But this…this was different.
I never imagined my life beyond Cole. Without Cole. That thought terrifies me beyond measure.
“How could I let this happen? How could I do this to him!” I wail, crying against Ash’s shoulder.
“Shhh,” he soothes, stroking his hand over my hair. “You just need to talk to him, tell him what really happened.”
“He’s going to think I’m just pinning the blame on Pete. I don’t want that either.”
“Listen, Barbie, Pete made that decision the minute he started expressing his feelings to you.”
“I’m going to lose him,” I sniffle. “I can’t live my life without him, Ash.”
“You have to face this, face him.”
I nod, separating from his hold and wiping my face with my hand. Ash pushes away from the wall, hooking his arm through mine, leading me outside. “What if he left without me?”
“Surely not. I don’t think he’d leave you here to find your own way home. I’m pretty sure he’ll be more interested in hearing all about what really happened between you two.”
I shoot him a sideways glare. “Not helping, Ash,” I snap.
We continue to walk out to the parking lot. Cole’s truck is parked in the second row, nearest the exit.
I see Ash scanning the parking lot. “I hope Pete hasn’t left without me. He was my ride home tonight,” he sighs as he continues to look around.
I walk over to the passenger side of the truck, the window rolling down as I reach for the handle. I open the door tentatively. Ash appears right behind me. Cole never turns to acknowledge me, his eyes gazing forward the whole time. Ash gently closes the door behind me. He smiles sadly as he lovingly touches my arm.
“Bye then, my little Barbie,” he says sweetly. “Cole, please don’t lose your temper with her. I know you’re pissed, but I swear to god, you’ll have me to answer to if you so much as lay a finger on her.”
My eyes flit to Cole’s face. His head turns slowly; his cold stare now focused at Ash.
“Don’t judge me, Ash. You know I’m not that person. I could never hurt Kennedy, even if she did fuck one of my best friends.” His head returns to its previous position. I feel the heat rush through me at the annoyance of his stupid comment.
“Just for the record, I’ve not fucked any of your friends.” I turn my attention back to Ash, blowing him a kiss as he backs away from the window.
We sit in the most awkward silence the whole ride home. I nervously tap my hands together, a thousand thoughts of how this is going to play out running through my mind. We pull up outside the apartment and he jumps out of the truck, stomping over to the front door. He unlocks it and races into the house, leaving me still in the car.
I open my door, stepping down from the truck, and close the door behind me. I head into the apartment, my nerves spiking as I enter the main room. I stand in the doorway as I watch Cole pacing the length of the space. His face is white as he rakes his hands through his hair.
“Please,” I call out. “Please let me explain.”
“Oh, baby, believe me, I’m all ears. I mean, I’m just dying to hear all about how you’ve been fucking around with Pete ever since we found you.”
“Firstly, no one has been ‘fucking’ anybody!” I yell. “It wasn’t like that!”
“Well, what was it like then? Come on, please enlighten me!” He stands there, throwing his arms in the air, glaring at me. I keep some distance between us, petrified to get too close.
“He was just there I guess. He told me he has feelings for me.”
“Annd…?”
“And nothing! I tried telling him I didn’t feel the same. And then, you know, I think maybe he got the wrong signals. He tried to kiss me once.” Or twice, I thought. “That’s all it was, Cole. We just kissed.”
He laughs loudly. “So you’re telling me this is all him? You felt nothing at all?”
“I felt confused,” I answer honestly. “He’s super nice. He made me laugh when I was feeling shitty. Maybe the lines of our friendship blurred a little, but never once did I make a move or instigate anything, Cole. I love you. I would never do that.”
“But you kissed him back?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so…” Why does he have to ask me this? I don’t want to make this situation any worse.
“You don’t think so? Well that’s bullshit, Kennedy. Either you did, or you didn’t. There’s no fucking in between.”
“I’m sorry, Cole. I can’t remember. The whole thing really confused me. I never want to be with anybody other than you.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?” he interrupts. “You know, if he was coming on to you and all?”
“I don’t know. He was there when I needed a friend. I didn’t know what was happening between us.”
“Us? Oh, so you two are us now?”
“You’re twisting my words, Cole. In fact, I don’t think you’re interested in what I have to say at all. You seem more concerned with shouting and taking this out on me.”
“Oh no, you’re wrong there, baby. Pete most definitely got his fair share of the blame.”
I scrunch up my face, my thoughts flashing back to seeing them fighting in the school corridor.
“I never wanted to ruin things between you two.”
“Well I think it’s safe to say he isn’t a friend of mine anymore.”
My line of sight follows him as he drops back into the chair, his hands covering his face as he exhales loudly.
“Everything I’ve done for you. Everything we’ve been through to get to this point and you somehow manage to fall for someone else. What was it? Does he make you feel things I don’t?”
I walk over, dropping to the floor in front of him. I reach out, trying to take hold of his hand, but he snaps it away, resting it on the back of the chair.
“Please believe me when I say it’s you, and will only ever be you.”
“I don’t believe you.” He shakes his head, his eyes glancing down at me fleetingly before he stands to his feet. I drop out of the way, feeling helpless.
“Please, Cole, don’t let this ruin things between us.”
“I just can’t get my head around this shit, Ken. I need space,” he snarls before dashing out of the door.
“Wait!” I shout after him, but my cries are futile.
I hear the front door slam shut and I fall into a heap on the couch. I hold myself, crying at the mess I’ve caused, knowing I’ve lost him.
I wake up with a fright, the nightmare playing over and over in my mind. I frantically look around the room and realize the nightmare is a reality. He’s gone. And I don’t know if he’ll come back. I sit up, stretching out my back. The feeling of the baby moving causes me to jump to my feet.
I take a deep breath, walk over to the kitchen cabinets, and take out some of the money left in there for food and expenses. I walk into the hall, grab my purse, and dig out my cell phone, calling a taxi. I have to find him and there is only one person I know can help me.
Jocelyn.
The taxi pulls up outside the Peterson home. I didn’t bother calling, hoping that Cole might be here, but his truck is nowhere in sight. I step out, walk around, and pay the driver before heading straight to the front door. I knock confidently, step back, and wait for an answer. I nervously tap my fingers against my purse, waiting for someone to let me in. The large door swings open and I’m greeted by Jocelyn’s smiling face. She studies me for a second before narrowing her eyes at me suspiciously.
“Kennedy, darling. Come in. Is everything okay?”
I shake my head, my tears threatening to burst through, but I force them back. I walk into the house, throwing my arms around her. She pulls me tightly into an embrace.
“Oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” She breaks our connection, her hands on the side of my face, as she places a light kiss on my cheek.
“Have you heard from Cole?” I ask as we walk into the large family room.
“Not today I haven’t. Come sit down.” She gestures with a wave of her hand, patting the seat beside her. I drop down into the chair, resting my head against the back of the couch. My hands fly up, covering my eyes.
“I’ve made such a mess of everything.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed,” she reassures, leaning into me, bumping shoulders.
I look at her with sad eyes, before telling her everything. I watch her reaction, as she listens to me talk. I can tell she’s shocked.
“Oh, Kennedy, that is a mess.”
“I’m sorry. You must be so disappointed in me.” My head drops feeling ashamed of myself. She trusted me with her son and I blew it.
“I believe you when you say nothing happened,” she reassures. “But it’s not me you need to convince.”
“I tried, Jocelyn. I really did. He walked out but I was hoping he would be here.”
“If I hear from him, I will sure as hell be sending his ass back to you.” She winks, taking my hand tightly in hers. “Just give him a little time to calm down. You know he loves you, Kennedy.”
“I really hope you’re right.”
The next day I still haven’t heard from Cole. I have barely slept, clutching onto my cell phone the whole night, waiting for him to call. I strip back the covers, stretching out my body. I’ve been lying in the damn fetal position for so long, I’m beyond stiff. I can barely move.
I quickly shower, thinking back to my conversation with Jocelyn last night. I was so worried she would hate me; think I was in the wrong for what happened. Although I could tell she didn’t approve of what had happened, she believed me when I said it was nothing more than one fleeting kiss.
This whole situation has been a massive wake up call, showing me exactly where my feelings lie. They are clearly with Cole. I just need to get him to talk to me. For him to understand that I really do love him and that this whole situation is messed up, but certainly no reflection on my feelings for him.
I check the time on my cell, hoping to see a text, a missed call, or something from Cole. But the screen is blank. There is nothing but the picture of us on the boat that day. I stare at the screen for a little while, noting just how happy we both looked, and how special he made me feel that day.
I know I will miss the chance at seeing Cole today, assuming he goes to school, but I have meetings at the police station with Mr. Peterson, Jocelyn, and the investigators of the case. Today I have to begin to give my complete account on what happened to me while in the commune. Of course, one day would never be enough to retell the last sixteen years of my life, so I guess this will be the first of many meetings.
I race downstairs, grabbing the OJ out of the fridge, and gulp down the whole glass. I can’t bear to eat anything. My stomach is in knots, so I decide to skip breakfast this morning. I grab my purse, push on a pair of flats, and head out of the door, waiting for Jocelyn and Mr. Peterson to collect me.
As I sit on the steps waiting for them to arrive, the cool morning air causes me to shudder. I rub my arms, trying to warm them from the chill.
I’m desperate to find out if anyone has heard from Cole, so I decide to quickly type out a text and sent it over to Ash. I think briefly about messaging Pete, but contacting him while Cole is gone is probably not the best idea. I feel the buzz of a text come through. I quickly swipe the screen, looking at the message.
Ash: Sorry, I haven’t. I’m going to the hospital today. They have scheduled Abbey in for surgery at the last minute. I want to be there if she wakes up. Let me know how it goes at the station.
I quickly type back a reply.
Kennedy: I’ll call on my way home from the station. I really hope she’s okay.
Within seconds, he replies.
Ash: Me too
I sit on the step, hoping beyond hope that Abbey will be okay. Within a few seconds, I hear the rumble of a car engine. I lean up a little and see Jocelyn waving at me.
I skip down the steps, head over to the car, and jump into the back seat.
She turns in her seat, smiling at me. “Ready?” she asks.
I nod, pulling the seatbelt over my shoulder and clipping it into the buckle. I sit up straight, pushing the stress of the situation between me and Cole to the back of my mind, knowing I need to be strong today.
Today is about getting justice. It’s my day to get that bastard out of my life forever.
I purse my lips, nodding my head. “Let’s do this,” I say with strength and determination. I look up at Jocelyn. Her eyes are wide and her smile even wider, so much that it highlights the crinkles at the sides of her eyes. I can tell she’s shocked by my exterior confidence after yesterday. I guess she thought I would be a wreck. I am, but I can’t be that person today.
Cole
I can’t bear to go back to the apartment, but I know that I will have to at some point. I wait until Kennedy leaves with mom before heading back there to shower, change, and collect my school stuff. I have no choice but to stay at Jake’s. It’s safe to say I won’t be stopping at Pete’s anytime soon. I can’t believe the fucker would do that to me.
Hit on my girl. The girl I’d pledged my love to. The girl I saw myself being with forever. And I can’t believe she fell for it. That she found something in him that I couldn’t give her. I know she loves me and I know that I’m fucking crazy about her, but I’m scared of looking like a fool. No, scrap that, looking like a fucking idiot for being okay with this. I’m not okay with it. I don’t think I ever will be. I race around the apartment getting everything I need before rushing out. Shit, I’m already late for school.
I park the truck in the parking lot, heading straight to my first class. I knock on the door and apologize to Miss Chambers, our history teacher, for this disruption. I look around for a spare seat.
Fuck.
The only spare desk is right in front of Dennis. I take a deep breath and saunter over, sliding into the desk. I look around another student to Jake who is sitting at the other side of the room. He nods his head toward Dennis and rolls his eyes. I shoot him a knowing look, but try and concentrate on the lesson I’m already late for. I begin to jot down the notes from the white board, turning my workbook to the correct page. I suddenly and unexpectedly find myself thrust forward, Dennis’ foot pressing against my seat. I grit my teeth and sigh heavily. This prick has a death wish or some shit. I turn my head a little, trying not to attract any attention.
“So glad I got your attention, dickless.”
“Fuck off, Dennis. I have nothing to say to you,” I whisper.
“You really are as stupid as you look, aren’t you?” he taunts. “I notice neither Kennedy nor Pete are here today…” he fades off. I turn my head around, telling myself to just ignore him.
He kicks my chair again. “I bet they’re in your apartment now, fucking each other’s brains out.” His voice is practically in my ear as he leans forward.
I clench my fist, trying to expel some of the anger that rises involuntarily. It spreads like an ignited flame through me. I stop and breathe slowly, needing to get myself under control. There’s one thing I know; it doesn’t matter how many times I take my anger out on him, how many times I retaliate, he will still come back for more. I’m powerless. Nothing I can say or do will stop his relentless torments, so I grit my teeth and do the best I can to ignore the bastard.
Class passes quickly despite Dennis’ attempts at winding me up. I hear the rumble of him as he jumps out of his seat when the bell rings. I look around at him, stick my foot out, and revel in watching him nose dive straight onto the floor. His bag and books go flying out in front of him. The whole class erupts with laughter as he stands up, brushing himself down, trying to pick up all the books scattered on the floor.
He glares at me, his eyes narrowing. “Fucking cheap stunt, dude. Fucking pussy. You won’t get away with this! I’ll make sure of that.”
“Language, Dennis,” the teacher warns as he walks past and out of
the door.
I smirk widely, holding up my hands and shaking my head. “Nothing to do with me, bro,” I lie. Dennis storms off, shaking his head. For a second the revenge feels sweet.
Jake walks over giving me a firm pat to the back, so much so, I jolt forward.
“His fucking face, man,” he whispers, his silent laughter causing his body to tremble.
“Fucking prick has been winding me up all lesson.”
“You did good, man, in not beating his ass. I’m proud of you.”
We start walking out, heading to our next class. “It took my mind of Abbey, I guess.” Jake exhales heavily.
“Dude, she’ll be good. I know it.”
“I just feel like I should be there, but I have that calculus test to take today. If I don’t I’ll fail. My parents are already kicking my ass about my grades.”
I smile and nod, knowing that Jake has always had to work hard for his grades. The time after the accident really pushed him back.
“I’m going after school to see her, but my head’s just not in school right now.”
I wrap my arm over his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. “She’ll come through this. She has to.” I smile. “I can’t have my best friend miserable as fuck any longer,” I tease.
“Hey,” he warns playfully. “Sorry, man, I know I’m a miserable fuck. I just feel like as soon as I found her, I lost her, you know?”
“I get that.” I nod in agreement. Because I really do get it. I feel like the moment I got Kennedy back, I lost a part of her to Pete. The feeling cuts like a blunt fucking knife.
“How are things in your head?” he asks, tapping the side of my forehead. “You spoke to Pete yet?”
“No way, man. I heard all he had to say. How he thinks he’s fallen for her. How he pushed those feelings onto her. Blah, blah, fucking blah,” I say mockingly, the frustration of reliving the conversation with him driving me crazy.
Keeping Hope (Broken Girl Series) Page 25