Really I am. Maybe in another lifetime, yeah?” I joke.
His eyes light up, as a sad smile curls at the corner of his lips.
The sudden sound of someone clearing their throat catches my attention. My head whips to the side to figure out who it is. My initial thought is the janitor. But I’m wrong.
“Well, well, well. Isn’t this fucking nice?” his gruff voice bellows.
I look over to him. My heart plummeting at the mere sight of him, beating as though it’s going to break out of my chest. I look back at Pete; shock is written all over his face.
“Why the fuck are you sneaking up on us like that, Dennis?” I growl. I’m so scared and angry at what he may have heard. My hands shake violently despite the fact that I’m trying to remain as calm as possible. It’s not working.
My mind is on overdrive.
“So you are the little hoe everyone thinks you are. I wonder how Cole will take the news when I break it to him!”
“Hey, man, back off,” Pete growls, stepping in front of me.
“I thought you had better taste than that, Pete.” His head nodding in my direction. “Bitch has only been here a few months and it looks like she’s been working her way through the
whole fucking football team.”
Pete shoves his shoulder, pushing him hard, causing him to stagger backward. “I’m warning you, Dennis, back the fuck up.”
“What?” he taunts, his hands in the air. “I’m only speaking the truth and there’s no denying that she’s a knocked up fucking freak.”
Pete lunges forward again, but I grab a hold of his arm, drawing his attention back to me.
“Don’t,” I whisper. “He’s not worth it.”
“You really are messed up, Dennis. I mean seriously, man, what the fuck is your problem?” Pete’s teeth are clenched in anger.
“She is!” he glares, the evil look in his eye causes me to shudder. His whole face is screwed up and he’s looking at me like he actually wants to kill me.
I step from behind Pete, standing just to the side of him. I adjust my posture, straightening myself. I have to tackle this. I’ve faced worse, much fucking worse.
“You don’t even know me, Dennis!” I yell, my voice brittle as the emotion is evident in my tone. “I really don’t know what your fucking problem is.”
“My problem? Shall I tell you what my problem is, Kennedy?”
“Please, enlighten us!” I snarl.
He steps forward, just one step, slowly, before leaning his face into mine.
“You’re a worthless fucking religious freak. I don’t like your kind.” I study his face for a second, the hatred evident in his words and his expressions.
“But… I didn’t ask for this, Dennis.”
No sooner have I spoken, and Pete lunges forward, hitting Dennis square on the chin. It happens so fast, I don’t get chance to respond to try and stop him.
Dammit! I don’t want him getting into trouble for me. I quickly reach forward, trying to drag Pete backward, but he’s yelling at Dennis.
“You’re more fucked up than I ever fucking imagined, Dennis. I mean seriously! What the fuck is going on in that pea brain head of yours?”
Dennis looks up at us, in his half crouched, post punch position.
“You have no idea what hell it was like there, Dennis…” My words trail off, not wanting to let him know too much about me, or the commune. No doubt he’d try to use it against me.
He slowly stands upright, wiping his lip with the back of his hand. A small trickle of blood transfers onto his fingers. His gaze falls between his hand, me, and Pete.
A smug look appears across his face as he glares at me. “Well that’s where you’re wrong, sweetheart.”
I narrow my eyes at him, tired of this bullshit. “What am I wrong about?”
“Yeah, quit with the fucking riddles now. We’re fucking tired of your shitty ass games. If you got something to say, just fucking spit it out,” Pete huffs.
Dennis lets out an expulsion of menacing laughter, causing me to take a step back. I swallow down hard, the anxiety intensifying with every second that passes.
“You stupid girl, you really have no idea, do you?” He continues to laugh loudly. Leaning in even further, his face just inches from mine, he whispers, “I was there too.” His evil face lifts to a split ass grin.
I shake my head, contemplating what he just said. I zone out, faintly hearing Pete’s voice, but not making out a word he’s saying. Dennis’ words whizz through my head, ‘he was there’. How could that even be true?
“That’s right. You heard me. In fact, I was born there, in the exact same commune. It took a while to remember who you were at first, then one day, it just clicked. I realized it was you, and from that moment on, I knew what a fucked up bitch you really are.”
“She’s nothing like them,” Pete roars.
I’m frozen in place. I start to shake involuntarily, my body taking over as the shock hits me like a ton of bricks. I try to speak, my mouth wide open, but nothing comes out. I stare aimlessly at him, not knowing how to react to this news.
“Hhhow?” I stutter, finally my voice breaking through.
“My mom moved us out of there when she realized what a fucked up bunch you really are.”
“No, you’re lying!” I yell.
He doesn’t listen, he just continues to ramble, “Yeah, you were always the favorite. No wonder everyone there hated you. Thinking back, even I hated you!”
“Oh yeah, because it was just fantastic for me, Dennis,” I screech, my emotions and pain taking over.
I want him to know what it was like for me; what each day of being raped and tortured was really like. They didn’t see half of what happened to me, but they all knew.
“You were closer to him than I was. He idolized you, Kennedy. He loved you more than he loved me.”
“No, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” I stutter through my tears. “I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anybody, Dennis. Not even you!” The tears stream over my face, no matter how strong I try to be, talking about my past is not easy, it rips me apart.
“He never even gave me a second look. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
I shake my head, dazed and confused.
“That’s right, Ken. My own father never fucking bothered with me.”
I gasp at his words, my brain trying to comprehend what he said, but the only thing my brain seems to register is shock. “No, no this can’t be true. It’s got to be just more of your fucking bullshit, Dennis.”
I barge past him, racing down the corridor, my flight reflex in overdrive. I have to get out of here. I run down the hall, everything becoming a blur. I desperately need air. I clasp at my throat as my breathing becomes shallow and I feel the stink hit the back of my throat. I scramble toward the door, desperate to get outside. My legs move as fast as possible and before I know it, I’m blasted with fresh air, holding my weight up against the exterior wall. The sun beats down against my already sweat covered body, the heat intensifying as I try to steady myself from falling. I slide down until I’m resting on the ground, my head against the bricks. I breathe deeper and deeper, but it doesn’t get any easier.
I hear Pete’s footsteps and his booming voice as he calls my name. I want to yell back and tell him I’m here, but I can’t catch my breath. I sit there, my chest heaving and my heart pounding through my chest.
I catch his eyes as he turns toward me, realizing where I am. He sprints over, kneeling beside.
“Kennedy, are you okay?” he asks, concern dancing in his eyes. All I can do is shake my head. Tears stream down my face, the final explosion of emotion boiling over. He pulls my head to his chest as he begins stroking the top of my head.
“Don’t listen to anything that bastard has to say. He’s just trying to cause trouble.”
But I know there has to be some truth to what Dennis said. Too much of it sounded familiar. My gut instinct tells me he’s not lying this time. I continue to breathe heavily against Pete. He pulls back, looking at me with concern.
He takes the backpack off his shoulder before digging inside and retrieving a bottle of water. “Here, take this,” he offers, pulling the flip lid off and placing it against my lips.
I take the bottle from him, my hand shaking as I try to steady it against my mouth. He holds it there, his hand over mine and I feel the familiar heart–warming feeling return. I sip as the water droplets hit my tongue, desperate to cool myself like a sprinkler on a hot day.
“Better?” he asks, crouched beside me.
I nod slowly, my eyes meeting his as our gaze locks. I find myself unable to break the connection. He slowly places the bottle back in his backpack, before jumping to his feet. I look up at him wondering whether this is the point he finally walks away from me.
I stare at him as he slowly offers me his hand. “Walk with me?” he asks, a brooding look on his face.
At first I want to say no, I want to put distance between us. Not because I don’t want his help or advice, but because I’m scared. I’m scared I don’t understand my own feelings, and I certainly don’t understand what me and Pete have going on here. It’s like the ultimate mind fuck.
I take his hand as he holds it steady and pulls me from the ground without effort. Once I’m stable on my feet, he holds out his elbow, suggesting we link arms. I smile at the gesture, linking my arm through his. We walk slowly in silence until we reach the benches at the side of the main school building. He holds out is hand, gesturing for me to sit, so I do.
He slowly slides in beside me, his arm resting on the back of the bench as he pulls one leg up, crossing it over the other. I feel the heat of his glare. His eyes never leave my face, but I’m too awkward to look at him. Instead, I stare into space. He slowly taps his finger on my shoulder, desperately trying to get my attention.
I turn to him, trying to smile, but I know it’s barely there. The light in his eyes lose their sparkle as he sees my solemn expression.
“Talk to me, Kennedy.” He smiles. “Please…”
I thrust my hands between my crossed legs, uncomfortable and struggling to think of what to say.
“I’m scared, Pete.” It’s plain and simple. But the truth. “I’m scared that every day will be like today. That every day will be as fucked up as the last, like I’m never going to escape the past, despite fighting for my freedom. I’m never really going to be free, am I?”
He screws up his face, like he’s angry, like something I said has really pissed him off. “Don’t say that,” his voice faint and his eyes are downcast. “You can’t give up now, you have to keep fighting.”
“I’m tired of fighting. I’m physically and mentally drained, Pete. I don’t have any fight left in me.”
“You do. Of course you do. You’re the strongest person I know. Just to be sitting here in front of me, after everything you’ve been though. Kennedy, that’s a real fucking sign of strength.” He sighs, his eyes moving over my face. “You just need to take one day at a time. Things have been fucked up all your life. It’s gonna be a slow road to normal, ya know?”
I nod, knowing everything he says is right. How can I possibly expect to have a life that’s anything like normal? Especially after all the messed up things I’ve been through and seen.
Keeping Hope (Broken Girl Series) Page 14